I didn't wake up by the alarm, I wasn't able to sleep properly knowing that I left Austin to sleep on the couch. I didn't hand over some pillows and blankets to him. I was so mad I didn't want to see his face. Whenever I close my eyes, I am hearing repeatedly the gossip I had heard at the bar. Latvian. Daks. All those things kept running back in my hand and it was hard not to dwell on it.

Hindi agad ako bumangon pagkagising ko. I had spent another hour just on the bed, staring at the window curtains, covering myself with the duvet seemingly how it got cold in the room today. I only decided to get up just to go to the bathroom. I walked out of the room and there I found no one on the couch, but the smell inside the unit made me famish.

"Good morning, babe!" Mabilis akong napalingon sa nagsalita. I saw Austin topless and only in his shorts, cooking in the kitchen for some breakfast. "How are you? I've prepared some breakfast for you. If you want some coffee to tone down your hangover, I've made some coffee, too."

I didn't utter a word and went straight to the bathroom. Umihi lang at naghilamos. I stared at myself in the mirror and I felt so horrible. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin at kakausapin matapos ko siyang i-snobin kagabi. He may be confused about what I did, but he might be lying and playing me around.

Pagkalabas ko ng bathroom, dumiretsyo ako sa kusina at naabutan ko siyang tinatapos na ang pagluluto niya. He was just telling me to sit down on the table and he'll prepare the food there. Kumuha lang ako ng mug saka nagsalin ako ng kape sa baso ko at umupo sa dining table.

"What do you want to eat?" he asked as soon as he sat down across me.

"I'll just have coffee," simple kong sagot saka ako uminom sa baso ko. 

"Okay, no worries. . . You can eat them later if you want," Austin said, putting some sausages and eggs on his plates. "How are you feeling? Do you have a hangover?"

Umiling naman ako. "I'm good. . ."

Tahimik lamang ako habang iniinom ko ang kape ko. It doesn't seem like he would question me why I didn't let him sleep in the bedroom last night and how my mood shifted so badly. I couldn't even look at him. He was just having the best time of his life. He maybe just forgot about what happened, but I couldn't get it off of my head.

"How's the client? Will the coming today to check the unit?" he asked.

I swallowed and put the mug down on the table. "They will. I set the time at noon so they'll be coming soon."

"Alright. Where do you want me? Do you want me to stay here or go elsewhere while they're around?"

"Whatever you want," tipid kong sagot sa kanya. "You can stay if you want."

"Sure, I'll join you here," he said and took a bite of his sausage.

After breakfast, he presented to wash the dishes. I left the mug on the table while I started cleaning the unit. Tahimik pa rin ako. Very unusual of me. Austin kept talking to me but only got timid responses from me. I wonder if he thought about asking me, but hadn't had a chance to do so.

In the next hours, I finished tidying up the place and thought what I did was enough already so I went to the bathroom to take a bath. Austin was about to join me to take a shower together, but I stopped him and told him I wanted to take a shower alone. He let it go and he said he'll do it right after me.

When I finished taking a shower, he went inside while I put some clothes on in the shower. Later on, just ten minutes later, Austin came to the bedroom, wearing only towels wrapped around his waist. He removed it and he had gone naked in front of my eyes. He wore his clothes on while I walked out of the bedroom to get in contact with the client.

"Hello, Danny! Yes, we are close na to the condo. I'll text you na lang kapag nasa lobby na kami, thank you."

Hindi ko naman napansin na nasa likod ko na pala si Austin. Ipinatong pa nito ang kamay niya sa balikat ko. "Are they already here?"

Umiling ako saka ako lumayo sa kanya para maalis ang kamay niya sa balikat ko. "Not yet, but they're close. . . I'll just wait them in the lobby. You can wait here."

"Sure, no problem. . . I'll make sure everything is fine before they go up."

Hindi na ako nakapagbigay pa ng komento at lumabas na lamang ako ng condo. Napahugot ako nang malalim na hininga bago tumungo sa elevator. Am I treating him so badly? Kailangan ko lang muna ng peace of mind at ayokong biglain ang sarili ko. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was really Austin. Maybe those people were referring to other Latvia who happened to be in the same bar as well. I couldn't just help, but overthink the situations.

The elevator rang on the floor and opened its door and I stepped inside. Just a moment later, I reached the ground floor where I headed to the lobby and waited for the client to arrive. After five minutes, she called me again and said they were entering the building. Nakita ko naman kaagad sila pagkapasok ng entrance. Binati ko sila at wala nang paligoy-ligoy pa at idinala ko na sila sa unit.

As we were going up, they were telling me that the place was very accessible and near establishments such as convenience stores, restaurants, and other stuff that are only walking distance away. I could see in their faces na excited sila. They said they've been looking for a condo na pasok din sa budget nila and they believe this would be it.

Nang matunton namin ang floor ng unit ko ay idinala ko sila sa room. I was very pleasant and friendly, that was what I believe dahil nakangiti lang ako sa kanila. 

When I opened the door, it smelled nice, obviously, Austin sprayed some nice sweet perfume. Nakita rin naman nila si Austin. Nagulat pa sila dahil foreigner pala ang kasama ko. Austin was smiling all the way. I showed them around and often they discussed what they thought about the living room, bedroom, and another area they were trying to imagine what they could do with it. 

"What do you think? Will they get it?" Austin asked and nudged me while they were discussing at the corner.

Kibit balikat lang din naman ang naisagot. When I had a glimpse of his face, it seemed like he was excited and all. But it doesn't feel the same way for me. I had doubts. I had this worry in my chest that I couldn't take out. It was just all over my head and my heart.

"Hey, Danny. . ." they called me and walked to me. "We've decided. . . We are going to take this unit." Malaking ngiti ang ibinungad nito sa akin. Sa tingin ko ay magjowa ang dalawa. From the last discussion I had with them, naghahanap talaga sila ng condo dahil gusto nilang bumukod. "This unit is what we are looking for. When we thought about living in the city or in the province, after everything we had to consider, dito talaga kami sa city. So. . . How can we move forward with this? I'm excited, Danny!"

I smiled and took up a deep breath as I found the courage inside me to also make a decision that was good for me. "I'm sorry, but I just had. . . I don't know how to say this, but I'm not going to put this unit for rent anymore. I'm sorry to waste your time and all. I am really sorry. . ."

Kumunot ang noo nila at naguluhan sa sinabi ko. When they asked for an explanation, I couldn't put it into words, but I made it clear to them na hindi ko na itutuloy ang pag-rent sa unit. I was sorry and they just left the unit with so much disappointment on their faces. When I closed the door, I looked at Austin who was confused as well.

"What the fuck just happened, Dan? Why did you turn them down? Didn't they agree with the deal you tell them?"

"Yes, they did. . . I just don't want to do it anymore."

"What's going on? I don't understand," he said, putting his hands on his hips. "We're going back to Siargao in a few days and the unit would be left abandoned again. Maybe you were just having second thoughts, do you want me to call them back?"

He was about to pass by me heading to the door, pero agad ko siyang hinawakan sa braso niya para pigilan ito sa balak niyang gawin. "No, don't do it. I don't have any second thoughts. I already made the decision just this morning. . . And I'm not coming back to Siargao."

"Huh? What are you talking about, Danny? What's going on? I don't understand. . ." He held onto my shoulders. I couldn't look into his face. "After we came home from the bar, you just stopped talking to me. You kicked me out of bed, I don't care about that, I just don't understand why you weren't talking to me when we were good yesterday. And why won't you come back to Siargao? That's bullshit, Danny."

"Sure, it's bullshit, but I can't be cheated on again."

"Huh? Who?" he asked, he was confused and mad when I had a glimpse of his face. "What the fuck are you saying, Danny? Did you think I cheated on you?"

"I heard. . ."

"What the fuck? I didn't do anything and you know that."

He let his hands go off my shoulder and washed it all over his face. "Where are you getting this? I don't know why you were saying this because I would've never done it to you. For God's sake, do you think I would do it to you? I fucking love you, Danny. I can't do that."

"Are you sure?" With that question, he closed his eyes as if the conversation was over between us. Kalmado pa rin ako habang tumataas ang tono ng boses niya. "Because what I heard last night, from someone there, they were able to give a Latvian a blowjob, and there's only one Latvian I know personally and that's you. I was looking for you that night and there I heard them gossiping about them."

"Fuck, I didn't have any blowjob to any people at the bar last night! Why would I do that?"

"You were horny last night. You needed to get it off."

"Danny, listen to me." Muli niya akong hinawakan sa magkabilang balikat ko at inilapit niya ang tingin niya sa akin para magtama ang mga mata namin. "Look at me, I wouldn't ever cheat on you. If you heard it that way, that could be wrong, because I would be honest with you, I could die right now, but I'm telling the truth to you. I didn't put my cock in someone else's mouth last night."

"Okay. . ."

"You don't believe it."

"I believed it. If you said you were being honest, sure. . ."

"How did we get here, Danny? You know I wouldn't do that to you. . ."

"I wouldn't know that," I said, finally able to look away from his gaze. "The last time someone said that to me, they did it anyway. I know that I shouldn't have fallen that so easily. I was so stupid to think I could just find some love and move on from the heartaches I had. I can believe you, Austin. I would make myself think you were being with me. I would take that."

"But I've never done anything wrong, Danny. . ." bumaba at lumamlam ang tono ng boses nito. "How could you think I could do that to you?"

"I'm sorry. . . I just can't. . . But just like what I also said, I won't be coming back to you in Siargao."

"You can't do that. They'll be mad at you."

"Sure, they will, but I'll let them know why and it wasn't because of you, but because of my decision. . ."

"This isn't happening, Danny. Just trust me."

"Big word," I uttered. "I don't know if I could. . . Maybe. . ." I jerked his hands off of mine. "Maybe you were right and you were telling the truth and I'm sorry for coming at you and suspecting you of cheating on me. You don't have to forgive me. That was a big accusation. You have the right to be mad at me. I would just let it go, I would forget it because it would be the right thing to do, but for me. . ." Pinigilan kong hindi maluha at pumikit dahil alam kong nag-iinit na ang gilid ng mata ko, but I just felt tears coming down on my cheeks. "I just can't love someone again wholeheartedly. . . I'm sorry I led you on. I'm sorry I wasn't ready for anything. I'm sorry for breaking what was going on between us. I'm the problem, blame, hate me, punch me—"

"Hey, hey, I could never do that to you, Danny. . ." He extended his arms and reached me to wrap me around his arms. This hug, I know I needed it, but I can't have it. "I would never hurt." I felt him kiss me on my hair. "I won't blame you. I can't hate. I can't do that you. . . I understand what you were trying to say and that's alright. . ."

"It wasn't alright," I retorted. "It would never be alright to accuse of cheating when there was only gossip. I was. . . Scared of losing you and I think I am losing you."

"No, no, you're not. You're not losing me. . ."

"Yes, I do. . ." I slowly parted away from his hug. Pinakawalan niya rin naman ako. "I'm not coming back to Siargao, so I'm going to lose and I deserve it. You don't deserve someone like me. You don't have to push yourself. You have to let go of me. Of everything we did together. But thank you for being the person I'd known. . ."

"Danny. . ." he uttered, hugging me back tightly. "It might be hard for me to do what you ask. . . Before I left in the next days, I just have a favor and forgot about this and let's just pretend we were still in love. . ."

I looked into his eyes and nodded. "Okay. . ."

"Can I kiss you?"

I swallowed and nodded my head. I closed my eyes and then I felt his lips on mine. At that moment, I knew I ended something beautiful and it was my fault. I wasn't just ready. I thought I was. Austin can't just have someone like me. Someone who isn't ready to love again.

***