Chapter 27

If you could live once again, would you change your destiny? Syempre oo 'di ba? Pero napagtantuan ko na kaya siguro may mga tao na hindi na gustong bumalik sa nakaraan nila ay dahil natuto na sila. Ayaw na nilang balikan ang nanakit sa kanila para magbago sila.

I have changed.

Yet I also know that a part of me still clings on the idea that our pasts are intertwined with what we have now.

"Ragh. . ." I called him out in my small voice.

Napalingon naman siya agad sa akin. Even Amanda shifted her eyes towards me. Lumapit ako sa kanila kahit tumatalbog ang puso sa sobrang pangamba. What will I say? How should I react to seeing them together again?

This wasn't the first time.

Nandoon pa nga ako no'ng kinasal silang dalawa. I watched them exchange vows with the promise that they were going to love each other in their eternity.

I felt like an outsider.

An intruder.

Napapikit naman ako bago muling bumaling ng tingin kay Ragh at Amanda.

"Amanda," Ragh said. "This is my girlfriend. Si Cerenia nga pala."

"Oh," Amanda's mouth hangs open. "You're that girlfriend. Akala ko ay gawa-gawa lang ni Ragh dahil pinagseselos n'ya ako. I mean, akala ko ay nagtatampo siya." She even laughed.

Gawa-gawa? Hindi mapigilan ng aking noo ang kumunot. I wanted to refute but in the end, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Kung wala namang lalabas na maganda sa bibig ko, pipiliin ko na lang na hindi na lang magsalita. 

"You're Cerenia. . ." Amanda smiled at me. "I hope you don't mind. Alam ko naman na kayo ngayon pero. . ."

"Cerene, let's go. Lasing lang si Amanda. Tara na, bumalik na tayo sa hotel."

"Oh wow? Ngayon ay hino-hotel mo na rin siya? Isn't she just a casual hook up, Ragh?" iritadong tanong ni Amanda. Bakas sa kan'ya na hindi n'ya ako gusto.

Just like how the princess felt about me. My shoulders slumped and I hid away from her. Para akong makahiyang hinawakan dahil tumiklop ako. The princess has always been stern and uptight from my perspective. Bakit ba iniisip ko na baka iba siya sa nakaraan n'ya?

"Please," Ragh sighed. "Akala ko ba ay okay na tayo? I thought we should just stay as friends, Amanda? Bumalik ka rito para maging kaibigan ko na lang 'di ba? Labas na si Cerene rito. And she's not a hookup."

"You're being too sensitive, Ragh. Hayaan mo si Cerene na kumausap sa akin."

"Wala naman dapat tayong pagusapan," sabat ko at pilit na pinagapang ang tapang sa dibdib. "Kaibigan ka lang naman ni Ragh."

Amanda's lips parted. Kita ko sa kan'yang ekspresyon na hindi n'ya nagustuhan ang paraan kung paano ako sumagot nang pabalang sa kan'ya.

I looked over them. After they got married, they had children who resembled their visuals. Hindi ko alam kung paano ang naging daloy ng relasyon nila. Both of them were always alone and they didn't really become the legendary couple of their town, because I rarely see their kingdom celebrating anything related to them as lovebirds. Isang hari at isang reyna lang ang naging tingin sa kanila. I thought I had to die for their love, in the end, I died for them to fulfill their duties as the queen and the king of the kingdom.

"Tara na, Ragh. . ." I pulled him closer to me. "Umuwi na tayo."

I felt like a wind after that. Umakyat na kami patungo sa kwarto ni Ragh. I slowly descended on his bed as Ragh approached me with a water bottle on his hand. Para akong lumulutang dahil hindi pa rin ako makatanaw kung saan kami papunta. I should have known that one day my decision will haunt me like this. Edi sana. . . .

Napapikit na lang ako.

I love Ragh.

I love the idea of finally tying the loose strings between the both of us. I love the idea that even for a short period of time, destiny did give us a chance to be with each other.

Pero para ba talaga siya sa akin? Dahil kumakapit ako sa sinabi n'yang mahal n'ya ako.

"Lalayuan ko na si Amanda para sa 'yo, she shouldn't have said that."

Ragh sounded frustrated while pacing back and forth, nilagay n'ya 'yong tubig sa side table. Dinadalaw na ako ng antok pero hindi ko magawang ipikit ang mga mata ko. I'm afraid the moment that I succumbed to resting, baka hindi na sa akin si Ragh.

The last time that I took my eyes off him, he was immediately drawn to Amanda. Nagawa n'yang talikuran ang pangako n'yang ako ang mamahalin n'ya. I pressed my finger using my own nail, digging it in the process of trying to calm myself down.

"Ragh," I called him.

Lumingon naman siya sa akin.

"Pipiliin mo naman ako 'di ba?"

He answered without even blinking. "Yes, palagi."

I smiled at him and gave him a quick smack on his lips. He closed his eyes and smiled, savoring the touch of my lips on his.

That's all I need from him. Wala na akong pakialam kay Amanda dahil hindi naman na ito tulad noon. I was the one who save him before, ako dapat ang may inaangkin ngayon.

It just bothers me that she might be the other one who remembers. Pero bakit? Naguguluhan pa rin talaga ako kung bakit pareho kaming nakakaalala. Is this because of the spell that I obtained from the sea witch? Ang alam ko ay buhay ko ang nakataya noon, bayad na ako roon.

O bayad na nga ba?

Kinabukasan ay hindi ko pa rin nabawi ang tulog ko. Nagising ako na wala si Ragh sa tabi ko. I sighed and veered my sight in the huge windows to ease the pain inside my chest. A bitter morning greeted me because I know that just like before, his feelings could change.

Nagpalit ako ng damit sa kwarto ko. I wanted to check out already and probably just end things with Ragh. Ayoko ng ganito, palagi kong iniisip kung ako pa rin ba ang mahal n'ya. I don't want to be the same mermaid who died with a broken heart.

Maraming tao ngayon sa dalampasigan. Locals and foreign visitors were scattered as they watched the waves clash with the shore. Ako naman ay nanatiling nasa isang kubo habang pinapanood sila.

What will I say? Na ako na mismo ang sumusuko? Tanggap ko na masyado lang akong naging makasarili na ginusto kong baguhin ang tadhana naming dalawa?

My eyes watered as I looked towards the sea. I reminisced about the past and realized how dumb I am for loving someone who's far from my reach. Nandito naman na ako sa pangarap ko, bakit tumatanaw pa ako sa iba? I'm already a human. . . I already have a soul. . .why am I still hoping for Ragh to love and pick me this time?

I went towards the sea. I wanted to be with the waters. Nakita ko si Amanda na naka-swimsuit at nakatingin sa akin habang papalapit ako sa may tubig. I was letting the water kiss my feet, letting myself be consumed by the feeling of nothingness. Gusto ko lumutang dito at kalimutan na lang ang sakit ng nakaraan.

I wanted to move on.

Pero parang hindi ko pala kayang palayain si Ragh lalo na't nandito na siya sa tabi ko.

"Cerenia!"

That voice. A familiar masculine voice.

"Cerene! Malalim na r'yan!"

"Ano ang ginagawa no'n? Bakit siya naglalakad patungo sa malalim?!"

"Pigilan n'yo!"

"Ako na!"

"Amanda, huwag! Hindi ka marunong lumangoy!"

Hindi ko alam.

I just wanted to feel nothing.

I wanted to float. Pagod na ako magpaanod sa nakaraan. I want to stay still and be free from the pain they've caused me.

"Amanda! Amanda! Huwag ka r'yan! Hindi ka rin marunong lumangoy! Pareho kayong—tulong! Sinasabi ko na nga! Si Amanda, hindi na makaahon!"

"Si Cerene! Shit! Nawawala na si Cerene! Di ko na siya makita!"

The voices were slowly getting vague, I could only hear the bubbles entering my body. The light is turning dim, my sight is getting blurry already. Sa nanlalabong mga mata, habang unti-unti na akong nilalamon ng tubig, nakita ko si Ragh. Natauhan ako at agad na nilabanan ang mga alon na pilit akong dinadala patungo sa ilalim.

Sinilip ko si Ragh kahit kinakapos ako ng hininga. I wanted to see him. I want to—

Lumalangoy siya patungo sa direksyon kung nasaan ako. Pero tulad noon, hindi ako ang pinili n'yang iligtas. I saw him going to Amanda with a frightened expression.

I smiled as I let the water go through me. Hinayaan ko na lang na lumubog ako. Napapikit dahil sa nakita ko kung sino ang pinuntahan n'ya sa aming dalawa.

Amanda needed him more.

So he went to her.

And he let me die with a broken heart again.

𖠵 ｷ 𖠳