CHAPTER THIRTEEN | APEX JUMP

when a skater jumps on the inside of the track from one point of the apex to the other, usually in an effort to avoid or get around opposing blockers positioned there.

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           I was aware of Corinne's proximity to an uncomfortable extent. It was either that or risking falling off the bike by sitting too far away or not holding her tightly enough, so I'd settled for singing as loud as I possibly could inside my head. Maybe that way I wouldn't think about her too much.

          I thought I was doing a decent job at looking unbothered by my sudden epiphany. She didn't appear to notice a thing, probably still obsessing after having let me get yet another glimpse of her personal life, unaware she'd just made it all harder and worse for me. At least one of us had the luxury of not having to take my feelings into consideration.

          I tried to thank her once she parked her motorcycle in the parking lot, but no words ever came out of my mouth when I opened it, so, if I didn't look ridiculous before, I certainly did now. It was quite an impressive feat, in my opinion, the way I managed to embarrass myself in front of pretty women unprompted. Acknowledging that also forced me to acknowledge I thought Corinne was pretty, and acknowledging she was pretty also made it easier for me to remember everything I'd been trying to forget during the ride back to campus.

          "So," she said, as we made our way towards the dorms. It baffled me how she was blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil, but I was determined to keep things that way. Giving Corinne that knowledge and that much power terrified the living shit out of me. "That was fun. Dinner, I mean. Dinner was fun."

          "That's the power of carbs for you," I stupidly replied. She gave me a mocking look, as though she really thought I was stupid. "They really make you feel better."

          "Yeah, well." She threw her hair back over her shoulder. "Don't get used to it. Now that you're part of the team, expect a detailed meal plan and workout regime to show up in your mailbox in a few days. Remember that one afternoon we were all hanging out in the café, eating cake and sugar? That was a goodbye snack. Say goodbye to burgers and fries, say hello to grilled chicken breast and arugula."

          She gagged, but I was apprehensive.

          Some of my favorite dishes, particularly Chinese dishes, were high on carbs, not to mention my love for fried food, but I supposed I could make it work. Our dorm room had a kitchenette setup on one of the corners, which Katrina and I had barely used until now, surviving on dining area food, so we'd have to go grocery shopping soon. I wasn't that great of a cook and I'd once heard Katrina tell a story about how she nearly blinded her mom while trying to boil an egg, which sounded like a terrible omen for things to come.

          I didn't want to be rude and come up with an excuse to ditch her, too uncomfortable to be around her when I was just coming to terms with my recent knowledge, but I didn't know how to escape this situation. It wasn't like I could avoid her forever, thanks to roller derby and our mutual friends, namely Katrina, but all I wanted to do was lock myself in my dorm room for the rest of the semester until it went away.

          "I can walk to my room by myself," I told her, before I could stop myself from running my mouth, and she stopped walking. "You really don't need to follow me. Surely you have better things to do."

          "Oh." She blinked. "Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fine."

          "Yeah."

          She took my helmet, balancing both of them on her hands, and it almost looked comical. "You don't have to worry about me telling everyone about what happened today. Your private life is your private life and that has nothing to do with me or with the rest of the team. I'm not that big of a bitch to be spreading your secrets around." I hummed. "Does Kat know? You two seem to be getting closer, so I assumed she might know a thing or two. Just wondering. In case it ever comes up in conversation and I'm around."

          "No, she doesn't. It's not something I enjoy using as an ice breaker."

          Corinne huffed, cheeks puffed. "That's obviously not what I meant."

          "What did you mean, then? I have a hard time actually figuring out what you're trying to say."

          "Listen here." She stepped in front of me, backing me against a wall and blocking any way I could escape. One of the helmets was pressed against my stomach, the only thing separating her from me, and I wasn't sure whether it was a blessing or a curse that we were alone in the hallway. "I have yet to figure out exactly what is your problem with me, but this back and forth is getting exhausting. Butting heads with you is exhausting, and you're seriously making me regret having let you on the team because you're a drama magnet. You'll try to pick fights and cause drama with me for no good reason. I don't need you to try to paint me as some mysterious creature that's hard to figure out, because I'm not. Don't turn me into some manic pixie dream girl. That's stupid."

          "Then please, by all means, start being clearer when you speak to me, since I'm apparently the only person who has a problem with it." She was standing awfully close to me, so close I could almost feel her breathing against my own chest, if it weren't for the helmet. "I have a hard time believing we're friends when we keep finding each other in situations like these. I asked you a question; I don't know why you're acting like such a bitch over it."

          Her nostrils flared and I knew I was pushing my luck. I was pushing her too far, for no apparent reason, and I couldn't explain the thought process behind my decisions, either. It was one of those things that just happened, that just came out of my mouth, but it was ridiculous. We'd had a fairly decent afternoon together, where she had even met my parents and had gotten a glimpse at my life pre-Yale, but I couldn't stop ruining things.

          What the hell was wrong with me?

          "Do not call me a bitch," she warned. Her tone was more aggressive now, so low I could barely hear her, and I'd be lying if I said she scared me. If anything, there were countless other ways she made me feel. "I will ruin you."

          "So much for being friends, huh?"

          A muscle in her jaw twitched and I could feel her body shake against mine, which almost made me think she was seconds away from punching me in the face. She would either hit me or start crying, something she apparently only did while being drunk off her ass, so I wasn't too worried about her tears right now. It wouldn't hurt nearly as much as anything else she ever decided to do to me as payback, but part of me knew she wouldn't step so low.

          She wasn't Theo.

          "Katrina is your friend," she continued. The helmet dug deeper into my stomach, pressing against my ribs, and I huffed in protest. "I expected it to have come up at some point because she was really excited about getting to know you ever since she found out you two would be roommates. I didn't know it was something so serious you wouldn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even the person you're closest to in this place. I didn't expect you to confide in me." Her eyes narrowed, barely larger than slits. "Why don't you go tell Marley all about it, then? Since you're, like, super close? California girls have to stick up for each other, after all."

          I scoffed. "Now you're just sounding like a jealous teenager."

          Corinne laughed. "Jealous? You think I'm jealous? Of what, exactly? Do you think I look back on the time I spent with Marley with fondness and longing? You think that involves you, in any way?"

          "You tell me. Why does it matter so much to you what I do or don't do with Marley? You were so insistent on having a boyfriend; why don't you focus on your relationship instead of being so concerned with what I do in my free time?" She dropped the helmets, startling me, but made no move to pick it up or even use the advantage of having two free hands against me. I allowed myself to breathe, now that there was no longer something choking me, and tried to push past her, but she curled her fingers around my arm to pull me back. "Um, yes? Do you want something? I think we've already spent enough time lovingly gazing into each other's eyes to last us for the rest of the week. Take out your frustrations in the rink, not on me."

          "This is dangerous territory you're headed towards, Wren. Even if you don't believe a word I say, this is something you should listen to." Her facial expression significantly softened, reminding me more of the Corinne that had offered me a ride to the clinic, the Corinne that had offered me a hot, comforting meal to take my mind off things. These were multiple dimensions of her, and it hardly felt fair to reduce her to just one. "Whatever feelings you think you have, you need to step away from it all. It will wreck you."

          I broke free from her grip with a jerk. "And since when do you care? I told you there's nothing going on between Marley and me. If anything, we're friends. We hooked up. It happens. It doesn't mean it's serious or that I'm begging her for a relationship."

          She looked so tiny, almost apologetic, almost vulnerable. I knew better than to fall from it, in spite of everything. "Who said anything about Marley?"

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          I spent an entire week in utter, unmeasurable agony.

          For starters, I got my period the day immediately after family therapy and my fight with Corinne, which explained a lot of my behavior, emotions, and general sensitivity. I was also attacked by my usual violent cramps, which made roller derby practice a literal hell on earth for me, and, whenever a blocker slammed against me, my entire body felt about to explode. It didn't, because it would be disgusting and gory, but I also refused to say a single word about it before it got used against me. I didn't need these girls, who had been playing roller derby for way longer than I had, to find yet another thing to try and prove I wasn't cut out for it because I wasn't willing to get down and dirty.

          Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I really did think these people cared a lot more about me than they actually did, but I was determined to not occupy too much space and not give anyone any reasons to complain about me.

          So, after an entire week had passed and I could finally sleep without a heating pad pressing down on my stomach to ease the cramps, I found that I'd successfully managed to ignore Corinne without causing any drama between the team. It wasn't an accomplishment I was proud of or even something I'd brag about at family reunions, but we were both so explosive it was best for us to stay away from each other until things cooled off.

          Naturally, just because I hadn't spoken to her, it didn't mean I hadn't been thinking about her. Which I had. Obsessively so. Watch out, Joe Goldberg.

          I didn't want to turn her into a mystery I absolutely had to solve, but I couldn't help but muse over her words and wish she wasn't as cryptic. Apparently, I really was the only person who had a problem with it, as she was straightforward with everyone else, or maybe I kept trying to find hidden meanings behind things that weren't that big of a deal.

          I obsessed over what she'd said, as she wasn't talking about Marley when she mentioned developing feelings, so certainly she knew. She knew I was crushing on her, bad, in spite of the despicable way we'd been treating each other for two months, and I wanted so badly to know what she was thinking I almost considered asking Katrina or Drew if she'd ever said anything about me. That would be the worst idea ever, especially the second I remembered Drew was her boyfriend and they were very much in love with each other, and I was no homewrecker.

          She had gladly ignored me as well, not even sparing a glance my way during practice, and only spoke to me whenever she had to, mostly to boss me around the rink. Marley tried to argue with her, insisting she was being harder on me than on anyone else on the team, and had completely ruined my plan of not being used as ammunition in their feud.

          I didn't care. I honestly didn't. Corinne could kiss, date, have a crush on whoever the hell she wanted and I didn't want to get involved in her personal life, let alone her love life (whine). However, I would not be used to perpetuate bitter feelings left behind after a bad breakup in freshman year and have it be excused as derby banter. Absolutely not.

          "Please stop," I asked Marley, on the 7-day mark of my genius plan to get over my crush on Corinne, when I couldn't take it any longer. "She's just doing her job as a captain."

          "Co-captain," Corinne corrected, venom dripping out of her words. I hated every single thing about her. Everything, from her neon-pink booty shorts (respectfully not staring, especially with Drew sitting on the bleachers reading an Eve Babitz book) to her stupid perfect face was annoying. "Thank you so much, Wren, for finally acknowledging that someone in this team has to look out for the rest of the girls and be responsible instead of letting personal feelings and agendas get in the way."

          She was also a massive hypocrite, but pointing it out would only add more fuel to the fire and piss her off even more. I wasn't dumb enough to keep testing how far I could go before she roundhouse kicked me in the mouth.

          "You need to chill," Marley told her. "You seem to have had it out for me ever since I was made captain—"

          "Again: co-captain. Don't tell me to chill, Marley."

          "I'll stop telling you to chill when you stop bringing your personal problems to practice! You need to treat everyone equally, regardless of whatever relationship you have or had with them!"

          If Corinne could kick me in the mouth right now and knock me out so I wouldn't have to put up with this, I'd thank her and worship her forever, but that would only show Marley I was siding with Corinne. There was no telling what would happen after that and I didn't want to be around to find out, even while unconscious.

          So, after they finished bickering, under threat of being booted off the team and benched for the rest of the season by Coach Fontaine and Corinne skating away, looking downright murderous, we were dismissed. I stayed quiet on my way to the locker room, disgustingly sweaty and smelly, and was eager to take a shower, but Kat stepped in front of me.

          "So, since when have you had feelings for Corinne?"

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here's a quick reminder: if you like this book, you might want to check out the rest of my works ~ gaslighter is a real gem that I no longer hate even though Certain People really tried. triangle is my main nanowrimo 2021 project, which a few older readers might remember from 2016 (woo), now freshly edited and featuring proper grammar and punctuation