Harry

"Where are they Mum? They've been gone for ages." I complained, my feet slapping against the tiled floor as I paced back and forth. Robin had taken Jess out so he could tell her about his illness and I couldn't settle. I'd been for a shower and I was currently burning my way through three Jo Malone, Sweet Almond and Macaroon candles. My apartment smelled coco-nuttier than a coconut plantation but the scent which usually calmed me was doing nothing to ease the anxious knot swirling in my stomach. 

"Harry, love calm down. They've barely been gone an hour. They're having lunch. It might be some time yet." I could tell she was just as anxious as I was.

"Sorry Mum, it's just -"

"I know but we'll all get through this together, Sweetheart. Now sit down, you're making me nervous." She instructed as she pulled me down onto the sofa. "You should try to rest. I heard you up in the middle of the night." Her arms wrapped around me tightly, it was comforting but my mind was stuck on Jessi. I hoped she'd be okay.

-----

I woke up on the sofa to the sound of the front door and voices, chattering loudly. I must have fallen asleep.

"Hey Styles, did you have a late night last night?" Jessi smiled, plopping herself down on the sofa beside my feet. I could see Robin chatting to my Mum in the Kitchen.

"How was lunch? Are you okay?" She was taking this way better than I expected.

"I'm OK. Robin is going to be fine. I got him an appointment with Dr Robinson. He's amazing. He cured this 7-year-old boy, you might have read about it. Doctors said they couldn't do anything for him either. But Robin will be fine Harry, I know he will." Her fingers gently rubbed my feet as she rambled on about how amazing this Doctor was. My feet softened at her touch and I wanted to get lost in the glimmer of hope she was giving but I couldn't. We'd been through all this and it would only hurt more in the long run.

"Jessi, stop! You can't do this. Everything won't be fine. You have to face up to that." I whispered so my Mum and Robin wouldn't hear.

"NO I DON'T!" She slammed her palms into the sofa, pushing herself up and marching away from me. "Robin, I'll see you tomorrow." She breathed before hugging both Robin and my Mum and saying goodbye before she left. And just like that, the ball of anxiety returned to my stomach. I shouldn't have been so hard on her.

"This is a bad idea." I said out loud to nobody in particular.

"I tried to talk her out of it but you know how stubborn she can be. Once she gets an idea in her head, then you will never change her mind." I knew exactly what he meant. I once watched Zayn try to convince her that him smoking marijuana wasn't any more dangerous than him smoking cigarettes for over two hours, by the end of it she still wasn't budging.

"She's just going to end up hurt and disappointed." I sighed.

"Well, Sweetheart, that's inevitable. It doesn't really make much difference if it happens today or  tomorrow. The important thing is that we're there for her when it does." My Mum stroked my arm, comfortingly. I felt bad for chasing Jess away, I hoped she'd be okay.

----------

"Harry?" Mitch flicked a guitar pick at me. He played guitar in my band and had quickly become one of my best friends. Everyone else had gone off for coffee.

"Yeah?" I asked, feeling bad that I wasn't paying attention but I just couldn't concentrate.

"Dude, are you okay? You've been spaced out all morning?" He put his guitar down and gave me a worried look.

"Not really. I probably should have cancelled today's session, but I thought being here would be better than pacing around at home." I sighed. I couldn't stop worrying about how Jess would take the news. I'd offered to go with her but she made it perfectly clear she didn't want me there if I couldn't be optimistic about this Doctor she'd found. She really believed he would make everything better and I don't think I could deal with the look of disappointment on her face when she found out he couldn't.

"Dallas driving you crazy again?" Mitch asked.

"Nah. We broke up after Niall and Lorena's engagement party."

"Aw man, I'm sorry." Mitch said, even though he didn't like her, much like everyone else.

"Don't be, it was long overdue." I smiled before glancing down at the ramblings I'd written on a piece of paper. I'd woke up from a dream about Jessi, hot and hard. I'd scribbled down the things I could remember, red lace, rum, coconuts and peach lips. I had hoped I'd be able to make a song out of it but it had gotten away from me. The thought of singing about her like that, every night on tour thrilled me. I sighed as I scrunched up the memory and threw it in the bin.

"So what's got you so down?" 

"Jess has dragged Robin to some Doctor, she thinks he's going to perform a miracle and Robin will be fine. I'm worried she's getting everyone's hopes up and it will devastate her when she finally accepts there's nothing anyone can do." I felt tears prick at my eyes and rubbed them harshly. None of this was fair.

"Jess? Your ex? The girl you're still in love with? The girl you constantly write songs about? That Jess?" He raised his eyebrow, a small smirk on his face. I flicked his pick back at him.

"Shut up! She's still close with my parents, well Mum and Robin. I still speak to her Step-Dad too. I know it sounds a little strange but to us it seems normal." I tried to explain.

"Yeah because you're both still hopelessly, in love, clinging to everything that makes you feel like you haven't lost each other. Does she know Sweet Creature is about her?" He said exasperatedly.

"She probably wouldn't believe me even if I told her. She's always underestimated how much she means to me."

"Uhm... H? There seems to be somebody who wants your attention." He nodded behind me. I spun around feeling confused. Why hadn't they just spoke to me over the speakers?

"Jessi!" I exclaimed as I saw her gently knock on the glass from the Control Room. I vaguely heard my chair clatter against the floor as I rushed across the soundproof room and pulled open the door.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. I just - I didn't know - I could really use a hug?" I saw her bottom lip quiver, and I instantly closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I dared. She did the same to me and that familiar feeling of safety flooded over me. I brushed my chain against the top of her head, the scent of coconuts wafting up from her hair filled my nostrils and finally, I felt it calm me. I wondered if the two would always be linked in my mind? Would there be a day where I'd smell coconuts and not think of Jessi? Hmm... maybe that song wasn't lost after all? I made a mental note to retrieve the paper from the bin.

I'd lost track of how long we'd been standing here hugging when I heard Claire, Adam and Sarah chatting as they came back into the studio. My feeling of safety disappearing as Jess pulled away from me.

"I'm sorry. I should let you get back to work." She forced a smile.

"Don't go. You should stay. You've been saying you want to hear my music?" I didn't want her to go and as much as I tried to convince myself it was just because I was worried about her, I knew I wanted her here to make me feel better too.

"Are you sure? I don't want to get in the way?" Her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear.

"Don't be stupid, you could never be in the way. Come on and I'll introduce you to everyone." I smiled as she nodded.

-----

Jessi

I was on my way to Harry's for dinner, using the fact that I was on my motorbike to my advantage and squeezing through the traffic when I could. I'd spent most of the day with him but neither of us felt like eating alone tonight. Anne and Robin were heading out for a romantic dinner together so Harry had invited me over. I pulled into the parking garage under Harry's apartment building and parked my bike next to his Range Rover. Once I'd climbed off I pulled off my helmet and gave my hair a shake, hoping it didn't look terrible.

I let myself in using my old key and smiled when I saw Harry heading towards me. He suddenly paused and his mouth dropped open. "What? Do I have helmet hair?" I sat my helmet down on the table beside the door. He was still just standing there gawking at me so I had a look in the mirror above the table. My hair didn't look bad at all. "What is it?" I asked as I turned back to look at him.

"Nothing. I - uhm - you - you look good." He glanced sheepishly at the floor.

"Oh please, Harry. I just threw on my bike stuff." I had on my black kevlar jeans, an old Guns N' Roses t-shirt and my leather jacket. I even had on my crazy black and pink motorcycle boots.

"I never could resist you on that bike of yours." He smirked. I undid my boots and sat them by the front door and hung my jacket in the closet.

"Does that help?" I asked.

"Not really, I think you could wear a sack and I'd still think you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen." He pulled me into a hug. "Anyway. Welcome. How are you?"

"So so. And thank-you for inviting me." I held him tight. So far we'd avoided talking about Robin's illness. I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted it all to go away.

"You're welcome. I've made lasagne for dinner." He let me go and headed to the kitchen.

"You didn't have to cook, we could've gotten a takeaway." Secretly I was glad he had though, I loved Harry's cooking.

"I wanted to cook. I enjoy cooking for you." He grabbed the lasagne from the oven and carried it over to the dinner table. I smiled as I realised he'd laid the table so we were sitting side by side. He'd remembered I prefer that to sitting across the table from each other. I sat down and felt a huge sense of comfort as he sat down beside me. He definitely hadn't lost his ability for making me feel better.

"So what have you been up to since I dropped you off earlier?" He smiled as I plated up dinner.

"Not a lot. I did some yoga. I looked through some old photographs of my Mum." He made me jump as his big hand suddenly covered mine, squeezing it tight.

"Jess, this isn't like that. You're not alone. We'll all take care of each other and Robin will fight this right to the end. I know he will." He was squeezing my hand so tight, it started to hurt but I didn't want him to let go.

"How long have you known?" I'd wanted to ask him this question ever since I found out.

"About a month." His eyes drifted towards the floor, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you but Robin asked me not to and when I first found out we weren't even talking. I know that was my fault too but when I found out about that Mickey guy, it hurt. I was angry and insanely jealous."

"Hey stop! I'm not blaming you. I just wanted to know how long you've been bottling this up?" I placed my hand on top of his, sandwiching his between both of mine.

"I'm okay." He tried to smile.

"I know you're not." I flung my arms around him and held him close, "but that's okay. You're allowed to not be okay." I had to try to be strong for him, I knew how much losing a parent hurt and I'd do anything I could to make it just a little easier. He pulled me onto his lap and held me tight, he buried his head in the crook of my neck and my heart ached as I felt his tears soak my t-shirt. I held him tighter and stroked his hair. "It'll be okay, Harry." I tried to comfort him but as his tears became proper sobs, I couldn't stop my own tears escaping. Nothing about any of this was okay. Robin didn't deserve this, nobody deserved this. I clung to Harry as if my world depended on it and he was doing the same to me. It felt like the only thing that could comfort me.

-----

I was startled awake by the front door opening and for a second I was confused as to why I was asleep in Harry's arms. I thought I might have been dreaming but then I remembered we'd been watching movies and chatting. We both must have fallen asleep.

"Aw, look at them." I heard Anne's voice and footsteps as they came closer. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to leave Harry. I couldn't really explain it but it felt like being here was where I needed to be.

"I know. Harry sleeps so much better when she's here." Robin added.

"Don't. It still breaks my heart that he's sleeping in the guest bedroom because he can't bear to sleep in their old room without her." Anne replied, and I felt a blanket being placed over us. I had no idea Harry wasn't sleeping in our room. I'll admit the idea of him and Dallas sleeping in there upset me quite a lot, but it seems like I had been worried for no reason.

"I know." I heard Robin reply.

"I just wish they would get back together, they are so much happier when they are together." Anne sighed, and I heard their footsteps disappear. I snuggled in closer to Harry, his aftershave filling my nostrils as I disrupted his t-shirt.

"It's rude to eavesdrop." He startled me.

"I didn't mean to, it's just I - I didn't want - Oh, just forget it." I sighed.

"I was only joking. Are you okay? You didn't want what?" He tightened his arm around me.

"I didn't want to go, okay? I knew if they saw that I was awake then I'd feel like I should go but I don't want to just yet." I confessed.

"I don't want you to go either." He placed a kiss to my head. "I know it sounds stupid but you make me feel safe, like everything will be ok as long as you're here."

"It's how I feel too. I wish I wasn't leaving for Hawaii in a few days." I sighed.

"What?" Harry suddenly sat up. "When? Why?" He raised his voice.

"I told you at Lori and Niall's engagement party. It's for work and my flight leaves on Thursday."

"I don't know anything about this. Don't go!" His eyes pleaded with mine. "Please?"

"Harry, I have to. It's my job. You can call me if you need to talk." I stroked his arm.

"I don't want to call you." He pouted. "I want you here. We belong together."

"OK. I should definitely leave." I climbed up off the sofa and went to find my boots.

"Stop!" Harry rushed in front of me and blocked my way. "Tell me you don't love me and I'll never mention us getting back together again."

"I - I - d-" My eyes fell to the floor. I couldn't make myself say it. I'd tried several times before. I knew it would get him to give up on me, to move on but I could never make the words leave my lips. Harry hadn't said a word, so I looked up to find him standing there, staring at me, eyes wide with fear.

"I actually thought you were going to say it!"

"I don't know how not to love you. Sometimes I wish I did because it hurts so much. I can't be what you want me to be. I want to be your friend but maybe it's just selfish of me to expect that?" I sighed.

"I won't give up." He stated. I didn't know what else to say, so I walked around him and put on my boots, grabbed my jacket from the closet and left. Harry didn't even try to stop me. I didn't know whether to be pleased or hurt.

----------

It was Christmas or almost. It was December 22nd to be precise. I was in LA, at Lori and Niall's, waiting for Harry to pick me up.

"You sure you don't want to come spend Christmas in Ireland? My folks would be happy to see you." Niall asked for about the fifth time.

"Thanks Ni, but I'll be okay." I was headed to Holmes Chapel for Christmas. Anne and Robin had invited me months ago and considering it might be Robin's last Christmas I didn't want to miss it.

"Niall, it'll be fine. Harry wouldn't ruin Christmas." Lori added.

"It's fine guys. We've been talking, I just haven't seen him. We've both been busy." Harry had been busy finishing his album, and I'd been in Hawaii, London and then Holmes Chapel for a few weeks and New York. I'd only flown into LA a few days ago.

"HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS!" Harry's voice filled the house.

"Merry Christmas!" Niall and Lori replied and hugged Harry when he entered the Living Room.

"What's wrong with Scrooge?" He asked Lori while pointing in my direction. I'd spent days telling myself it wouldn't be awkward seeing him again, but it was. I just couldn't stop thinking about the last time we'd seen each other, when he just let me leave without saying a word. But that was what I wanted, right?

"Nothing is wrong with me and I'm not a Scrooge." I snapped.

"Calm down Jess, it's Christmas!" He got me in a headlock and ruffled my hair.

"Get off me, Styles!" I groaned.

"Haz, leave her alone." Niall said and Harry suddenly let me go.

"OK, what's up? Have I upset you?" Harry spun to face me.

"No, everything is fine. Come on, we should go or we'll miss our flight." I quickly said goodbye to Lori and Niall and wished them a Happy Christmas, before dragging Harry towards the door. He walked outside and stood in front of the car, leaning on the bonnet.

"Jess, tell me what's bothering you or I'm not getting in this car." He folded his arms across his chest as if to confirm his point.

"You look like a big baby when you pout like that!" I teased. I just wanted him to drop it.

"I'm serious. I'm not moving." He was trying hard to hide a smirk.

"Hey, you knock yourself out!" I raised my hands in surrender as I sat down on the steps to Niall and Lori's. "I won't be the one who has to answer to Anne for making us late."

"Jessi?" He whined.

"Harry?" I mocked.

"Please, just tell me what's wrong?" He continued to whine.

"Harry, honestly, nothing is wrong. Can we go now?" 

"You swear you're not mad at me?" He pouted, unfolding his arms.

"I promise I'm not mad at you." It wasn't a lie, I wasn't mad. I didn't know what I was feeling.

"Prove it." He walked towards me.

"How?" My heart thumped as I waited for his answer.

"Give me a hug?" He smirked and held out his arms. I didn't hesitate. I jumped up and flung my arms around him. I loved Harry hugs and I couldn't stop smiling as he held me tight.

"Now come on, you're going to make us late!" He chuckled.

"Whatever, Styles!" I nudged him as he let me go and we both headed to the car.

-----

We'd been flying for about an hour. I'd been trying to sleep, we were flying First Class, so we had our own little pods and I thought this would make it easier but no success. I'd never been very good at sleeping on a plane, except after me and Harry had sex but that wasn't exactly an option now. I heard the partition between mine and Harry's pod slide down.

"Jess?" He whispered. "I'm bored." I tried to ignore him and pretend I was sleeping. "I know you're awake. You're not doing your sleepy breathing."

"Go away, Styles!"

"Jess? Talk to me or I'm going to lose my mind." He whined.

"I'm trying to sleep." I sighed.

"I know you can't. The only time I've ever seen you sleep on a plane is after we, you know?" He pulled off my sleep mask but I kept my eyes closed. "Jess!" He poked my cheek, I ignored him. "Now there's an idea... we could do that!" My eyes shot open, and he wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"In your dreams." I sighed, pushing him back over into his pod.

"I had a dream about that last night, actually." He smirked.

"You're such a liar. Anyway, you win. I give up trying to sleep. Now what?" I sat up in my chair.

"I am not. You had on that red lacey Stella McCartney underwear, you remember the one?" He was still smirking.

"I do. I have that with me." I giggled as his eyes widened.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. Although you won't be seeing it!" I flicked the side of his head.

"Ouch!" He rubbed the spot with the heel of his hand. "Only Mickey sees that these days, huh?"

"Pfft... not likely." I groaned. "I haven't seen him since Lori and Niall's engagement party."

"What happened?"

"Nothing really, he's just... he tried to control me and what I do and well..."

"He's terrible in bed?" Harry chuckled.

"Well, not when he put in the effort but that was very rare." I sighed.

"Well, that's his loss, watching you cum is one of my most favourite things." He said way louder than I expected.

"Harry!" I nudged him and looked around to make sure nobody was listening.

"What?" He laughed.

"If you don't behave, then I will go back to trying to sleep." I pouted.

"No, don't do that!" He placed his hand on my arm and instantly set my senses on fire, my body could never seem to fail to react to his touch.

"So how about you? Are you seeing anyone?" I forced myself to ask, best to get it over with.

"Nah. The trouble is they have to live up to my ex, and she was pretty damn special, one in a million." Harry smiled.

"I'm sure Dallas will be thrilled to hear that."

"You know very well I'm not talking about Dallas." He interrupted and squeezed my arm tighter.

"So, what are we going to do for the rest of this flight then?" I changed the subject.

"Snuggle and movies?" He smiled, all dimples. I nodded. "Come over here then." He patted his lap. I closed the partition between us and hurried around and knocked on the door to Harry's pod.

"Why hello there, are you my appointed snuggle buddy?" He chuckled to himself.

"Always." I grinned and sat down beside him, the giant First-Class seats plenty big enough for both of us, but Harry took issue with that as he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. I wasn't complaining, I held him tight and rested my head against his chest. This was my favourite place to be.

"What do you want to watch?" His breath gently ruffled my hair.

"You know." I smiled as he had typed in Love Actually in the search bar. "Yes." I whispered when I realised they had it. This was one of my favourite movies and I loved watching it with Harry.

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion is starting to make out that we live a world of hatred and greed but I don't see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere, often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the twin towers as far as I know, none of the phonecalls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were all messages of love. And if you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around." Harry and I recited the opening together. It was one of my favourite scenes in the movie.

"I love this." Harry whispered.

"Me too." I replied, referring to both the movie and being held in his arms.

-----

We had arrived in Holmes Chapel late in the evening on the 23rd. Anne had already made sure all our things had been put away in our rooms, I was sharing Gem's room, and Harry and I had added our presents to the pile under the tree.

"Hey Jess! Do you want to come to the pub tomorrow night? With me, Fred and Jamie and some of my other friends from school? I think Gem's going too." Harry asked, reading something on his phone.

"Yeah." I smiled, that sounded like fun.

"Awesome." Harry started typing on his phone.

"So how was your flight? You both look shattered." Anne glanced from Harry to me and back again.

"Yeah. I'm pretty tired. I never was very good at sleeping on planes." I smiled.

"Me neither." Robin added as he sat down on the sofa beside Harry. He looked like he was doing well, he still didn't look ill.

"I reckon it's just our bodies being smart. No use being asleep in an emergency." I poked my tongue out at Harry.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Flying is safer than driving you know?" Harry threw a cushion at me.

"You keep telling yourself that H but you're infinitely more likely to survive a car crash."

"Can we stop talking about crashing please?" Anne interrupted, she sat down on the floor beside me.

"Sorry." Harry and I mumbled.

"That's okay, can I get you guys anything to eat?" She asked.

"I'm good." I smiled.

"Me too." Harry added.

"Oh, I'm so happy you guys are here." Anne suddenly squealed and I couldn't help but laugh.

"It's nice to be home Mum." Harry smiled and I couldn't agree more. I'd always loved it here, Anne and Robin always made me feel welcome.

"Are you still dating that photographer?" She turned to me.

"He better be treating you right." Robin added.

"No." I shook my head and Anne tried to hide her smile.

"Aw, that's a shame, Sweetheart." She patted my leg.

"Yeah, we didn't even get a chance to meet him." Robin said.

"It's ok. I'm sure you wouldn't have liked him." I replied. I had never wanted to introduce them.

"He wasn't good enough for Jess." Harry suddenly spoke up, tearing his eyes from his phone.

"Well good riddance then, yeah?" Anne was mouthing something to Harry but I couldn't see what.

"Yeah." I smiled.

"Well, I'm sorry guys but I'm shattered. I'm going to head to bed." Robin smiled, getting up from the sofa.

"Hold on, I'll come with you, Love." Anne smiled as Robin helped her up. They hugged us both and said goodnight before they headed upstairs, leaving me with Harry who seemed to be glued to his phone.

"Who are you talking to?" I asked, moving to sit down on the sofa. I lifted my legs up onto the sofa and drummed my feet on his thigh.

"Nobody." He threw his phone down on the sofa and pulled my feet into his lap before gently starting to rub them. It was nice, my feet felt pretty tired.

"You excited for Christmas?" He smiled.

"Huh? Oh yeah." I replied lazily, I was enjoying my foot rub.

"Did you get me a present?" He chuckled.

"Obviously, why wouldn't I?" He just shrugged in response. I heard my phone beep in my pocket, it was probably Lori or Danny, I'd reply before bed.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but my phone beeped again and stopped him in his tracks.

"Sounds like somebody really wants to talk to you." He smiled.

"Sorry." I sighed and pulled out my phone. I furrowed my eyes as I read that it wasn't Lori or Danny but Dougie. McFly Dougie.

"Hi, it's Doug. I met your friend a few weeks ago. How's things?" His first message read and then my mouth almost fell open as I read the next message.

"Just because it's Christmas (and at Christmas you tell the truth) - I'm trying to ask you out?"

What the fuck?

"You alright? You look -" Harry tilted his head and scanned my face, "confused?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Who is it?"

"Dougie."

"Dougie who?"

"Poynter."

"Oh." Harry suddenly stopped rubbing my feet. "I didn't realise you guys were friends. I mean obviously you don't dislike each other but I didn't think you spoke."

"We don't, really." I sat my phone down beside Harry's. I was still stunned.

"Aren't you going to answer him?" He started to rub my feet again.

"Later, maybe?" I had no idea what I'd even say.

"Your feet are so tiny." He smiled.

"Excuse me, but my feet fit my body perfectly, I'd look pretty dumb with your massive size tens, wouldn't I?"

"Like an adorable little clown." Harry chuckled and I couldn't help but laugh too. All the awkwardness I'd been worried about had gone. Being here felt like home, just like it always had.