CHAPTER SIXTEEN | MAJOR PENALTY

a foul that has a measurable physical force or effect which causes harm or adversely affects the game. assessed if the infraction has extensive impact on safety or game play.

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          "Can you please stop beating yourself up?" Katrina asked, for the millionth time, exasperated. "What happened wasn't your fault. We won the bout. Even if you didn't complete the first jam, we completely wiped the floor with those girls from Quinnipiac. You have absolutely no reason to be sulking."

          I groaned, sinking into my bed, and shivered when she pressed an ice pack to the sore area on my hip. "For starters, I'm injured. It hurts like a bitch."

          "You'll live."

          I let out a pained hiss when she refused to ease the pressure. "Not like that, I won't." Kat scoffed. I was lying on my side, facing the wall, while she sat behind me, by my knees, so I couldn't even see her face, but I didn't think I needed to. She still thought I was overreacting, but I begged to differ. I certainly wasn't sulking, either; if anything, I was worried. "I could have completed that first jam."

          "You could have, yeah. But—"

          "—Corinne," Theo completed, sitting on Kat's bed. I'd almost forgotten she had followed us back into our dorm room after the bout, as she hadn't said a word until now, probably taken aback by the reality of roller derby. Regardless, I wasn't a fan of her treatment of Corinne, even though it wasn't that different from my own when I first met her, but I'd had a reason to do so. To get to Corinne, she'd have to go through me, however little that meant. "She'll be fine, right?"

          "She's tough," Kat said. "She'll be okay. Wren, however, will be a lot sorer than she currently is if she doesn't stop squirming."

          "She's tough," Theo echoed.

          "That, she is. Atta girl."

          I sighed, not wanting to continue this conversation.

          Technically, there really wasn't anything I could have done to make things better, and yes, we were lucky that we still won the bout without Corinne. All those speeches Coach had made about us learning to play various positions had paid off, but, fortunately for me and for the rest of the team, I remained the jammer. The blockers switched places, ultimately making Marley the pivot, and the irony of it all wasn't lost on me.

          The jam I hadn't completed, the one I'd personally interrupted to help Corinne, hadn't meant much, but it just showed me how dirty the girls from Quinnipiac were willing to play just to win the bout. Surely, they expected our morale to have tanked following the loss of our captain—no co-captain jokes allowed at a time like this—but, if anything, it had made us want to kick their asses even more than before. We'd successfully managed to do so, even though I already felt a nasty bruise forming on my hip, and I supposed we owed it to Corinne to win after what had happened. I knew I'd done my best, but part of me couldn't help but think I could have done something to help Corinne not get hurt and subsequently get benched until she recovered, something she'd certainly hold against me.

          Regardless of my opinion, she'd be okay. Drew had taken her to the hospital to ease everyone's concerns regarding her health and I'd learned from Kat there was nothing wrong with her, as she'd been wearing her helmet. She'd stay out of commission for the rest of the month to recover properly, but she'd be back in no time. We'd all live.

          I hated that I kept obsessing over how she'd pushed everyone away but me. I hated that I couldn't stop thinking about my arm swung around her, or how glad I'd been to see her regain consciousness, or how I hadn't wanted my feelings to get hurt over losing her to Drew. I hated even more that I even felt entitled to think about her that way, as if she were some sort of trophy I was fighting with Drew over, or like I had any claim to her. I needed to back away, be put back in my place, and not get involved in things that didn't concern me.

          Besides, Theo was still here. I was being an awful host, regardless of whether I'd known she was coming over or even agreed with it, and she was getting bombarded with drama she knew nothing about. Deep down, I knew she had my best interests at heart, even if she didn't know the right way to act on it, but I was still having a challenging time forgiving her for indirectly causing my current circumstances.

          Granted, if it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have met Kat or any of the other girls on the team, including Marley and Corinne, but we could have easily found a good clinic for Jordan back in California. People couldn't expect me to suddenly be okay with my entire life changing overnight, or with how I'd lost all my friends, my hobbies, and my university, or with coming to the hard to swallow conclusion I was a massive hypocrite. How many times had I complained about people making Jordan's mental health about me and my family? Wasn't I doing the same thing?

          "And done," Kat said, removing the ice pack, and I slowly sat up on my bed. The ache on my thigh had subsided, giving place to a now somewhat comforting numbness, and the room was no longer spinning around me. I'd be sore the following morning, but maybe I'd be able to get some sleep tonight. "Better?"

          "Yes," I replied. "Thank you so much."

          "No worries. It'll heal." She turned to Theo. "Do you have plans? You can stay for dinner, if you'd like."

          Theo glanced at me, hesitantly, as though she was waiting for my confirmation. "I should get going. Maybe some other time."

          Kat's face fell. "Oh. Okay."

           "If I ever come back, then definitely. I just don't want to take too much of your time."

          If the circumstances of her visit were any different, I would have asked her to stay, desperate for something that reminded me of home, but no words came out of my mouth. Just like she'd watched me leave three months ago, this was my time to do the same thing.

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          The following afternoon, I found Corinne skating, as though she shouldn't be resting to recover, but I wasn't entirely surprised by that. If anything, she was stubborn, headstrong, even, and she'd have to be dragged out of the track kicking and screaming, and then tied to her bed. Even then, I wouldn't be so sure she wouldn't be able to break free and come right back.

          I hadn't been purposefully trying to find her, but there were only so many places she could be. This was what she lived for, even if it hadn't been her choice at first, but there she was, running laps around the track for no apparent reason.

          She didn't see me at first, buried so deep inside her own head, but, when she did, she seemed reluctant to acknowledge me when I leaned over the rails, arms crossed. I'd brought my own skates along just in case, even if I definitely hadn't been looking for her, but stepping onto the tracks while she was there felt like an invasion of privacy. I'd always felt more at home on an ice rink, anyway.

          "If you take a photo, it will last longer," Corinne said, after a while.

          "Don't flatter yourself." Even in the distance, I could see her eyes narrowing. Nevertheless, she still stopped skating, coming to a halt in the middle of the track. "You don't need to stop just because I'm here."

          "You're staring. It's distracting."

          "Like I said, don't flatter yourself. I'm not here because of you."

          "Could have fooled me." She slowly lowered herself to the floor, carefully sitting down without spraining an ankle, something I'd never known how to do properly—with the sharp ass blades on my ice skates and all—and crossed her ankles. "I'm not saying you're distracting. Don't assume stuff. Having people staring at me makes me nervous; it's not about you."

          "Okay, great!" I pressed my hands against the rails. "I'll leave you to sulk, then."

          "No need."

          I huffed. "Corinne."

          "Here." She patted the floor behind her, beckoning me to join her, then laid down. Huffing, I joined her, mimicking her position, but not next to her. Instead, only my head was next to hers, believing an upside-down version of Corinne wouldn't be nearly as distracting as the regular one, and it helped with not staring at her for too long. "See? Was that so hard?"

           "I'm guessing this is something you do often."

           "Sometimes. It helps me relax and put things into perspective. You don't really realize how big the track is until you take a moment to actually look at it." Maybe she wasn't meaning to sound pretentiously poetic, maybe it was just a simple statement I was reading too much into, but maybe that sort of attitude came with her English degree and all the books she had to read. "So, Thanksgiving. Do you celebrate it?"

          "No, not exactly. My parents like the idea of bringing the family together for the holidays, but it's just because I'm off school and don't have any excuses to get out of it. Thanksgiving itself is pointless to me." I paused. "You?"

          "No. I'm not really a fan of what it represents. You know, the whole genocide and all."

          "As you should." She chuckled, her head vibrating softly against mine. I clenched my arm around my stomach. "What will you be doing for the holidays, then? Is it just a regular break for you?"

           "Well, I'll have the house for myself. Mom's flying to France because of some convention, so I'm planning to skate a lot, read, and not fall behind on college work. You've only just started, but it gets hard to balance your personal and student life."

          "You do know I used to be a competitive skater, right?"

          "Not a real sport, babe."

          I scoffed, ignoring the nickname for the sake of my mental health. "Don't you think you'll get lonely? Even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, it must be strange to be in an empty house."

          She shrugged. "No, not really. I'm used to it. She travels a lot during the holidays. I usually hang out with Drew and his family, but . . ." I had, in fact, noticed how she hadn't mentioned him at all in her list of plans for Thanksgiving break. It had struck me as odd, considering how attached by the hip the two of them were, but perhaps it had something to do with whatever falling out they'd had recently. "You know. Things are a bit shaky between us right now and I might have told him I wouldn't be coming over for Thanksgiving this year. Serves me right."

          I turned my head to face her, almost imperceptibly, not wanting to run the risk of making any wrong moves. "What happened?"

          "Nothing major. Just me being overly dramatic, as always, but we both need some time to cool off."

          I sat up, staring down at her, and she looked up when she felt me move. "You could spend Thanksgiving with my family if you'd like. No strings attached; just some company and comfort food."

          "Are you sure? I got the impression your parents didn't like me much."

          "They never like anyone I bring home at first. It took them over a year to warm up to Theo."

          That came out completely wrong, not the way I wanted it to, but then she propped herself up on an elbow, amused.

          "Oh, so is that what this is about? You want to properly introduce me to your parents." I rolled my eyes, as it was a lot easier than thinking about the consequences of this entire exchange. "I'm flattered. Though . . ." Her facial expression completely changed; she'd been joking up until now, but she looked almost conflicted. "That kind of sounds like you're treating me like a charity case. Don't treat me like something that needs to be fixed, even if it's just my image or my reputation. Don't do that to me."

          "I didn't—"

          "You know, it's exhausting." She rose to a sitting position as well, so close our shoulders and hands almost brushed, and I sucked in a sharp breath. "I don't know why, but people always think I'm damaged. They think they can fix whatever they think is wrong with me, then won't listen when I tell them there's nothing to fix. I'm not . . . I'm not broken. Why is it so hard to understand I've come to terms with how my life has turned out?"

          I didn't want to assume things, as that would be one of the most dangerous things I could do, but part of me suspected that was what she and Drew had fought about. She'd never gone into detail about why she and Marley had broken up and it was far from being my business, but the way she talked about this led me to think this was something much deeper than a one-time thing that had slipped out of Drew's mouth. Once again, the humanization of Corinne Fontaine was catching me off-guard, and I had no idea how to proceed from here.

          I was not a therapist. I knew next to nothing about Psychology, and the most I'd researched about it was every piece of information I could find about family-based therapy and how it applied to Jordan's situation, so I definitely wasn't qualified to declare whether there was something wrong with Corinne or not. She knew herself a million times better than I did, and so did Drew, Marley, and Kat, but I was still the one she was venting to. It felt like a privileged position to be in, as I was unsure if she opened up this much to other people or if it was just with me, but I was also not going to toss that all away.

          "I didn't mean it like that," I argued. "I just didn't want you to be alone during the holidays; besides, it would be nice to have some company. My parents keep ganging up against each other and against me and my brother, so it would be a pleasant change to have someone on my side for once. I'm helping you as much as you're helping me."

          Her eyes softened. "I didn't know you had a brother."

          "I don't talk about him much." Her index finger grazed against the back of my hand, immediately sending my brain into overdrive. "He's . . . it's complicated. I haven't really told anyone about him, but Theo kind of spilled the beans in front of Kat. Kat knows what she needs to know." I took off my skates so I could bend my leg, resting my cheek against my knee. "I never felt like I had to tell anyone anything, especially when I'll only be here until graduation." A muscle in her jaw throbbed. "He's who I go to see at that clinic. He's staying there for inpatient treatment."

           "Sounds complicated."

          "A little bit." She leaned her nose against my arm. My heart instantly flatlined, just like that. "It's my first holiday without him. It's weird because he's at arm's length, but, at the same time, he's locked away. It feels taunting. So close yet so far, right?"

          "Yeah." Her pinky finger was now wrapped around mine, way past it being accidental. "If you want me there, I'll be there. It sounds like you need it."

          "Will you hold it against me that I accidentally hit on you?"

          Corinne smiled. "Possibly. I'm still considering my options."

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what if i told you there's only one bed