This Death Battle will be like the original, but with some added characters from the Red and the Blue Teams. 

Sambamhaw: Mario vs Sonic, Natsu vs Gray, Scorpion vs Sub-Zero...

Boomstick: Edison versus Telsa, Coke versus Pepsi, Goku versus Superman...

Wiz: Few rivalries have lasted nearly two decades or spawned epic battles like our second favorite web series, Red vs. Blue.

Tony 341: With the Red Team, even though most of them don't actually wear red.

Sambamhaw: And the Blue Team, their perpetual ocean-colored rivals. For this battle, we'll be bringing these two groups back to where it all started.

Boomstick: To find out what would've happened if they had stopped dickin' around and actually just fought for real.

Wiz: Just to note, we will be locking any artificial intelligence characters within their primary bodies, since they're generally invincible unless they stumble into an EMP.

Boomstick: You mean an emp.

Wiz: What?

Sambamhaw: My name is Sambamhaw, the writer of my stories. 

Tony 341: And I'm Tony 341, one of his partners. 

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

RED TEAM: 

Simmons: Hey.

Grif: Yeah?

Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?

Wiz: Not long from now in a galaxy theoretically exactly where we are, humanity goes to war with an alien covenant.

Sambamhaw: The Covenant is faction of multiple alien races with a goal of destroying the human race by glassing planets and activating the Halo rings to fulfil The Great Journey.  

Boomstick: So the United Nations Space Command came up with a ton of plans to win. And one of those was called "Project Freelancer".

Wiz: Essentially an experiment using A.I. to create invincible super soldiers. In order to fabricate scenarios to train these highly advanced warriors, Freelancer opted for a, uh... unique approach.

Tony 341: Solution: Dumping a bunch of losers in a box canyon called Blood Gulch and tellin' them they're at war with each other!

Sambamhaw: Enter the Red Team: Dick Simmons, Dexter Grif, Franklin Delano Donut, Lopez the Heavy, Agent Maine, South Dakota, C.T., and their leader, Super Colonel Sarge. Yes, that's his full name and rank, don't ask why.

Boomstick: You know how they say "prejudice is taught, not born"? Well, they haven't met Super Colonel Sarge, who I bet was screaming how much he hates blue the second he popped into the world.

Sarge: Attention, Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to a sudden and cataclysmic end!

Wiz: Once an orbital drop shock trooper, Sarge was unfortunately discharged after developing a fear of heights, only to be picked up by Project Freelancer to achieve his dream.

Boomstick: Lead the glorious Reds against the dirty Blues. Ah man, he's great. He seems like the kind of guy you could just have a catch with.

Wiz: Uh, sure.

Sambamhaw: Sarge may be an unorthodox leader, but he knows his men very well. Hell, he's good enough to keep dorks like Grif and Simmons around for 17 seasons. And those two spend a lot of time together.

Tony 341: It's a complicated relationship, though you may be surprised at their capabilities.

Wiz: Simmons may be a brilliant geek like myself, but he proves stereotypes wrong by changing his armored suit in just four seconds.

Simmons: Well, how about this?

Grif: How did you change so fast?

Simmons: I've always been a fast changer.

Tony 341: MjoInir Armor is designed to be applied by Spartans within a considerable few minutes. This would imply Simmons is 90 times faster than the average super soldier. 

Wiz: He's also technically a cyborg, but everyone forgets that these days.

Sambamhaw: Meanwhile, Grif is the laziest member of the team who slacks off most of the time, and only cares about nothing except pizza and Oreos.

Boomstick: He's my favorite. He's also been hit in the nuts more times than I can count, and he's still standin' today! That's some balls of steel right there.

Tony 341: Next up we have the Red Team's muscle known as Agent Maine A.k.A. The Meta. He was once a former Freelancer who got corrupted by a rogue A.I. and manipulated him into hunting down his fellow Freelancers, and take their A.I.'s in order to attain completion. 

Sambamhaw: Until the Sigma A.I. got removed from Maine and now comes back to atone for his past sins as the Meta, helping the surviving Freelancers and the simulation soldiers. Even though he can also get extremely brutal when angered. 

Boomstick: But even without Sigma, Maine has show great strength and endurance. He survived being shot in the throat nine times, killed an armored soldier in one punch like Saitama, and can lift and threw a Warthog at Grif. 

Wiz: Then there's Donut, easily duped but always a joy. He's clearly identifiable by his lightish-red armor.

Boomstick: Wiz, are your eyes goin' bad? That's pink.

Wiz: Eh, magenta. 

Tony 341: Donut has shown incredible tenacity. He was once shot through the chest, causing his armor to lock up, and was left bleeding out on the ground for over a year, but he got better.

Sambamhaw: And he's got the best throwin' arm around! He threw a grenade halfway across the canyon.

Wiz: Which is over 1,500 feet long!

Tony 341: We also have South Dakota, the sister of North. A former Freelancer who was ranked 4th on the leaderboard above her brother.

Sambamhaw: Until she got moved down to 5th because of her lacking stealth, all because she was caught off guard by an Insurrectionist on break due to not activating her motion tracker as North suggested. 

Boomstick: Jeez, and I thought I had family problems. 

Wiz: Let's not forget Agent Connecticut, also known as C.T. A Freelancer who is actually a spy working for Charon Industries. 

Tony 341: The same company directed by its former CEO, Malcom Hargrove. The former Oversight Sub-Committee Chairman of the UNCS.

Boomstick: And last of all is the team robot who hates everyone, Lopez!

Lopez: Hola. (Hello.)

Everyone: Lopez!

Simmons: That robot looks like Lopez!

Lopez: He regresado. (I have returned.)

Boomstick: Ah, no matter how many times they rebuild him, they can never figure out how to fix that language setting. Oh well.

Sambamhaw: The Reds carry a standard Spartan assortment of magnums, battle rifles, and SMGs. Along with C.T.'s combat knives, Grif's Brute Shot which he calls the 'Grif shot', and Maine's Saw. 

Boomstick: But if I had to pick one weapon of the bunch, I'd have to go with Sarge's trusty shotgun.

Wiz: Seriously? The weapon with the shortest range?

Boomstick: Wiz, how long have we known each other? Have you never looked at my leg before? (lifts up his Shotgun leg) Besides, an effective range of 45 meters is almost the length of an Olympic swimming pool. Watch your back, Micheal Phelps, I know how to beat you now.

Tony 341: Of course, we can't forget their hallmark vehicle, the Warthog. 

Simmons: You mean the puma?

Boomstick: AKA, "Chupathingy".

Sambamhaw: This three-ton supercar tops out at 78 miles per hour, and is heavily armored.

Wiz: Well, it's supposed to be. Somehow the Reds always find new ways to break the thing.

Boomstick: Lucky that Sarge is a good mechanic. And you know what they say, fellas: good mechanics make for good fathers.

Wiz: But what I find most baffling is that for some reason, these lowlife dimwits have been given the most state-of-the-art Space Marine armor in the galaxy.

Boomstick: Oh yeah, the Mark VI M-Joel-Nir suit.

Toby 341: Mjolnir.

Boomstick: Gesundheit.

Sambamhaw: This armor has high-tech equipment that no human soldier can ever have. Titanium plating, energy shields, hydrostatic gel, liquid metal crystal! These babies can take one hell of a beating!

Wiz: Apparently strong enough to withstand the blast of a 50 megaton bomb.

Boomstick: Hehe. Gotta love it when a bomb goes off that's so big, you think it sent you to the future. Good times.

Tony 341: But when push came to shove, the Reds banded together to take down three of the deadliest warriors in the galaxy, The Spartan Slayers: Tracker, Breaker, and Quick-Trigger. 

Wiz: Despite all logic and reason, the two pillars I hold most dear, I am forced to admit, these morons have proven to be a mind bogglingly impressive team.

Sarge: I'm not ordering you to go. I ain't even askin'. You do what you gotta do, Private Grif.

Grif: (sighs) I'll go get my car keys.

Sarge: Ah, alright then. Let's move!

BLUE TEAM:

Boomstick: The Blues. They're not just a great way to sing out all those complicated, messed-up feelings you keep down about being fatherless. They're the second half of this epic. But, y'know, singin' blues would be perfect for this team. They've been through a lot.

Wiz: Maybe true. Unlike the Reds, they've suffered numerous casualties and are constantly plagued by Project Freelancer's experiments.

Sambamhaw: You know how they were experimenting with A.I.s? They could only get one, an Alpha based on the project's Director. 

Boomstick: Shit went down and they had to hide the Alpha where nobody would ever find it.

Wiz: Apparently, this box canyon in the middle of nowhere seemed the perfect fit.

Tony 341:  This is Blue Team: Leonard Church, Lavernius Tucker, Kaikaina Grif, Agent Washington, Agent Carolina, Agent Texas, Sheila, who is a living tank, and Caboose.

Wiz: After losing their original captain to a... deadly allergy incident, Church reluctantly stepped up to be the Blue Team's unofficial leader.

Boomstick: Spoiler alert: He's the secret Alpha A.I..

Sambamhaw: I don't know what makes him so special though. He's a cranky asshole who's terrible at literally everything he does. He doesn't even know he's an A.I.. He thinks he's a gho-o-ost.

Wiz: But remember that 50 megaton bomb? Church's team all survived it, too, including himself, while it was inside his own body.

Church: What the hell?

Tony 341: Next up is Kaikaina or Kai, Grif's sister. She maybe colored blinded, but she does care for friends in need.

Sambamhaw: And she's into porn. So if she her staring at you with lustful eyes and having perverted thoughts about you, you better watch out. (shivers) 

Wiz: Tucker wants you to think he's a ladies' man. However, after careful pain-staking analysis, we have determined that he has very little... gain. Being that his most frequent hookup is a rock.

Boomstick: He's kind of a badass, though. He stabbed a Brute Chieftain, Shoryuken a cyclops in the balls, and held off a small army of mercenaries by himself. He even wields a kick-ass energy sword that only works for him.

Tony 341: Speaking of badasses, let's go to Carolina. She's the daughter of the Director who would grow up in the shadow of her dead mother and eventually join the very project her father directed, quickly becoming one of their top ranked.

Sambamhaw: That all would change, however, when the literal memory of her mother returned in the form of Agent Texas causing Carolina to become more competitive and focused on beating Tex, unaware of her origin.

Tony 341: Desperate for perfection, Carolina would unintentionally aid in bringing the ruination of Project Freelancer and many disastrous consequences that followed. But Carolina would survive and learn to move on, working together with the Epsilon A.I. to take down the remaining remnants of Project Freelancer, eventually joining the ranks of the Blood Gulch crew down the line.

Sambamhaw: Let's not forget about Agent Washington. Another survivor who became the Blue Team's leader after Church's 'death'. And like most Freelancers, he's trained in combat skills along with Carolina and they both hold their ground against Locus and Felix. 

Wiz: But for the biggest badass of the bunch, look no further than Agent Texas. Tex is an anomaly. She's not really a Blue, but a Freelancer assigned to the team through circumstance. Yet, she's also not really a Freelancer, but a robot duplicate hosting an artificial intelligence fragment split from the Alpha as a clone of the Director's late wife, Allison. 

Boomstick: Yeah duh, guys. How'd you not see that comin' from when the show started?

Wiz: Unfortunately, the Tex fragment is specifically based on the memory of Allison's death and the concept of failure. 

Tony 341: This means that Tex is literally programmed to fail. Now, this doesn't mean she can't win fights or that her team can't succeed on missions, it's more of a personal defect.

Sambamhaw:  It sure hasn't stopped her from kickin' some serious ass. Tex was number one on the Freelancer leaderboard, easily caught a giant crate, and could even flip over Sheila! You know, the 66 ton tank with a mind of its own? The perfect companion for Caboose's team-killing sprees.

Boomstick: You all know Caboose, the funny fan favorite who can get you to quote everything he says. And he's really, really, really, really, really, really dumb. (sees DUMMI emerges) Hey, speak of the DUMMI.

DUMMI: What else is new?

Wiz: Perfect timing. As this battle will be in Blood Gulch, the usual teleportation units will be in place. (touch his robot arm, making a teleporter appear) The Blues have used these teleporters frequently with... varying results. (gestures to the teleporter) In you go.

DUMMI: Certainly. What could go wrong?

Wiz pushes DUMMI in the teleporter.

Wiz: Teleportation is instantaneous, as you can see...

A few seconds of total silence prevails as Wiz looks puzzled and Boomstick stares at Wiz with doubt.

Boomstick: You totally killed him, didn't you?

Wiz: Probably.

Sambamhaw: Well, aside from Tucker's energy sword, the Blues carry pretty boring weapons. I mean, they don't really need much with two Freelancers and a robot ninja on their side. Church does have a sniper rifle, but he really sucks with it. Every-time he fires a shot at something or someone who pisses him off, he literally misses by an inch. 

Tony 341: Which sort of makes sense. Unlike everyone else, Church never experienced any training or combat before Blood Gulch.

Boomstick: Y'know, that explains a lot.

Wiz: Even without specialized weapons, Blue Team has a few aces up their sleeves. Agent Tex carries an additional A.I. fragment: Omega.

Sambamhaw: Or in Doc's case, O'Malley. 

Wiz: The fragment of the Alpha's rage. With it, she can use extra enhancement gear, such as a cloaking device. It also affects her personality, quite literally transforming her into a vicious killing machine.

Boomstick: It can also pop out of her head and possess other people like a ghost. But remember, we're lockin' AIs to their bodies 'cause that is super overpowered.

Tony 341: Even though Tex has shown incredible feats of strength, Caboose is surprisingly even stronger. In a robot body, identical to the one she used to flip Sheila, Tex was unable to lift Andy the bomb, while Caboose could do so for extended periods of time.

Boomstick: And after entering an alien temple, Santa, don't question it, increased gravity by tenfold, and Caboose didn't even notice. I remember a certain Saiyan struggling to do something like that.

Sambamhaw: Wait a minute, does that mean Caboose is stronger than Goku? 

Tony 341: Stop it. Don't you dare open those floodgates.

Sambamhaw: I'm kidding. 

Boomstick: Still, Caboose was strong enough to defeat a bunch of Tex clones all at once. It's like they say, it's God's way of compensating.

Wiz: Unfortunately, the Blue Team has a tendency to get in way over their heads, often losing team members in the process.

Boomstick: But, somehow, someway, they always come back together. They're a good team in a weird stupid way.

Church: Sheila. Shut him up.

Sheila fires a shot.

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Sambamhaw: Alright, everything is sorted out, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.

Tony 341: And while the Reds and Blues fight over an empty canyon, you can fight hair loss with Keeps!

The scene opens on the Blue Team's stronghold with Tucker, Carolina, and Tex standing on the top parts while Caboose, Kai, Wash, and Church are on the ground, their team flag pitched between them. It's here where Church asks the obvious question.

Church: Okay, why did we bring the flag out here?

Caboose: Because it is supposed to rain today. You have to remember to take your flag outside when it rains.

Church: None of that is right.

Washington: Is it really suppose to rain today?

Carolina: I don't know, I never seen rain on Blood Gulch before. 

Tucker: What's a flag got to do with rain? Wait, do you think the flag is an umbrella? Caboose, have you seen an umbrella before?

Suddenly, a Warthog attack vehicle leaps over a hill carrying the opposing Red Team consisting of Sarge, Grif and Simmons. They speed past their mortal enemies, grabbing the flag.

Grif: Yoink!

Kaikaina: Hey, those cocksuckers stole our flag!

Sarge: Whoo, hah hah! Suck on that, blue!

Simmons: Yeah, suck it, blue!

At the Warthog's artillery, Simmons opens fire, forcing the Blues to scatter out of harm's way.

Tucker: This'll stop 'em!

Tucker throws a grenade into an active teleporter before Church points out the flaw in such an act.

Church: Hey, dumbass! The teleporter never worked! Now c'mon, let's... (realized) wait, where's Caboose?

While the Blues ponder the whereabouts of their teammate, the Reds speed on with Sarge congratulating his troops.

Sarge: Great work for that fake weather report, boys! That's the kinda fake news I like!

Grif: (confused) What fake weather report?

A sudden explosive hit rocks the vehicle, forcing it to stop. A larger, heavier war machine appears over the horizon. It is Sheila, the Blues' sentient tank. Caboose's voice can be heard, indicating he is piloting her.

Caboose: Let's go, Sheila! The only good red is a red in bed!

The tank's turret aims steadily at the Reds and fires, though only knocking them to the side. The commander in red barks an order to his driver.

Sarge: Grif, quit your staring and get to stepping! On the gas, pronto!

Grif: Uh, yeah. I know.

Grif accelerates and steers the Reds' vehicle out of the line of fire while Simmons returns fire. However, Sheila seems to have difficulty maneuvering around the large rocks next to the road.

Caboose: Sheila, look out for that rock! Oh no, there's another one! Who put all these rocks out here?!

Once she is on steady turf again, she opens more tank rounds on the Reds as they steer uncontrollably in her path.

Simmons: Watch out!

The bombardment continues shaking up the Warthog without injuries.

Sarge: In those caves, men! We'll have to hit them from behind, just like John Wayne would've done.

Grif: No way, those caves are a maze.

Sarge harshly boots Grif out of the driving seat and takes over.

Sarge: Move over, numbnuts!

The remaining passengers head towards the mouth of a cave at the side of the canyon. The laziest Red is now alone and vulnerable out in the open before running towards the cave with the Grif Shot in hand.

Grif: Hey, don't leave me out here!

Inside the cave, Sarge shares with Simmons his new strategy.

Sarge: Simmons, here's the plan, we're going to use the Warthog as a battering ram! Striking their rear engine, which will rupture and cause the tank to self-destruct in a glorious explosion!

Simmons: Excellent plan, sir! Except for, well, all of it.

The warthog reaches an opening and speeds off a cliff at the edge of the canyon, flipping in mid-air. The Reds hang on for dear life.

Sarge: Yeehaw! That's a bigger cliff than I thought! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately for the Reds, Sheila is waiting under the cliff, turret aimed at them. One shell is fired, quickly destroying the warthog while Sarge and Simmons fell back on the ground as Grif reunites with his teammates. Sarge manages to get up. However, Simmons isn't moving.

Grif: Jesus, what was that?

The laziest member of Red Team turns towards Sarge before noticing his maroon partner on the ground, mortally wounded.

Grif: Where's... Simmons? Simmons?

He runs over to his teammate, but it is too late. Simmons looks up at Grif, gurgling incomprehensible words, before he finally dies, much to Grif's grief.

Grif: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Sheila rolls up towards Sarge as Grif joins his commanding officer before a blue-colored orb soars past the pair and sticks to the hood of Blue Team's Tank.

Caboose: Oh no. A spider!

Caboose panics as he exits Sheila before the plasma grenade blows up the tank. Sarge and Grif turn around to see their five other teammates, South, C.T., Maine, Donut and Lopez approach.

Donut: YEAH!!! Who else wants to taste of this big D?!

South: That doesn't make sense, Donut!

C.T.: Focus on the fight, South.

Maine: She's right, they're coming. 

Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

The remaining Reds and Blues all gather up into a standoff, with Blue Team's flag standing between them.

Tucker: No judging.

Church: End of the line, Reds.

Sarge: Dirty Blue. For the first time in history, you're exactly right. Today is a good day to die! CHAAAAARGE!!!!!!!!!

The simulation troopers and the Freelancers all charge at one another as they all engage each other with Sarge trying to gun down Church until Tex intervenes, keeping the Super Colonel preoccupied in close combat while the Alpha A.I. focuses his attention on the lightish-red grenadier instead as he and Donut run, exchanging bullets.

 Caboose looks at the fights before jumping behind a large rock. Focus returns to Tex and Sarge as the freelancer and simulation trooper grapple with one another. 

Kaikaina: Eat this, gramps!

Kai attempts to assist, only to be interrupted and slashed across the chest by Grif with the Grif Shot. 

Grif: Sorry sis! Just kidding, not sorry. 

The orange slacker rushes at the Beta A.I. with the Grif Shot, attempting to slice her up with the grenade launcher's blade before Tex separates it from its owner.

Grif gasps in horror and holds his hands up in surrender when he sees where Tex is looking while rearing her fist. She proceeds to punch him in the groin before tossing him over Lopez as the Spanish robot aims at Tex before focusing on his creator instead.

Tucker: Not today, roboto!

Lopez is quick to dodge a swing from Tucker's Great Key before the aqua swordsman and robot exchange attacks. Lopez avoids slashes while Tucker dodges gunfire. Tucker kicks Lopez away before the android discards his rifle and puts up his fists. Tucker lunges at Lopez before Lopez avoids the stab while quickly turning the tables on Tucker.

Tucker: Swish!

Lopez: Idiota. (Idiot.) No tienes la oportunidad contra mi. (You don't stand a chance against me.)

Tucker: Swish!

Lopez quickly catches Tucker's arm as the android proceeds to punch the vulnerable simulation trooper repeatedly.

Lopez: Porque yo soy el Lopez el Pesado. (For I am Lopez the Heavy.)

Tucker blocks an incoming swing with his free arm as he headbutts the robot before deactivating the Great Key and dropping it into his other hand. Tucker reactivates the energy sword, impaling Lopez in the chest before Tucker pulls the blade out.

Tucker: Stab!

The motor functions in his body badly damaged, if not destroyed, Lopez is rendered immobile. Falling to his knees, he simply utters one word in Spanish.

Lopez: Mierda. (F**k.)

Tucker decapitates the android, eliminating him from the fight.

Tucker: I'm just too good for the ladies! Bow-chicka-bow- 

Tucker was cut off when he got shot in the ass, causing to him yell in pain. He turns slowly to see the attacker was South. 

South: You deserve it, pervert. (shot him in the head, killing him) 

 Focus returns once more as Sarge and Tex exchange blows once again.

Sarge: I never hit a lady. Good thing you're no lady!

Tex: I AM a lady, dumbass! 

Tex shortly manages to separate the Super Colonel from his beloved shotgun and knocks him to the ground. The Beta A.I. attempts to execute Sarge before Grif tackles the Freelancer away as they exchange blows.

Unfortunately for the orange soldier, Tex swiftly proves herself his superior as she kicks him in the groin again, setting Grif up to have his neck snapped by Tex when he hunches over in pain. Meanwhile, his commanding officer is nonplussed and states his opinion of Grif's death.

Sarge: Huh, 'bout time.

Tex shows up behind Sarge and punches him as Lopez's still functioning head gives a late warning.

Lopez: Estar atento. (Look out behind you.)

Wash was dodging the slash attacks from C.T. who was wielding her combat knives, then kicks her at the gut, causing her to land on her back before she got back and started throwing her knives which he jumped over and fired his battle rifle. 

Meanwhile, Maine was firing his Saw at Carolina who was running to avoid the gun-fire. She then pulls her magnum and shot the Saw off his hands. 

Maine then attacks Carolina's head, but she blocks it and shoots at Maine's head. Maine counters and headbutts Carolina, throwing her pistol away. Maine then tries to hit Carolina but she dodges it and pulls out her Humbler Stun Device. Both Maine and Carolina charge at each other. Maine tries to hit Carolina but she blocks it and stuns Meta multiple times. 

Carolina: (puts her Stun Device away) You forget I was number one on the leaderboard, Maine. You can't beat me.

Maine: We'll see about that. 

She throws it away and both begin to attack in hand-to-hand combat but Carolina blocks Maine's punch and starting to punch him multiple times but Maine blocked Carolina's last punch and punched her into the face and into the crotch. 

They both once again punch each other but Maine punches and back flips into Carolina's back and kicks her away. Maine then stands and walks towards fallen Carolina as he growls, she tries to pick up her pistol but Maine grabs her leg and smashes her down but Carolina kicks his face, gets up and walks towards the Maine as she kicks and knees him but Maine punches Carolina as he does a Superman punch, knocking her away.

Focus shifts once again to Church and Caboose as the Blue Team's leader aims his sniper rifle at Donut.

Caboose: Church, how do I help?

Church: Just stay there, Caboose.

Church fires a shot that misses the lightish-red soldier before Donut tauntingly dances as Church misses every subsequent shot before the grenadier throws a grenade at the two Blues.

Caboose: I want to help!

Church: Help by not helping!

In anger, Church throws his sniper rifle on the ground and switches to his magnum instead.

Church: Goddamn it! This rifle is busted!

Unfortunately for the cobalt sniper, Caboose proceeds to pick up the sniper rifle while ignoring Church's prior rebuttals for help.

Caboose: Help has arrived.

Church: Caboose! NO!!!

Church is too late as Caboose fires the sniper rifle, the round hitting Tex's head as her lifeless body falls to the ground.

Carolina/Washington: TEX!!!

Church: TEX!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Naturally, Caboose uses his go-to excuse in an attempt to deflect blame.

Caboose: Tucker did it.

The bullet, still moving, ricochets off Red base and a few rock formations as Church and Caboose keep track before the bullet hits Donut in the head and continues to end Carolina, Maine, South, C.T., and Wash's lives as well until the bullet whizzes over Sarge's head. Realizing what is about to happen, Church grumbles one last profanity.

Church: Son of a bi-

Church's last words are cut short as Caboose's bullet ends his leader's life once again, leaving Caboose and Sarge as the only remaining combatants. The two turn to look at each other, the Red commander slowly walking towards his final adversary.

Sarge: This is it. This is what it's all about. Red vs Blue. Blood vs water, which is really just lifeless, tasteless, waste-of-space blood. Destiny awaits! Today, the cerulean devil dies!

A teleporter opens up as it spits out the grenade Tucker threw at the start of the battle, which comes to a stop at Sarge's feet. Sarge stops to look down at the grenade, before looking back at Caboose.

Sarge: Well, should've seen that coming.

The grenade goes off as it blasts Sarge backwards, ending the Super Colonel's life.

Sarge: Blegh.

Caboose is left as the victor and sole survivor, before the rain he spoke about prior to the battle starts to fall on Blood Gulch.

Caboose: Good thing the flag is out.

RESULTS:

DB Announcer: KO!

Boomstick: What a battle! Who knew weather was so important?

Wiz: As chaotic as the show we all know.

Sambamhaw: Okay, so the Reds had plenty goin' for 'em. They had brains, strength, agility, and speed on their side with Maine, South, C.T., and Simmons. And they had some epic firepower, but the Blue Team had the grit to overpower 'em.

Tony 341: Carolina's mastery of martial arts let her hold her own and her use of equipment allowed her to match and even counter The Meta's. 

Wiz: And when it comes to physical strength, nobody on the Red Team except for Maine came close to the raw power of Tex and Caboose.

Boomstick: Flippin' Sheila, throwing a Warthog, and lifting Andy made that pretty clear. Hell, Sarge even tried to lift Andy once and he couldn't do it. Poor guy. Even with such charisma, leadership qualities, and big dad energy, you can't win 'em all.

Sambamhaw: Speaking of which, it could be argued that Sarge has more extensive military experience than anyone else. However, Carolina, Maine, Wash, C.T., South, and Tex's Freelancer training was far more intensive than standard military issue.

Tony 341: Just look at what Tex did to the Reds before. She's a monster!

Wiz: Not to mention she technically had two lifetimes of training, being a copy of Allison and all.

Boomstick: Yeah, her lame programming meant she couldn't win the fight by herself, but her blue teammates picked up the slack. Tucker even got some Freelancer training in, too, thanks to Agent Washington, and could hold off a platoon of mercs all by himself.

Tony 341: No one ever said he wasn't good at solo activities. 

Sambamhaw: Oh, and in the fight between tanks versus cars, tanks generally win. I mean... that one's pretty obvious.

Wiz: The Red Team may have been extremely resilient, mostly thanks to aggravating stubbornness, but it wasn't enough to survive the stellar skill and the brute force of Blue Team.

Boomstick: Ah, if only they could've "Red" that they'd end up with a case of the Blues.

DUMMI then appears from the teleporter.

DUMMI: That's even without releasing the obviously superior power of artificial intelligence units.

Boomstick: Y'know, DUMMI, ya ever wonder why YOU'RE here?

DUMMI: All the time.

Sambamhaw: The winner is the Blue Team.

I hope you liked this Death Battle scene, because more will appear soon. If you have any requests of you want to see next, let me know at the comments below. Peace out!