Jessi

I heard the familiar clickety-clack of the camera shutters as we waited in line for Jane's Carousel and I automatically untangled my fingers from Harry's and plotted a route back to the car. I wished I'd brought my motorbike as I knew I could get away if they followed us. I glanced down at the teeny person hugging herself to my leg as she bounced excitedly, her eyes carefully watching the horses prance round and round. Lux would have a fit if we left, she'd been so excited about riding the horses, bombarding Harry with questions about the carousel over breakfast. We'd been babysitting all weekend while Lou had to work, one of her clients had been shooting a music video in the Hamptons.

"Hey, we're not hiding anymore, remember?" Harry smiled, linking his fingers with mine once again and placing a soft kiss against my cross tattoo. I wanted to look and see how many of them there were, it sounded like a lot but it could also just be a few taking pictures constantly. The temptation became too much, and I turned my head to look over my shoulder but Harry grabbed my chin and turned my head back, tilting it up to face him. "Eyes on me, Baby. We're fine. I got you." He soothed, and it was only then I realised my breathing had quickened along with my heart rate. 

"I'm sorry." I took a few deep breaths and hugged myself to his arm.

"Hey, don't apologise. Trust me, I know. It weirds me out too and honestly, it makes me want to head back home but if I did that every time then I'd never leave the house. Just pretend they're not there, it's just us." He placed a protective hand to Lux's head, who thankfully seemed to be oblivious to the whole thing as the queue started to move.

"I want the white one!" She screeched as she made a beeline for the horse that had won her heart.

"Three, please." Harry grinned at the lady collecting the money while I hurried after Lux.

"What happened to staying by mine and Harry's side?" I asked as I caught up with her, trying to clamber onto a very regal looking white horse, although I'm not sure he'd be pleased with Princess Lux using his tail as a rope.

"Sorry." She pouted as I scooped her up and sat her down in the saddle.

"Which horse do you want, Baby?" Harry's arms slipped around my waist and my heart jumped into my mouth as Lux almost fell in her hurry to turn around.

"No Horsey!" She exclaimed. "Pince and Pincess in the cart, p-lease?" She pointed her teeny little finger behind us.

"After you, Princess Jessi!" Harry chuckled as he held out his hand to 'help' me into the carriage.

"Why thank you, Prince Harry!" I smiled, sitting myself down and as Harry sat down beside me, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous he looked squished into this little carriage but he didn't seem to care one bit. Lux was happy, so he was happy.

"Take us home, please, driver?" He yelled to Lux and her mouth dropped open in a gasp.

"I'm the Qween! Silly Billy!" She scolded. Harry squinted his eyes and held his hand up to his forehead as if struggling to see.

"So you are. I'm sorry, your Majesty! It's hard to see from down here!" He chuckled. The ride started up and both Harry and I reached for Lux as she slipped a little.

"I o-kay!" She yelled, and I sat back as I saw her hands grip the pole. I snuggled into Harry's side as his arm snaked around me and I found myself wondering what it would be like if we had children of our own. Would they have Harry's curls or my waves? Would they have green eyes or brown? Boy or girl? I got lost in my little daydream as the gentle motion of the ride washed over me, all thoughts of the Paparazzi being banished to the back of my mind.

-----

"Where the sun go, Harwy?" Lux asked sleepily as we watched the sunset. Her pronunciation of her r's becoming more lazy as she became tired.

"Well-" Harry paused as he picked up a stick and I found myself fascinated with where he was going with this, I mean she'd just turned five, a simple the sun has gone to bed would have probably been a sufficient answer. "Earth is like a big circle." He explained while drawing a circle in the dirt.

"I like swirkles." Lux grinned.

"So this is the sun -" He drew a smaller circle about five inches out from his 'Earth'. "And in the morning it starts here and then it goes all the way round to here and that's bedtime." He dragged his stick halfway round the circle and Lux was watching in fascination. "Just like now, it disappears," he nodded to the sunset.

"Where?" She said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Well, just because we can't see it doesn't mean it stops. It keeps going, making daylight on the bottom until it gets all the way back here and it's morning for us again." Harry continued with his drawing in the dirt and I was actually quite impressed, she was soaking up every word.

"What if the sun gets sleepy?" Lux looked up at him as if he was the smartest man she knew.

"Then she just closes her eyes, she moves nice and slowly, like when you're on a floaty in the swimming pool." Harry grinned.

"I wuv floaty nap!" She nodded, and I found myself giggling, the big kid beside her liked a floaty nap too. The floaty of choice lately was a giant pink seashell. Five minutes bobbing around on that and he was out like a light. "Sun visit the bottom now?"

"Yep, but she'll be back in the morning. Now, let's get you back to your parents before they send out a search party, yeah?" Harry scooped her up, and I made sure we had everything in the backpack before I slung it over my shoulder.

"I wanna walk!" She whined and wriggled until Harry set her down. She skipped off with a cheer as Harry yelled for her to stay close but she didn't get very far before she let out a glass shattering scream.

"Luxy?" Harry yelled as we rushed to catch up with her.

"In the bush!" She squealed as she hid herself behind my leg and I turned to see a man with a camera scrambling away.

"Fucking Idiot!" Harry mumbled, his hands balling up into fists.

"You okay, Lux?" I asked as her fingers gripped my leg. She nodded before holding her arms up towards Harry.

"Carry me?" Harry scooped her up, and we continued our walk to the car, making sure we gave every bush a poke with a stick, just to be safe.

----------

I heard a knock at the door and my fluffy socks slid on the marble floor of the apartment as I walked to answer it.

"Morning Jess, just checking in. I trust there was no trouble last night? Also can I use the Bathroom before I start?" Matt grimaced as he hopped from one foot to the next.

"Come in!" I exclaimed, getting out of his way. "I don't know why Harry has you sitting down there all day, I can just as easily call you if I want to leave." Our Tribeca apartment building was Paparazzi free, had a doorman and state-of-the-art security. I was at least safe here even if it didn't feel like home yet. 

"It's fine, Jess. For once Harry and I are on the same page. You need full-time security. Plus, I enjoy listening to Bill's stories, I don't think there's anything the old man hasn't seen." Matt chuckled as he reappeared. 

"I guess, at least let me make you a coffee, milk and two sugars right?" I asked as I poured him a cup from the fresh pot of coffee I'd just made. I still wasn't convinced I needed him here all the time.

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks Jess. How come you're up so early, anyway?"

"I got up to watch the Late, Late Show, it starts in a few minutes. Banana and Pecan Muffin?" I pointed to the sweet treats I'd made the night before. I'd taken to baking while Harry was gone and if I didn't offload some of it, I would be twice my size in no time at all.

"Mmm... they smell awesome." He grinned.

"You should take one for Bill." I smiled, shoving another into his hand. "Oh, and take him a water, he doesn't like coffee!" I grabbed a bottle from the fridge and tucked it under his arm as he left.

I plodded back across the floor and flopped down on the sofa, Severus hopped up beside me, curling himself into a little ball against my hip. I was excited to see their Carpool Karaoke segment. Lori had gone with them and she'd been texting me about all the stuff they'd been up to. I wolfed down my muffin while James did his opening monologue, almost chocking a few times as I laughed along.

"So I'd like to start by saying congratulations Harry!" James smiled once they'd all sat down on the sofa.

"What for?" Harry coughed nervously.

"On finally making your relationship with Jessi official after almost a year. I don't know about you guys but it's one of the hardest secrets I've ever had to keep. You guys are adorable together." James smirked.

"Thank-you." Harry blushed.

"I think Lori probably found it the hardest, especially when the fans were telling her they thought they'd make a cute couple." Louis added.

"So what took you so long Harry?"

"Uhm... We're both private people and we just wanted time for ourselves without the whole world giving us their opinion and if I'm honest, I kinda wish we were still private with all the crap she's been getting. She doesn't deserve that." Harry sighed and I let out a sigh of my own as I remembered all the things that had been written about me in the past few weeks. Apparently, I was a gold digger, fame hungry, using Harry to advance my career. According to the press he'd bought me this apartment, even although we'd paid for it together. They'd even run stories I was a single mother, using photos from our day out with Lux.

"She really doesn't. She's an amazing girl, and she makes Harry happier than I've ever seen him." Liam added and my heart buoyed as I heard a little cheer from the audience, it was probably just Lori but it made me happy, anyway. 

"Vomit-inducingly happy." Niall teased.

"You all refer to Jessi and Lorena as your sisters, right?" James asked.

"Jessi is definitely the sister I never had, she even plays golf with me. But I think the reason they're both so close with the guys is they literally throw themselves into whatever we do, they're with us whenever they can be, even if it's just for a day. They take care of us and they always have our backs. They're pretty special." Niall's cheeks turned the most adorable pink colour.

"I can testify to them throwing themselves into things. I remember Lorena was there when we filmed the dodgeball sketch and I think it's safe to say she went full on soccer mom, right?"

"Uhm yeah. She was a little scary." Louis chuckled.

"Well, the lovely Lorena is here tonight but where is Jessi, Harry? I'm beginning to think you've been telling her horrible things about me."

"Uhm. She's at home with our cat but she'll be watching." Harry grinned.

"Hi Jessi!" James waved, and the guys waved too. 

"So do you guys have any plans for your hiatus? A group holiday, maybe?"

"That would be a good idea but I think we're all looking forward to spending some time at home." Niall smiled.

"Well, who'd like to see what happened when this lot helped me get to work?" I cheered along with the audience. This was one of my favourite parts of the show. "Roll the film."

As it started, I got a text from Harry, "I miss you." Quickly followed by another, "James misses you too."

"Jessi?"

"Jess?"

"I know you've seen my texts." Harry kept spamming me.

"I'm sorry but no, you cannot be on my screen wearing that shirt, with your hair like that looking like the hottest man alive and expect me to pay attention to your texts." I replied, my eyes fixed on the screen. "Fuck me!" I puffed out into the room.

"I can't believe my girlfriend is too busy perving over me to pay me attention. If you don't talk to me I'll pout for the rest of the show." I ignored him until they were wrapping things up and then I quickly typed out my reply.

"But Sweetie, if you do that then I'll be forced to spend the rest of the show playing with myself." They cut back to the studio just in time for me to see Harry almost choke on his water. James said something, but I wasn't listening, my eyes were glued on Harry as his long fingers quickly typed out a message before slipping his phone back in his pocket.

"Wait for me, pleeeease!"

"Will you make it worth the wait?" I replied before heading in the shower, knowing Harry would be going crazy not knowing what my response had been but I had to move, Zayn would be here soon, he was meeting me for lunch after meeting with his record label.

I walked back into the Living Room once I was dressed. I picked up my phone and noticed I had a text from Harry.

"You know I will. Damn Jessi, you've got me so horny I can't think straight."

"Same." I replied as I pictured his strong hands gripping my waist as he kissed slowly along my neck. My mind went back to that night in Australia, when I'd watched him get himself off, the way his hair fell over his shoulder as he tilted his back, the way his muscles tensed, the way his hand - I jumped when I heard the door. "Fuck!" I rushed to answer it, trying to shake the X-rated images of Harry from my mind.

"LOVE CUP!" Zayn yelled, scooping me up into a hug.

"HONEY BUNNY!" I yelled back, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. I'd missed him. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks. He set me down on the floor and I relaxed into his hug, my big brother was here and things seemed a little less scary. I heard somebody cough behind him and automatically held him tighter, worried somebody had snuck in behind him. 

"Jess this is Brie, Brie this is Jess." Zayn smiled as he let me go and stepped back to reveal a ridiculously tall blonde. Seriously? Who the hell is this and why does everyone seem to have an aversion to short people? I felt Severus wriggle between my ankles and Brie let out a scream that made him scarper.

"Fuck, Brie? That was right in my ear!" Zayn complained. 

"Sorry. I'm deathly afraid of cats!" She clutched her chest dramatically, and I had to fight not to roll my eyes. She probably did more damage to my poor cat's ears than he could ever do to her. She pulled me into a hug, smushing my face into her boobs. "ZeeZee didn't tell me you had a cat." Well, 'ZeeZee' had told me exactly nothing about you. 

"It's only Severus, he won't hurt you." Zayn said as he freed me from her grasp. "Anyway, what's the plan for lunch?"

"Carbone. Harry booked the table weeks ago. Him and Niall said it's amazing, so it must be good." I shrugged. Luckily, I think he'd booked a table for four so Brie's sudden appearance wouldn't be an issue.

"Having a famous boyfriend has its perks, right?" Brie raised her hand for a high five and honestly I wanted to slap her hand away and then I started to freak out because I could already picture the crap the press would write about this. No doubt this would be more evidence I was after Harry's money, maybe I'd be having an affair with Zayn again or maybe even Brie? So no, Brie, currently I couldn't see any perks to having a 'famous' boyfriend. And now I felt like shit because none of this was Harry's fault.

"Jessi? You okay?" Zayn squeezed my shoulder.

"Sorry, Z. Maybe it would be best if we stayed in for lunch. I can cook!" I suggested, already I began to relax. Staying in was a much better idea.

"ZeeZee! I wanna go out! I got all dressed up." Brie pouted.

"Jessi, you can't hide in here forever, that's not healthy." Zayn gave my shoulder another squeeze and obviously I knew he was right, but it would be so much easier if I could.

"Fine." I huffed like a toddler. "We'll have to check if Matt can drive us? I was gonna take my bike but three of us won't fit." I huffed some more. I much preferred traveling by bike when Harry wasn't here, it made me feel free, less trapped if somebody recognised me, which was becoming more frequent as time went on and it still weirded me out. I could understand now, why Harry still introduced himself to people he met because the fact a complete stranger knows my name is unnerving, it gives me an uneasy feeling in my stomach and by introducing myself first it makes it feel a little more natural when they call me by my name. 

"Yeah! Come on, let's go!" Brie yelled, dragging Zayn out the door. I quickly grabbed everything I'd need and followed behind them, a feeling of dread building in the pit of my stomach.

-----

The sudden banging on the window of the restaurant made me jump. I looked up expecting to see somebody with a camera and instead saw Tom's grinning face. To be honest, I'm not sure he was the better of the two options. I'd been avoiding him. He gestured wildly, and I had no clue what he was trying to say but I let out a huge sigh of relief when he disappeared.

"You know that guy?" Zayn asked.

"JESSI!" Tom's voice shattered the quiet of the restaurant and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I mumbled apologies to a few people as I rushed over to see what he wanted. "Hey!" He pulled me into a hug.

"Hi Tom. What do you want? I'm having lunch with my friend." I shrugged his arms off me. His hug felt like a stranger's.

"I haven't seen you in forever, I tried to talk to you but as soon as our class is over you're whisked out of there with that blonde guy. We still need to do lunch." His eyes flicked to my table, and I knew he wanted me to invite him over.

"I'm sorry, things have been a little crazy lately."

"I know, you've become a little superstar. Lucky you!" He replied.

"Yeah, lucky me!" I rolled my eyes. "Look, I'll call you, yeah?"

"Hey Jess, just bring your friend over. We have the extra chair, anyway." Zayn smiled as he appeared at my side.

"Do you want to join us?" I asked, I didn't want to seem like an absolute bitch but I hoped he said no, this lunch was awkward enough with Brie flirting up a storm with Zayn. Her presence was bugging me, I needed to talk to my friend, and she was just getting in the way.

"I'd love to. I'm Tom. You were at Jessi's party, right?" He smiled as he held his hand out to Zayn.

"Zayn. And yeah. I don't remember seeing you there?" He replied and followed behind them as they walked back to the table.

"Nah, I think Jess was trying to keep her poor friends away from the celebrities." Tom cackled and Zayn gave me a look like 'is this guy for real?' All I could do was shrug and feel sorry for myself. This lunch was just getting worse.

"I don't think you know your friend very well, she'd never do something like that." Zayn replied and I wanted to hug him for having my back. "Tom, this is-"

"Brie Summers. Victoria's prettiest Angel!" Tom interrupted.

"Aww, thank you. You can sit next to me." Brie grinned at him. "Is this an ex of yours?" She suddenly turned her attention to me.

"No. Tom and I - he's in my class at school." I replied.

"You two would be cute together." She grinned, and I sat down wondering if I was in the Twilight Zone or something. Maybe I was dreaming? I pinched my arm but sadly, I didn't wake up. The nightmare continued.

"Uhm. She's dating Harry?" Zayn looked just as confused as I was.

"Nothing wrong with keeping your options open, right, girl?" 

"Oh, I'm not good enough for Queen Jessi!" Tom glared at me and for once I agreed with him, he wasn't good enough for any woman.

"I need a drink, you game Jess?" Zayn asked.

"Keep them coming." I replied as Brie continued to question Tom about his life, I honestly don't think I'd seen him look more pleased with himself.

"So quick question, you realise there are other girls on the planet who aren't Victoria's Secret models, right?" I teased Zayn as he ordered us a bottle of wine.

"Shut up, and your friend seems to like her." Zayn grinned.

"He's seen her in her underwear, that's probably further than he normally gets with a girl." I giggled.

"Okay? Not your friend? We'll talk later!" Zayn said as Brie tried to pull him back into her and Tom's conversation. I nodded. That would be good, I needed to vent, for sure.

"Hey, how were the Stones? I saw the pictures." Tom exclaimed. "It's alright for you to use Harry to get what you want then?"

"Not that it's any of your business but Danny gave me those tickets for Christmas!" I snapped.

"Liar! He just happened to give you two extra tickets for your boyfriend you didn't have at the time? Bullshit! Just admit it, Harry got them for you." Tom snapped.

"Hey, I am not a liar. Danny gave me two tickets for Christmas and I asked him if he could get me two more once I found out Harry wanted to go." I fought to keep my voice calm, the fact that he was airing all of his shit in front of somebody I barely knew was really pissing me off.

"I would have got you tickets, cutie." Brie patted him on the head as if he was a puppy.

"Yeah, well, that's not really the full story." I muttered to myself, annoyed that he was succeeding in making me look like a terrible friend.

"You okay?" Zayn asked as he poured me a glass of white wine. All I did was shrug. "OK. We can talk after lunch." He promised, and I honestly felt like I could burst into tears. So many emotions were swirling around, eating me from the inside. Jealousy over Zayn bringing his new girlfriend, who was stealing my time with him. Sadness at the loss of a friendship, no matter how fucked up mine and Tom's friendship was. Loneliness, without Harry and then there was the absolute doozy, guilt. Boy, did I feel guilty? I'd invited all the press intrusion into mine and Harry's lives, into our relationship and I hated it. I hated reading lies about us, seeing pictures of private moments plastered over magazines. I felt like the entire world was watching my every move, judging my clothes, my appearance, wondering if I was good enough for Harry Styles? Fear was the emotion that bubbled to the surface, if I couldn't handle this part of his life then maybe they were right? I wasn't good enough. 

-----

"I'll pay, Jessi." Tom suddenly piped up, and it surprised me he'd remembered I was here.

"It's okay. I'll get it!" I knew he couldn't afford lunch in here.

"Actually, Mr Styles has already paid for your lunch." Ben our waiter smiled as he cleared our table. 

"Nice one!" Tom exclaimed as I tried to work out how Harry had paid, had he got them to call him or had he just left his credit card number? Either way, it sounded reckless. "So I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow?" He suddenly stood up.

"No, I finished my assignment early so I'm working an extra day at Columbia this week." I replied, glad I wouldn't have to see him.

"Oh OK. See you then." He waved and left. So much for him wanting to talk.

"Brie, I'm gonna go hang out with Jessi for a bit, I'll meet you back at the hotel later, okay?" Zayn said.

"That's fine. I have that photoshoot to get to, anyway. See you later." She gave him a small hug and a kiss on the cheek. "It was nice to meet you, Jessi." She smiled briefly before she too left and I felt like I could finally relax.

"Hey, I'm sorry I sprung Brie on you like that, I wasn't supposed to be meeting her until later but she turned up at the studio and-"

"It's fine ZeeZee." I smirked.

"Oh really? You wanna play this game? Miss Sexton?" Zayn chuckled as we made our way out of the restaurant, brushing past the couple of Paparazzi that were waiting outside. "You should've known better than to act out your Fifty Shades of Grey kink in front of Louis. He thought it was hilarious." He laughed as Matt drove off.

"Oh, and he thinks sweet little Marcel could dominate me, does he?"

"Hey! Stop! I don't want those images in my head." He exclaimed as he made vomiting noises.

"OK. ZeeZee!" I giggled as he rolled his eyes at me.

"So what's with the idiot who crashed our lunch? Is he why you were in a weird mood?"

"He's exactly that, an idiot. I need to cut him loose but I haven't got round to it yet. He's not what's bothering me though." I sighed.

"Hey, tell me what's wrong? ZeeZee can fix anything!" He chuckled, flexing his muscles.

"I think I fucked up, Zayn. I think I fucked up really badly." I sighed.

"Jessi, what are you talking about? What did you do?" Zayn hugged me tight, and I saw Matt watching us in the mirror.

"I made Harry go public with us and I - I don't know - it sucks." I felt a tear roll slowly down my cheek and I brushed it away harshly. I had no right to feel sad, this was all my mess.

"Hey, Jess. It's alright. It gets easier, I promise." Zayn hugged me tighter and my tears soaked his jacket.