Chapter 16
THE STARS DID not grant Devora any of their radiance that night.
Though the windows of her new bedroom were large and offered a clear view to the outside world, Devora felt like a fish trapped inside a tank, only ever allowed to explore the limited confines. She could always look out to the great ocean below but never she will never be allowed to head back into nature's embrace. When trapped in a cage and disallowed any chance to breathe, she could only boil in a pot of her own dark thoughts. The lid was covered and she couldn't worm her way out even if she wanted to.
As Devora laid in bed, white sheets haphazardly tossed around in a mess, her mind raced with countless thoughts bred from the guilt embedded in her heart. It wasn't just the men that she had encountered and assisted Nathan to kill while in the forest that messed with her mind. Although she was in no way at fault, the haunting pictures found in the file Julius Cain had shown her also brought discomfort to her heart. Every ticking second that sounded from the clock in the room only helped her to remember that she was trapped in a building full of murderers that killed for a living.
That reminder alone was enough for her to squirm with unease.
Even though the stars weren't glowing in the sky, the moon still did its fair share of work. There was a stream of gleaming moonlight that shone through the large windows of her room. The glass touched both the ceiling and the ground, allowing Devora a perfect and unobstructed view of the bustling city below her. The main building she was in was a short distance away from the main hubbub but the lights could still be seen from where she was.
Getting paired with Nathan also meant that she now had to room with him as well. Julius Cain closed his eye on the norms and found no fault with shoving two people of opposite genders in the same room together. If it were any other dormitory, perhaps they would've thrown a fit. However, there was nothing ordinary about how Julius Cain operated things. He made that quite clear with his bizarre introduction.
The room they shared was spacious enough to be a small apartment in itself. There were two super-single beds, two desks, two closets, a bathroom, and a small kitchen area. Both beds were placed near the glass windows, allowing a perfect night-time view of the world outside. According to how Nathan had explained it, the windows were one-way mirrors; occupants of the building could look out but the world outside would be blind to what happened inside. Hence, there was no worry about the invasion of privacy. In fact, it would be hard for the people on the streets below to look up at the level they were at. Their room, along with most other dorms, were located at the upper half of the building while the lower half was dedicated to community areas and offices that belonged to small-time staff members.
Just across the room, Nathan was asleep in his own bed. It was well past midnight and they hadn't had proper rest for a long time. It was no surprise that he had fallen asleep almost immediately after climbing under the covers. Nathan's feather-light snores drifted across the room, the sound barely audible if it weren't for the pin-drop silence that enveloped them.
Usually, miscellaneous sounds like such would help Devora relax. She loved the small sounds the world could provide. It didn't matter if it were distant car horns, birds chirping, or the rain hitting the window panes in a rhythmic beat. Even the continuous whirring of a fan or murmurs in a distance helped to ease her heart rate and calm her down. To any other person, perhaps these white noises would be considered a nuisance. For Devora, it served as a reminder that she wasn't alone in this world like how some people had conditioned her to think.
Having noises around her meant that she lived in a world where others dwelled. Perhaps somewhere out there, there were friends and people that she could count on in the near future. It was humbling and comforting to know that the world had more than just herself.
In the dark, the room was only illuminated by the silver light from the moon. Devora couldn't really see Nathan's face from where she laid — since their beds were positioned so that the foot of one bed met the other — but she had an inkling that he was still asleep. What she hadn't expected was that Nathan was prone to sleep-talking. So when she heard him speak all of a sudden, Devora jumped a little in surprise due to the broken silence.
"Mom..." Nathan grumbled in his sleep, his voice on the hoarser side. "I'm... —ming home soon..."
Following his words, Devora could hear the soft rustling of bedsheets. Nathan must've shifted in bed in search of a more comfortable position. When it quietened down, he sighed contentedly before the room was plunged back into silence.
Devora peeked over her covers, squinting her eyes so that they could see better in the dark. Hidden in the shadows, Nathan's sleeping figure was just a small hill tucked under the blankets. He was wrapped snugly, reminiscent of a baby tucked under the covers. Seeing that he was soundly asleep again, Devora crawled out of bed, her bare toes treading over the carpet as she made her way towards the window. Sitting down right in front of the glass, she pressed the left side of her body against it, leaning her body weight as she stared out into the night.
"I wonder if you can hear me tonight," she murmured under her breath, calling out to the only friends she knew.
As usual, there was no reply. It was no surprise. After all, the audience was burning balls of light that had died millions of years ago. They were in no position to speak but Devora didn't care. Their silence was what made them good listeners. Some people might point fingers at her and call her insane but what they couldn't understand was that speaking to herself in hopes the stars could hear her was the only way she could preserve her sanity.
"I don't know what to do again. Now I'm in a foreign land with people that operate on different ideals. I stayed to survive but I'm starting to wonder if I'm just prolonging my own torture."
"They can't hear you, you know. They're not even in the skies tonight."
Startled by the broken silence, Devora jolted in surprise. Her head whipped over to the direction of the speaker, her hand placed over her heart as her jaw slacked. Sitting up with a hand slung over his knee, Nathan was now fully awake. He sat on his bed, just near enough to hear each other without screaming but far enough to keep in their personal bubbles.
"And how would you know?" She pouted. "You can't speak for them."
"No, I can't." Nathan shrugged, climbing off the bed before shuffling across the carpet to where Devora sat. Plopping down to sit right next to her, Nathan, too, leaned against the window, staring out at the starless night sky. "But call it an educated guess."
"Neither can your family when you call out to them in your sleep," she silently thought to herself, careful not to utter the words out loud.
Instead, she chose to phrase those abrasive words in a nicer way. Now that they were roommates and partners, it no longer mattered that Nathan was the one that had dragged her into this life. After all, he was simply following the orders of someone more powerful. If she was going to make it out of this chapter of her life alive, she had to start making a few allies that she could depend on in the future. That journey should start out with the person she would have to interact with the most.
"You talk in your sleep, you know." Her eyes, fiercely glinting in the dark, remained glued on Nathan's face. She kept quiet for a short second, observing his facial expressions to see if there were any signs of his innermost thoughts that had leaked onto his face. "You're always calling for people."
"Oh?" Nathan sounded, his lips forming a small 'o' shape. However, he didn't seem surprised even in the least. "Is that so?" Leaning forward, Nathan stretched out his left leg. His right leg was bent at the knee, forming a raised angle for him to rest his elbow on, his chin sitting in his palm, and his head inclined slightly to a side. "What did I say exactly?"
"Your mother..." Devora trailed off, speaking slowly. "You were talking to her in your dreams just now."
Nathan remained still, watching Devora with wide eyes almost as if he was waiting to see where she would bring the conversation.
Devora was always quiet. It was something she both loved and hated herself for. While it was a handicap in helping her make friends, being a peaceful observer meant that she could see through a lot of tiny little cracks that form on people's masks. After all, the silent ones knew the most. Instead of busying themselves with speaking, they were the shadows that notice and decrypt each action and word. So when forced to be the one offering words in the conversation, Devora wasn't sure how to juggle both tasks. She wondered if Nathan would manage to give her a slip and run away, facade intact.
"She can't hear you. Not the real her, at least. But you don't care about that when you're asleep. In your dreams, she can hear you, maybe even offer a reply or two. So it doesn't matter what reality is, sometimes, but rather only what we believe in. It keeps our sanity in check in an insane world."
This time, although Nathan still remained wordless, a small smile had cracked upon his lips. Devora took it as a sign to continue preaching her point.
"The things and people we speak to can't hear us but we do it anyway. Just because it makes us feel better." On her lap, Devora's fingers intertwined together. Her thumbs rubbed against each other, fidgeting anxiously. "The stars had always been my friend. Unlike humans, they listen unconditionally to my every complaint, my every joy, my every sadness. Since they aren't real and they're mere balls of fire lightyears away, they won't ever call me names or dismiss my woes whenever I'm confiding in them."
"I guess it is a defense mechanism after all." When Devora looked up from her lap, Nathan was no longer silently grinning. Instead, his face was downcast, a melancholic shadow cast over his eyes. "Yeah... I guess I know what you mean."
In the darkness of that night, despite the stars' absence, Devora managed to get the weight off her chest. The moon in the sky was a mere waning crescent moon, barely enough to light up the sky as effectively as a full moon could. However, there was a new source of brightness that Devora found in her new friend.
Nathan had betrayed her trust once. When she thought he was a knight in shining armor, he was actually an executioner bringing her to the stage. Now, once more, he had his hand stretched out for Devora to take. In a dark world all alone, Devora didn't care that the only lifeline that reached out to her was a pair of poisoned hands. If there was someone willing enough to walk by her side, it was enough for her.
For now, Nathan, just like her, had no family in this world that he could depend on. There was no way for them to know whether their families were safe and vice versa. That was something Devora could empathize with. They were just two lonely souls thrown into a barren wasteland, fighting for survival in hopes of finding the oasis one day.
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