Chapter 8

My steps were slow. Ginaya ko kung gaano kabagal noon ang prinsesa sa kan'yang mga hakbang tungo sa altar. She walked to her happy ending whilst I walked toward my salvation.

Hindi p'wedeng hindi ko ito gawin. Not when my sisters traded their beauty for this deadly knife. Hindi maaaring hindi ako makabalik sa karagatan. This was the only way to save me. This was my redemption.

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang pintuan patungo sa kwarto nila. Tahimik ang paligid at tanging ang alon lamang mula sa bintana ang gumagawa ng ingay.  I could hear it calling for me. My home.

The land wasn't supposed to be my home. It was the dream, and sometimes it's better for a dream to remain as a farfetched dream. It's a fantasy that shouldn't become a reality. I was foolish enough, I became a devotee of the phantasms in my head.

I took a deep breath as I unveiled the long curtains hiding the newlyweds. I saw Ragh and his bride in their sleeping gowns. Nakayakap sa kan'ya ang prinsesa, Ragh was shielding her in his embrace.

Ragh never let me sleep on his bed. Wala rin naman sapat na desisyon upang matulog ako roon. My heart fell upon noticing that he loves her, more than his own life. He was willing to be more expose in danger than her.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa punyal. Isang saksak lamang sa kan'yang puso ay malaya na ako sa sakit. Malaya na ako sa mga pagkakamaling ginawa ko. Once the knife is purged into his heart, the pain already ends. I'll be back to where I really belong.

Napalunok ako habang papalapit sa kan'ya. Both of them were peacefully asleep, I can even hear faint snoring. Nang may pwesto na ako na mapili kung saan mas mapapadali ang trabaho ko. Unti-unting tinaas ko ang punyal. I memorized it in my head, isang pagsaksak lamang ay tapos na. Hindi ko na kailangan pang maalala ang paghalik n'ya sa iba, ang paghaplos n'ya rito o kung paano halos nakalimutan n'ya ako. Kaya ko rin siyang makalimutan. Kakalimutan ko ang lupa. Hinding-hindi na ako aangat mula sa karagatan.

I held the knife in a high place, positioning myself. Bumilang ako. Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo -

I saw him moving the blanket to cover the princess. He was half asleep yet he did that because the princess moved a bit. Naramdaman n'ya siguro na nilamig ito.

I remember him carrying me whenever I had difficulty in walking. He provided food and shelter when I was a mere stranger in this kingdom.

Unti-unting bumaba ang mga kamay ko dahil sa aking nahinuha. I gradually gulped because of the huge lump on my throat. Sinubukan kong itutok sa puso n'ya ang punyal. The poisonous knife was gradually losing its color, malapit na ang pag-angat ng araw. I have to do this.

I have to kill him because he didn't love me back. And he didn't deserve that. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't return what I feel. It is just like it's not the land's fault that the sea cannot stay in the land because it means humans will be flooded.

These are the consequences of my actions. It wasn't Ragh's fault, not even the princess' fault.  Inayos ko ang dumikit na buhok ni Ragh sa kan'yang noo dahil sa pawis. I gently fixed his hair and kissed his forehead.

"Magi-ingat ka, ha?" Nilabi ko. Just like the first time we met. The same words, just different meanings.

I couldn't do it.

Killing was wrong and it wasn't his fault that he cannot love me back. None of this is their fault. It was my decision, I should be accountable for it.

Nahihirapan man, mabibigat man ang mga bawat tapak paalis sa kwarto na 'yon. I made sure that I didn't make any noises.

Hinintay ko ang pag-angat ng araw. Napapikit ako habang dinadama ang hampas ng alon sa barko, ang simoy ng alat ng tubig na humahalo sa tubig at ang unti-unting paglalambot ng aking katawan.

Watching the sunrise has never been this painful. I could feel the searing pain on my skin, unti-unting bumubula ang aking balat. It is slowly turning into foam.

I'm sorry, sisters.

I'm sorry, Ragh.

I'm sorry for not being good enough to be loved by someone else.

"Sirena?"

May tumawag sa pangalan ko. Pamilyar na boses. Pamilyar na sakit. Nilingon ko ito at nakita si Ragh na nanglalaki ang mga mata. Tumayo ako sa dulo ng barko at ngumiti sa kan'ya.

"B-baka mahulog ka riyan," Ragh said. "Bumaba ka na."

Umiling ako. I took a deep breath before telling him what I always wanted to say.

"Mahal kita." I said without a voice, and a single tear fell. A hot lone tear fell on my cheek.

A tear.

My mouth slowly went agape as I felt the unfamiliar substance in my cheeks. Tubig mula sa aking mga mata.

Ah, I'm finally crying.

My throat constricted and my heart was being clenched. Despite the continuous affliction, I was able to cry. Sunod-sunod na gumulong ang mga luha mula sa aking mata.

"Salamat, Ragh." I mouthed despite crying. "Salamat dahil pinaranas mo sa akin ang pagmahal kahit ang bawat tapak ko rito ay parang naglalakad sa bubog. Salamat dahil nariyan ka para sa akin. Hindi ako nagsisisi na minahal kita. Kung papayagan akong ibalik ang oras, maaaring hindi ko na ibalik. Masaya na ako na masaya ka. Sana maging masaya ka palagi kasama ang prinsesa, sana mas dumami pa ang taon na magkasama kayo, sana huwag mo ako makalimutan. . ." I smiled with the feeling that this is the last time we'll be able to talk.

Hindi siya agad nakapagsalita. I know, he couldn't understand what I said. He looked at me, utterly confused with what I'm trying to say.

I regret being foolish but I never regret loving you. And if being foolish means loving you, my life was yours to begin with. This death of mine will symbolize the lengths of my love for you despite it being foolish in the eyes of most.

Hinayaan ko sunugin ako ng araw. My skin was slowly peeling off and it was turning into bubbles, when the pain was too much, I let myself drown in the depth of the sea, falling slowly to my own demise.

"Sirena!" Ragh called and he even ran towards me. "Sandali!"

He wasn't able to hold my hand as I slowly succumbed to the darkest place of the sea. My body gradually deformed into sea foam, ang aking paa ay unti-unting nawawala habang lumulutang naman ang mga bula mula sa akin. I closed my eyes and for the first time after all the pain, I felt peace.

Until a faint light welcome me. Nagulat ako dahil may mga babaeng puro puti ang damit at ang buhok ang nakatitig sa akin. Nakangiti sila sa akin at pilit nila akong pinapapikit.

"Magpahinga ka muna," aniya sa mababang tono. Parang kumakanta. Mala-anghel. Hinahaplos nito ang buhok ko kaya naman mahimbing na napapapikit ako.

"Napili ka namin. Isa ka na sa mga anak ng langit. Isa ka na sa mga maaaring magkaroon ng kaluluwa, Cerenia."

It was surprising that it exists. A soul can be given to someone who has done good deeds. A hundred years of good deeds can equate to owning a soul.

They call themselves the daughters of the air. Angel-like creatures who are candidates when it comes to owning a soul given to mortals.

"Kinuha ka namin dahil naniniwala kaming puro ang pagmamahal mo," untag sa akin ni Seraphina. She was the head of the daughters, the oldest and the wisest among them.

My breathing hitched. Sinubukan kong magsalita.

"Ano. . ." my eyes formed small droplets of tears upon hearing my voice once again. I gained it back. My voice. Tuluyan na akong humagulgol habang naririnig ang boses ko.

I was in the air. I never thought that the land and the sea would make me feel so much pain that the air would come for me. I was in the sky, watching over my sad sisters and Ragh trying to find my remains.

"Hindi ka nila p'wedeng makita," Seraphina said upon seeing me watching them from afar. "Hindi ka na tao, hindi ka na sirena. Kailangan mong maging ganap na isang anak ng langit upang magkaroon ng kaluluwa."

Seraphina told me that I had to do a hundred years of good deeds to attain a soul. Hindi ko alam kung bakit imbis maging masaya ako, nangungulila pa ako.

I watched Ragh formed his family as the years pass by, nagkaroon sila ng tatlong anak. Dalawang lalaki, isang babae at mukhang masaya naman siya sa piling ng prinsesa. The kingdom was flourishing and it was built with pride. 

Napapangiti ako tuwing nakikita ko siya. I tend to watch over his children because they liked the sea. Isang beses ay muntik na maagos ng tubig ang panganay ni Ragh.

"Huwag ka riyan!" I yelled but it was futile. Patuloy itong pumupunta kung saan ang mga alon.

Nilapitan ko ito at mahina ko itong tinulak patungo sa lupa upang maligtas. Hindi naman n'ya ako nakikita. I was a mere wind, I didn't have a physical form.

A hundred years was both torture and relief. It was relief because I saw how they grew old with happiness in their lives but also torture because I wasn' there. My sisters were able to grow their hair back, Azaria was proclaimed as the queen and she ousted her own husband.

"Cerenia. . ." Seraphina cooed. "Oras mo na. Tapos na ang ilang daang taon mo."

I nodded. I will forget everything. I will become a human with a soul.

Seraphina whispered a special language and my whole being levitated into the sky. I was slowly becoming consumed by the light. Napapikit ako, handa na ako'ng makalimot sa sakit at pangungulila. I was ready to move on, to forget and to live a new beginning.

Yet, for some reason. . .

I was able to remember it all. Everything was vivid and the pain never left. I woke up knowing that my life wasn't as happy as I thought it was, my life was not the simple and peaceful one that everyone is craving for.

I became a human with a soul who remembers my past life.

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