Joel: BADBOYZ PAPA KBABS ASAO I FOUND OLI

'Pearl!' I call as the message comes in, relief filling me that my work can be done for this morning. A face appears through the doorway.

'Hello?'

'Joel found a suspect for the missing canary debacle. I need to stop him being stupid.'

'Of course! I'll cover if The Manager calls.'

'Great. See you around!'

The townhall is right next to Papa K-babs, in the central no-cars square. Which means, the moment I step outside, I see Joel shouting at the pinned Oli. I run over.

'Mercy! Please!' Oli wails. 'I'm just a poor, poor, sad musician just trying to make a livelihood! Have mercy on me!'

'Not until you say what the bloody hell you did with Jimmy's pet canary.'

'Florence? I fed her! I gave her my final crumbs of bread!'

'When did you last see them?' I ask, stepping in front of Joel and forcing him to let go of Oli's shirt.

'Renchanting Theatre, 3 days ago. I heard Ren shouting, a lot of tweeting, and when I tried to see what was going on, all I saw was Ren, the empty cage, and a dead bird.'

'Ren. Ren did this.'

'And I was so scared.' continues Oli. 'Cuz his eyes were glowing!! But that may've been the strange mushroom Sausage gave me to eat... but I was terrified! I was quaking in my metaphorical boots I can't afford and run as fast as I could!'

'What's going on here?'

I turn to see Jimmy arriving. Oli struggles for freedom.

'Jimmy! Jimmy my friend! My pal! The friend I wrote a song about my strong, unbreakable friendship with! Remember? Oli and Jim! Oli and Jim! We're just two guys! Oli and Jim! Oli and- aH!' Oli yelps as Joel kicks his leg. Why would you do that to my poor, poor, tender leg?!'

'Joel, calm down!' I insist. 'Tim, your canary's dead. Ren killed it. And GIGGS will be investigating further into Ren to find out why.'

'What?' Jimmy stops, eyes wide, 'You're... kidding? Right?'

'Nope. According to Oli, Ren killed the bird.'

'Oh- oh my gosh...'

'Joel, comfort him. I'm calling Gem.'

'Why are you bloody calling Gem?!'

'Because she's Wereish, she's in GIGGS and she knows Oli!' I snap back. I find the number, left waiting for Gem to pick up.

'Can... can I go now?' Oli asks.

'No. You're going to talk to Gem and explain everything you told me... come on Gem, pick up...'

'Hello!' I jump at the sound of Gem's voice, before it continues. 'If you're hearing this, I'm swamped in ghosts, small children, or my friends acting like small children, so call back later! Bye!'

Voicemail. Of course, she's still at work.

Grian: Gem when will u be out of work? We have evidence in the form of Oli

Grian: Gem?

Grian: GEEEEEEM?

Gem: LUNCH IN 5 WAIT

Grian: Meet @ K-babs

'Right-io, Gem will be about 10 mins, so we're gonna grab some food, and wait for her to get here. Joel, what do you want from K's?'

'Hotguy, extra sauce.'

'...Are you sure? After last time?'

'What do you mean after last time, Grian?! It was TIM who couldn't handle it!'

'Sure... Jim, what kebab do you want?'

'I- I want Ruffles...'

'You can't have your bird.'

'I- I'll just have some chips...'

'Oh! Oh! Can I have the Saucy Sausage Kebab with extra 'Bing! Bing! Bing!' sauce. And extra onions, please and thank you, Mr Grian?' Oli peers into my periphery to ask with far too much hopefulness. I sigh.

'You pay for it.'

'But that's not fair! I'm providing vital ghost-hunting evidence!'

'Fine! Fine! I'll order everything and get us a table. Join us when we're not in tears...'

I walk over to the kebab van where Keralis himself (or 'Papa K' as everyone knows him) is awaiting orders.

'Hello there, Sweetface Brian! What can I get for you today?'

'1 Sweetface, 1 HotGuy, 1 K-Boosh, and 1 Saucy Sausage Kebab, with extra Bing Bing Bing sauce and onions, 1 salad, 1 large Look into my Fries and... JIM! HOW MANY CHIPS?'

'SMALL!'

'And one small Look into my Fries. And a sachet of K-tchup for the chips.'

'Of course! That'll be £21.40, please!'

I pay, take the order card, and sit down at the table to wait. It isn't long until all our food is ready, and only a couple minutes after that when Gem arrives, out of breath.

'I... whew... I hope this is worth it, Grian...'

'I'm sure it will be, I got your favourite Papa K-babs.' I pass over the vegetarian K-Boosh kebab and salad I ordered for her. She's eating in seconds.

'All worth it...' she agrees the moment she swallows. 'Anyway, why am I here? And why is your bandmate sobbing into his fries?'

'Canary dead, Ren killed it... Oli? Can you elaborate?'

'Well... you see, it was a very, very unfortunate event... I was sitting by my favourite set of bins, the ones with the lovely little family of rats living in it, and the pretty moss with the dew all over it... anyway, I heard a very loud tweeting from inside. Now, I'd seen the lovely little bird Jimmy had bought in – I named them Florence, by the way, and fed her the final crumbs of my soggy ham sandwich – so I was very alarmed to hear her dying. I rushed upstairs, and there in the corridor I came to quite the scene. My eyes didn't want to believe the horrors they saw that day... feathers strewn everywhere, blood on the lovely carpet I like to sleep on, and there, in the middle of it, was Mr Renchanting Ren himself, holding the body of poor, poor Florence. And I was left shaking and shivering and all sorts of scared so I ran away.'

'You said his eyes were glowing?'

'Oh yes, bright blue eyes, rather dazzling. But he was growling a little bit, which stopped any further interest...'

'Hmm... interesting,'

'Ren told me to run, and I told him that was very, very rude thing to say to a poor Oli like me, and then he told me he was gonna get mad and kill me too, and I could see he had no trouble killing a defenceless bird like Florence, so he would have even less trouble killing me, so I ran away and hid in one of the bins until I fell asleep and woke to one of those little garbage rats nibbling my ear... or maybe it was one of those angry rat Weres I've been seeing there recently... who knows.' Oli smears the remaining sauce off his face with his sleeve before standing. 'This has turned into a very lovely morning with the free food. I would give you some money for it, but I've run out of pennies so a thank you should be enough. Farewell!'

And, without another word, Oli leaves.

The amount of money was carefully worked out by me creating an entire post-it note menu for Papa K-Babs.

It was surprisingly fun to make.