One week later

This have been the hardest week during my pregnancy. Being heartbroken it's ten times worse than being nauseous or being dizzy or having headaches. I have been so sad, a crying zombie. I just don't get it. He didn't give me a reason and he made it worse. What did I do to deserve that?

I had to call Miranda, my therapist I was meeting at the beginning of this year, because I just couldn't handle it. She told me to keep myself busy, to think about something else because it wasn't good for the baby if I was sad. But it's so hard, I lost everything I wanted. 

My family it's broken.

Jake has been very supportive, he has helped me a lot with Jack in my down moments. I didn't tell him exactly what happened that day, I only told him that we fought. I don't want him to get mad at Harry.

But to be honest, what Harry did was low. I can't even recognise him anymore. First he cheats on me, then he gets mad at me for helping a friend, even though I know he doesn't know why I was helping Jake. And then, he did the lowest thing he could, he told me the sex of bean, even when I made him promise to not tell me.

It's hard for me, because he was the person I looked up for support. The person I trusted to have a relationship with. He is the man I love. And he crushed every single bit of it. I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did but the thought of losing him forever, pains me a lot more. I don't want to lose him and I'm very stupid to think this way. 

Last night, after Jack fell asleep, I checked my phone for the first time in the whole day. He sent me the first message in the entire week since the fight, I spent most of the night thinking if I should reply. 

It was a short text, only three words: *Can we talk?*

A big part of me wanted to ignore his text. That part of me thinks that he doesn't deserve a second chance, not after what he did. 

I didn't reply right away, I had to think about it and finally, in the afternoon of the next day I decided to reply. I'm not planning on forgiving him, but I think I deserve an explanation. 

Short before I replied to him he told me he was in town and that he would like to meet with me and Jack. It took me long minutes to say yes to him. Maybe I'm weak for saying yes, but he deserves to see his son.

Right now, I'm driving to the restaurant we agreed to meet in. He landed this morning here in Los Angeles only for one night, as always. I'm with Jack in the car. Even if Harry and me are fighting, he doesn't have to suffer from it, he needs his father.

I arrive to the restaurant, the sun is starting to go down. I go to take Jack out and I walk inside. I spot him inside so I walk towards the table without stopping at front. He stands up as soon as he sees me, a smile on his face when he sees that I'm with Jack. I keep a serious face, just handing the baby to him.

"How's my little champion?" He takes him in his arms, Jack is excited to see him. He cheerfully celebrates his dad's presence by saying 'dada' non-stop. I sit down, taking the Menu in my hands. "Ow! Did you miss dada? Yes you did!"

I remain silent, not looking at him. I order my food and he does the same, when the waiter leaves he looks at me, Jack still on his lap.

"Thank you for coming here. I really needed to see you." He says and for the first time since I arrived I look at him, our eyes lock. His eyes, for my surprise, look tired, reddish. "How are you? How's... The baby?"

"We're fine." I just say, instinctively placing a hand over the small bump on my stomach.

He has his hair tied up in a bun. He's wearing his off-days clothes and still he manages to look incredibly handsome in just a simple hoodie. I look away, I need to remain focus. He's my Achilles heel and I can't let him win over me this time. 

"Sienna... I-" He clears his throat, moving his eyes down. "I have to apologize for what I did. I feel very bad." 

I remain silent, so he continues.

"I shouldn't have tell you the sex of the baby. It wasn't my decision to make." He says, he is being sincere.

I bite the inner of my lip. Being mad at him during the whole week hasn't let me enjoy the fact that I'm carrying a baby boy inside of me. Jack is going to have a brother and I just have been so sad to be happy about that little thing. I still remain silent, I'm not ready to talk because I'm going to explode. 

"And I also want to apologize about... Kissing Jen." He says, he locks eyes with me again but I look away, feeling that same sharp pain in my chest. "But Sienna, I want to explain myself."

And boom. 

"What do you need to explain?" I look at him, the hurt clear in my eyes that are already starting to water. "How you deliberately kiss her? Even when you told me to not worry?"

"No. Please calm down. She's a nice person." He says and I roll my eyes, taking the cup of water in front of me and taking a long sip. "I'm actually breaking some rules by telling you."

"Oh, did she tell you to keep your mouth shut?" I laugh, this is unbelievable.

"No. But Irving did." He says and that instantly startles me. I look at him, bringing one eyebrow up at him. He moves his eyes away, continuing. "After you left and came back to Los Angeles, you were... Followed by paparazzis. Since the moment you stepped in the airport."

I listen to him, my eyes never moving from his face.

"And then... You were seen with Jake." He says, now staring at me. "I can't lie to you and say that I wasn't mad. I was, but I still gave you your space." His eyes are sad and so is his voice. "I said to myself, maybe she forgave him and she wants something else, some stability that I can't give her."

"Harry, no." I stop him, moving my eyes to the table. 

"You don't have to give me an explanation, it's okay if that's what you want." He says and it hurts me that he is thinking that about me. 

"No, I think you do need to hear this." I take a deep breath, swallowing hard before continuing. "Jake tried to kill himself." I say and he looks at me, his eyebrows moving up in surprise. "He needed a friend and I couldn't say no. Even with the past we shared, I couldn't say no."

There's silence between us. I should have told him sooner but I wasn't ready and I needed Jake to be okay in order to do that. 

"I'm sorry, I- I didn't know." He clears his throat, drinking some water.

Jack suddenly starts babbling loudly so we have to pay him some attention. We sit him in a tall chair from the restaurant and I give him his tupper with fruits, then we keep talking.

"It was a well kept secret, but yeah. He's good now and still getting better." I complete my last sentence, our food arrives and I'm glad, I was starving.

"Are you staying with him?" He asks, I know that he's afraid of the answer.

"I am." I simply say.

"Well, I'm happy that he's better. I mean it." He says and his eyes show it, even when his face remains in a poker face. "I think I need to tell you the rest of the story."

I let him continue as I start eating, being with him is strange. I'm still very mad at him but I'm surprisingly very calm now.

"After you were seen with him, some rumours started that you were cheating on me  with him, with your 'ex'. I don't care about the rumours, you know that." He says to me, looking at me reassuring me that he is saying the truth. "But Irving does, he cares about our reputation. He needed to do something. He usually doesn't work like this and I didn't want you to get mad at him so I didn't tell you, he's a nice person."

"I'm confused." I admit, wanting him to just finish what he's trying to tell me.

"It was his idea to involve Jen. If I kissed her, publicly, and I promise you it was the first and last time I did something with Jen, then the rumours were going to change." He says, I can tell that he's tired of this too. He has never liked this side of his career, he despises it. "So now, it looks like we broke up and not that you were cheating. Now you understand?"

I take another bite of my food. For some reason I don't feel affected about what he just told me. I swallow my bite and take a sip from my drink, he waits for my response, anxiously. I'm actually thinking of the right thing to say. It's a lot to take in. 

"It does make sense, Harry. But you know what?" I grab my napkin, cleaning the borders of my mouth. "I'm tired, of all this."

"Sienna, you have to understand. The image of the band is at risk-" He starts saying but I cut him off. I was trying to remain calm but I just can't anymore.

"Our relationship is at risk, Harry!" I correct him, my voice raises a bit and after hearing the sudden silence in the room I compose myself, sighing. "You agreed on it behind my back, while I was helping a friend. It hurt me to see you kiss her. And now that I know the whole story, it hurts me because you kept it from me. For Christ's sake, you told me the sex of our baby only because you were mad."

I feel my eyes water but I move my eyes up, trying to make the tears go away. He moves his eyes down. Why does this have to be so difficult?

I love him, I still do but right now I don't trust him and it's clear he doesn't either. We both kept things from each other and lied to both of us. This is not a healthy relationship.

"Maybe it's better if we take some time apart to think if what were doing is the right thing." I finally say, after thinking for some minutes.

"Sienna-" He moves his hand over the table and holds mine.

"Harry, you know we need it. Look at us." I say, moving my free hand between us.

"We have always found a way to make things work, this time is no different." He says, his eyes look sad and desperate. I have to look away.

"This time it's different. There were lies involved. Big lies." I point out. "We can't keep going like this."

"But- It was... Sienna, I... I understand if you don't want to forgive me right away." He runs his thumb over my hand. "But we love each other. I love you, that's all that matters in a relationship."

"A relationship needs trust and compromise." I press his hand in mine. "And we both need the time to get our priorities straight."

I press his hand reassuringly, taking a deep breath to take this in. I can't believe I'm actually doing this but it's for the best. 

"Are we breaking up?" His voice is a whisper but I can sense he is hurt inside.

"Finish the tour, Harry. Take this time to really think about what you really want." I give his hand a final squeeze and unhold it.

"I know what I want. I want to be with you. There's still a month and a half left. That's a lot of time." He realizes that I'm being serious, he frowns shaking his head. "You... You're going to be almost six months by then. I missed your first pregnancy, I... I don't want to miss the second."

"You are already missing it." I say the hard truth. It's not his fault though. But right now I just can't pretend that everything between us is fine. I'm hurt and I need to heal. "We'll be alright. I will take care of the two of us."

He presses his lips together, holding his tears back. He then turns to look at Jack, running a hand through his hair. This is difficult for me also, I'm still going to miss him.

"I will come every two weeks to see Jack, if that's okay with you." He says after reuniting strength to speak. "Maybe he can stay those weekends with me."

"Of course. And I will keep you updated with the upcoming appointments of little bean." I smile at him, trying my best to not to cry in front of him.

"This is it, then." He sadly chuckles, a single tear leaves his eye and he cleans it almost instantly. 

"It's for the best. We need the time to think." I say, giving him another smile. I then move the napkin out of my legs, standing up. "I need to pee, I'll be right back." 

I wasn't lying, I needed to pee. But right now, five minutes have passed and I still haven't left the bathroom. I just didn't want to cry in front of him. I need to be strong, this is for the best and we really need it. I take another minute to myself and then I wash my face, making sure I look sane before I leave the bathroom. 

When I come back to the table, Harry is signing the check of our meal, Jack is now on his lap. I sit back down, taking a sip of water. He gives the check to the waiter and when she leaves he looks at me. 

This is so strange. This is a first for us. This is not a break up but it still feels a little bit like it. It's scary. 

"A month and a half." He says, breaking the silence. "That's going to be a long fucking time." 

"We are going to be okay." I reassure him. He nods his head, standing up holding Jack on his side. I stand up as well, taking the diapers bag. 

"Uh- Can I... Keep Jack until the end of the day? I miss him." He says while we both walk to the entry. I stop at the front door, looking at him. 

"Yeah, of course." I say, giving him the diapers bag. He secures it on his shoulder and gives me a small smile. "Just drop him by when you want." 

"Thank you." He says, he looks down to the floor, pensive. "Also, come back to the house. It's yours too and it barely smells like you." 

"I will think about it." I promise, I have been needing my space also. 

There's silence, again. I know this is very hard for both of us. 

"I'm going to miss you." He says only for me to hear. 

"I'm not going anywhere. We are not breaking up." I say but he shrugs, his lips going to one side. 

"I know. It just feels awfully like it." He says, moving his hand to the door. "Goodbye." 

"Take care, Harry." I say, staying inside and waving goodbye at both of them leave through the door. 

That's it. 

A month and a half without him. 

-

A/N: Sooo hi. I also hate myself for being away for some time. But I promise to update again sometime this week. Ily. Forgive me, I'm miserable. Bye.