Austin and I got on good terms, but we never had sex again.

I might be overthinking about it and he could be telling the truth so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was traumatized with what I went through with Lukas at hindi pa ako ready na bumalik sa gano'ng sitwayson. If pushing Austin away would be key for me to have a peaceful life, I would do it even though it was painful to see him getting so confused and hurt at the same time.

I know he couldn't blame me. The trust I put in Lukas before was overflowing, and I ended up making myself look like a fool. I could have fun with Austin, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give him the trust that I also gave away before.

I helped him pack his stuff when at times he jokingly said I could still change my decision and come with him back to Siargao, pero hindi na talaga magbabago ang desisyon ko. I was already set in that situation that I couldn't take it back anymore. 

On the day he was about to leave, nagdadalawang isip ako kung sasamahan ko ba siya papunta sa airport o hahayaan ko na lang siyang umalis. Parang ang sama-sama kong tao. Matapos ang lahat, ipagtatabuyan ko lang siya ng gano'n. I knew what he would be feeling right now, pero hindi niya lang pinapakita sa akin, but I could sense it. He was just trying to pull off this happy, smiley Austin I'd known, but behind all those beaming smiles, he was hurt by what I did. I was sorry, he accepted it. Now, we were moving on.

Even though my heart and mind were at battle, I still chose to go with Austin to the airport rather than just leave him be. We arrived one hour earlier before his flight. Normally, we would be holding each other's hands pero walang gano'n ngayon. He was pulling his luggage while I was just walking next to him.

I wasn't able to get into the passenger passageway so we took the farthest door where non-passengers can enter the airport on the departure floor. I caught some people looking at us, mostly at Austin. When we reached the security he had to go through so he could check in his luggage, I knew we had to end it at that moment.

He turned around and looked at me. Whenever I stare into his eyes, I get lost in it. Sometimes, I wish it was the first time. I would love to get lost in those eyes again and again, but this time, I was lost in the real world, and trusting someone else might bring me into a place I would be lost forever.

"I guess, this is it. . ." he uttered. "Can I hug you?" he asked for permission. Tumango naman ako at saka hindi na siya nagpatumpik-tumpik pang yagkan ako at ikulong sa mga bisig niya. I could smell his natural odor—smoething that I would long for.

"You need to check in now," I muttered while I was still in his hug. "If you won't leave by now, you might not catch your plane."

Umalis siya sa pagkayayakap sa akin at tiningnan niya ang smart watch. Nakakusot ang mukha niya nang tumingin sa akin. "I still got a lot of time to spare. If I could just hug you forever, I would. I'm not going to tell you again to come with me as I respect your decision, but if you have ever changed your mind, you know that Marina's house will always be welcome for you."

I smiled at him. "Yeah. . . If she asks you anything about me, don't tell her anything yet. I will tell her, I'm just finding the right time to do it."

"Alright, if you say so. . . I'm gonna go and check in now. I hope I get to see you again."

Hindi ako nagsalita. Bago siya tuluyang umalis sa harapan ko ay hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi ko. With those eyes that screamed thousands of meaningful emotions, it wa shard to see him go. I had to do it for myself. Hindi naman ako nagmamadaling ma-inlove ulit. If the time comes when everything would be okay, I just wish I would meet the perfect person for me.

I watched him walk away, but I remained in my spot where he was heading towards the check-in counter. Wala masyadong pila kaya mabilis niyang na-i-check in ang gamit niya. He looked back to where I was at nando'n pa rin ako. I was supposed to leave and forget about it, but I still waited for him to enter the domestic line for passengers flying domestically. Akala ko tutuloy na siya nang diretsyo ro'n, but Austin sprint towards my direction and came for me for one last hug. Maraming napatingin sa ginawa niya at iyong ibang malapit sa akin ay napasinghap pa sa gulat.

"I'm gonna miss you," he uttered under his breath. Pinipigilan ko lang din maging emosyonal. As he parted his hugs from me, nang tingnan ko siya sa mga mata niya ay namumula ito. Naluluha siya. May tumakas pang luha. Pinunasan naman niya ng hinlalaki niya iyon. I reached for his face so I could wiped his cheeks clean. "I'm sorry. . . You won't have to deal with me anymore."

"Hey. . . Don't be sorry. . . I know at the right time, we will see each other again."

"Yeah. . . We will. . ." He smiled at me, held on my hand, and slowly let it go.

Nang tumalikod siya sa akin at tuluyang naglakad papunta sa domestic flight lane. This time, hindi na siya lumingon sa akin. Not even once when he finally got through the security. Napabitaw na lamang ako nang malalim na hininga saka ako naglakad palabas ng airport.

I booked myself a car but not heading back home. Napili kong pumunta sa isang mall at manood ng sine mag-isa. I've done that before and it wasn't that bad. Halos kakaunti lang din ang nasa loob ng sinehan at namili lang ako sa mga current movie na ipinapalabas ngayon. It was spontaneous I picked a local drama film that I ended up leaving the cinema with bawled eyes.

When I checked the time, I quickly thought that Austin was near in arriving the island. I went to the restaurant alone and had lunch for myself. Hindi pa ako handa na makausap si Marina. They were all expecting me to come back home with Austin, but they would be surprised na si Austin lang ang nakabalik.

Isa akong talkshit. Wala nang maniniwala sa 'kin sa susunod.

I tried putting my attention elsewhere by eating, watching, and buying something I didn't even need at the moment, just to make myself feel good. After that, I went back home where I felt like there was a huge hole to fill in. There was just this lonely atmosphere that was seemingly hard for me.

Tumungo ako sa kwarto at muling nilingon ang oras. At this time, Austin should be at Siargao now and traveling to General Luna. I'm not sure if they would pick him up, but Austin said that there was a van there going to General Luna so he said he might take that. I just hope he arrived on the island safely.

Nang dalawin ako ng antok ay may tumatawag naman sa phone ko. Nagmadali pa akong silipin kung sino iyon. Nang mabasa ko ang pangalan ni Cory ay agad ko rin naman itong sinagot.

"Hello, sis. . . How are you?" mahinahong bungad ni Cory sa akin.

"Hello, sis. . ." matamlay ko namang tugon. "Okay lang naman ako. Nanood ako ng sine. Kumain mag-isa. Nag-shopping din. Nakakapagod. Iidlip na sana ako, pero tumawag ka pa, e."

"Loka ka! Pero ha, ang aga mo gumala!" Natatawa pa nitong tugon.

"Maaga talaga. . . Galing din akong airport, e. . ."

"Oh," anito nang ma-realize ang sinabi ko. "Ngayon pala 'yon. . . I get it na. So, ano nang feeling mo ngayon? Are you okay?"

"Hindi ko alam. . . Okay lang. Nasabi ko na naman, 'di ba?"

"Anong sabi ni Austin? Nasa Siargao na ba siya ulit?"

"Hindi ko rin alam. . . Siguro nando'n na siya ngayon papuntang General Luna. He said he would miss me. . . I said I would. Sinabi ko naman sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko at naiintindihan naman niya. And it felt like he didn't want to let go of me."

"Aw. . . I'm really sorry, Austin. . . I hope you will feel better. I know it wasn't easy for you, but you'll get through it. Nandito naman kami ni Douglas. If we could just go there and be with you, we would do it. Pero bakit hindi na lang ikaw ang bumisita rito sa amin sa Palawan, 'di ba? This time, book your flight correctly."

Natawa na lamang ako. "I don't know, sis. . . I've been living on an island for a month. A lot of things had happened. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Austin was. Bringing him into the city I think was the mistake I made. I shouldn't have done that. Hinayaan ko na lang sana siyang mag-stay sa Siargao at ako na lang ang umalis. It was all my fault."

"Dan. . ." she uttered my name so concerned about my situation. "It was no one's fault. . ."

"No, I don't think so. . . It was me." I sighed. "Ako 'tong kagagaling lang sa isnag relationship. Hindi pa ako gano'n kasedido sa mga ginagawa ko. I know I'm falling for Austin. Gusto ko siya. Gusto ko siyang protektahan at maging akin lang, pero parang ang hirap. . . Sa Siargao, maraming nagkagugusto sa kanya. Pagdating sa Manila, maraming gusto siyang matikman. I feel like bumabalik na naman 'yong mga nangyari kay Lukas. Pumunta akong Siargao para kalimutan iyon, I did, pero nang bumalik ako ay sinalubong din naman ako ng problema. Or maybe ako talaga ang problema at hindi sila. Ako talaga."

"Ang mahirap kasi kapag iniisip mong ikaw lang ang nagkamali, hindi ka talaga makaka-move on. Parang ipinapako mo ang sarili mo sa dingding at hahayaan mong bato-batuhin ka nila ng paulit-ulit. Hindi mo naman kailangan saluhin lahat ng problema. Oo, siguro nagkamali ka rin, pero hindi ka naman ang nanloko. Hindi ka naman ang gumawa ng masama at higit sa lahat, nagmahal ka lang naman so 'wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo. Love might not be at its best right now, pero tandaan mo, if the person was the right one for you, they will come back and if not, they were just a mere lesson in your life and so you have to move on. . . Alam mo, deserve mong pumunta ng Palawan."

Napangisi naman ako. "I wish I had enough money. . . Kakayod muna ako sa OnlyFans, okay? Magbebenta lang ako ng feet pics at baka makatagpo ako ng yayamining subscriber."

"Loka ka talaga. Anyway, usap tayo ulit later kasi magtatampo na naman 'tong alaga ko. Aalis kasi kami. . ."

"Alis-alis na naman," banas kong usal. "Sige na. . . Later na lang ulit. Iidlip lang din ako."

"Okay, bye!"

Nang i-end ko ang call at ipapatong ko na sana sa bedside table nang may mapansin akong bagay na nakapatong do'n. It was a used shirt and then on it was a black braided bracelet with a coin-sized metal on it. It was his bracelet and he never took it off once, but why would he leave it for me? 

I grabbed his used shirt and smelled it, I could smell his natural scent. I wrapped it around me like he was hugging me. I didn't expect it will end this way. This isn't how I imagined it would be. But life is full of shit people and we just have to get along with them. So, fuck them all. 

***