"What a beautiful wedding this is," Carmen Belles said as the main course was served. Chicken with herbed butter and caper, that was, and the smell of freshly chopped tarragon filled the silence.

Flora picked up the wedge of lemon on the side and squeezed, realizing that it was the first sentence of the evening that directly addressed the event. Carmen's comment hung in the air without anyone rushing to catch it.

"Are you being sarcastic?" Dylan said finally. He was mashing the potato on his plate with one hand, before feeding it to the toddler sitting on his lap. His name was Jerome, he was thirteen months old, and he had also been the main topic for the first half of the reception. Dylan had explained that one, he was dating Jerome's mom, two, the kid wasn't his, and three, he didn't care because he'd been with her through the pregnancy and had even been the one to cut the umbilical cord. He practically felt like a dad now.

He had offered to babysit, something he claimed to have done a dozen of times, since she had a job interview to fly to.

"I'm not being sarcastic," Carmen said, her eyes flicking over his face. "I'm really happy for Janet."

The wedding was beautiful, Flora had to admit. She was glad it took place right after she came back from her junior year in Tokyo. It was small and cozy, with flickering candles, stunning table decorations, exquisite flower arrangements everywhere to meet the eyes, and the food was glorious. There was even someone playing harp on stage. But it was beautiful and nothing else.

"The problem is it's not Janet," Sandra said, echoing her thoughts. "This is Janet's wedding, but there's no Janet in this."

"I thought her wedding was going to be a rock concert," Dylan said. "I mean, it's our J. She wore a pair of leather pants to prom, remember? But now look at her."

"My grandma has something just like that," Jake said.

Flora glanced over at two tables away, where Janet was sitting in a vintage lace dress, looking so out of place she might as well have been Photoshopped in. Flora had offered a shopping trip, a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, and an all-of-the-above combination as soon she got the wedding invitation, but Janet had declined, saying she wasn't interested in anything conventional. Flora half expected it. Janet probably found those things too girly anyway.

She could see now that Janet was unexcited about this wedding because this belonged to Brian's parents, not her. The room was full of friends from the groom's side, while Janet's high school bunch and people she knew from the music industry only made up two tables.

"Guys, give her a break," Flora said. "Her in-laws paid for everything, so she doesn't really have too much say in anything."

"Well, I think that's a lovely dress," Carmen said.

"That lace pattern reminds me of calcified seaweed." Sandra took a dainty sip from her champagne glass. "Poor girl looks like she's about to break out with hives."

Flora's eyes traveled to the last person at the table, Janet's man of honor, who had been mostly quiet ever since he made his toast. Sean seemed to turn more handsome every time she saw him. It was hard for her to decide whether he looked better in his beach attire or a slim fit suit, but either way, she couldn't take her eyes off of him.

He wasn't returning the glances, however. He was staring at his cell phone, which seemed to beep and vibrate every other second. He was never the kind of guy to obsess over missed texts, but this evening he barely joined in the conversation. His fingers flew over the screen until he stopped for a brief second to say, "It's just a wedding. It's just a dress. The point is J married who she's always wanted to marry and that should be enough."

Sandra tutted. "Sean, let's hope you never say that to your future wife."

He smiled, lifting his eyes but not his head, before returning to his phone. Plates were cleared and wine bottles were opened, and the reception went on, rolling smoothly into the third hour.

"Jake, how's Jessica?" Carmen asked, folding the napkin on her lap. "I thought you were bringing her."

"She's great. She's interning in her dad's hotel again this summer," Jake said. "And by the way, we broke up."

Flora already knew this, and she could see from Sean and Dylan's faces that they did too. Carmen and Sandra were stunned.

"I thought you guys got along great," Sandra said.

"That's true," Jake agreed. "I really like Jessica. We're still friends and everything...we just don't feel like fucking each other anymore."

Dylan let out an annoyed sigh. "Man, can you not use that word in front of my kid?"

"What word?" Jake's eyes widened. "Fuck? But fuck was your favorite word."

"It's a dirty word and I don't want Jerome's mind to be polluted with all the evils of this world."

Jake grinned. "Does that mean I can't say Trump?"

"Or Windows 10?" Sean put in, barely looking up from his phone.

Dylan sighed. "Just go easy on the cuss words."

"To be fair," Sean said, "he was using it as a verb, not as a cuss word."

"Alright, let me rephrase that," Jake said. "I think Jess is amazing, but not-so-little Jake was getting bored. He gave a shot at domestic life, but really he's meant to be a nomad. He hears the call of the wild and he decides he should roam free."

"I'm so impressed with how unapologetically disgusting you are," Sandra said.

"Queen, I wish it didn't have to be like this," Jake said, his expression turning serious. "Jess is the ideal girlfriend, right? She's so cool and so chill, and can you imagine how beautiful our kids would be if we had them? And I love her family. They gave me this personal name stamp for my birthday...it's, like, traditional Chinese culture to carve characters on a piece of stone or wood. They use it for government seals and signatures and stuff. Mine's made of some sort of jade. I almost cried when I got it. But I can't force it...I don't feel that way about her anymore. Feels like the free trial period is over."

"You're just being honest," Sean said. "You had three good years and you ended it before more damage is done. I thought you handled that pretty well. I probably would've dragged it on forever and Dill would've dragged it on too...until he cheated. No offense, Dill."

"Hey, I don't do that anymore, okay?" Dylan put an arm protectively around Jerome. "I grew up."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Jake," Carmen said. "It sounds like a peaceful breakup, but I bet it still feels awful."

"Yeah." Jake nodded. "I was sitting on the toilet the other day and I suddenly felt so alone. Jess was my go-to person for toilet text."

"That's tragic," Sandra said. "She must feel so honored to know that."

Dylan was shaking a bottle of formula milk, checking to see if the powder dissolved properly, when he gasped. "Is that why we get an influx of messages to our group chat at nine every morning?"

Jake grinned. "Someone has to keep the conversation going...speaking of which, Sean, did you turn off your notification or something? You just disappeared on us."

"I read all your stupid messages, Jake. I've just been too busy to reply."

"That's cold, bro. Did you even click on the videos I sent you?"

Sean hesitated for a second. "Um, some of them."

Jake shook his head, smiling and sighing at the same time. "You can't even do one simple click, but you have time for Tokyo."

Dylan snickered. "We all know Sean's a horny little shi—" He stopped himself, realizing in time that he was on the verge of polluting his kid.

"Tokyo was back when I was doing freelance web design," Sean said calmly, not missing a beat. He swiped the screen just as the phone started ringing again. "That was before I started this new project, which seems fun at first but really is a nightmare in disguise...Hey, what's up?" he spoke into the phone, standing up from his seat and walking away, tossing an apologetic smile over his shoulder.

Flora knew Sean was designing a software platform with Fred, something to do with real estate and WordPress plugins. Since Fred's parents owned a real estate development company, they knew the business, and they also had the money. Sean told her he felt more like an employee rather than a co-founder. Entrepreneurship didn't grant him as much freedom as people might think.

He said if he had wanted a steady job, he should've gone ahead and aimed for engineering. Now that he chose this path, he was haunted by a morbid fear of failure. He was scared of taking time off and cautious with spending funds, and when he wasn't stressing over the financial state of the company, he pushed himself to sheer exhaustion.

He still found time to talk to her, however. They made occasional video chats in the months following his visit to Japan, the 13-hour time difference disintegrating in his mornings and her nights, thanks to technology. He mostly just wanted to rant about his business, and Flora would tell him about her adventures in the city.

She didn't date anymore, and she liked it that way. She treasured this space and liberty, a chance to focus on herself, especially when she knew this was a transient phase. She would eventually be back to her familiar surroundings, and just like a river eventually joining the sea, she never ruled out the possibility that she would find her way back to Sean.

Only this time, there would be no more crazy desperation, scary obsession, that I-would-die-without-you-ness, and instead she had the confidence of knowing that she was fine on her own, but being with him would make it even better.

The distance was a blessing to clarify a lot of things. She was glad she didn't rush back with him, and she felt extremely grateful toward Sean for his consideration and patience, his understanding and self-restraint. They didn't lay everything out in the open, but Flora felt certain that they were on the same page.

Sean came back and sat down. Just as she expected, he said, "So that was Fred, my business partner/boss. Great guy to have as a friend, but ever since we started working on this together, he's been riding my ass"—he flashed a quick glance at Jerome, who was sucking on the milk bottle—"sorry. I mean, he's not easy to work for. I prefer how it is with you guys...less complicated."

"Yeah," Jake said, his good-natured grin never leaving his face. "We have a beautiful, shallow friendship where we just get drunk together. Speaking of which, are we traveling somewhere this year?"

"Sure. I want to make it an annual thing," Sean said, "but I really don't have much time this year. Maybe just a weekend trip?"

"I can't leave my kid for too long, either," Dylan said. "He needs me to tuck him in bed or he just keeps fussing."

Carmen gazed at him from across the table, her eyes wide with amusement. "Dylan, can you stop being so cute?"

"I'm working on that, Carmen." His tone was arrogant, but the grin on his face betrayed him.

"I never pegged you as someone who likes children, though," Flora said. Dylan seemed very sure of what he was doing, which came as a shock. She thought he would keep switching girlfriends for at least a few more years, and switching up their cup sizes as he did so, too.

"I'm surprised myself, too, but then I realized," Dylan said, reaching out to cover both of Jerome's ears, "Children are a little bit like penises. I have no interest in even taking a glance when they belong to other people, but I can play with mine all day."

Sandra practically choked on her drink. She sputtered. "I can't believe I'm listening to this."

"That's an apt comparison." Jake nodded enthusiastically. "Especially since your kid is so little and soft."

"He's adorable," Sean agreed. "When I look at him I just want to say awwww."

"Kids can grow up so fast, though, like in the blink of an eye," Dylan said.

Jake laughed. They grinned at each other and decided a high five was warranted. "Hey, but seriously, Dill..." Jake said, his smile slowly disappearing. "...Do you think it's a good idea to be so close with your girlfriend's child? I mean, it's great that you love him like your own, but if things ever change between you and his mom, what's going to happen?"

Dylan looked down and shifted Jerome's position on his lap. Flora could see that even though he knew the basics to the new dad's survival guide: how to feed, calm, and play with a toddler, this was one thing he hadn't figured out. "I don't want to think about it," he said finally.

"It was hard enough for me to break up with Jessica's dad," Jake said. "I worry about you, man. I know you. You can't unlove a child. That's why it sucks to be friends with your ex's family."

Dylan turned to Sean. "You and Flora seem to handle that fine," he said suddenly. "Don't you hang out with her brother sometimes? She takes Linda out, too. How do you do it?"

Flora looked at Sean, who met her eyes easily and gave her a smile. "I think Jeremy and I just use each other to get into parties," he said. "And besides, it's different with Flora. We've become really good friends. We're just, like, friends who used to date so it surpasses that awkward ex situation."

If Flora could define her relationship with Sean, friends who used to date would be nowhere near the first answer she put down. Sean said it in such a candid manner with no trace of malevolence, as if he had gotten completely comfortable with the idea of being platonic.

She swallowed. "You can still work out something if you love and care for the other person. I think it's good for Jerome to have a father figure, Dill. I hope it goes well for you."

The dinner went on. Sean started drinking with Dylan and Jake, downing one glass after another. They laughed and for a brief while, he seemed carefree, like they were just three musketeers trying to get wasted. At one point, he switched his phone to airplane mode.

She wanted to search for Sean's eyes and read something out of them. Surely he didn't believe the ridiculous definition he gave. She decided to set him straight the moment she got some privacy with him.

∞

Guests started to mingle and dance. Sean and Janet were standing in a corner, at first dancing, and then they broke apart and started talking. Even though their voices were mostly blurred by the music, Flora managed to catch snippets of the conversation.

"...I'm just really curious," Sean was saying, "...they don't teach contraception in med school?"

Janet wasn't smiling. She dropped her arms and they hung at her sides. "...dating for almost six years...figured we'd get married and have the baby...part of the plan..." Flora could make out her explaining that even though it came as a surprise, they weren't bothered by it. It was just speeding up their schedule.

"...just going to sit home and do nothing?" Sean said.

"...throw up five times a day..." They started moving closer to the door. "I can't record like this."

Sean pulled Janet out of the side door. Flora followed a few steps behind, listening while keeping up with the dance at the same time.

"What about after the baby is born?"

"I'll stay home and take care of her."

"For how long?"

"For as long as it takes."

Sean shook his head. "You were doing so well...you were selling albums and meeting fans...I just can't watch you throw that away. Just so you can be a mom."

"You say it like it's something to be ashamed of." Janet looked visibly upset. Her voice had started to quiver a little.

"Brian has his life out there at med school, but you have nothing. You can't even support yourself."

"I think you have a very limited idea of what success is," Janet said. "Not everyone has to start companies or save lives. I can support my family in ways that can't be determined by money."

"Like washing diapers."

"I made this choice willingly." Janet gritted her teeth. "I want to be a wife and a mom.  I have to let go of some things, sure, but it'll be worth it. Besides, I'm going to use disposable diapers."

Sean looked up at the ceiling and half sneered. "I can't believe we're having an argument about diapers. What about gender equality and women's empowerment, things that you used to care about?"

"Women's empowerment means having the freedom to choose what I want to do, without having self-righteous people like you judging me." Janet took a few steps away, and when she walked back, she sounded tired. "I haven't seen you for so long, Sean, and I thought this would be fun. I don't care about things like my wedding dress and the flavor of the cake. I'm cool with my in-laws deciding everything, but the one thing I asked is for you and Dill to stand next to me at the altar because you're my oldest friends."

Sean said nothing.

"I just want you to be happy for me," Janet said. "That's all. I didn't ask you to help me with anything."

"Well." Sean paused, like he was thinking of a good comeback. "I don't have time to help you with anything. And Dill thinks your dress is ugly."

Janet narrowed her eyes. She studied Sean's face for a while. "Sean Foster...what's going on here?"

Sean turned his face and looked Flora, who was standing near the door. He raised his eyebrows. Flora nodded at him and smiled.

The harp stopped and the room inside grew silent, before the unmistakable sound of an electric guitar sliced through the air. The intro of Janet's song, Index Finger, started to play.

Janet gasped. "Are you pranking me?"

Sean shrugged and smiled. "Isn't this the song that brought you and Brian together?"

"He came up to me and told me this one was his favorite...it's my favorite too."

"Yup. J, Are you ready for your mini concert?"

Flora pulled the door wider and beckoned for them to come back inside. On stage, musical instruments like the cello and the harp were moved to one side, giving way to a drum set and a keyboard, and Janet's old band, fishnets, was ready to go. 

Dylan took the center stage. He had changed out of his suit and was now in a leather jacket and a Cheap Monday tee, paired with black skinny jeans. He even had eyeliners drawn.

Janet let out a surprised chuckle. "What the heck!"

"J, this is for you," Dylan said on stage, pointing at Janet briefly before he smiled. "We grew up together, you taught me how to play guitar, and over the years you've always been an inspiration. You do legendary things that the rest of us can only dream of. Start a rock band, sell an album, meet the love of your life at 16, marry your soul mate...you make it all seem so easy. You're never confused about what you want and what makes you happy, and you go for it without hesitation. I'm so happy to be here for you and Brian, as your love is obvious to anyone. I wish you both the best, and you make me believe in a happily ever after when I look at you."

When he started to strum the guitar, Janet's tears fell. 

"I didn't mean anything I just said," Sean whispered quickly. "It's all for show."

Janet jabbed him in the chest with her elbow. "I don't know if I want to hit you or hug you."

Sean smiled. "I think you want to hug me."

They hugged, and Flora was teary just watching it.

"Of course I'm happy for you," Sean said as they broke apart. "As you know, I love you like a brother. I'll support you whether you want to be a stay-at-home mom or a rock star. I know you said you didn't care about wedding details, but we couldn't resist. We thought we should try making this a little more personal for you. At first Dill wanted to hijack the stage in the middle of dinner."

"Thank God you didn't." Janet sniffled. "I don't want to upset Brian's parents."

"I know. You're going to be family and it's not worth it for a few minutes of rebellion. I checked with them already. They said it's okay if we do this at the end," Sean said. He glanced at Flora. "Flora wanted to give you a surprise and I got the part as the asshole."

"I knew you had something to do with this," Janet said. Flora put her arms around her, and Janet whispered a choked thank you.

"I love you, Jan," Flora said. "We're all so happy to be here."

When Dylan got to the end of the song, he changed the lyrics from index finger to ring finger. His husky voice was drowned out by an uproar of applause. Carmen stood off stage to the right, holding baby Jerome, her face full of radiance.  Sean nudged Janet's side and encouraged her to get up there.

Flora watched Janet shine there. Her lace dress was a stark contrast to her rock band of black leather and smoky eyes, and because of that, she stood out even more, in an aesthetically pleasing way. Her happiness was apparent as it was infectious. 

Sean seemed to be in a great mood. He went back to the table and started drinking with Jake. A few more songs later, he stopped before Flora.

"Hey, let's dance," he said. He was grinning, and he grabbed her hands before she answered.

Flora smiled at him and nodded. Sean immediately responded by pulling her arms all the way around his waist, so that she was hugging him close. He felt so nice, slim and fit and undeniably charming.

"Was I good back there?" He lowered his head and his lips tilted up. "I'm a good actor, right?"

Flora chuckled. "You can totally act like an asshole when you want to."

He sighed happily. "Hey, thanks for helping out. You should consider throwing parties for a living. You're great." He pulled back a little to grin at her. Flora could see his pupils were dilated.

He was really drunk.

"I'm so happy to see you, Flora," he said. "By the way, you look ravishing in this bluish purple color."

"I'd say this is toward the lavender side of periwinkle. And it's Elie Saab so it's supposed to look good."

He laughed. "I have no idea what that means. Can't you just say thank you like a normal person?"

She liked how he was almost giddy. Alcohol had loosened him up considerably, and he even executed a playful dip without dropping her on her head. She fell back into his arms and they both giggled like teenagers.

"I had no idea you could do that," Flora said.

"Me either. That was my first try."

"Sean!"

He smiled. His eyes were gleaming and clear, like cool water. "Hey, are you seeing anyone now?"

"No, not for months," she said. "Are you?"

He threw back his head and laughed. "Not since we broke up. I win. I'm so single, so, so—"

Flora placed her palms on either side on his face and pulled him down. Before she allowed herself time to think, she stopped his blabbering lips with her own.

Sean stiffened, as if on reflex, but it only lasted for a split second. He swallowed a half-lived gasp and kissed her back. Slow at first, ferocious right after that.

They weren't just friends who dated before.

She set him straight, all right.

∞

"I don't know what to say." Sandra's voice came through the phone. It was a week after the wedding. "You're either really horny or really stupid. I mean the both of you."

Flora sighed. "But—"

"The first rule of a casual hookup is to never do it with an ex, especially one you still have feelings for."

Well, that was the thing. It didn't feel like a hookup.

They had stumbled back into Sean's hotel room, still laughing over absolutely nothing. Flora pushed him against the wall as soon as they shut the door behind them. She didn't mean to shove him as hard as she did, and Sean let out a surprised chuckle.

"Ms. Morgan. Can you be a little gentler with me?" he said, smiling, his eyes wide with sparks. He picked up her face and placed his mouth tenderly against hers.

She was tipsy, she realized, although she was probably more sober than he was. Sean was of drunken kisses and boyish smiles. As she breathed him in, her body buzzed with alcohol and she was worked up into an aroused frenzy.

He was sexy and warm and firm and tasty and all of the good stuff thrown together. His kisses were like cotton candy and mint and starlight and the first ray of sunshine, like spring and summer rolled into one. There was that sweet innocence and also the burning passion.

He kissed her like he missed her. He kissed her like he was making up for all the lost years. He was smiling with his eyes closed, his forehead against hers, holding her body close with his hands on the small of her back.

"I feel so good when I'm with you," he whispered.

Just hearing that, him breathing in her ear, send shivers down her spine. She angled herself so there could be as much body contact as humanly possible.

They stood by the door like that for a while, consumed in each other. Sean broke away first, only to leaned in to place a soft peck on her lips. "Do you want to move to the bed?"

He removed his suit jacket and draped it over the back of a chair, loosened his tie, and then he picked up her hand. She let him lead her onto the mattress. He lay down first, and she placed herself on top of him, her legs on either side of him like she was straddling him. Her lace skirt fell like a lavender mist around his body.

She could feel him underneath her, aroused and ready, but Sean didn't make any move to take care of that. He resumed to kissing her, like kissing was a destination instead of a short stop before he got to somewhere more interesting. He concentrated on her lips, letting one kiss chase into another seamlessly, only breaking apart to catch his breath and smile. He looked adorably dizzy.

Flora writhed on top of him out of instinct. Her hands moved to his chest, rubbing down the length of his lean upper body, liking how firm the muscles were beneath her palms. Lust was registering in her entire being, like water condensing before it fell like rain. Kissing, touching, caressing, and more kissing. There was too much choice, too many things to do to each other; it was hard to decide where to start first.

"Sean, you're so freaking sexy," she managed to get out between kisses. 

He propped himself up on his elbows, holding himself in a semi upright position while he still lay beneath her. "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen. You're sexy and beautiful and...I don't know how to handle myself around you."

"I want you so bad." She breathed in the scent of him, feeling ridiculously relieved that he smelled amazing, like he always did, of soap and clean laundry. "Let's fuck like we hate each other."

He paused for a second, and then he tipped back his head and laughed. There was no mockery in that laugh, just delight.

She laughed too. "I don't know where that came from."

"You're so cute," he said.

For a while they just held each and laughed, their bodies shaking. Sean pushed his palms slowly down her back, pulling up her skirt, and then he found the back of her thighs. His hands stayed there for a while, smoothing over the flesh there, teasing her. 

Flora grinded her body against him. It was partly for release and partly to aggravate him. He made a soft groan and it set her nerves ablaze.

"I like hearing that," she said.

His mouth curled into a naughty grin. "I can make more noises if that turns you on."

"It does. But you have to moan like you mean it."

He laughed again. There was never so much talking and laughing during sex for them, and to her surprise, she loved it. They were both relaxed, like having a fun time with someone they were immensely attracted to, without worrying about trying to impress.

She unbuttoned his shirt just as his fingers slid into her underwear, making her gasp. She lowered her head and kissed his torso. Sean's breaths shuddered and then picked up, leaving warmth on her shoulder blades.

Tides were pulling at her from all sides. There was the intense feeling of how he made her feel, and then there was an even more intoxicating one, the realization that she had such power over him. She was invincible and weak in the knees at the same time.

"It's incredible to touch your body like this," she said breathlessly.

"I love it when you touch me." He sighed. Gently, he rearranged his position, flipping them both around, so that she was trapped between his forearms. He dipped his head down and kissed her.

There was practically no space between their heated bodies. He leaned his forehead against hers, and his teeth pulled deftly at her bottom lip. They were so familiar with each other, it took no effort to find a good rhythm.

She savored how his weight made her feel protected. "You feel so good on top of me."

"You know what?" His eyes were half closed, giving her the freedom to check out his lashes and the slope of his nose. "I dreamed about this."

"Really?"

"Yeah...but you weren't talking so much in my dream...you were using your mouth for other things."

She chuckled. "Shut up, Sean."

"Yeah, that's enough sex talk." He smiled and his beautiful eyes crinkled up at the corner. "Just be quiet and let me do my thing."

She could smell her own perfume on him. They had known each other for so long and had been intimate for many times before, but they had also been separated by time and space, only sharing hugs in between. When the last piece of clothing was removed and there was finally nothing keeping them apart, it was intense with searing passion, like finding a soul mate, but at the same time it was tender and sweet, like reuniting with a friend. They knew what felt good. It was physically overwhelming and emotionally rewarding.

It was more joy than pleasure, more bliss than ecstasy.

Flora was certain that Sean had casual sex in college, but she couldn't imagine him acting this way with any other woman:

Would he let those sensual grunts fall off his lips, scattered through the night, shining and disappearing like dew?

Would he purr softly into her hair, out of breath, repeatedly calling her name and muttering that he was so close?

Would his body shiver and then convulse as he buried his face in the nook of her shoulder, his hands digging into her sides?

And at that moment, would he let her see the look on his face as he went over the edge, so exposed and almost vulnerable?

It didn't feel like a hookup, not even for one minute.

She told Sandra this on the phone now. That it was meaningful. It was making love.

"Well," Sandra said. "Was he as good as you remembered? How was the ride?"

"Sandy, you make him sound like Splash Mountain at Disney World." Flora tilted her head. "Which is quite accurate, actually. I mean, I did get very wet."

"I bet there's a bit of screaming involved, too."

Flora laughed, but she felt sad. Reality wasn't like a trip to Disney World, where only fond memories were allowed.

Reality was when the ride was over, instead of asking, "Want to do that again?", Sean was eerily silent. Flora turned to look at him and he smiled, but she knew him too well to miss the look in his eyes.

It was like this one time when she bought a red and gold Versace gown that she thought made her look like a Roman empress, but the next morning she saw it again, and it only reminded her of a gold fish with a questionable rash.

It was the acid feeling of remorse, the "what was I thinking", that always haunted people after impulsive shopping and careless sex.

She didn't even have to ask. Sean regretted this. His body tightened, and his eyes were wide and dazed. When she got up to go to the toilet, he rolled over to switch on his phone.

Almost immediately, a string of beeps and email alerts flooded in. She could hear him heaving a sigh through the bathroom door. She came back and lay down next to him. Tentatively, she placed her head on his shoulder.

Sean ran his palm up her bare arm.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"Yeah. Just some business related stuff. It never ends." He frowned. "Linda texted me to say my granddad's going to stay one more day in the ICU. He was supposed to be transferred out yesterday."

"Is he okay?"

"He's going to be. Cardiac arrhythmia. Second time this month." He rubbed his hand over his temple. "I'm getting a headache."

"Let's just go to bed, how about that?"

He nodded. He smiled at her, seeming grateful for her consideration.

"So it was just sex to him?" Sandra asked on the phone.

Flora forced herself to brighten. "No, it wasn't just sex. It was mind-blowing, amazing, one-time sex."

"Oh, honey."

"It's okay, Sandy. You know how it is...he has school, work issues, family issues...he told me his parents are fighting about God knows what and his grandpa is sick again. He got drunk at his best friend's wedding and seeing her so happily married...that has its effect on all of us. It's infectious, you know. I kissed him and he just went along with it. It's all cool."

Except it wasn't, and Flora knew the aftermath would be hard to get over.

They had each other in their hearts, and while that stayed true, it was hard to keep up the same level of affection since they weren't together. Her love for him wasn't a steady straight line but a fluctuating curve. The urgency of her love was fluid.

Sometime he was all she thought of, but sometimes she pushed it aside to make way for more pressing matters. She believed he felt the same, too. She was like a precious file he stored away in a special folder, tucked in his memory bank, but she couldn't always be on the desktop.

They were designed that way as a coping strategy, because just like a sprint couldn't last long, pining fervently for the other person would only end up in burnout. There had to be high and low points, but when they couldn't match their high points together, they ended up missing each other.

A relationship was clearly not at the top of Sean's list right now. It wasn't just sex, but it couldn't be anything more, either.

That night, long after he stopped stirring, Flora stayed open-eyed with her mind reeling. Sean was silent beside her. He was lying on his stomach, covered from the waist down, but she knew he was completely naked.

If only she could lie next to him forever. Careful not to wake him, she reached forward to lift the comforter, pulling it upward to cover his exposed back.

She stared at him and tried to fight back the heat behind her eyelids.

His eyebrows were arched gracefully at the perfect angle, but even in his sleep, he looked tensed. Flora ran her hand up the back of his neck and let her fingers comb through his hair.

He rolled over. Flora snatched her hand back.

Sean's eyes were still closed. He lifted one arm and patted the space beside him. When his fingers brushed against her, he moved closer to bring her into his arms.

"Sean, I love you," Flora whispered, like speaking to herself.

His embrace tightened. When he spoke, his voice was raspy, thick with sleep and barely comprehensible.

"Love you too, baby."

She closed her eyes and smiled with unshed tears.

Maybe he was in the realm of his subconscious and he wouldn't remember a thing, but at least in that moment, she knew he meant it.

That was why even though it hurt afterwards, when he acted like nothing happened the next morning, as if it was completely normal to wake up in bed with her—she didn't regret it.

She would do it all over again if she could.

  ∞  

hi guys, hope you liked this update! i hope no one is offended by the sex scene as i tried hard to make it enjoyable, with more descriptions than "my king is a physics genius and he knows essential things like friction and angles", but not so explicit that it would damage you for life. and by the way, YES THEY USED PROTECTION THIS TIME TOO. i wanted to try a different angle (no pun intended), so instead of a run down on what piece of clothing is removed and what goes in where, i put more emphasis on the emotional aspect. let me know if i did okay.

also, hope you understand why they couldn't just get married right now. because it'd end the story, duh--no, just kidding. as readers we see how they're meant to be together, but if you have been in a similar position, you might get it. i can blame it on the timing, but sometimes it's just that with so many distractions and the distance and a stretched period of time and everything, you think you love that person but maybe you're just not THAT into them at that particular moment. i'm not explaining this very well, but i'd be happy to hear your thoughts.

lastly, sorry about sinking the J&J ship. i can't have everyone ending up with someone they met as a teenager. there's a whole life ahead, after all. thanks for reading, i love you all very much xx

dedicated to @trop1cally for the gorgeous cover. thanks sweetheart! :))