October

      I felt restless giving Dan time. This went on for a couple weeks. I had no idea how much time was appropriate to give, so I had no idea when to stop giving it. Even if Dan was as awful as Kiwi said, I wanted to be able to get to know him and decide he was awful for myself.                                                                                          

I'll pick this back up a day toward the end of October. I sat at my desk, in homeroom, looking at all of the kids shoving their Ziploc bagged cereal in their wide open traps and asking each other if they saw whatever piece of shit about teen struggle was on television the night before. They didn't have a care in the world. I wished I could remember what that was like.

I snapped out of my stupor and noticed Kiwi, up at my teacher's podium; laughing hysterically about who knows what. I stood up to gather my things when Kimberly, a girl in the A row, turned and looked up at me. I didn't mind her; we'd gone to grade school together and spoke here and there. She was the grade overachiever and tried to copy my makeup. She also always hung around with Adam in eighth grade, when I couldn't get to him. I never fully forgave her for that.
"Are you and Kiwi dating? You guys are always together."
She was almost watering at the mouth, awaiting my response. I was expecting her to laugh and say she was joking, but she didn't.
T: "...Are you yankin' my chain, Kim? He's my friend. Why are you with your girlfriends all the time? Are you a lesbian? Conceited man-child isn't really my type."
I left her with what I thought was a sufficient answer, as I headed for the door. I couldn't believe anyone would think we were dating, like I would ever date someone so cocky, that thought they were the chosen one. Clearly, I was the chosen one. We couldn't both be.

   
I noticed Kiwi fiddling with four oversized pins, as we made our way down the hall. He dropped one and I saw it was a picture of him, in his football uniform, posing with a football.
T: "That's pretty queer. What's it for?"
K: "The whole team gets them. They're for our families to wear to the games."        
T: "...Gimme one."
K: "I can't, I only have four. I have to give them to my mom, aunt, brother and grandma."
T: "Your grandma doesn't need one. She's gonna die before me; I have more time to get your monies worth."     
K: "...You have a point."
We stopped for a second, as he pinned one to my sweater vest.
T: "I'm trying this new thing called pretending I give a shit and supporting my friends."

    
When we got down to the cafeteria, I could see through the glass doors that everyone was already in there.
T: "What the hell is this?"
K: "Dammit! I forgot we had an early meeting." 
T: "What am I supposed to do!?"
K: "I dunno, Prissy Princess. Whatever you used to do before you hung out with me."
He laughed as if he knew what I was thinking: that I couldn't remember anything before him. I'd spent over a year without him and it was all just a blank.
I swore I could remember him standing in the hospital room when I was born, like I never lived a day without him. I was still deep in thought, as he disappeared through the doors and into the sea of choir kids.

    I looked through the rows for Dan, until I found him, already looking at me. I watched his mouth slowly form into a smile, as he waved at me.

     I was ecstatic for the rest of the day. He wouldn't have acknowledged me if he didn't know who I was or wanted nothing to do with me. That confirmed that my mom was right. He just needed time to brave up to me. Everyone knows you don't smile at people you aren't madly in love with. I wanted to tell Kiwi but I didn't see him the rest of the day nor was he waiting for me in the art room. I was concerned but took it as an opportunity to get things done that I couldn't accomplish with him bothering me.

     I didn't hear from him until 3:00 A.M., when my phone went off, waking me up. I knew it was no use getting angry and bitching at him for it anymore. He would continue to do it anyway. I found out he'd skipped school to go with his friends and get alcohol for some party one of them was having...the same party that he was now calling me from; drunk and needing a ride. I was furious. Not only because he'd gotten trashed, neglecting to think about how he was getting home but also because upon arriving, I found the party was being held two streets over from his own house. I had driven twenty minutes to chauffer him one minute up the street. On the other hand, I considered the fact that a cop could've driven by and he could've gotten arrested for public drunkenness, if he walked home. It would've been hard to talk to Dan from a jail cell. Gas money well spent.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of my mother's howling laughter. It was Saturday. I had nowhere to be and I wanted to sleep, seeing as I hadn't gotten to bed until after 4:00 in the morning. I remember laying back down and closing my eyes, swearing I heard Kiwi's muffled voice echoing through the house, but decided it was one of Daddy Dan's friends stopping by. This was getting bad. I was actually hearing him in my sleep.

    I heard my phone go off a few minutes later, with a text from my mom telling me to come downstairs. I assumed she'd bought me a present, so I groggily dragged myself out of bed and wandered down the stairs, hoping I'd guessed the right room to venture into.

        
    As I entered the breakfast nook, I almost passed the hell out and died all over the place. Kiwi was sitting at the table with my mother. I had no idea how he knew where I lived. I saw an empty syrup-filled plate in front of him, suggesting she'd made him breakfast, which she rarely did for me. Worse than any of those previously mentioned things, I noticed she'd given him my last juice box.

     They both looked up at me and smiled, like this was totally legal.        
K: "Morning, Princess."
T: "What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?"
K: "Did you know Pen will tell you anything for a bottle of wine? Thank God my parents didn't drink it on their wedding day."
T: "Get out!"
M: "Taylor Ashley! That's no way to treat guests!" She turned back to Kiwi, with an apologetic face.
M: "I'm sorry, Kiwi. She can be such an asshole."
K: "I'm aware; I try not to hold it against her. She just needs prayer."
M: "Amen."
T: "Seriously!?"
M: "I have to go to the store, so you two play nice. If it turns violent, don't get blood on my Persian rugs."
She vanished out of the room, leaving us alone.

Kiwi got up and put his plate in the sink, then slowly made his way over to me with a sly smile; like he was satisfied he'd successfully angered me. He took my arms and draped them around his neck, knowing I wouldn't hug him of my own free will.
T: "I'm still hoping you're a hallucination."
K: "I came over to apologize for last night. I was a total douche bag, but I'll make it up to you. Come to my game tonight."
I felt him snake his arms around my waist. I found this pretty forward of him, just assuming I wanted him to touch me. I didn't stand like this with any of my other guy friends, but the way he acted like it was so normal, made me decide to not draw attention to it or make it a big deal. Maybe this was some sort of social custom I wasn't aware of.
T: "...How is that you making it up to me?"
K: "I'm letting you stare at me in tight pants for two hours. Possibly three, if we go into overtime. You're welcome."
T: "I'm stunned by what a dick you are...it is truly amazing."
K: "I'm multi-talented. Seriously, I'm sorry for yesterday. I just wanted to be a gentleman and apologize in person. I gotta get my brother's car back to him; I've been here for over an hour already. Try to come tonight."
T: "Over an hour!?"
He smacked my ass and ran down the hall toward the front door.
T: "Do you try to piss me off on purpose!?"
K: "You're hot when you're mad!"
I heard the door slam behind him.

       
     I noticed something moving in my peripherals, as my mom poked her head out from behind a doorway.
T: "I thought you left?"
M: "No way, I wasn't missing this. Is that the guy you're on the phone with every night? He's a total cutie pie and he's a fucking riot. Why don't you date him and forget Dan?"
T: "I don't need to hear this from you too. We don't like each other and I don't wanna date him."
M: "Whatever, Taylor. Mark my words, if you keep chasing Dan and let him go, all hell is gonna break loose. Mark 'em."
I started back upstairs, without giving her words another thought.
M: "Want me to buy you a hammer and chisel while I'm out?"
T: "For what?"
M: "To mark."
T: "Fuck off, Patti."
M: "Even if I fuck off over the hill and through the woods, shit's still gonna hit the fan."

    I decided to take Kiwi up on his offer. Not because I gave a shit about his tight pants, but because Dan would be there. Pen picked me up in her neon lime green Jeep, even though I was still mad at her for giving Kiwi my address. She never let me drive; she always wanted to play the taxi. Conserving gas money was nice but maybe not at the expense of my life. She had a horrible habit of going forty miles over the speed limit, slamming her breaks on too late and the year prior, she got in a car accident because "the red light looked kinda green" and she went right through it and got t-boned. Those were her exact words too, I swear.

      
     The game was at our rival public school, so Pen wasn't as familiar with the parking lot. She raced a minivan to a prime parking space, paying no mind to the pedestrians throwing themselves out of her way. T: "Are you outta your fucking mind!?"
P: "What!? I got a good spot! Now you don't have to walk a long way in your Christian Leblowjob stilettos."
T: "I'm wearing sneakers, you moron! You almost killed that lady in the wheel chair. She barely had enough time to roll out of your way!"
P: "She's already in a wheel chair! How much more damage could I do!?"

     
    We wandered around the outskirts of the field and up the bleachers; sitting near the top to get a good view. I saw Kiwi on the side lines, standing around and talking. I found out he didn't actually "play" football. He was too lazy to learn the plays but they still let him come to practice, wear the uniform and stand on the field with the rest of the team.
It was like he sensed I was there, as he turned around and our eyes met immediately. He frowned as he grabbed the kid next to him by the collar, and pointed to his pin. I reached in my purse and waved the pin in the air, to show him I had it with me. He smiled and threw the kid on the ground.

       
    Pen yanked at my sweater, as I secured the pin to my person.
P: "Look over there! It's your best friend."
Usually when someone says that, it's someone you'd like to leave for dead in a ditch. Seeing as I felt that way toward 95% of the human population, I had no idea who to expect.
I turned to have my eyes stricken by the sight of Alexis, sitting only six feet of empty space away from me. I couldn't believe I was that oblivious to my surroundings that I didn't see her there when we picked these seats.

     She hadn't noticed us, as far as I could tell. I wasn't even sure why she hated me so much. Kiwi probably spoke to hundreds of girls on a daily basis. I'd even left him alone for a whole year. I saw no reason for her to hate me more than any other girl he came in contact with.
P: "We have to mess with her. We can't just let her sit there and enjoy herself. The good lord said, "Thou shalt not seeth a bitch and not fucketh with her."
T: "If it's the word of the lord, our hands are pretty much tied. Go ahead."

    She cleared her throat and sat up straight, like she was at a fancy tea party and had some real intellectual shit to say. I knew to just let her go and follow suite.
P: "Taylor! I just love your pin, darling. Wherever ever did you get such a thing!?"
Her dad's side of the family was from Great Britain, and while she didn't have an accent, she unleashed an impeccable English accent that the queen would be jealous of, for the occasion. She was so obnoxiously loud, it was obvious what she was doing. She winked at me to ice her cake.
T: "Thank you, my dearest Jessica! If you absolutely must know, Kiwi gave it to me!"
We both watched Alexis take the bait and glare at us. I noticed she looked like she'd gained a few pounds; not that she was ever a beauty queen. She was cute, I guess, on a good day. She had long dark hair and nice skin, so she didn't wear much makeup. She was pale and looked like she needed Chap Stick to give her lips some color. She was my exact opposite, as I was tan, blonde and painted my face up like a Barbie doll.

  
    I whipped my eyes away from her, trying to salvage any notion that we hadn't done that on purpose, after I'd caught a glimpse of her sickened face. I felt like I was riding a unicorn through an enchanted forest; it was that satisfying. I heard her whisper to the girl next to her, "I knew he'd go running right to that bitch."

My glory was cut short, when I noticed Dan run off the field, to the side lines. He whipped off his helmet and started scanning the crowd. I pretended to stretch my arms over my head, so he would see me. He stopped scanning when our eyes locked and the staring contest commenced. He clenched his teeth, as he concentrated on me, like he was trying to tell me something with his eyes; illuminated by the stadium lights. His stare was animalistic, like he wanted to rip my clothes off. Slurp.

Then, just like every other time, one of the other boys ran over and hit him on the back, breaking our connection; as Dan turned to talk to him. I wondered if he'd told his friends about me or if I was his dirty secret...or so unimportant that I wasn't worth sharing.

     When the buzzer sounded for half time, I decided my work there was done. Dan had been on and off the field constantly, leaving no time for another staring contest. Even Alexis had left, so I didn't need to be concerned about her disrupting my minion in training and poisoning his mind in my absence. 

    I saw Kiwi leaning against the field fence, as Pen and I made our way toward the parking lot. Admittedly, he did look good in those pants. I was going to walk right by him for the sake of keeping them apart, but noticed Pen run ahead of me and push Kiwi, full force, in the back.
P: "Hey, fuck face! I could barely keep track of how many touchdowns you made. I had to start counting on my toes."
He tried to open the gate but it was stuck, so he attempted to climb over the fence.
K: "You are such a bitch, Jess!"
P: "You made as many touchdowns as fucks I give."  K: "You're biggest slut muffin in the bakery! Get the fuck outta here!"
He chucked his helmet at her, as she toppled over in hysterics; grabbing the fence for support.
T: "Why do you guys have to fight?"
K: "She instigates it! Are you leaving? Just call the dog catcher to come get her and you can stay."
T: "You're lucky I stayed this long. Can you ask Dan if he answered me yet? He waved to me yesterday. He can't say he doesn't know me. I think he's had enough time."
K: "Sure...I'll ask."
T: "Thank you. I'll call you later."

I turned to follow Pen back to the car, when I heard the gate unlatch and felt him grab my hand.
I turned back to see what he wanted.
T: "What?"
K: "I wanted to...never mind. Get home safe."
He gave me a sad smile, before letting it go.

    When I got home, I ran inside to call Kiwi. I noticed my mom in the family room, with the local news on the television; laughing to herself. There was Kiwi and the majority of our grade, on camera, with a caption saying they'd won the game. They were back at our school, in the gym, holding signs and yelling inaudible things into the camera.

     I took out my phone and dialed his number. I watched him through the TV, as he stopped his yelling and jumping to check his phone. He looked around and slowly stepped off camera. His training was going very well. Lesson 44a: All activity ceased when I needed something.
I used to take it personally when someone didn't drop what they were doing and pick up when I called. I took it as them hating me and not wanting me in their life at all, so I'd send them all these nasty texts. I'm sure acting like that would make them not want me in their life at all, if they didn't already hate me. I'm better about it now, as I've learned to bite my tongue and only curse them on the inside.

    When he picked up, all I could hear was everyone screaming in the background.
K: "I'm on TV! Did you see me?"
T: "I did. Congrats on winning, no thanks to you. Did you talk to Dan?"
K: "I asked him if he answered you yet. All he said was, 'Why should I? I don't know her.' So, I asked why he waved to you, if he didn't know you. He said he never waved to you."
My nerves all malfunctioned at once, leaving me feeling like I was being cremated alive. My ears started ringing and my stomach felt like it had turned itself inside out. I knew everything Dan told Kiwi was a lie. There was no one in that hallway but me. He couldn't have been looking or waving at anyone else. I tried to put myself in his shoes, knowing talking to someone you like is scary. I was just as scared as him, having someone else do it for me instead of marching up to him myself. If he did have a problem, he could be too overwhelmed to communicate with me and tell me the truth. I knew my grandiosity would work against me one day; scaring off everyone.

    I should've taken the 'why should I' as a no. He was just being an asshole, at this point. I should've chucked it in the fuck-it-bucket and walked away, but his actions told a completely different story and everyone always says actions speak louder than words.
T: "He wouldn't tell you anything. He's probably too embarrassed. I wouldn't tell you if I messaged someone I liked."
K: "Why do you always get so upset over him? I don't think you're telling me the truth. I can understand being bothered by him staring at you and wanting to know why, but I don't understand what that has to do with you needing him to answer you. Why are you so persistent if he's just bugging you? Do you like him? Be honest."
T: "I don't know. Maybe kinda..."
K: "You maybe kinda like him?"
T: "Oh my God! Yes, I like him, ok!? Are you happy now?"
K: "Why didn't you just tell me?"
T: "Because it's embarrassing! He's weird and two years younger than me. I don't wanna talk about this. I'll just call you tomorrow."

    I hung up and got in bed, frustrated. I was angry at myself that I'd cracked so easily and angry at Dan for being such a dick. I wished he knew what he was doing to me and my health. I wished he knew he made me feel like I was burning alive in a perpetual hell, so maybe he'd feel bad and stop fucking with me.

        I did this thing when I was upset, where I'd put my headphones on and pretend I was staring in a dramatic musical. All the anger or sadness I felt was all to play the character and wasn't actually happening to me. I'd make up different plots and storylines to fit however I felt that day and imagine these big theatrical sets and costumes, all for the show. I starred in alotta plays that year, as you can imagine. I was learning to rely on myself that no matter what kind of corner Dan backed me into, I always thought up something else. I had a mental Mary Poppins bag of tricks and solutions. There was always something deep down there, even if it looked empty.

                                          *

🦔👈🏼 Here's a porky-pine.
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