Tw: Blood, suicide mention

It was raining so Janus was holding a black umbrella in one hand and was holding Logan's hand with his other. They were out walking. Remy was walking a few meters ahead of them. There was a quite fresh scar on their cheek and they were limping slightly.

"Forgive me for my confusion but why are we looking for Remus? As far as I remember its quite usual for him to be gone for a day or two before coming back with a dead rat in his mouth to show that he likes you or something" Logan said which broke the silence.

Remy let out a long sigh "He's been gone for kind of like a month and a half"

"Why?? Why didn't you say anything till now!" Logan exclaimed as his eyes widened from surprise.

"I dunno like he just left suddenly for like no reason!" They lied.

Janus looked them up and down while squinting his eyes "That's a falsehood if I've ever heard one"

"Fine" They crossed their arms as they continued with "We kinda got into an...argument and I said some really stupid things which in hindsight I shouldn't have. I've looked everywhere and I can't find him so i thought like maybe help would like help"

Jan didn't believe them fully. He'd gotten kicked in the face until he bleed before and he knew the type of scars that got left behind by that. The same type that was on Remy's cheek. He wanted to ask them about it to make sure they were alright but he didn't know how to start.

Logan began rambling about strategically the best and fastest way to search through the entire city. Along with a list of the likeliest places for Remus to be.

After they'd checked the local dumpster, the rat room at the zoo and some dangerous cliffs near the beach they decided to split off. The couple went to the nearest restaurant that specialized in octopus while Remy went to the graveyard.

A cold breeze flew over them as they went through the rusty gates. They pulled their leather jacket harder around themselves to keep the cold out. They looked around the entire graveyard expect for one place but couldn't find a single trace of their friend.

Finally Remy went over to Patton's grave. "Sup you lil piece of shit" They greeted with a bitter tone "Y'know girl I used to think of you as my second dad...you will never know how much it hurt when I realized you were just as abusive as my first one. At least my old man 'only' yelled at me and only beat me onc-"

They didn't even finish their sentence since their gaze went to a curdled up figure laying next to the grave. Remy ran over and sat down beside the person. They didn't even care that their clothes got dirty from sitting on the ground as they took the person in their arms.

It was Remus.

His eyes were rolled back into his skull and his mouth was hanging slightly agape. His body was completely limp which made it easy to pull him into their lap. All he had on was that same t-shirt and shorts but they were dirty and filled with holes now. His hair was greasy and his skin was just as dirty as his clothes. There were layers of cuts covering his arms, legs, neck and torso. Some of them were still bleeding while there were green goo coming out from others. Some were close to healing while others looked like they were made this morning. His skin was light and ashy and his lips were chapped from dehydration. His nails were bitten down and bloody and his feet were bleeding from walking on stones.

Remy feared a dead body would feel warm compared to his. Then they realized that they might actually be holding a dead body. He wasn't moving or opening his eyes or reacting to them holding him or oh god what if he actually was-

They shook his shoulders but no reaction came "Wake Up!" Remy begged as tears welled into their eyes "Please Wake up, I'm sorry but you have to I can't I need you" They continued to sob out while resting their head against his bleeding chest.

It took them a few moments before they realized the chest they were leaning against was moving up and down. Remy moved to check his pulse and it was there. It was much slower than a human's should be and it felt like it could stop at any second but it was there.

"Babe please do something" They whispered before pressing a kiss to his forehead "I just want to hear your voice again" 

Slowly Remus woke up. He did a meek attempt to cup their cheek but he had to little energy to move.

"Angel?" His voice was quiet and his mouth was so dry it was hard to speak "I've w-waited, thanks angel. I don't wa-want....don't want....not ano-other d-day"

"Shh babe" Remy murmured while stroking his hair. Tears of relief was going down their cheeks "It's alright now" 

They carefully helped him up on his feet. The moment he wasn't actively leaning on them he stumbled and fell down on the ground. Remy instead picked him up and started to carry him. He felt much lighter than he used to be. He'd gotten much skinnier. His collar bones were so prominent they could probably catch water and his cheeks were sunken in making his face look skeletal.

Remus buried his head into the soft fabric of their shirt while mumbling "You-u're wings ar-re very so-oft angel"

A mix of extreme sleep deprivation and a severe concussion had made him hallucinate for over 3 days now. Remy decided to go along with it as to not upset him.

"Thanks babe...ehm I mean like human? thanks human??" 

"Angel m-my angel" Remus yawned out "Surprised you're he-here. Thought i was going to h-hell. Thought demons would shove poles up-up my ass and burn my ey-yes out"

"Not for you dear" 

"Oooh! Since I go to heaven I can hug P-p-patton again! And Roman once he comes! An-nd Jan and Lo and Viv and Rem-my. Remy was my best fr-friend...but I've hurt them really badly so I hope they can for-forgive me once we're angels. They're amaz-zing so I know they'll go to heaven"

"Well they sound like a really forgiving person so I'm sure it'll work out" His blood had began to stain their shirt.

He let out a short chuckle "I've always b-been bad. Bad twin, bad boyfri-iend so of course I-I was bad at killing my-myself. I'm bad at ev-everything! B-but now I'm finally g-good at something!! I'm good at end-ending my life since I-I finally succeeded!" His tone was so happy.

"You're good at more than that" Remy assured.

"Thank-ks" He cuddled up closer to them "I love yo-ou angel"

Remy smiled softly at him "I love you too" They managed to get their phone out and dial Logan without dropping their friend on the ground.

"Salutations. Has anything happened?" Lo immediately answered. 

"I found Remus.....something akin to Remus but he's alive....WAit SHit fuck"

Remus had closed his eyes and gone still. Remy sat him down against the pavement and checked his breathing.

"Ok ok yeah he's still alive, he's just asleep or something. I'm by the graveyard. You're like the calmest bitch ever could you call for a taxi to the hospital?"

"Right right sure. We're on our way"

... .- ...- . -..

The waiting room smelled like hand disinfection and sickness. Janus was sitting in Logan's lap. They were holding hands and quietly talking. Remy sat next to them. The chairs were uncomfortable and dressed in an ugly blue color.

Remy was holding their head in their hands. They knew they should keep themselves busy with coffee or checking their phone but they got lost in their own worry. 

Remus had stayed unciounsious the entire way to the hospital and while they'd waited with him for several hours. Sometimes he'd mumbled something about angels and graves but he never opened his eyes. A few nurses had come and taken him but it must have gone at least 2 hours since then.

Logan noticed how anxious they were. He reached out and placed his hand on their shoulder "He'll be alright"

"Maybe physically yeah but like being physically alright won't really help him in the long run" Remy looked away "I don't even know if he can like live with me after this but like he clearly isn't enough like mentally stable to be on his own either"

Janus looked them up and down. He'd noticed how they seemed to flinch more and hold themselves less proudly then they used to do "What did he do?" He asked with a cold tone.

They gripped onto their arms and stared down into the floor as they mumbled out "He hurt me...really badly and...I was fine with it when it was during flashbacks since than he just like kinda did it through self defense but...but he knew it was me...he knew he was hurting me the last time he did it and he only regretted it after"

Without a word Janus moved over and pulled them into a tight hug. Logan leaned back with a sigh "That does make sense, about one third of all abuse victims becomes abusers. It's more common amongst those who've gone through child abuse specifically male victims of csa but still"

"He's not that! He just lashed out" Remy objected to which Jan nodded along.

"Well if he continues to perpetrate this kind of behavior he is. Him being our friend and being likable doesn't change that" he saw the other two getting ready to talk back and added "Him needing help doesn't change that either"

"It was a one time thing! Just like him trying to kill himself was a one...two...shit three time thing as well!"

"What?" Logan asked. he didn't know about the overdose "Not getting him help after an attempt is exactly what you're not supposed to do!"

"He promised he wouldn't do it again!" They exclaimed.

"He clearly broke that promise just like he broke the promise of not hurting you!"

"SHUT UP!" Remy yelled while their hands formed into fists.

"No!" Logan replied with a bitter tone "If anything you should shut up for moment and think for one second before deciding thi-"

"You weren't there!" They interrupted him "You've been all busy with your boytoy or whatever so like maybe listen to the person who actually was there oh wait you never listen you stupid lil bitch"

"I am not stupid" Lo objected while looking offended "You are being rash and idiotic if anything And besides that You've known Remus has been missing all the times and you-"

"I've been looking for hiM!"

"We found him in one day! You couldn't have been looking or caring that hard"

"DON't you say that I don-"

The argument stopped when they noticed the way Janus had curled up between. He was holding his shaking hands over his ears while holding back a whimper. When Logan pulled him closer to comfort him he nearly flinched away.

"Sorry, I just.....I can't take arguments" He mumbled while holding onto his boyfriend's shirt.

"No, it's okay" Logan said in a calm tone. He looked up at Remy "We're just overly stressed right now....I'm sorry I didn't really mean any of that"

"It's fine" They muttered back while crossing their arms and looking away.

A nurse came up to them "You are the people who brought Remus Prince in correct?" They nodded "What is your affiliation with him?"

They glanced between one another before Janus replied with "Family"

"Okay good" The nurse began to read from a clip board "He's majorly dehydrated, malnourished and sleep deprived. He has also lost a great amount of blood. There are bruises on his arms, wrists, ankles and face. Most of them seem to be self made. Some of the cuts are infected which he will need to be treated for. It's a miracle he's still alive really, if you hadn't found him this night or tomorrow I doubt he would have been able to continue on. He's in room 143, you're allowed to visit him"

When they came into the room Remus was sleeping soundly in the hospital bed. He had the covers pulled up to his waist and his hair was messy and stuck to his sweaty forehead. He was running high on a fever. He'd been changed from his dirty clothes into a clean blue hospital gown. His arms and legs were bandaged up along with his torso. There were 2 different iv going into his arms as  well as an ng tube that went into his nose.

The group didn't say anything. Remy took a chair and sat it down right next to the bed. They leaned their chin against the covers and held back the urge to take his hand. Half of Remus' face was completely swollen from bruises, so badly so he couldn't see from his right eye. It made them sick to know he'd done it to himself.

After a while a nurse came in and told them they had to leave soon. Logan debated with her until she got tired and left them all alone. Janus went and stole a small metallic bed. Something one could find on a camping trip. He and his boyfriend snuggled up together on it. Neither of them were planning to leave until their friend had woken up.

The only sound in the room was the dripping from the water and blood in the ivs and the hushed talking between Lo and Jan. Every minute felt like an eternity. 

After a few hours loud talking came from the hallway. The door slammed open and and in came Roman closely followed by Virgil. The prince's gaze immediately went to his unconscious brother and he was about to run up and pull him into a hug when Logan stopped him.

"You'll wake him" Lo explained in a quiet tone while letting him go.

"What happened? Is- will be he okay? Is he in a coma? Is he-" Roman began to ramble out but Virgil took his hand to stop him from panicking.

"He's just asleep, hopefully he'll wake up soon but right now he needs to rest"

Ro nodded. For once he looked completely serious. He quietly walked up to the bed and laid down right by the edge. He kept his distance but simply being close to him made him calmer.

"Have any of you guys eaten?" Virgil asked to which he got no from everybody. "Aight. How many wants Chinese take out?" 

Everyone nodded expect for Remy. Their eyes were wide and unblinking as if they were deep in thought. Roman reached over and poked their arm which made them shot up in their seat.

"Sorry gal, not really hungry" They mumbled out before going back to looking at Remus.

"Alright. Princey is paying"

Ro looked at him "What? Since when?" Virgil did puppy eyes at him until he muttered out a "Fine"

"Good" He pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before going to buy the food.

The rest of the evening was slow. They ate the take out while sitting on the floor. They chatted and sometimes they laughed but it was all darkened by the knowledge of why they were there. Logan was able to make a set of cards out of doodling the symbols on paper so they could play card games. Everyone joined expect for Roman and Remy who stayed by Remus' side no matter what.

Logan and Janus were the first ones to go to sleep. They cuddled up together on the bed and feel asleep while hugging as if they were two koalas. Virgil snuggled up at the edge of the hospital bed so he was laying on top of his fiancee's feet. It took a while but Roman feel asleep as well. His hand was holding onto his brother's shoulder.

Eventually Remy was the only one awake. The cold blue light from their phone was the only light in the room. Every now and then they quickly went to the vending machine in the hallway to get a coffee. Most of the time they simply sat and looked at their love. It was nearly impossible to think that that was the same man who'd kicked them until one of their ribs were broken.

Remus slowly opened one of his eyes and glanced around. It hurt to move, the wounds sticked against the bandages. He peered over at Roman and was confused as to why he was there. Wasn't this the afterlife?

"Angel?" He asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Yes?" Remy stood up from surprise which nearly made the chair slam down into the ground. They leaned over onto the bed and smiled.

He looked at them with a tired expression "You...y-you're not an an-ngel you...you" His expression turned into one of fright as he recognized them "I-I'm sorry"

"Girl it's fine. I'm glad you're like awake and not dead" They reached out to take his hand but he flinched away "It's alright. See? I'm all like healed up" Remy assured.

"No you're not" Remus moved his hand up to trace along the healing scar on their cheek.

They leaned into his touch. They missed being comforted by him "It'll heal soon I promise"

"I'm so-sorry. Every tim-me I hurt myself I h-hoped it would make up-up for hurting you. I-I'm sorry" Remus' lip quivered as he said it.

They felt nauseous over the fact that he'd nearly killed himself for them "Please don't hurt yourself.....ACtually never hurting yourself again would be enough to make me forgive you. Either way It's like okay as long as you never hurt me again like not even anything close. I trust you and if you're really sorry I'll believe that"

The duke looked around while tears filled his eyes "Wh-where am I? Why I-is everyone here? Are you going to-to hurt me? K-kill me? Put straws in m-me and suck my bl-lood out??"

"Girl chill, you're in a hospital. We're just like making sure you're alright or something"

"NO, nonono. You-you you're going to-to take me an-and keep me around and slap me and call it praise and you'll make being hurt the only praise I'll ever get and you'll treat me like a toy and you'll leave me once I become too much work or-or I become too boring" 

Remus started to drag in the ivs while saying it. His tone only got louder and louder as he sat up and continued to drag in them. His eyes were wide and vacant as if he was somewhere completely else. Remy grabbed his wrist to stop him which made him flinch away.

"DON-" Before he could yell it out Remy covered his mouth with his hands. Tears out of fear filled his eyes.

"Babe, You have to calm down" They whispered "I'm going to let go now but don't yell again"

When he was let go Remus kept quiet. He looked up at them in silent anger as a lone tear went down his cheek "Patton was the only who didn't want to throw me away and You took him away from me" He hissed out.

"Patton would have killed you if you stayed"

"Good"

"Girl" They sat down on the edge of the bed "You're not like actually meaning this, last time I saw you you were the one about to kill Pat" They looked away while mumbling out "No one hates you like look around we're literally all here for you....and I get it if you've like changed recently from all this shit but I don't want there to be oceans between us"

Remus took a deep breath before moving his arms to rest around their waist. He leaned his head against their back "I've missed you" he whispered but it quickly turned into a sob "I've just wanted to hug you again. I've told myself I've been missing my abusers so that the loss of you didn't shatter me. I-I've been so close to calling my exes because I was in so much pain and I told myself they-they are the only ones who's ever wan-nted me and-and-" 

Remy smiled a little. They turned around so they could fully encapsulate him in a hug "Ugh girl you know I'm not good with emotions but like I'm sorry you've been in this much pain like both physical and mental but like you're here now. With me. It'll be alright"

"I don't want it to be alright" Remus looked directly into their eyes and sounded completely sure when he continued "I want to die"

They cupped his cheeks "You'll get help for that I swear on it. I'll make sure that you'll want to continue on some day"

"B-but you hate me. You hate me so much you would want to fill my mouth and ears with maggots and fill my stomach with teeth"

"I could never hate you like literally girl I think I'm like physically unable to dislike you" They chuckled before going back to being serious "Babe I adore you....I love you"

"I-I" He held onto them harder "I want you. I want to be with you. I want to wake up next to you and kiss you goodnight"

He glanced down at the floor and bit his cheek till a taste of copper filled his mouth.

"But....I love you...but I can't- I-I'm not ready to be in anything close to a relationship" Remus admitted while his chest ached "I've just constantly been-n jumping between relationships-s these last few years and it's kind of ruined my m-mental health. I do want to be with you but I thin-nk it'll only ruin my brain more"

Remy moved his chin up and replied with a smile "Take all the time you need babe"

they laid down next to him and made themselves comfortable while taking out a pair of headphones and their phone. They sat one headphone bud into their ear before giving the other two Remus. 

They began playing 'Pink in the night' by Mitski since right now it was both their biggest mood and because it was a calming song.

Do you hear it too?It's like a summer shower  

Remy smiled at him while leaning closer. They rested their head against their hands while his and their heads were only a few inches apart. He moved to wrap his bandaged arms around their waist.

With every drop of rain singing

"Every time I'm with you it feels like I will spend eternity in this moment with you" Remy whispered "It feels like I get warm from looking at you and if I'll stay around long enough I'll turn into light itself"

I love you, I love you, I love you

Remus laughed "My voice turn more gentle around you even if I don't mean it. I remember one time I was about to say that one of your ideas were cool in my normal tone but it came out so....soft...it didn't feel like me and I liked it. I like the me I am around you"

I love you, I love you, I love you 

They reached out and took his hands "Girl you don't know how much sleep I've lost recently cause I've been worrying my beautiful ass off worrying bout you like you better not do this to me again" They chuckled which made him chuckle as well.

I love you, I love you, I love you!

Remus shone up into a grin "It's actually really silly like as silly as a bunch of kittens with their tails chopped off that I've never wanted to admit that I love you since I kind of definitely would die for you. Like die over and over starting with death by getting my brains shoot out and then my tongue dragged o-"

"Yes I get it babe. Just stay healthy and unharmed and not dead please"

And I know I've kissed you before, but

Remy leaned closer and murmured out a quiet "Can I?" Remus nodded. They hesitantly pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

I didn't do it right

They'd missed the feeling of his skin against their lips. They'd missed having him close. They'd missed going to sleep with his arms around them. They pressed yet another kiss to his unbruised cheek.

Can I try again, try again, try again

Remy didn't just press one kiss to the bruised side of his face. he covered it in kisses. The black eye, the swollen cheek, the cracked skin that was in shades of purple and blue, the slightly broken nose. All of it got kisses as if that would heal it quicker.

Try again, and again, and again

Finally they couldn't stop themselves for any longer. They leaned forward and was about give him a tender kiss right on the lips when Remus put his hand in front of his face. He shook his head while glancing away. Remy squeezed his hands and nodded to show that it was okay.

And again, and again, and again

Instead they pressed a just as gentle and tender kiss to his nose. Remy leaned back and smiled at him. Remus smiled back. Even though it still felt like his world was supposed to end he didn't want it to right in that moment. He wanted to stay with Remy. He wanted to stay alive as long as they were there with him.