MATEO CAME OVER A lot, but never before had he felt so awkward. It was like one wrong move could cause the strained friendship they had now to fall apart, the band-aid they had stuck on it not enough to hide the shambles it was in. Jay and Sahar seemed unaware of their discomfort though, or perhaps they were too busy with whatever was going on between themselves.

Only after ten minutes of silence did Sahar speak, slamming her hand down on her homework.

"Okay," she said," I can't take this. Jay, let's talk."

Jay's eyes were wide, but after a second he carefully nodded.

"I'm not angry at you," she said," I just hate the fact you acted like I wasn't talking at all and didn't even bother listening to me." She shook her head. "I talked about it with my sisters and they told me I shouldn't have run away, but I think you shouldn't have randomly started a fight with people we're becoming friends with."

At the end of her rant she breathed out, looking a bit relieved even.

"Okay, that's all I wanted to say," she said, waving a hand at him," now it's your turn."

He looked surprised, like he had a hard time processing her words, but when she frowned he spoke up.

"Sorry," he murmured," this... it's just the first time someone really communicated with me like this." He placed an awkward hand on his neck. "I don't know, I had just expected you to hate me."

"Hate you?" she said, surprised," why? Fights are supposed to get resolved. We are friends, after all."

When Jay looked her in her eyes, for a moment it almost looked like he would cry. After he blinked that was gone though, his face unreadable this time.

"I apologize," he said," I should have listened. I'm just used to fighting so much I wouldn't know how to react otherwise."

"I'm there for you," she said," I'm prone to act before I think as well, so we can both help each other."

"Yeah," he said," but your impulsive actions make you go to rallies and organize protests. Mine make me end up in a gang fight at three AM."

"That's the best time for a gang fight," Mateo noted.

"It is," Jay nodded at him.

Sahar just raised her eyebrows at the two of them and Jay looked away sheepishly. She grabbed his hand then and he froze, gaze snapping towards her.

"I just don't like to see you get hurt," she said, voice softer.

A blush came over him, causing him to quickly look away to hide it. He was too red for that to have any effect though and Sahar smiled, her hand still interlaced with his.

The rest of the study session actually went well then, Jay and Sahar both more at ease than Mateo had ever seen them before. He was seeing a whole new side of Jay these days anyway, their conversation at the bar having broken many of the walls that had been between them. Though he didn't know the dude for that long, somehow they both already knew way more about each other than other people in the world did about them. Hell, he had never spoken a word about his father to Chase and he had known him for five years now.

His gaze was drawn to Gabriela again, who was helping Sahar with some math problems. If Jay and Sahar could solve their problem so easily merely by communicating, shouldn't that work the same for him and Gabriela as well? It was at least worth a try.

He hated this newfound tension between them.

Jay and Sahar left two hours later and it was only when they both returned to her room that he realized they hadn't spoken a single word to each other during this whole study session. She started closing the textbooks on her desk and piling them up, not paying him any mind as he leaned against her closed door. They were together and yet he was so alone.

"Gabriela," he said," we should talk."

She froze in the middle of putting another book away, her back still towards him. He was almost about to plead when she turned around, putting the books down and looking at him with those clear eyes of hers.

"We should," she said.

He wanted to think of all the right things to say, but instead all that came to mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, all leaving his lips at the same time, like there wasn't enough time anymore for him to say them.

"I can't do this," he said," I can't just stand here and pretend everything's fine between us, because it isn't. Is it because you don't want to be with me? Did I burden you too much? If so, you don't need to answer Gabriela. You know that. I would never put my feelings in front of yours."

Her eyes had widened and he couldn't blame her. It wasn't often that he expressed this much, but perhaps that had been the problem all along.

He had been the problem.

"I'm sorry," he murmured when she didn't reply.

"No, Mateo," she said," don't you dare apologize. You haven't done anything wrong, you hear me?"

"Then why do you say everything's fine and then act like it isn't?" he said, louder than he had intended.

"Because I want it to be fine," she said," because you deserve more than fine."

"Gabriela, please," he breathed," I don't know what you want. Please tell me."

"What does it matter what I want?" she said, their voices rising along with his heartbeat," it's not about me, it's about you."

"What do you mean?" he said, heart breaking," am I a burden to you?"

"God, Mateo," she said," of course not, but you know a relationship between us wouldn't do you any good now. I want to be something stable in your life, something which helps you. If we start dating, everything could go all wrong."

He couldn't breathe.

"Are you saying I'm that broken?" he said," that you aren't even able to love me, out of fear I'll shatter more?" He shook his head. "You tell me I'm not a burden, Gabriela, and then you act like I am."

"I'm not saying you're broken!" she exclaimed, vulnerability sparking in her eyes," I'm just saying you're healing and I would never want to be the one to disturb that process."

It had always been like this. After his father's death, he had shattered, in the Mateo before and the one after he lost everything. And the way both of them were treated was wildly different, to the point where he could scream if somebody else tried to glue his broken pieces together.

"You can't decide how my process goes," he said," and you certainly shouldn't put the burden on yourself of being the one to heal me." He looked away, cracks forming in his poorly bandaged heart. "Gabriela, just say you don't want to be with me. This way hurts more."

"Please, Mateo," she said, slamming a hand against her desk in frustration," why aren't you listening? It's like you're interpreting everything I say the wrong way."

"How could I interpret it any other way?" he said," you never talk to me!"

"How could I?" she said," how could I talk to you and make you shoulder all my thoughts when you have enough to deal with? None of my problems mean anything, not when I compare it with what you've been through." She clenched her fists. "What good would talking to you have done? What else would I have done but increase your worries?"

"See, this is what I mean!" he shouted," I know you for seventeen years, Gabriela, and yet you've never told me that. How am I supposed to understand anything when you act like I'm a stranger to you?"

"You're telling me I act like that?" she said, her laugh sharp from the broken pieces of her heart," you never tell me anything either, Mateo. You keep it all in and I have to guess what's wrong. Do you think it's easy to see you go outside and practically self-destruct, do you think it doesn't keep me up that one night you won't come back?"

She placed her hands in front of her face. "I want to be able to help you, but there's nothing I can do. And then there you are, shutting me out even more, not even telling me the smallest thing about what you do those hours you leave, about why you return with bruises on your body and those empty eyes, each time."

"What does it matter what I do?" he said, cheeks heated," you act like I'm a child. I can damn well decide what's best for me."

"No, you can't," she said," because you're still grieving, Mateo, and because you never gave yourself the time to fully heal. Can't you see you're self-destructing out there?"

He punched the wall then, overcome with that same sense of fiery rage and emptiness he had felt for five years now. As soon as he did it he knew he had gone too far, a crack in the wallpaper, stained with his blood now. But it was too late, he knew that too.

When he looked at Gabriela, her face was unreadable.

So without saying another word, he left.