*thinks about Logan singing soldier by Trixie Matell to Janus* Oh wow I'm soft

Tw: Mentions of past abuse in the beginning (I swear this chapter is fluffy)

Janus woke up screaming and sobbing. Which wasn't that unusual or at least not the sobbing part. He couldn't sleep without getting vivid dreams made up of memories that felt so real, so tangible. Usually he tried to keep himself to crying silently so he didn't wake Logan.

But this night the nightmare had felt so real when he woke up he was sure he was back in Patton's apartement. When Logan woke up and moved closer to him all he saw was Patton coming to slap him for being to loud. When Logan reminded him to breathe and calm down all he heard were Patton's words telling him that if all he did was whine and lie he might as well stay quiet.

"Please I'm tired I'm sorry but i don't I can't right now" Janus babbled out while covering his head with his hands.

Logan sat down next to him and calmly said....something. It was all lost to Dee. He heard vicious insults instead. He felt hands pinning him down and fingers digging in to deep to quickly.

Of course Logan was able to calm him down after a while, he always was but this was just one flashback in a group of tens and tens of flashbacks Janus had and would have. The fact that the only thing certain with his future was that he would continue to be stuck in the past made him want to sleep until everything was solved.

It was all so stupid. He couldn't hear the word cutie without tensing up and loud noises made him hide down under blankets. People baking cookies, animal puns and strawberry scented shampoo made him nauseous and it all made him feel like a giant oversensitive baby.

Logan told him it was trauma affecting him but all the so called traumatic memories were hazy like a cd which needed to be cleaned because right now the sounds kept being jumpy and nothing was able to be understood.

The bad things had happened to somebody that wasn't Janus and that somebody happened to be him. He'd never been connected to his body while it happened and his brain couldn't process the memories as it happening to him. His body remembered things his mind couldn't.

"Maybe it would feel better if you talked about it" Logan suggested one day after his friend had spent the entire day laying in the couch completely silent.

"I feel far too much shame to talk about it" he muttered back.

It was a deep sense of shame. Like someone had taken a knife and cut up a hole in him and filled it with shame, guilt and dirtiness and then sewn the hole up so none of it could escape him. All the sharp words were trapped inside of him and there was no way for them to come out. It was like his neck was filled with needles and if he opened up about what had happened the needles would puncture his throat.

Worst of all was that he missed Patton. He missed running his fingers through his hair and watching cartoons with him and getting to taste his new receipts.

He took a deep breath before quietly admitting "The worst part wasn't even the physical...a..abuse. Sure it hurts and they leave nightmares forever but bruises go away and scars fade" He traced the right side of his face.

Logan looked him up and down with pity.

"The worst part is getting grabbed by your shoulders and stared into the eyes and told that your body is under my authority now, I own it, you will never feel in control of your own body ever again, every time your fingers brush past your skin it will be my fingers you feel" Janus stopped and breathed for a moment before adding "Metaphorically I mean, he never literally said that, it just felt like it"

What more does a human have left after someone's taken their body away from them? What more could ever be taken after that?

"I wish I could take away all of your problems, I really do" Logan mumbled while fiddling with the end of his tie. For once he didn't know what to do.

The room was silent for a few moments before the taller man went up and rolled up the blinds which made Janus hiss "But staying in bed all day isn't good for you, that I know. The mind needs change of scenery and action to get serotonin" The nerd explained.

"My mind is already caving in, I don't think I can make it worse" He muttered back.

Lo sat down next to him and laid his hand against Janus's cheek while using his other hand to entangle their fingers "It's a common myth that kissing the part where the pain is coming from eases it so if I may?"

He didn't nod but there was a slight shift in his expression like a small muted yes, a longing for affection that wasn't followed by pain. Logan gently pressed a kiss to his forehead and when he saw Janus close his eyes and enjoy it he pressed a kiss to each of his fluttering eyelids.

Logan wanted to stay in that moment but he knew he couldn't. He slowly moved away and hesitantly let go of his hand "It would probably be good for you if you went outside, for just a little while at least"

"Right because the last time I went outside things turned out soooo well, I am so joyous over going on a walk just to be threatened by Remus. Surely one of the top 10 best experiences of my life followed right after getting my face- I mean getting this scar" He replied in an overly sarcastic tone while rolling his eyes.

He looked at his clock "Well I don't have anything planned for today so I could accompany you, if you'd like that of course"

"Oh no I would hate that" Janus lied.

An hour or so later their walk had gotten them to the big park in the middle of the city. It was a sunny day, at most a light jacket was needed. There was a lake in the park and during the summer people could hire paddle boats. Their were 2 types of boats, either duck looking boats or swan looking boats.

Logan had (after much persuasion) been able to convince Janus to hire a duck boat because he's going to lift his friend's mood damnit! According to his very serious and scientistical studies duck boats do in fact make people happier.

"What's this? Being trapped in a small space with another human being without any escape? Oh yes of course I love this, this is great, pushing all my good buttons definitely not making alarms go off in my head. Nooo never" Janus grumbled out while crossing his arms after a minute or so of paddling.

Logan moved away in his seat to give him space "We can turn back"

"What gives you the idea that I want that?" He took a deep breath to try and stop himself from lying "I can make an effort, we can stay"

Once they had come to the middle of the lake Logan got an excited look on his face. He shoot up from his seat and instead hunched down on his knees next to the edge of the boat. He stared down into the water. Janus hesitantly moved to sit down beside him.

"Look at the aquatic animals" The nerd said while pointing. 

The water was surprisingly clear which made it easy to see the small fishes swimming by near the surface. If he squinted he could see hints of bigger ones going down farer down. There were even a frog or two frogging along.

Janus didn't say anything in return. He simply looked at them while holding back a smile. Lo carefully moved his hands down to the water. A few seconds later he held up his cupped hands to show a small green frog he'd captured.

"That's an African dwarf frog!" The snake exclaimed. His eyes got large like a kitten's eyes when they look at something they like.

"If you don't mind me asking, how exactly do you know that?"

Janus scoffed while taking off his gloves "Such a mystery I know, It's not like I used to work at a zoo and I definitely haven't taken care of bastards like these"

He patted the frog on the head with his now ungloved hand. The animal made noises that sounded happy. Janus looked just as happy. He hadn't looked this happy in months. He wasn't the type to show his teeth when he smiled but his lips were moved up so far his dimples showed and his eyes were glimmering.

"You should probably put them back into the water now, don't want them getting dehydrated" Dee said after a while.

"Your smile is wonderful" Logan quietly murmured while putting the frog back down where it belonged.

"...You've seen it before, it's nothing" He mumbled out while dragging on his gloves once more.

"Well I've also seen my favorite star constellations before but I still think they're beautiful" He replied absentmindedly.

 It was a good thing that he was looking down into the water since otherwise he would have seen Janus' cheeks flush red. He couldn't believe he'd just been compared to Andromeda.

Logan leaned his arms against the edge of the duck boat with a longing sigh. He laid his head against his bare arms and looked out at the views. 

"The world is so unbelievable beautiful, it's really the only thing that can overwhelm me. Space is understandable, there are lots to explore but I can understand it all but the earth....it's beauty still leaves me breathless sometimes" He said.

Janus inched closer to him. He looked down into the water as he admitted that "Most of the time the entire world looks like hues of grey to me, or I'm not color blind so obviously I can see the colors but they're muddled. Everything feels grey now a days"

"That's understandable. How about I put it this way. There are 8,7 million different species of animals on earth, 1,2 million of them are animals. Isn't it amazing that all of them can exists in the same space? Scientists haven't even discovered all of them"

There was a passion in Logan's voice that usually wasn't there. Janus glanced over at him with a smirk.

"The mantis shrimp can see more colors than the human brain could even comprehend and yet the colors that we can see are already this....excuse me for not using proper language, this whole thing we're discussing is simply so utterly ineffable to me"

"No no I like the way you're talking. The things you're saying is definitely boring the life out of me" Janus lied at the second part "Even though I can't see it I can agree that the earth is pretty, but humans? We're kind of hmm shit"

"What?" Logan sat up from his comfortable position and looked into Janus' eyes while he said it "I understand why someone who comes from your kind of situation would think that but humans are one of the most beautiful parts. Think of that moment when you laugh for the first time together with a stranger, think of the warmth filling your chest. Think of the people who compliment inanimate objects under their breath. Think of the people who pour their soul into their arts even though it's in the end statistically pointless. Think of the scientists who worked to discover all those 8,7 million species. Think of the fact that humans have loved each other so much and for so long psychologists have created love languages"

He sighed once more while looking down into the ground. "Sorry for rambling" He whispered out.

"That's wonderful Lo" Janus answered with a smile.

"Thanks....You said you got that scar from a tiger and that's why you stopped working at the zoo, correct?" He asked while his finger went up to lightly trace along the lines of the scars that covered half of the other man's face.

"Yes" He lied.

"I think your scars are another beautiful thing, even though all of you admittedly is quite handsome, genetically it's simply like that in some way. Science" Logan nearly fumbled with his words there.

"Oh well thank you for the flattery"

"It's quite fascinating to me how your skin was completely turned up and destroyed but then it fought to rebuild itself from the ground up even though it must have been hard, and now there's simply a scar left. That's amazing" The nerd said.

"I feel like there's a metaphor in there somewhere" Janus replied with a dry tone.

Logan leaned closer to take a closer look on the star tissues. So close so that Janus could feel his breathing meet his cheek. The nerd was thinking about the science behind how cells rebuilds itself while the snake was focusing on how not to make it apparent that he was blushing from embarrassment or that he'd tensed up from being touched.

Janus looked up only to quickly look down again. He moved away from the other man while taking off his hat and hiding his face behind it as he mumbled out "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"

"What is it?" Lo asked. He got a finger pointing out into the lake as a response.

He squinted his eyes and was able to see another duck boat proceeding. When he looked closer he saw purple hair and an annoyingly bright red shining from a jacket. It was Virgil and Roman and if they came any closer they would definitely spot them.

"Are you sure Patton hasn't lied to them about everything? I don't want another Remus situation" Janus hissed out while scrambling over to a corner of the boat to hide.

"Last time I checked I don't spy on either of them nor do I have a telepathic connection to them so no I cannot know for sure but I doubt it" Lo responded while trying to look casual (he failed miserably).

"Great! That makes me feel soooo reassured" He crossed his arms and looked away.

"HI! HI! SPECS! IT'S ME! THE ROYALLY HANDSOME ROMAN!" it's pretty easy to figure out who yelled that from the other duck boat. 

Janus felt a massive Bitch of headache come in the moment he heard Roman's voice. He tried to make himself as small as possible so that maybe there was a chance no one would see him.

Roman waved at him but he stopped waving when he locked eyes with Janus. He ducked down and quickly stomped down onto the pedals so the boats nearly collided. When they were close enough he stood up and leaped over the small distance of water to get over to their boat. Without hesitation he pulled Janus into a tight hug. It was such a strong hug he was pulled up on his feet.

"I've missed you! You big cuddle snake!" He exclaimed while spinning him around.

"HI HI! You edgy phantom of the opera looking fucker!" Virgil shouted from the other boat "I'm not coming over cause I'm pretty sure if 4 people are on one of these tiny duck things it will break and I actually have brain cells so I'm staying here"

When Janus was let out of the hug he immediately scrambled back until he nearly fell down into the water. He only calmed down when Logan moved to stand next to him, Lo placed his hand on his shoulder and it felt instantly made him feel safe.

"Oh gosh we have so much to catch up on!" The prince exclaimed while flapping his hands around "Like the new live action Disney movie which I know you will hate and all the moments of me being a dumbass you've missed or why you're on a date with Logan"

Janus and Logan immediately took a step away from one another "We are not on a date this is a friendly outing" The nerd objected.

"Well IIII've heard from a lil birdy who never sleeps that you two live together nooowww sooo" He made childish kissing noises while leaning closer.

"Tell that birdy to go choke and to not tell anyone else that" Dee hissed out while hoping that Remy stepped on lego.

"We're roommates nothing more" Logan assured.

"Omg they were roommates" Virgil gasped, Roman nodded along as if he'd just said something very wise.

"If you two don't shut up I will jump into the water to escape" Janus muttered while rolling his eyes.

"Come on now my snakey boi calm your fangs" Ro chuckled while swinging his arm around the shorter man's shoulders. His hand grazed his neck for just a moment but it was enough to make him think he was about to be strangled.

Before he knew it he'd flinched back and yelled "DON'T TOUCH ME"

The only thing filling the following silence was Janus' heavy breathing as his entire body trembled. His hands had closed into fists and he had a wild look in his wide eyes. He looked like a cornered animal as his gaze went between Roman's and Virgil's chocked faces.

He quickly tried to put on his normal composed appearance again. He could see how they were about to ask him if he was okay but before they got the chance he blurted out "It's fine, it was nothing. I was just joking. Can't you see that I'm doing great" 

"It's okay J, breathe" Virgil said with a concerned expression.

"Yeah" Roman looked over at his fiancee and they nodded at each other as if deciding to not ask about the outburst "How about we all duck over to the main land and go eat pizza? I mean I haven't seen you in over 3 months, we gotta catch up"

Janus thought for a moment before nodding "Sure....sure that sounds nice"

Roman did a thumbs up before jumping back to the other duck boat which made it rock so much Virgil let out a string of swear words. They quickly paddled away towards the edge of the lake.

Logan turned to his friend and said "See, I told you it would be alright"

"Gosh looks like I forgot that you're aaaalways right" He replied with a smug look.

"Thank you for acknowledging facts"

Janus rolled his eyes before smiling. Maybe everything would actually be okay.