Tw: Painkillers, description of sickness, vomiting, overdose mention. Sorry if the beginning is a bit disgusting but I like to keep my fics realistic and I have a lot of first hand experience with overdosing sooo

Remus was laying cuddled up next to Remy. Their arms were wrapped around his torso and their quiet snoring was the only sound in the room. It was nearing half past 1 am but he couldn't sleep for even a moment.

He'd moved away from the warm embrace his friend had had around him. For once they were actually sleeping soundly and he didn't want to wake them.

It had all started a few hours before. First the exhaustion came, the extreme one. The kind that etched into his bones and didn't let go until his eyelids were heavy from being open. Then all his movements and sounds became slower, it was like his life was a movie played at half the speed. Then his heart beats became just as slow, so slow it felt like it could stop beating any second now.

He'd been so tired, so so tired. So he waved goodnight and snuggled up under the blankets. He hoped he would fall asleep quickly and everything would be fine. He hoped he would fall asleep quickly and disappear into his dream for forever.

But no sleep came to him because the pain closely followed. A pain so bad all he could was clutch his stomach and hope it disappeared. A pain so bad he constantly shifted where he was laying so maybe he could escape from it by sleeping. A pain so bad so when he looked back at this night his brain would barely let him remember this moment so he didn't have to relive it.

When Remy came in at 1 am Remus was somewhat able to hold back whimpering and pretend like he was sleeping. They way they cuddled up to him and nuzzled into his neck almost made him feel better.

Now at 2 am it became too much. His mind was dizzy from how bad it hurt and his body ached so badly he doubted he could walk.

Finally the part of him begging for help won. He whined and shook Remy's shoulder to wake them up.

"Whhaa....what is it girl?" They asked while rubbing their eyes "Anotha nightmare? Need a hug?"

He shook his head and continued to whine. His hands were shaking and his forehead was sweaty. Suddenly everything came up into his throat, literally. He covered his mouth with his hands as his eyes widened from surprise.

Remy got the message and threw out a couple of swear words as they quickly got up from the bed and ran out of the room. They came back with a bucket that was usually kept in a bathroom cabinet. The two of them had had some cheap pizza for dinner and now half of that came down into the bucket.

Remus sunk back down onto the pillow. He breathed heavily while wiping away some gross stuff with his shirt sleeve. For a moment the pain stopped and he thought it had ended but he was never that lucky was he. It came back even worse. His throat was burning up and his heart beat was racing.

"Girl you okay?" Remy asked while patting his shoulder.

He tried to force a smile and nod but instead a whimper came out and a new wave of nausea took over. He leaned his body over the edge of the bed and moved the bucket closer.

2

3

4

He tried to keep count of how many times everything came up. The pain made everything blurry. He was barely aware of Remy fuzzing over him.

5

There was no food left in him. The only thing left was water and other fluids. His throat was being destroyed over and over by stomach acid.

6

He clutched the pillow as if it was a plushie as he tried to breath. He never meant for it to end like this. He just wanted to sleep.

7

He shakely wrote into the text to speech app 'There's nothing left I can't stop but there's nothing left' The only thing coming up was stomach acid but his body just continued to wretch and wretch for something that wouldn't come.

"I know" Remy responded in a soft tone while combing the hair out of his sweaty forehead.

8

He wanted to cry from the horrible pain but he had no water left to give.

9

He got so delirious he shakily typed into the text to speech app 'He would make me beg for my life as if my existence was a joke and if he stopped laughing the joke and my life was over' Remy tried to ask him about it but he didn't respond.

10

It felt like he was dying. For 3 hours straight he was sure that he was about to die and that was the best thing about it.

11

Eventually he lost count of how many times he'd thrown up. It must have gotten up to 20 at least but he couldn't focus. He continued to whine and wretch and try to find the position that would make him the least nauseous.

He had just wanted to sleep not this not this. Why couldn't his body let him sleep, why did he have to wake up. Why couldn't his body let him decay.

Somehow, somewhere in it all he finally stopped. It was 5am and almost the moment he stopped throwing up he passed out from sheer exhaustion.

..-. .- .. .-.. ..- .-. .

When Remus woke up the sun was blaring in through the window and he was tangled up in the bed sheets. The tv could be heard playing on a low volume in the other room. It was 1 pm and his body wouldn't let him die.

The pain returned because of course it did. It was a little bit better and his throat didn't hurt as much but he still doubted that he would be able to walk on his own. He whined and tapped the wall until Remy peaked in through the door.

"Oh good god girl I'm glad you're awake" They sighed as they moved to sit down next him "Feeling any better?"

He shrugged before whining. He scratched at his throat, it felt dryer than sand in a desert.

"Water?" He nodded frantically "Ehm like I looked it up and like it's best you like drink it with a spoon. Like bit by bit. Apparently if you take things too quickly everything is tots gonna come up again"

He pouted and whined ever louder.

"I getya but it's for the best. If nothing comes up you can upgrade to juice or something. You should probs get out of the bed. It looks....sweaty....blerhg. You need help walking? I mean you can't have much energy left"

He nodded and made grabby hands toward them. Remy carefully moved his arms around their shoulders and let him lean his head against their chest. They walked with him out into the living room and sat him down on the couch. They wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and patted his head. Even after all that he was still wearing the collar.

Remy turned on a show. 'Next in fashion'. It was about a bunch of different designers coming to compete for a bunch of money. It was the kind of show they would watch in an entire sitting on the days were they were so depressed they didn't have energy for anything else.

For Remus it was the perfect show for right now. It was so mindless and cute and filled with talented people he could let his brain rest and not have to think about anything for hours. if he focused hard enough the pain became a background blur.

Despite it all, despite the fact that the duke barely had the strength to lift the spoon to get some water in him the two of them had fun watching it. They theorized about the italian and the cute kind of bear guy being a couple. Remy ranked the guys from cutest to still cute but not as cute. Remus was betting on the tomboyish lesbian to win because lesbians are powerful and she had been paired up with one of the cutest (and gayest) guys. You could make a romcom out of that.

"Ok girl call me tasteless but Angel's and Minju's dress was not it, thank satan it didn't win. Like the cute gays deserved it" Remy said as the first episode ended.

'I think Marco and Ashton should have won' Remus typed out. They'd made an gala dress in black leather fabric.

"Babe I know you just think that cause you into that leather shit" They replied.

'true and because they're so pretty Marco could grind my toes through a meat machine to make sausages and I would thank him' He tried to ignore the 28 missed calls he'd missed as he typed it out.

"Why was Claire and Adolfo even safe??? Like they're dress was kind of y'know metallic garbage!" Remy got really into fashion shows, don't judge them. Remus patted their shoulder and nodded along.

After 4 more episode Remy stood up from the couch while saying "Aight I gotta go fix my hair cause even if I'm home I still need to be that bitch. Don't start the next episode without me!"

They went into the bathroom and stared into the mirror. They took off their sunglasses and to no surprise their eye bags were worse than usual and there was a headache from sleep deprivation looming over them.

They opened the mirror cabinet to take a painkiller for the headache but the pills were gone. That was weird, they could swear on buying 2 packages not to long ago. Remy shrugged and assumed their memory was simply bad.

When they were combing their hair a sight of blue caught their eye from the trash can. They looked down and saw that it was the two packages of painkillers. They were both empty. Remy felt a sick feeling of worry blooming up.

Remus looked up as two blue packages were thrown onto the couch table. When he recognized what it was his body tensed up which made pain jolt through him. He held out his wrists.

"I'm not gonna tie you up" Remy muttered while sitting down next to him. They hesitantly cupped his cheeks "I thought you got sick because of the pizza yesterday but..you made yourself sick didn't you?...this...you meant for this...for something worse to happen didn't you?"

Remus shut down. His mouth clamped up from fear and he refused to use the text to speech app. If he said anything he would probably make the whole situation worse and Remy would get mad and they would hit him and throw him out and Roman and Virgil were happy to live alone so he couldn't go back to them and he would be so cold and he would have to sleep on park benches an-

"Hey hey girl, I can see that you're zoning out" Remy interrupted his overthinking "Even if you did what I think you did I won't be mad. I just want you to be like okay"

He shook his head and tried to back away. He hit his hands against his head because he was stupidstupidstupidstudpidstupidstupistupidstupid.

You should have gone for the knife instead, get it over with easy and simple instead of being an attention whore. His intrusive thoughts whispered to him.

Remy's phone rang. They were close to ignoring it since they had a friend to take care of but after making sure Remus stopped hitting himself they looked who it was. It was Roman.

"Sup gal" They greeted with a fake happy tone.

"Oh finally someone who answers!" Roman exclaimed. His voice was filled with worry "Have you heard anything from Remus? Can you try to get in contact with him? If he answers just keep him talking okay? Okay! I've tried to call him but he won't answer and I don't even know where he is I mean with Patton g-gone I don't know how he's taken it or-"

"What? Why would I have to call him?" They asked.

Roman took a deep breath "I feel bad for saying this since I am completely ignoring his privacy but he sent" There was another pause because oh god he could barely breathe, panic and anger had planted a storm in his brain "I think he sent me a suicide note yesterday"

"Ro-" Remy tried to stop him from spiraling but he talked over them.

"I don't understand! First he's so happy to move in with Patton and then he stops talking to me and when I tried to message him he sent back that he never wanted to see me again and and I haven't seen him in months and now suddenly he could be dead! Why- How could he be so stupi-"

"ROMAN!" They yelled to stop him "Roman he's sitting next to me, he's fine...mostly but he's alive. Stop panicking"

It was quiet on the other side of the phone for a moment before he nearly whispered out "I.....Can I talk to him?"

"Yeah yeah of course" They handed the phone over while mouthing that it was his brother.

"DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" Roman yelled which made Remus wince "I hope to hell and back that this was one of your sick jokes because if you were actually serious about dying I will stab you with my sword. I will be selfish and demand that you stay around you idiotic dribble of a brother"

Remus stared down into the ground. Somehow the words hurt more than the entire night of pain prior.

"Do you know how many fucking hours I've been worrying about you??? Virgil have had to talk me down from like 2 panic attacks because you just had to make a joke out of me caring about you! I-I've already lost 1 friend this week I....I can't.."

At the end of the sentence Roman sounded like he was on the brink of tears.

"I care about you and I'm sorry if I've done something wrong to cause this or to cause you not speaking to me anymore but I would actually die for you and I'm sorry I'm this angry but I can't help it" Roman continued to rant.

At this point Remus was shaking like a leaf. He never meant to hurt him but he'd feared not saying goodbye would have hurt him more. Remy pulled him into light hug.

"Why aren't you saying anything? Shouldn't you have said some stupid sex joke by now? Or or laughed at me for actually believing your prank? Or tell me all the gross ways you could die on? Dukey say something"

He shook his head. His hands were shaking too much to type. He gripped onto the collar around his neck to try and calm down.

"Ehm he's kind of not speaking right now. He hasn't talked for a while" Remy explained "I dunno why, pretty sure it's cause of his broken wrist or something"

"What?" Roman's tone was one of confusion and defeat

"Look it's like a long story and I don't like want to say it unless Em allows me too and since he seems a little bit out of it I can't. But he's fine now okay, that's the most important part"

"No don't just say that. I want to know what's been going on" Roman demanded.

"As I said it's not my thing to tell and Remus is really fucking dissociated right now cause you yelled at him! I won't tell you shit unless he allows me to"

"I'm just trying to take care of him" Roman's voice was close to breaking "I'm his big brother by like 15 seconds so it's my task to make sure he isn't being harmed and I've been too late before and I don't want-"

"Well you were too late now as well" They bit off before hanging up.

Remus was sitting with his knees up to his chest while staring out into space. In his mind he was a brave duke who was on a mission to build the new frankenstein's monster. Reality had become too much and he'd practically been forced into daydream land.

He felt a hand on his shoulder that felt more like a leaf landing and somewhere miles away from him someone was talking but he wasn't in his body anymore, nothing connected to him. 

The duke walked among the graves. His eyes went over the words etched into the stone to find the freshest corpses. His monster had to be perfect. Maybe he could figure out which body parts were the best by taking a bite? He had always wondered how human meat tasted after all.

His shoulders were shaken harshly which forced him out of it. He blinked quickly to regain where he was. His gaze meet remy's green eyes and he screamed. He tried to cover his face with one hand while fumbling after his phone with the other.

'Im sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry-'

Remy tried to shush him but he didn't listen.

'Please dont hurt me Im alrady in pain I cant take it pleae wait until tomorow at lest pleas'

"Shh it's alright"They cooed while moving him into a hug. They leaned their chin on top of his head "You don't have to be anything more than alive right now. Just being that is enough. I won't be mad and I won't hurt you I promise"

They held back a flood of emotions as to not stress him out more. They were utterly heart broken that apparently they mattered so little to him he hadn't even thought about saying goodbye to them. They were enraged that he'd tried this again even though he'd promised never to try and escape again. Most of all they were guilty because maybe he'd tried to ask for help but they hadn't seen it.

"Why would you even do it? I-I....You said you wouldn't...I trusted you" They mumbled out.

Remus mind had broken a few days ago and it was the most peaceful moment of his life.

Suddenly everything clicked as his brain got split apart like a rabbit being torn apart as the fox eats it. His body wasn't real nor was the world around him. When he moved his hands they were actually a demon's claws interrupting on a world that wasn't his.

He could see his past and future clearly. There was something so calming knowing that he could die peacefully since nothing good was waiting for him in the future. He saw his existence dissolve into nothingness right before his very eyes.

The act of taking the 30 painkillers had been absolutely disgusting. Every time he took a sip of water his body wretched from the memory of forcing down 2 bottles of water alongside the pills. They had caught in his throat and made him gag until he forced them down with his fingers. But it was worth, it had to be worth.

But he'd failed.

And his body had forced him to stay and there was nothing he could do about it now.

'There was no point in continuing' Was the only thing he could type out. For once the robot voice the app had fit because he felt completely detached from reality 'Almost everyone I've loved have hurt me and I can't take going through the inevitable again'

"No point? NO point?" Remy nearly yelled it out "There is no fucking reason for you to ever claim that there is no point. I don't give a rats ass if you've come up with a 1000 different reasons because none of them are good enough, I can promise you that"

The duke tried to make himself as small as possible, every word felt so angry. He shook his head.

"Remus you....you're not built for pain, that's not what you're made for even if you think that's the only thing waiting for you" Remy moved their hands together and entangled their fingers "Don't you think there's a reason our hands fit together perfectly? That everyone's hands fit together as if holding each other was our only purpose. You're built to be cared for. You're made to be loved"

He opened his mouth to disagree but nothing came out.

"I love you" Remy admitted while squeezing his hands "You're my best friend and I love you more than anyone else on this earth. I've lost the ability to imagine a future without you"

Remus took a deep breath. He reached his hands up and carefully took off the collar. He laid it on the table. It felt like he could breath for the first time for months.

He gulped before responding "I....l-love you-u too"

Remy shone up into a grin at hearing his voice again. Sure he was sounding raspy and he was stuttering and all the usual energy in his voice was gone but he was speaking!

They pulled him into a hug and buried their face in his hair. He in turn stroked his hand up and down their back.

"You'll be alright, alright" Remy promised and they'd never been so sure on something before.

"A-alright"