"Mum!" The quiet voice of my middle daughter pulls me from my sleep. "Mum! My tummy hurts. Can I have a hot water bottle, please?" She taps my arm as I peel my eyes open.

"Sorry, Daniella," I yawn. "Just give me a second to wake up and I'll-"

"It's okay. I'm already on it," Harry's voice is a deep rumble as I feel the weight of his body leave the bed. "Jump in beside mum, pumpkin," he whispers as his lower half comes into view. I blink as he scoops her up and lays her warm body next to me.

"Thank you," I mumble as sleep calls me back.

"No problem, won't be long." His lips press softly to my forehead before he disappears and the room becomes quiet again.

"You're toasty, Mum." My arm wraps around my daughter as she wriggles closer, her palm patting softly against my bump. The twins wriggle in response, and I hope they settle down quickly. After three back-to-back shows, I need some sleep but I reach over to my bedside table and tilt my phone to make sure my alarm is set for stupid o'clock in the morning. It's Harry's birthday and me and the kids plan to surprise him with breakfast in bed, not an easy task as he's normally the first one to wake.

"You okay, sweetheart?" I ask as I brush my fingers through my daughter's messy waves. Her cheek rubs against my arm as she nods her head. I can tell by the slow rise and fall of her chest that she'll probably be asleep by the time Harry comes back and as my eyes drift closed I'm confident that I will be too.

-----

"Mum!" My eldest daughter whispers as I'm pulling on the last of my running clothes. I hadn't planned on going for a run this morning but Jessi's alarm woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. I glance over at her snuggling with Dani. I don't think either of them had moved a muscle since I got back from uselessly getting the hot water bottle my daughter had requested. They both look so peaceful which makes me glad Jessi's alarm didn't wake them, they deserve the rest. Performing for three nights in a row has tired me out so I have no idea how Jess must be feeling since she's also lugging around her bump.

Dani's arm wraps tighter around her Mum's and the thought that neither of them sought me out for hugs in the middle of the night burrows its way into my mind like a parasite. Perhaps the time I've spent apart from them won't be as easy to overcome as I thought.

"Mum," Robi repeats accompanied by a gentle knock on the door, startling me from my worry.

"Shh..." I whisper when I pull open the bedroom door. I'm a little shocked to find the rest of my kids there too. "Mum and Dani are asleep, they need the rest. What's up?" I ask as I glance from one flustered face to another.

"What are you doing up? You're supposed to be asleep," my teen sighs while rolling her eyes.

"HAPPY BURFDAY DADDY!" Madi yells and I pull the bedroom door closed behind me.

"Thanks princess," I grin as I scoop her up and usher Robi and Mac down the hallway, away from my sleeping beauties. "Less yelling though, okay? We don't want to wake Mum or your sister." I watch as my two eldest kids lock eyes, each quirking an eyebrow and shrugging their shoulders in a mirror image.

"Okay, out with it. What's going on?" I nudge Mac's shoulder as we make our way downstairs.

His eyes flick from his older sister to me and then the floor. "S'nothing," he sighs.

"It's your birthday," Robi huffs and I let out a little chuckle.

"Glad you're so happy about it," I pout and receive another eye roll in response.

"Well, why do you think we're up at the crack of dawn? On your -"

"Ah crap, am I ruining a surprise?" I slap my hand against my forehead and a tight knot of guilt forms in the pit of my stomach. I didn't even question why Jess had an alarm set so early, just assumed it was a mistake.

"Go wait in the office, we'll come get you when it's ready." Robi pushes me along the hall and I set Madi on the floor.

"I wanna go wiv Daddy!" she yells and grips onto my jumper.

"Fine," Robi huffs before gripping her brother's arm as they head into the kitchen.

"Daddy, you pay me song?" My youngest daughter asks as I scoop her back up and head to the office.

"Sure," I reply, forcing a smile even though I feel like a massive shit. I just seem to keep fucking everything up lately.

-----

"Surprise!" Robi, Mac and Madi yell as I walk into the kitchen about an hour later.

"This looks amazing bambinos!" I grin. I mean, the multi coloured bunting my wife probably made is a little squint and hangs so low it might actually strangle someone when they walk through the door but pride definitely swells in my chest. When did my eldest babies get so grown up?

My eyes move to the breakfast table and my grin widens. There's a bunch of flowers that seem to be in a coffee mug and my breakfast is sitting on a tea towel rather than the place mats Jess keeps in the pantry but I don't care.

I don't care that my toast is burnt, the scrambled eggs are overdone or that my smoothie is very obviously lumpy.

"I love you guys so much!" I pull the three of them in for a tight hug as I try to hold back the tears.

-----

My entire body jerks awake. It's daylight, the sun streaming in through a gap in the curtains nips at my eyes. How can it be? I snatch up my phone and blink at the clock that reads 10am!

"Shit!" I try to sit up but with my bump and Daniella hugging herself to me, it's not easy and I fall back down onto the soft sheets. My head falls to the side and that's when my heart really starts to thump. Harry is awake already.

"Daniella! Sweetheart!" I give her a little shake and she grumbles as she opens her eyes. Her fist automatically reaching her face to wipe away the harshness of her wake up call.

"What?" She groans.

"We slept in, your Dad is already up. We have to go get everyone - we have so much -"

"Oh no, his surprise!" She suddenly sits up straight and scrambles from the bed at what feels like blistering speed compared to how I'm moving.

"Hang on," I yell after her but she pays me no notice as she rushes out the door. I finally manage to manoeuvre myself to the edge of the bed and pull on some jogging bottoms.

"Everyone's up! Come on, Mum!" My daughter yells as she comes rushing back through the door. Her hand wraps around mine as I push up from the bed and my mind is swirling with thoughts of my husband. He must think we've forgotten about him.

Daniella abandons me at the bottom of the stairs as we hear voices coming from the living room. My eyes flick over the wonky bunting that hangs from the kitchen doorway but before my brain can process what's going on I hear my middle daughter yell, "you did birthday breakfast without us! And Dad's birthday film!"

She rushes towards me and I open my arms and throw them around her as tightly as I can. Her tears soak through my t-shirt in no time. My little warrior has always had a softer heart than she lets on.

"It's okay, sweetheart," the words sound hollow as I speak them out loud and I squeeze her tighter.

"Pumpkin, don't cry. I'll make you and Mum breakfast and -"

My eyes connect with my husband's and whatever he sees in them makes him pause. I hope he can't see the way my heart pinches because nobody deserves to feel bad on their birthday but I can't deny that I'm feeling as emotional as the girl crying in my arms. Birthday breakfast is a tradition in our house, as is watching the birthday film, as our kids have named it. Really it's just a little video from everyone in the family wishing the birthday boy or girl a special day. In all the years since it started I can't remember us not all watching together, even if Harry or I are away, we facetime.

"We can watch the video again, Dani," he says and I look away from him as he takes a step closer. I swallow down my emotions as I try to comfort my daughter. My arms tighten around her so much, it's hard for me to breathe.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin. You were sick, I wanted you to rest." His voice is soft and calm but it still feels like somebody is rolling a pin-wheel down my spine. "You and Mum needed to rest." His hand brushes against my cheek as he squeezes Daniella's shoulder. "You were amazing in the video."

"You think so?" She sniffles, her head turning to peek up at Harry who quickly sits down on the floor behind her.

"I do. You performed the dance even better than I did."

For the kids part, they had recreated the Treat People With Kindness music video. Robin made their costumes and helped Mac with filming while Daniella and Madison had taken on performing. They were adorable and the fact that I had missed Harry's reaction to that is squishing my heart so hard I worry it might stop beating altogether.

Daniella's grip on me loosens as she turns to face her Dad and I catch a glimpse of the smile he gives her as she falls into his open arms. I move to stand up and let out a soft gasp as his long fingers brush against my wrist before closing around my racing pulse point.

"I really am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt either of you."

"It's okay, Dad," Daniella says and I nod my head in agreement, unable to make myself say the words out loud. I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him, I'd rather be tired than miss these moments with my family, but it's his birthday so I force a smile.

"How about I make you something to eat, Daniella?" I ask as I clumsily stand myself up.

"Me too!" Madison yells, her voice drawing my eyes to the doorway where my eldest kids fidget, bodies bumping shoulders as they rock from side to side. I recognise the comfort move immediately. Even before my son could speak, they'd seek each other out when feeling uncomfortable and give a little shoulder nudge, something to let the other know - you're not alone, I got you.

"Robi n' Mac bweakfast 'gusting!" My youngest daughter's words pull me from my sobering thoughts.

"Hey... I tried my best," Mac huffs before joining Robin in declaring he'd like something too.

"It was a good attempt guys," Harry smiles.

"You hungry?" I quirk my eyebrow at him as he follows me into the kitchen.

"Starving," he breathes, making sure the kids aren't within earshot. "Madi's not wrong, it wasn't pleasant," his chuckle chips a piece off my chilly exterior.

"Well, what are you hungry for?"

"You know what I really want? A toasted sandwich."

"I can do that."

His fingers squeeze gently against my wrist, drawing my attention to the fact he hadn't let go. I pull against his grip as I head towards the fridge to get the cheese. "Jessi?"

The way he almost begs my name makes my feet stop before I've even had a chance to process it, "yeah?"

"C'mere," he effortlessly pulls me into his embrace, "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's fine," My fingers press into his warm chest as I push away from him, blinking to try to control the tears that are once again threatening to escape.

"It's not." He wraps his arms around me and draws me back in. "I fucked up and I didn't realise how badly until I saw it, written all over your face while you hugged our crying daughter." His fingers pull through my hair and I feel a few more chips of ice fall away. "I was trying to do the right thing. I know touring is tiring me out and you have the babies," his fingers slowly brush over my bump, "I wanted to let you rest. I just want to take care of you. I couldn't for too long and I -"

"Stop, please," I beg, my hands bunching up his t-shirt in my fists.

"I'm sorry, baby." His fingertips brush along my jaw and then he cups my cheek in his hand as he tilts my head up to look at him.

"You made me miss seeing your adorable surprised face," I take a deep breath before I continue, "I missed watching your reaction to our amazing babies singing, dancing and playing their version of Treat People With Kindness," I press my finger to his lips to stop him interrupting. "I missed seeing you get all emotional at your Mum's message and I missed seeing you laugh at Gemma's. Those are moments that I never want to miss Harry."

"I'm sorry," He repeats as he presses his forehead against mine.

"I don't care if you have to drag me out of bed or if I'm barely in one piece," my hands automatically slide from his chest to wrap around his body and clutch his muscled shoulders, "you have to promise to make sure I never miss another second, okay?"

"Cross my heart," he whispers. And my heart thaws out completely as he places his hand over my chest, his finger finding my always tattoo and brushing over the spot. I love that we've learned each other's bodies like a road map, even fully clothed, I know exactly where my favourite little freckle of his is and it's the same for him. His green eyes sparkle with mischief, his hand still resting against my breast, as we stand in our kitchen like we're in the middle of our own romance movie.

"Breakfast?" I can't stop from grinning.

"One more thing," he says quietly, "can I have my birthday kiss now, pretty please?"

"I guess -" I don't get a chance to finish my sentence before his lips are on mine. My entire body warms at his touch and I cross my fingers as my arms wrap around his body, hoping that the kids stay busy for a little longer.

-----

"Mum, you look nice," Mac grins as Jessi reaches the bottom of the stairs. I can't agree more. The sage floral print maternity dress looks amazing on her. The criss cross tie at the front really accentuates her bump and two of her other assets.

"You look beautiful, baby," I whisper as I place a kiss on her cheek. "Let me get that for you?" I add as I help her into her cream mohair coat.

"Thank you, you look good too," she grins and I stand taller as her eyes rake over my outfit. I'd chosen a pair of checked trousers that I know she loves and a plain black shirt. "You all do," her grin gets wider as she glances at each of our kids in turn. Robi, Mac and Dani have all gone with variations on shirts and jeans. Princess Madi has of course gone for a dress, pink and covered in sparkles. We are heading to the George and Dragon for mine and Robin's joint birthday party. She requested karaoke so that's what my sweet pea is getting.

"What are you going to sing first Dad?" Mac tugs on the sleeve of my jacket.

"Not sure, bud. What are you thinking?" I ask and I throw my arm around his shoulders while Jess herds the kids out the door.

"Will you sing You're My Best Friend with me, please? I don't wanna sing by myself," his voice is quiet as I wrap my arm around him tighter as we follow his Mum and sisters out into the chilly air.

"I'd love that," I smile, and once I've set the alarm and locked the door my fingers squeeze his shoulder, and my grin gets even wider as he continues to stick by my side as we head down the path, his Mum and sisters are already a little way along the street.

"Awesome!" He cheers and I drape my arm around his shoulders, he shuffles further into my embrace, seeking warmth as the cold night air nips at our skin while we begin our walk to the pub.

"Harry!" Mine and Mac's happy bubble is shattered once we enter the warm building. And I feel Mac's body tense just as much as mine when River rushes towards us. My eyes dart around the room for my wife, she can't be too far. Her and the girls weren't too far in front of us.

"Let's pretend we didn't see her," Mac groans and pulls on my arm. I'm not sure he even cares where we're heading so long as it's in the opposite direction of the woman who is now weaving through a crowd of people who'd just finished their meal.

"Did you see where Mum went?"

"This way - I think," Mac says as he pulls me through the throng of people waiting to get served at the bar.

"H! Happy birthday, mate!" Fred pulls me into a hug, quickly followed by Jamie. "Drink?" they both ask as Mac tucks himself into my side.

"Hey, little guy! How you doing?" Fred smiles at my son.

"Alright," He shrugs as I let my childhood friends go. I haven't seen them since Christmas so I am glad they made it tonight. "Is Aster here?"

"She sure is, immediately ditched us for your Mum and sisters," Jamie laughs. I love that both my friends' faces light up when they talk about their adopted seven year old. She's been with them for almost a year now.

"Loving the shoes, Mac!" Fred says and my son's cheeks turn a little pink as he sticks out his right foot to show off his loafers.

"Dad, bought them for me, they're cool, right?" He grins while patting my side.

As my son and my childhood friends continue to chat, I scan the room for Jessi. I smile when I see Michal with Luka and Lena. Gem and the kids got back some time this morning so I imagine he hasn't let them out of his sight. I spot Tommy and Mitch next but my wife isn't with them so I move on. My heart kicks up a gear when I finally spot her, huddled up with my mum and sister. I still get a kick out of how perfectly she slots into my family.

"Harry?" Fred's voice pulls me from my thoughts and I reluctantly turn back to face him.

"Yeah?"

"Jamie asked if you want a drink?"

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks." I smile before glancing down at Mac. "I'm gonna go find Mum, you wanna come or are you happy here?"

"Uh, I'm gonna go find Jazz," he says before making his way into the lounge that Jess had hired out for the party.

"Catch you later, guys!" I wave at my friends before heading straight for my wife.

I catch the moment they spot me, all three of them straightening, their hushed voices quickly replaced with a much louder, false cheeriness. Great! So no doubt Jess has told them what a dick I've been.

"Harry! Happy birthday, sweetheart!" My Mum sing songs, pulling me into a hug before I can even begin to mull over a defence for my behaviour. At the time, letting Jess sleep seemed like the best plan, she's been so tired lately and her sleep can be so restless but she is right. I was wrong. I knew I'd have been devastated if the shoe was on the other foot but tattling on me to my mum and Gem was a low blow. I felt bad enough already.

"Jess was just telling us about R - O - B - I's surprise tomorrow," Gem smiles and my thumping heart calms as I scrutinise her face for any of the tell tale signs she isn't being honest but I find none. Fuck! What is wrong with me? Deep down I know Jess wouldn't throw me under the bus like that. I mean, there's no way she doesn't discuss stuff with them but she'd never bad mouth me for something we'd already worked through together. I shrug my arms out of my coat and drape it over the chair where my wife's has been placed, suddenly feeling too warm in the crowded room. My fingers go to the sleeves of my shirt, un-rolling and re-rolling them as if that might somehow help.

"You'll have to film her response for us. I can't wait to see the smile on her face," My Mum's voice pulls me back to the room and I realise Jess is no longer with our group.

"Huh?" I sigh as I once again scan the room.

"Robin. She's going to be so excited." The back of my Mum's hand smacks against my upper arm.

"Yeah. She's gonna flip." I force a smile onto my face and I spot Jess over by the bar. Sarah, Jazz and Mac by her side. I watch as she grins at whatever our son just said to her and as her fingers brush through his hair, I feel a stab of jealousy. I shake my head to try to knock some sense into myself, I can survive five minutes without Jess by my side, can't i? The curls at the front of my loosely styled hair fall forward and I run my fingers through them to wrangle them back into place.

"How long has she been begging you guys for a horse? Like, five years?" Gem laughs.

"Yeah, about that." I smile. Ever since her class went on a trip to see the War Horse. I'd finally managed to convince Jess that we could make it work. We'd found stables a half hour drive from our home here and I was hoping to use it in my plan to spend more of our time in Holmes Chapel.

"You okay, love?" My Mum's hand closes over mine, bringing my attention to the fact that I am once again un-rolling my shirt sleeves.

"M' fine," my tone is less than convincing as I push the fabric back up my arms.

"Just relax, H. Take a bre-"

"I'm good. Going to get a drink," I force another smile and wander off towards where I last saw my wife but by the time I reach Sarah and the kids, she's gone again.

"How's it going, birthday boy?" My friend smiles, "need a drink?"

"Water," I reply, swiping the back of my hand across my forehead. "Is it just me or is it roasting in here?"

"Not that hot..." Sarah's words trail off as I swivel my head, searching for my anchor. I spot the kids with Mitch but no Jess. My fingers fumble with the buttons on my shirt as a tightness spreads across my chest.

"Harry?" The grip on my arm startles me and I'm powerless to stop the anxiety making my heart hammer. "Harry? You okay?" Sarah's voice isn't the one I need to hear.

"Need - air -" the words come out in a gasp as I point to the door that leads out to the beer garden. I don't wait for a response before making my way through the crowd of people all trying to wish me a happy birthday. Each pat on the back brings a new wave of panic, the thumping in my chest echoing in my ears until I can't hear anything else. Fuck!

My fingers wrap around the handle of the door to the outside world and I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel the edges of my vision begin to blur. Shit! Not here - please, not here.

"H?" I startle as Jessi's fingers slide between mine, slowly lowering our intertwined hands to my side. "You're okay."

"I -" I don't know what to say. Am I okay? I can feel people's eyes on me and I try to get a grip of myself.

"Ha-"

"I'm good," I interrupt her words.

"You're sweating." Her fingers brush over my clammy hands.

"I'm good." I repeat. "Just a bit hot in here."

"Harry..." She slides one of her hands from mine and I press my entire head into her open palm when she presses it to my cheek.

"I'm so fuckin' sorry about this morning and the other night - day. Christ, I'm sorry for every stupid thing I've done since you got here - I -"

"Fuck!" Jess softly curses before she's tugging on my arm and before I can process what's happening the chill of the night air hits me and I realise we're out the back of the pub, near where the kitchen staff have their smoke breaks. "Breathe..." she whispers as her fingers brush over a dampness on my cheeks.

Jesus! Am I crying? What the fuck am I crying for?

"H... I need you to breathe for me, okay?" She tilts my head so I'm looking directly at her and like a sharp whip of wind, I realise the thumping in my ears isn't the thrum of bass from inside but my own heart still thundering like a charging bull. My free hand clutches at my chest as Jessi's words come hurtling towards me. Breathe!

I take in a huge gulp of air and then immediately begin choking.

"Slowly... in -- and out." I block everything else out and concentrate only on her voice, on her breathing. Telling and showing me what to do and lord knows I can follow this woman anywhere so that's what I do - deep breaths in and out...

Her fingers walk slowly down my spine and I feel some of the stress leave my body.

"That's it, sweetie. I got you." At the sound of her voice my arms reach out for her and I'm confused when they wrap around her legs. I open my eyes and realise I'm bent over, my arms continue to cling to her as I straighten myself up, my eyes locking onto hers as soon as they can.

"There you are." She smiles but I can see the worry in her eyes, in the way she chews the corner of her lip. Her fingers brush through my hair before she wraps me in a hug and holds me close. "You're okay, H. You're okay." She breathes and I squeeze her as tight as the twins will allow.

"M'fine now you're here," I mumble into her hair, our roles flipping as I try to calm her worry.

"Been a long time since I lost you like that." Her breath tickles my chest as she speaks.

"Couldn't control it - almost happened a few times last week. I missed you. All of you. So - fucking - much. And I just - I don't know..."

"Yes, you do, H. Finish what you were going to say." She whispers as her hand strokes up and down my back.

"I don't want to lose you guys - wait - let me explain-" I squeeze her tighter as I feel her body fight me. "The last few days, weeks even, it feels like you guys have learned to cope without me, not that I want you guys to fall to pieces every time I leave the room or anything but I want you to need me, you know?"

"Harry..." she sighs.

I open my mouth to speak and she presses her palm over my lips.

"My turn," she says, not moving her palm from my mouth. "We've been a mess, Harry. We could never learn to cope without you. Trust me."

"But!" I blurt out as soon as she loosens her hand enough to let me speak. "Robi spoke to you about Anlon, Dani looked for you when she was sick and you... I just seem to constantly piss you off. I -"

"Harry... you need to stop trying so hard. We're all good." She smiles before tilting my head and pressing a kiss to my nose.

"Dad, are you okay?" My eldest daughter's voice makes me straighten my spine and force a smile onto my face. I turn to face her and realise she has her siblings in tow as well.

"I'm okay. Just got a bit hot in there. That's all." I make a show of fanning myself, rather uselessly, with my hand.

"You looked like Mac at the airport," Dani says, her eyebrows quirking the same way Jessi's do when she knows I'm talking bullshit.

"Daddy is okay guys. I promise." Jessi says as her hand comes to rest on my back and I draw strength from the gesture.

"Yeah, all good." I smile, scooping up Madi and swinging her through the air, causing her to let out a loud giggle.

"It's okay if you're not, you know." Robi says as she hugs herself to the side of my body. Her brother and middle sister nod as they do the same and a new set of tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I turn to Jess and find a matching look of pride on her face. We raised some amazing and thoughtful, not to mention cute as fuck kids.

"I know but I really am okay. I've just missed you guys. That's all."

"We missed you too," Macs says as his arms squeeze me tighter, "but it's okay cause we're all gonna be together for ages, right?" His hazel eyes stare up at me.

"Right. Now, have you put our names down to sing yet?" I smile as I wink at him.

"Me wanna sing wizzo!" Madi's voice yells right into my ear.

"I'll sing Lizzo with you, sweetie." My wife says as she wraps her arm around me.

"Okay then! Let's go rock this party!" I yell and link my fingers with Jessi's. I don't plan to let her out of arms reach for the rest of the night.