Tw: Physical violence, intrusive/suicidal thoughts, brief self harm, Blood, Not unsympathetic Remus but he does some really questionable things

This chapter was supposed to be a bit angsty but mostly fluffy, I dunno how the hell it ended up like this. Since this wasn't originally planned this kind of fucks up the pacing so sorry

The first thing Remy did when they woke up was groan. They had a headache worse than the time they didn't sleep for 3 days and the sun that came in through the window only made it worse. All in all they felt absolute horrible from being hungover....and warm..weirdly warm as if a heavy blanket was on top of them.

When they looked down they realized Remus was snuggled up together with them. His head was leaned against their bare chest and his arms were wrapped around their waist. Their legs were tangled together.

The light was shining down on him making his olive toned skin shine and he looked so peaceful. Remy wished this moment could last. They wished they could lay here and gently comb through his hair forever.

After a while he let out a long yawn and stretched out like a cat before slowly opening his eyes. At first he smiled up at Remy but it quickly turned into a stale panicked expression when he remembered what had happened last night. He quickly moved away from them and stood up from the bed.

The room was quiet before Remus asked "Did w-we-"

"No! nonono we stopped before that we just ehm kissed and it was really...nice" Their hand moved up to trace over their lips. They wanted the tingly feeling of kissing him back.

"I-I was drun-nk I didn't mean anything! I me-eant it as much as I-I mean it when I say I wanna cut up babies to fill their insides with de-ead puppies!" The duke blurted out while taking a step back.

It felt like Remy's heart dropped before nearly disappearing completely from shame. They wanted to hide down under the covers and never leave their bed again. How stupid could they be. Actually believing that Remus would like them....Idiot.

"Yeah! Yeah! Same! You know how I can get when I'm like drunk of course I didn't mean any of it I was just sooo I dunno I never really wanted to kiss you" They forced a laugh after they'd lied.

The duke grabbed one of his t-shirt while nodding. He nearly ran out of the room. When he looked down and saw that there were hickies left from kisses on his neck and collar bones he felt nauseous.

He held onto his arms so hard that his knuckles whitened as he slid down on the ground with his back against the wall. All his thoughts were so muddled he didn't even know if he'd meant anything he'd said yesterday or not. He could barely even remember anything from yesterday either way. The only thing he was sure of was that Remy would never want him now when he hadn't even let himself be used by them.

He couldn't count on his finger the amount of times he'd tried to have normal conversations while his head had been pressed into a pillow or when there'd been hands around his neck since he knew his partner wouldn't listen to him if he was fully dressed. Of times he'd begged for a second date because he was so in love but instead he'd been left behind in a sticky bed in a cold hotel room. Of times he'd gotten yelled about being worthless and only good for one thing.

And now he'd destroyed his only chance with Remy as well.

It felt like all those horrible memories were happening all over again. When he glanced up the walls were shifting between the walls of different apartments he'd stayed at. If he was more connected to reality he would have realized his nails were imbedded so deep in his arms blood was pooling out.

The door opened which made him tense up "Hey, you ok̸̢a̛̕͡ỳ̸̨̨͠ ̛̛͡g̶̡̢i̢͝r̸̷͢͠ĺ̡̢͝" The words seemed to distort at the end and instead shifted into "Hey, you okay cutie?"

Remus looked up and peered into Patton's baby blue eyes. His face was off. It was as if it'd been clipped on top of another person's face. It looked like how the monsters looked like when he was in daydream land.

How could Remus have forgotten. He'd cheated last night. He was the monster. He shouldn't even want to fight back against whatever was waiting for him, he deserved it now after all.

The Patton hunched down in front of him and said something. For a moment the mouth changed into someone's else but it soon went back to normal. None of the words reached him. When the Patton reached his hand towards him he screamed. It all became too much, the only thing he could think was that he had to defend himself.

A gutural yell left his throat as he striked out of sheer fear. The Patton leaned back and held his hand over his cheek that had gotten slapped. His head had turnt to the way the slap had gone.

"STA-AY AWAY-Y FROM M-ME!" Remus yelled "I won-n't let you-u h-hurt me again!"

The Patton held out his hands while saying something. He moved closer which only made Remus panic more. He kicked his legs around while his anxiety blinded him. He felt something hard meet his foot and realized he'd kicked the Patton in the stomach.

His abuser laid down on the floor and hugged his stomach. It seemed like all the air had gone out of him. A whimper left his....oh god...oh god no...their...it was their mouth..it was Remy...he'd hurt Remy.

"I'm sorry. I'm so-o sorry I would drag-g out my e-eyes if it meant you would fo-orgive me" Remus heaved out while moving to help them. His hands hung in the air as he was unsure what to do. "I-I-I tho-ought you we-were P-patto-on"

"Jeez girl am I really that ugly?" They wheezed out before hugging their stomach because laughing hurt  "It's okay. You have like tots understandable reasons I know"

"Fuck that! If I had a reason fo-for killing someone it-t would still be murd-der!"

They smiled up at him with a tired look. Remus dragged them up into his arms and carried them to the couch. They wanted to stay in the embrace but he let go and instead rolled them into a cozy blanket burrito.

"Y-you need anything??? Ban-nd aid? Bl-lood? Heating p-pad?" Remus rambled out "I'm panicking as much as I-I would if my head became a-a ballon and wa-was about to pop"

"Girl chill. You hit like a twat, like no regard for technique" They were about to show him how to slap in the right way so it hurt but realized that would probably make him cry from fear "A kiss to the injury would like totally make me feel better tho"

Remus cuddled up next to them. He pressed a gentle kiss to their cheek. Remy wished they'd been hit on the lips so he would kiss them there instead.

"I-I'm sorry" Remus stuttered out once more.

"It's alright" They said with a smile while cupping his cheeks "I forgive you"

-... .- -.. -.-. .... --- .. -.-. .

Remus couldn't escape from his past pulling him back. He continued to see his ex partners faces everywhere he went. When he saw them in public he ran and hid and silently cried. Sometimes he got panic attacks so bad he would scratch up his own arms without even realizing it.

When he was home he tried to fight back against nothing. The second time he hit them Remy assured him they were fine since it was just a nosebleed.

The third time when he threw something to try and defend himself from what he thought was his past girlfriend Remy promised the bruise would disappear soon so it was a-okay.

When Remus pushed down what he thought was his ex who only dated him for one thing and made him believe he was worthless, and snarled gruesome threats until Remy was shaking from fear they lied that it hadn't affected them at all.

The fifth and last time it happened was the worst one.

Remus was making dinner while listening to music. It was a song by Kesha named Kinky which he of course listened to since he's like that. He heard quiet steps enter the kitchen "Sup babe. Whatcha making?" Remy asked while moving their arms to rest around his waist.

"Pasta with a b-bunch of different vegetables bec-cause I like hacking up the-he vegetables while imagining them as bloody human li-imbs" He replied while nuzzling into their hair.

He glanced over at them and winced when he saw how their lip was cracked from a panic attack yesterday. He wanted to kiss their lips not hurt them. He quickly shook that idiotic thought away from his mind since he clearly only saw Remy as a friend.

"Lemme change the music cause I know much better bops from this queen" They said while motioning for the phone "Come on gimme your phone"

A switch went off in Remus' head. Suddenly he was back with Patton when he'd asked for his phone. When the water from the pasta had splashed onto his arm leaving burn marks. When he'd been dragged into the bathroom and forced into cold water. When he'd gotten slapped by him for the first and second time.

He grabbed onto Remy's neck and pushed their back up against the wall "Whoa whoa calm down girl. It's just me. It's Remy" They gasped while dragging in his wrists to get their air back.

"I know" He snarled out. He could feel his friend immediately tense up from his words and he added "People I trusted hurt me before, I know better than to trust you"

Remus let go of the grip around their neck and they immediately sunk down on the ground while coughing for air. The next 10? or maybe it was 15? Maybe even 20? minutes went past in a blur for him while it was incredibly slow for Remy. He let out every rotten thing he'd been forced to hold inside. He let out a life time of anger.

They knew how to fight and they knew how to make him stop and yet Remy did nothing but lay there. They would rather get every single bone in their body broken than hurt the man they loved.

When he finally started to calm down and stopped Remy tried to make themself as small as possible while hoping that if they didn't make a single sound he would disapear.

"I'm sorry, I-I didn't m-mean. S-s-sorry I'm so-orry" Remus stuttered out while sitting down next to them.

Remy flinched away and hid their blood smudged face behind their hands. It was enough to break Remus heart.

"I'm sor-rry" He said once more while moving to pull them into a hug but they shook their head.

"This isn't fine" They whimpered out. Every breath made pain pang through their ribs "I've pretended it was fine for far too long. I hate that I love you"

"B-b-but I-"

"I don't care if you have an excuse. I care about whether I will be able to go to work tomorrow or if you're about to ruin another part of my life" They weren't even sure if they meant it but their head was too fuzzy from pain to think.

"Sor-r-r-"

"If you say sorry another time I'm going to kick you out just as I will kick you out if you hurt me again" Remy threatened while finally looking up at him. Their eyes were filled with tears "Unlike you I actually know to leave someone when they hurt me"

Remus opened his mouth to apoiligize once more but not a single sound came out. He moved closer to try and comfort Remy but they did a meak attempt to back away while their hands closed into fists out of pure instinct.

It felt like the walls were closing in as he stood up. Without another word he ran out. He didn't even put on shoes or a jacket before leaving the apartement.

Even though the cold night air hit Remus when he slammed the door open it didn't feel like he could breath. He ran and ran until his lungs were burning just like tears were burning at the edges of his eyes.

You hurt them You useless dribble of a mistake You should die so you don't hurt them again You should drag out your eyes to protect them. His intrusive thoughts yelled at him.

He ran through the gothic gates that lead to the graveyard. All his power went to holding back tears. He tried to do breathing exercises to calm down just like he'd done with Virgil.....Virgil who hated him.

The graves always made him feel more safe so he ran to them. He fell down on his knees and hid between cold tombstones. He crawled into a ball to hide. He was reliving being hit over and over. It felt like hands from the pasts were all over his body. The sound of his foot kicking into Remy's ribs until he heard a crack haunted him.

He was a monster. He didn't used to be like this...not when he was with his ex. He had to get back to Patton. He would make him go back to being good. He couldn't even remember why he ever wanted to leave him. It was all so obvious.

💙💙Cutie💙💙: hey Pat my dear ded hearrt of mne i know w e havent talked fo or a whle but i mis you

💙💙Cutie💙💙: pleasee im sory i swar they forced me awy from you

💙💙Cutie💙💙: i love ou love you love you loove y love yo

He didn't know he was sending messages to a dead man.

It started to rain as he glanced around the graves that surronded him. The graves where he belonged. His sight got caught on a new looking one. He crawled closer and read out loud 

"Patton Smuts

1994 - 2020

Beloved son and friend"

One moment Remus was sitting there staring at it, in the next he had crawled into a bush to puke from stress. He was dry heaving and crying and he couldn't breath and it was all too much and he couldn't stop it. His head was spinning.

The rain soaked him wet to his bones. He moved over and hugged onto Patton's gravestone.

"Wak-ke up" He sobbed out "I-I'm sor-rry I t-took the colla-ar off but p-please I'm begging you. Break all my lim-mbs if you ha-ave to....Wake up"

Logically Remus knew he would never come back but right then in that instant all he wanted was a hug from someone who loved him.

And normally he would have been angry at just the sight of Patton's name but this night had broken him so much he was ready to go back to being abused if it meant he would get comforted.

Did you get what you wanted? Don't you want to do it again? Do you even realize when you looked at Remy that was how your abusers saw you? His intrusive whispered to him.

Remus shut his eyes before banging his head into the grave stone to get his thoughts to quiet down.

//tw: The upcoming intrusive thoughts gets very graphic about suicide//

You shouldn't exists You don't deserve to All you do is hurt people and all you're good for is being hurt Unless you go and find someone who will beat you half to death right in this instant you might as well die. The intrusive thoughts got louder.

Remus slammed his head into the stone once more. He had to get them out.

You should take a rope and tie it to the ceiling just like Pat- The only one who ever wanted you did Hang in it until your skin is purple and your eyes are red Hang until your neck snaps

Another bang into the uneven stone.

You should swim out into a lake and let yourself sink under Until it feels like your eyes will pop out of your skull and all your breath has left you

Bang.

You should take a knife and cut open your arms until you can touch blood and bone with your fingers You should bleed out without a single attempt to survive

Bang.

You should diediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediedie

//Tw over//

Remus noticed that something red had dripped down onto the grave. When he moved his hand up to his forhead he realized he'd made a deep gash. Blood was pooling up.

He dipped his finger in it before moving it over the letters on the stone. The word 'Patton' was now written in wine red blood.

He sunk his forhead down against the cold surface and mumbled "I'll be b-back soon P-pat. Keep the grave next-t to you war-rm for me"

Remus stood up on shaky legs. He hugged onto his arms as he just now realized how much the cold was biting in on him. He wished he would get a warm hug from Patton soon but he knew only one of them was going to heaven and it sure as hell wasn't him.

The ground was barely existing as he walked. There was a loud ringing in his ears which only got worse when he hit his head to make it stop. If he wasn't dissociated maybe he would have noticed how his sock wearing feet was being torn apart by walking on stones. There was another person the same road, they were blasting music so loudly he could hear.

'Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself' The singer yelled out.
'Will I ever be forgiven cause I hurt them?'
'It was an accident I swear, it wasn't meant for them'
'And if I turn it on me? If I even it out?'
'Will they let me in or will they send me to hell?'
'Can I still ge-

Remus ran away from them. He didn't want to know how it ended. Somehow he accidentally ran into the town square. The loud voices and bright lights around him made him dizzy. It was Saturday so a lot of people were out. He tried to get lost in the crowd but people kept looking at him weirdly.

The duke stumbled towards a nearby resturant and looked at his reflection in the glass. His eyes were red from sobbing and there were still smidges of food around his mouth from throwing up. There were dark circles from lack of sleep and his hair was a mess. Blood had dried up around his forhead. The only thing he was wearing was a green t-shirt, shorts and dirty socks. He looked like a mad man, maybe he was.

He wanted to break glass and eat blades. He wanted to throw up his own lungs and plant his tongue in his stomach so he could never speak again. He wanted worms to eat his eyeballs just as they were probably eating his abuser's eyes right in that instant.

He flinched when he heard a voice behind him "Are you alright?" A kind looking lady asked him with a smile.

For a minute or two he didn't answer, he just stared at her with a slightly open mouth "Do yo-ou have a-a glass? glass b-bottle?" He finally forced out.

"Oh yes of course. Poor you, you must be awfully thirsty" She assumed she was talking to some homeless man. She handed a glass bottle filled with water over.

Remus didn't even hesitate before smashing the glass over his head which shattered it. He caught a piece in his hand and slashed it deep into his wrists. The woman let out a horrified gasp before taking it away from him. Blood was already rolling down his arms and dripping down onto the pavement.

"Sir please do excuse me if this is awfully rude but is everything alright up there?" She asked while pointing at his head. He continued to stare out with a dull look in his eyes "Do you want me to call someone? Do you have any loved ones who can help?"

He looked at her and he was sure he was telling the truth when he answered "I don't ha-have any loved ones, no one l-loves me" He cracked up into a smile and the tears soon followed "WHy would ANYone ever love-e anyone as dem-mented and horrible and disgu-usting as-as me????"

"Ehm okay. Do you want me to you to take you to some kind of shelter or something? The hospital?" 

Remus grabbed onto her shoulders and with a wicked grin he giggled out "You ca-an take me to my grave!!"

His giggling turned into maniacal laughter as he ran away from her and swiftly disappeared into the crowd. The lights from the streetlamp, cars and restaurants were brighter than they used to be. They nearly burned. His body felt as light as dust. He looked around at the people surrounding him. Half heartedly laughing, holding onto arms to not get lost and fiddling with scarfs. The air felt like silk.

He had a secret, buried in the pink mush land of his brain. He was going to destroy himself until he was as cold as Patton's corpse.