MATEO HAD BECOME ACCUSTOMED to grief so much it had settled in his lungs, heavily pressing down on him every time he breathed. He didn't allow himself to focus on that though, eyes instead trained on the crowd in front of him as he tried to find one of his best friends - someone who he knew this death had had a greater effect on than even him. Gabriela had asked if he wanted her to come along in his search, but he needed to do this alone and so he did, in the streets and corners he had gotten so used to taste blood between his teeth.

"Martinez, what are you doing here? Looking for another fight?"

He glanced back, the pale light of the street lanterns offering him enough to see the group of guys standing in the corner. With the sky as black as ink and no sound audible above the rustling of the wind, there was no one here on these streets save the sad and the lonely. Mateo knew that, knew that the way the shadows clung to them like bruises was only all too reminiscent of how he had been just a few days ago.

So he shook his head, a certain emptiness gathering in him which he couldn't shake. "No," he said," I'm looking for someone." He held up his phone, a picture of him and Jay grinning beside the principal lighting up the screen. "Have you by any chance seen the guy on the right?"

"Why are you shaking?" one of the guys frowned, a hint of concern in his eyes. When Mateo didn't reply he simply cleared his throat, not prying any further. "You and I both have been roaming these streets for quite some time, Martinez, but this is the first time I've seen you with eyes this clear. I hope you find what you're looking for."

"I hope so too," Mateo murmured.

"I can help with that."

Mateo practically whirled around at the sound, eyes widening once they settled on the girl standing in the  alley. Alina hadn't changed a thing, leaning against the wall with her bloodshot eyes and skintight outfit, though almost every inch of her was covered. Purple brushed the side of her jaw, but the bruises Mateo knew were there were hidden underneath her clothing. One of the guys whistled at her, but another quickly elbowed him in the stomach, his voice a cautionary whisper.

"That's Vince's girl."

"Vince?" he replied, eyes widening as he immediately snapped his gaze towards Alina," oh shit."

"Seriously?" another mused, placing a hand above his eyes and peering at Alina," I heard she looked crazy, but I suppose the rumors aren't true."

Mateo already grabbed Alina by her waist before she could jump, holding her back just in time. It was easy to see for him that she wasn't hurt or provoked, but just looking for a reaction, whichever way she could get one. Her smile looked as hollow as ever as she flashed it at the guys, blowing a kiss from over Mateo's shoulder.

"I have a knife in my backpocket if you want to see just how crazy I can be," she shouted.

"Never mind," one of them immediately murmured.

"So his name is Vince?" Mateo said, all focus back on the name he had heard.

Alina's expression immediately changed, the artificial amusement turning into a wary sharpness, one that cut into him like salt in his wounds. He had been so lost in himself that he hadn't looked for her as hard as he should have and the guilt was digging the glass deeper in his lungs, until he couldn't breathe anymore. Even after everything he was so useless, so unable to save anyone. For a moment he was a child again, sitting at his father's grave and counting the rocks in front of it like stars, his tears glittering on them like meteors.

"Mateo?"

He snapped out of it, eyes flicking to Alina, who had let her emotions fade into something more like concern. She blinked and the spark of it disappeared, like she didn't allow herself to feel anything. Somehow that hurt even more.

"Look," she said, an empty smile tugging at her lips," I'm not in the mood for an interrogation. I'm only here because you are one of the few people in this world who aren't shitty, Mateo, and I know you care for your friend."

"Jay?" Mateo said, eyes widening immediately," did you find him?"

"More like he found me," Alina chuckled," he caused some trouble with Vin -" She stopped talking for a moment, swallowing before she went on. "Anyway, he got into a fight and lost. I recognized him as your friend, so I made sure he wasn't killed."

"Where is he?" Mateo asked.

"Just a few streets away," Alina said," I was about to call you, but then I heard your voice." She laughed, shaking her head. "You are way too loud, you know. Levi always said so too. He could hear you from miles away."

Mateo's gaze softened at the mention of Alina's late brother and his friend. "My mother calls it my Mexican temperament. My father just calls me a human megaphone."

Alina grinned, hooking her arm through his and tugging at him to skip along. "Let's go then, human megaphone, it's time for an adventure."

A smile almost tugged at his lips, the closest he had come to laughing in a long time. The thought of happiness burned like acid in his throat, but Gabriela's voice drifted along his mind again, a charm to keep him calm. First he would fix this and then he'd focus back on her again, be a better boyfriend than the shitty one he had been until now. Alina glanced at him, expression almost understanding, had her pupils not been so dilated.

"You and Gabriela are the same," she laughed," I understand why you're a perfect fit."

"What are you talking about?" Mateo blinked," we couldn't be more different."

"Perhaps," she said, eyes focussed on the stars above," but you both want to carry the world on your shoulders, even if you feel your bones crack under the weight. It's a certain selflessness which makes you feel like you have to save everyone, Mateo, and it will be the end of you."

He didn't reply, her words lost in the night as she began to hum a childhood song he couldn't place, though the nostalgia still was there. The silence between them was something he was glad for, because she had been right and that fact alone made his ribcage sink in already. Thankfully he didn't have long to think about it, because a moment after they rounded a corner of an alley and Alina stopped, pointing at the shadows in a corner.

The lack of light here made it hard for Mateo to be able to see anything, but he could tell it was Jay almost immediately. He was sitting on the floor, back leaning against the wall behind him and face covered in his hands. Mateo wanted to say his name, but he didn't know what to call him anymore. Somehow both hurt, like he would step on a landmine the moment he said the syllables. So instead he crouched down in front of his friend, voice quiet.

"How are you?"

It felt like a stupid question, but he wanted to ask it nonetheless. He wasn't sure what kind of state he would find Jay in, but knew it most likely was worse than the one he had been in. When Jay looked up he braced himself for the worst, before blinking in surprise once he made eye contact. His eyes were lit with a fire so bright it seemed enough to burn the whole place down, though he unclenched his bloodied fists once he saw Mateo.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Searching for you," Mateo said.

"Shit, that's right," Jay murmered, rubbing his hands over his face," I'm sorry, I completely went off the map. I just had to be alone, to think up a plan, to I don't know, screw that fucker over -" He breathed out. "I suppose that was just wishful thinking."

Mateo stared at him, unsure of the state his friend was in. As if he could see his thoughts Jay shook his head, something softening in his expression. When he started speaking again it sounded more to himself than anyone else, eyes focussed on the wall behind Mateo.

"I am so done with it all," he said," with the grief, the pain, the guilt. I've felt it my whole life, went through all the stages. At one point I decided to completely shut it out." His hand absent-mindedly went over his tattoos, uncovered by his short sleeves despite the cold. He continued then, eyes clearing up. "I am done with using my anger to cloak myself with, to hide away from it all. That man has taken so much, but I will allow him to take anymore, to even own my emotions. I made that promise to myself, to make my mind mine again and more importantly, to make him pay."

It felt like he had been slapped across the face. The words Jay had spoken were different from what he had expected to hear, from the grief Mateo had let choked on. He had let himself go for too long, but the fire in Jay's eyes made something flicker in his own as well, in a way they hadn't in a very long time. Jay seemed to notice, a half-smile tugging at his lips.

"I almost didn't recognize you at first," he said," but there you are again."

"Here I am again," Mateo echoed.

"There you both are!"

Their gazes snapped at the beginning of the alley at once, the moonlight spilling on the girls standing there. Sahar had spoken, but it was Gabriela he focussed on, her eyes inspecting him immediately, like she was searching for signs he was going on a self-destructive spiral again. Only when she deemed him safe did she speak, voice like honey tea on a snow-covered day.

"It's cold outside," she said," let's go home, we can talk there."

Mateo got to his feet, holding out a hand towards his friend. There was a fragile semblance of normality back in the air, so easily shattered he didn't dare hold on to it. Still, he spoke, words leaving him so difficultly and yet so easily at once.

"Are you coming, Bas?"

His friend blinked in surprise, but when he took his hand his smile was almost blinding.

"Yeah," Bas said," I am."