Ilumi POV
I awoke to the sound of y/n quietly crying. I sat up immediately, realizing her body was no longer warming mine. My eyes widened as I saw her exit the building and I quickly sprinted to catch her. She gasped and we both fell to the floor. She bit her lip as tears streamed down her face and she whispered, "it's my fault Illumi, it's all my fault I can't believe myself I'm disgusting." I felt my whole being collapse as I wrapped my arms around her and watched her cry because of that abomination once again. I pulled her back inside snd I sat down on the floor and pulled her into my lap, as I had before. Tears streamed down her face as she clutched her phone. I pried it out of her hands and realized she had called Elaine. I scoffed and hung up. What could that classless trash masquerading as her caregiver possibly do for my y/n? but as soon as I did that- y/n started to sob more and she tried to twist out of my grip as she pushed me away saying, "I need to find him! I need to apologize for what I've said and done to Hisoka!" Apologize? For what?I held her firmly and watched as my perfect flower suffered. I could hardly bear seeing her in such immense pain, and I wished, I hoped, I prayed that she would stay with me forever- so I could help her, and so we could help each other. She gripped my arms and in a strangled voice she said, "Illumi let- let me go! Let me gooooo." Her sobs intensified as she finally stopped and her body went limp. I kissed her forehead and pressed my lips to her neck and I murmured into her soft skin, "please flower, I love you too much to let you leave me. Stay with me, stay and stop crying. Please, tell me, your-" I wished I could call myself her husband. Or even her mate, or her best friend but all those titles belonged to the one who was most unworthy of them. I brushed a bit of hair off her forehead and I kissed her rounded nose. "Please tell me what's troubling you, please don't cry- you needn't feel pain when you're with me my precious flower." I watched her throat tighten and her body trembled as she asked "what's wrong with me Illumi? What's wrong with me?! I-I love you and I promised Hisoka I'd- I'd I'm married to him, and here I am- in your arms when I should be in his! His! I'm the one who hurt him! I'm the monster! He loves-" my body shook with rage and I willed myself, commanded myself to not loose my temper. Not with her, not with this, not again. I gripped her and willed myself to restrain myself.

She said slightly angrily, but mostly tiredly "Illumi s-stop holding me so tightly, that hurts, please just- just- ." I loosened my hold on her and I guided her arms to wrap around my neck. Her cries continued but they were quieter and more subdued. I placed my hands on her back and I softened my tone as I whispered into her ear, "you mustn't talk like this, y/n. You're too pure to be a monster. You can love me, and I'll be grateful. Hisoka fails to understand that you are a gift, a blessing and that you can't help but love who you do. This is right. We are right, y/n. Right as love itself." She grimaced but clutched me and wrapped her legs around me anyway. She buried her face into my chest and wiped her tears on my shirt. She said nothing as her hot breath caressed my neck and I resisted the overwhelming urge to grip her thighs, spread her legs and pleasure her and make her forget all about the true monster, Hisoka.

I longed to put myself inside her and dry her tears with the euphoric feeling of intercourse- of us intertwined, of us becoming one in the holy act of lovemaking. Of us together and in love. She told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me and I wanted the latter but would settle for the former. As I whispered to her how much I loved her I wondered why she was so intent on feeling so guilty for enjoying us both- when Hisoka was intent on enjoying me as well. As I held her I laughed quietly to myself at the absolute irony of her torturing herself at wanting me when Hisoka was actively trying to claim me sexually as well and had absolutely no shame about it. If only I had had the restraint and foresight to reject his deal in my moment of rage.

She whimpered into my chest andmy hands seemed to move on their own as they slid down under her panties to cup her backside. I pushed myself into her and murmured, "let me heal you- let me in and make you glad that you chose to love me. Let us make love y/n." She pulled her face out from my chest and she said sadly, "it wasn't a choice Illumi- to love you. I didn't say- oh yeah let me just betray my fucking husband! It just happened! I didn't choose to hurt him! Don't touch me!" I frowned and she said, "I want you to be happy, I want you to heal and be truly loved but I'm causing Hisoka too much pain. if I could I'd take-" then she snapped her mouth shut and bit her lip. Her eyes shone and I breathed, " you'd- you'd what, my flower?" She stared into my eyes and her bottom lip wavered, as she held back a torrent of sobs. Her eyes once again refilled with tears and I could feel my own chest tightening with dread. "You'd what, my flower- you'd what? You'd- you'd-" couldn't bear to voice the words "take it all back?" If I said it aloud- there would be nothing left inside me. My bones would loose their marrow and I would become hollowed out and brittle; able to collapse as break at the slightest touch. If she said those words the only thing left to comfort me in this world would be the all too familiar darkness I've known all my life. The only thing left to live for would be Killua- and even then how could I go on seeing him that brat Gon- only to remind me of who I've lost- of who I can't have? I couldn't go back to that- not after experiencing true love- pure love- unlike the love Machi forced upon me, if one could even call it that. Unlike the love I've received from my family. A whole new love- an all consuming holy love.

She pressed her hand to my cheek and I closed my eyes and focused on her breath, her adoration, her aura. And I felt a tear of my own leak out of my right eye. I felt her soft lips caress me as she leaned into me and kissed the tear away off my cheek. I opened my eyes and I saw her expression riddled with sorrow and overwhelming pity- for me. She frowned sadly as she looked at me and hesitantly whispered into my ear, "no, Illumi I wouldn't take it back- I would never. Sometimes I just wonder what I've gotten myself into, that's all. It's just... the  last thing I want to do is hurt Hisoka."I sighed with overwhelming relief. She wouldn't take it back and that's all that mattered. I didn't care if she was saying it because her heart broke for me. I didn't care if her love was primarily rooted in her pity for me, I didn't care if she loved Hisoka- I too needed her love or I'd crumble. That's why after even a taste of who she is and what she was capable of I did what I did during the Hunter Exam. I'd make sure she'd keep on loving me and wanting me even if Hisoka always came first. I'd make her love me one way or another- and I smiled softly as we held each other- knowing I had almost achieved my goal.

I was roused from my thoughts when she leaned back and squeezed my biceps. I have her my full attention and her big shining eyes looked into mine. My heart quickened its pace as she squeezed my biceps and said, "Illumi It's just that- it's just I'm being so unfair to him. He even allowed me to kiss you and be with you a bit because he knows I love you. I had fun yesterday with- well all that*ahem*  but I mean the point is i went and hurt him, I went and admitted my love for you- I went and I practically killed him. This- it's my fault, i- I was being careless Lumi."  She was now making herself tear up with every word she said and I remembered Hisoka's thick muscled form shaking as he laughed with blood coating his teeth after he threw y/n out the window. I remembered his evil mischievous smiles with his lips curled up in dark delight. I remembered him pressing me into a wall and pushing his hand into my penis in an effort to arouse me within moments of entering my home. I remembered how he encouraged y/n to strip for us- and in my blindness to the situation I was all eager too be apart of it. But I couldn't help but be disgusted with him for all he is and all he's done to my delicate, warm, light sitting before me. I resisted the overwhelming urge to put my pin in her and solve all this nonsense. She frowned and squeezed my shoulders and whispered, "what's wrong baby? Tell *sniff* me, what's wrong? I'm here for you, you know." She quickly wiped her tears away and I watched her attempt to pull herself together in order to be in a state to comfort me. This, when she herself was so distraught already. She was willing to do that- to put her troubles aside for me. I lunged forward and gathered her into my arms and pressed my lips into hers. Her eyes widened as she clutched my hair. She tried to speak through the kiss but I pressed my lips into her warm, soft and supple lips- willing her to embrace me. She pushed me away and I pushed her into me. After a few moments of her struggling, I felt her resolve melt and she let go of any resistance she was thinking about building up and she leaned into me. She moaned softly as I clutched her beautiful ass. Good, I thought, I  couldn't allow her to get it into her mind that she should stop loving me. I had to destroy that thought before it even could fully form in her mind. She seemed to be debating whether or not to kiss me back and I whispered desperately into her mouth, "help me y/n please- please- I need you, heal me y/n with your love. It hurts, I'm hurting heal me my flower." I had whispered that into her perfect full mouth sincerely, but also because I knew she couldn't bring herself to leave me when I was in need, when I needed help- when I was in pain. If I showed her the weakest parts of me, her resolve to leave me would crumble. Just as it had a few moments ago when I made her realize she in fact, did want to kiss me.

I couldn't help but feel awash in happiness as she whispered, "oh no Illumi baby, ohhhhh." She finally closed her eyes and kissed me back deeply. She tightened her legs around me and pushed her breasts into me. I groaned as she wrapped us both in her aura and a beautiful humid breeze and it weaves its way around us snd between us. She smiled into the kiss and tugged on my hair slightly. I leaned back and her lips briefly parted from mine. I missed her lips warming mine but I observed her expectantly. She furrowed her eyebrows as she looked deeply into my eyes and she whispered , "oh Illumi, I don't want you don't cry anymore, please baby don't be sad because of me. I'm here for you, I'll help you, I'll-, I just don't want you to hurt any more than you already do because of this- because you're a Zoldyck." I nodded and said softly, "my flower I won't cry if you promise to always love me, please?" She thought for a spilt second and her expression softened even more than it already had. I watched in awe as her expression her aura, and even her body language shifted to that of radiating, unconditional understanding and adoration for me. For me. She kissed my cheek and whispered, "oh Illumi I promise you I will love you forever. I promise you that, I promise you." She smiled as her comforting, warm, and almost maternal aura surrounded me. She made me feel completely shielded from the world- wholly and utterly safe. She smiled and closed her eyes as trailed her hands along my form, as if she was memorizing me. Wherever her hands had touched felt holy and otherworldly. I wondered dimly as I watched her if this is what that fucking bastard got to feel all of the time- or if it was somehow even better. As she touched me she furrowed her brows and whispered, " you're so tense- there's nothing to be angry about. Loosen up, please?" Her sweet words and honeyed tone did something to me snd I groaned as I felt myself get hard. She frowned slightly but only trailed her hands through my hair. I shivered at as her feather light touch seemed to send ripples of pleasant, tingling energy down my spine throughout my body. I arched my back as she slid her hands down my chest and along the outsides of my thighs. I wished I was naked, I wished in this moment her hands were unobstructed and that she could bless me with her sweet fingertips brushing me. She leaned back and slid her hands down to my feet as she slipped my shoes and socks  off. There were a multitude of things I wanted to stay and do- but all I did was release my own aura so our auras mixed together to make a darkish purple. I was frozen with awe in our perfect moment together. She opened her eyes and I watched her play with my toes. She sang the song she told me about at our sleepover and I watched on happily as she winked at me and tickled my feet. I sighed happily and This- this was the consummation of our love. I did nothing and whispered, "oh my flower you're gorgeous, you're perfect, words cannot describe your purity, your absolute holiness." She scoffed and said, "yeah well anybody's an angel when you compare them to your family. No offense though..."  she trailed off and I happily watched her squirm with discomfort as she chewed on her lip anxiously. Unable to restrain myself any longer I pressed my erection into the apex of her thighs and her eyes shot wide open. If I could just get her to be with me without Hisoka's permission my deal with him would be unnecessary and I could prove that she doesn't fully belong to him. This was the perfect, deciding moment that I could be with her. it was the perfect moment- we had just solidified our love and our bond needed to be consummated.

Y/n POV
Illumi prowled toward me as my heart leaped in my chest. I shivered in my underwear and realized how we had gone from a slow, loving embrace to him naked and crawling on top of me. My head spun as he tried to pull off my underwear and my hands trembled as I pushed on his chest and pleaded, "s-stop Illumi, i- we're- and this isn't ok! Please! Get off me!" He pressed his body into me snd my knees shook as he pressed his cock into my panties. He grinned and whispered, "and you're perfect! Give yourself to me- you're too divine to be just for him. Let me have you, let me love you, let's make love y/n, let me impregnate you." He ripped my underwear down and his smile grew tenfold. It reminded me of the smile in he gave me in Trick Tower snd the smile he gave me before he took my virginity and I immediately snapped my legs shut as I trembled and shook my head frantically "n-no!" My heart leaped out of my chest and my eyes welled with tears as he frowned and whispered while gently trying to pry my legs apart, "my flower you love me and I love you! Let's make love, please! Let me in!." I splayed my hands over his chest and I pushed him lightly. He gripped my wrist and said, "let this happen my flower." I trembled and almost started to cry as I felt so overwhelmingly confused and powerless in this moment. I whispered while looking up at him, "Lumi stop I said I don't want this... you're scaring me, g-get off me please! Now! Get off me!." His desperate hunger for me melted away snd he jumped back like I had burned him. He looked at me and whispered, "oh no flower- you'll- you must forgive me. You're love, your aura- it caused me to be so ..." he frowned and looked down at his erection. I pursed my lips and put my clothes back on quickly. My fear transformed into anger as I scoffed and said while looking at his still naked body, "oh so it's my fault that you were this fucking close to raping me?" His frown deepened and he said , " no no no please don't say those words- I didn't want to- I didn't mean to scare you- I just wanted you to want me too. Like you wanted me during our sleepover. Your promise and the way you were was just so- so wonderful, it was a perfect moment." I crossed my arms and said, "yeah Illumi, it was a perfect moment- and you fucking ruined it. Maybe Hisoka is right about you after all. You haven't changed at all since the Hunter's Exam! You keep pulling me into your shit and I'm too thick to actually realize you're just manipulating me all the goddamned time! You don't even love me! You're insane!" I watched his face melt into despair and he fell to his knees. He started begging for my forgiveness and I rolled my eyes and said, "this isn't ok Lumi, you can't keep doing ducked up shit to me and expect me to forgive you! What's wrong with you? You almost- you tried to rape me! I should've slammed you into a fucking wall instead of just whimpering under you like that. I should've- should've bit your cock off! You made me kiss you then..." His lips trembled as he pressed his forehead into the ground and pleaded, "no no don't be angry with me! I- I- I didn't mean to force myself onto you I didn't-" I scoffed and said, "oh so you didn't mean to pry my legs apart and say 'let this happen y/n' because they shit sounds pretty fucking rapey to me- Illumi what were you thinking?! are you even sorry?" He started to cry and he yelled while looking up at me from the floor- "yes! Yes! YES! YES! YES! I'm so very sorry! I need you! I need you to help me! I need you! You're light itself, y/n you're my flower- please forgive me- I'd never do-" As I walked out I laughed grimly and said, "ha! but you just did. I'm going to go find my man." Illumi shivered and tried to run after me, despite being wholly naked. I stepped outside and I turned toward him. I narrowed my eyes and pointed at the threshold for the door. I said firmly, "Illumi I swear to God if you cross that threshold before I've found Hisoka I will never ever let you touch me or even get remotely close to me ever again. Understood?" He clasped his hands together and nodded curtly. He examined my face then frowned. He whispered another apology and I said angrily, "I don't want to fucking hear it, ok? Where's Hisoka?" Illumi looked down and said quietly, "I don't know." "Ha! Of course you don't! Why should you care about my husband anyway? He's only the goddamned love of my life! I need to go apologize!" I stared at Illumi's now pathetic and docile expression a stark contrast to the domineering desparste man he'd just been when he almost raped me. I tried to think of the worst insult I could, to really hurt him and I yelled, "You- You don't even love me Illumi! You fucking hate me don't you! You hate me!" Illumi balled his fists snd he replied angrily, " how dare you suggest that again!? How dare you! I love you to the ends of the earth y/n, I'd do anything for you! I love you so much your absence causes me physical pain! I love you so much that I need you to live! I could've killed him y/n! I almost did! I left him alive- I had him healed for you! For you y/n! I keep that monster alive for you! That's how much I love you y/n. And you dare suggest I don't? What's wrong with you?!" I cut him off and spat, " you keep him alive because you know full well that if you didn't I'd despise you forever. Don't try to act like you did that for me- you did it for yourself. Quit fucking with me until you have your shit sorted out!" He stared at me in silence as I stomped away and I felt his eyes following me and I shivered- knowing he was watching my very move as headed back toward his home to retrieve my lovely, immaculate, supportive Love.

Timeskip

Once I had ran back to the mansion I had attempted to follow Hisoka's aura but I had gotten lost along the twisting pathways of the Zoldyck household. I considered calling Gotoh and asking if any of the staff remembers saw where Hisoka went but I figured it would be best to just follow his scent and his aura myself. He was mine, after all. I quickly went back to my room to wash up and drink some water and change into one of his outfits Hisoka had picked for me. I wanted to look as innocent as possible to try to convince him not to hurt me because of how I hurt him. A pit and f dread began to curl in my stomach and slither its way into my throat as I looked into the closet at his symbols. They seemed to mock me as I finally settled on a white lace picnic style dress. As per usual-  over each breast was a diamond and a heart. I even painted a star and a tear on each cheek like his. I already had his card earrings in my ears from Angeles Los and I was so thankful they had survived getting chucked out a window and being thrown around inside a storm of my own making. I anxiously put on red eyeshadow that matched the color of the dress and was reminiscent of his hair. I pulled my hair up into a bun on top of my head and out res lipstick on to match. I looked at myself in the mirror and my appearance practically screamed, "I'm Hisoka's bitch." I smiled at the thought and threw my Hunter's License in my bra. But then I grit my teeth- trying to figure out how I'd apologize once I found him- and that's hoping he still was around anyway. He made a habit of leaving me alone once something happened, probably a manifestation of his debilitating fear of being left by his loved ones. I frowned at the thought as it brought me pain to think of him in pain.

I wandered the hallways I had to force myself not to panic as I searched for him. I had to urge myself to calm down and think clearly- which was difficult considering my current state of mind- which was not working at full capacity by any means. I After about 45 minutes of trying to sense his aura I pulled out my map Gotoh had given me and I marked off all the ways I had already been and I circled the general direction I felt Hisoka. His aura felt faint- like he was far away or only letting a tad out to begin with. I knew he'd be upset- but exactly how upset- and what he'd say or do was a tossup. Worst case scenario he kills me for breaking our promise we made to each other 9 years ago (which I don't think I did) . Best case scenario he forgives me snd we hug it out and he understands. I think maybe it would be in the middle? I shook my head and decided I'd roam around on the floor above this one. I sighed as I opted for the stairs, hoping there'd be a way he'd forgive me, and he'd feel secure knowing my love for him trumps all else in this world.

Timeskip
Finally, I had zeroed in on his location. I entered what looked like an open topped courtyard area. There was an expanse garden bursting with fragrant flowers in bloom, and vibrantly colored trees swaying in the wind, beckoning me closer. For a moment, I just took in my surroundings and figured if I had to die anywhere in this mansion, I'd want it to be here. I saw strands of Hisoka's bungee gum flowing throughout the wind and I tore my eyes away from the beautifully artistic spectacle before me. I walked toward Hisoka, who was lounging on a branch on a a cherry blossom tree. His arm hung off the side and he frowned listlessly up at the sky as the petals blew throughout the wind and landed on his unmoving body.

I nervously looked up at him and I took in the heart wrenching sight of him in pain. I cleared my throat and said, "Finally I found you. I was afraid you'd turn off your aura to hide from me today. I wanted to apologize to you, for what I said earlier." He sighed and examined his nails and whispered silkily , "Well Love, it took you long enough as it is. why would I turn my aura off and make myself wait all the much longer due to your incompetence my dear?" I awkwardly pat my thighs and I whispered, "yes ok I understand that you're mad-" he rolled off the side of the branch snd his molten sunshine colored eyes flashed angrily as he bared his teeth st me and whispered while absentmindedly shaping his aura between he fingers in the shape of a dolphin, "mad? Love, mad can't begin to describe it. You promised me to love me- to be by my side forever- to be my best friend in exchange for me loving you as more than just my toy. Because it's you I've loved so deeply to the depths of my soul that you've become ingrained with me y/n. Your being has been and always will be intertwined with mine. that's why when you treat him as anything more than your toy, and start to love him you're killing me. I have my toys that I play with too, but I don't LOVE them, like you do! Do you understand that you are mine your love is just for me dear? Or am Inot enough for you? Do I not fulfill you? Hmmm?" He dropped down from the tree and landed on his feet with a thud. I looked at his face which was normally alight with happiness and mischief, but now he seemed to be eerily calm and rimmed with subdued anger. his thick muscled figure shifted as he crossed his arms and looked at me up down. I just looked at him while playing with the edges of my dress and he scoffed. My heart sank and I realized for the first time in a long time, I felt intimidated by him, and I felt scared of losing him. my heart pounded as I closed the distance between us, but I still stayed about three feet apart. His eyes bore into me and he put his hands on his his and looked down at me condescendingly. My knees wobbled as I fell to the floor before him. I clutched my hands together and ignored the gravel puncturing my knees"Hisoka Morrow you're my heart- my everything. Our love is all I've ever wanted- you're all I'll ever need. That's the truth. You'll always be apart of me. I'll keep my promise to you- I'll love you forever and never leave you! Never! I made that promise to you when I was  nine, and I don't care if I'm 19 or 90, I'll always be by your side- I'll always be your wife! No one, not even he can change that!" . He cocked his head and head his hand on top of my mine and a smile returned crept back into his face. I could tell he enjoyed me being the one tracking him down and me being the one on my knees before him. I could tell he was about to speak so before he could say anything I looked down and said to his shoes, "Illumi also needs me, he needs us. His existence is one of pain, Hiso and I have the power to he-" Hisoka crouched down snd his eyes gleamed with insanity as he shoved his face in my and drawled, "oh and mine isn't an existence of pain? What do you think my life would be without your love, hmmm?" I took a deep breath and touched my hand to his chest. My soul shuddered at the thought of us being apart. He ignored it and focused his attention on me. I grimaced and I said, "Hiso you're in pain, and I know your pain and I know your past and I still love you." He furrowed his brows slightly and I continued as my voice shook, "you know so much pain Hiso- so much. You know suffering just as much as anyone else. You've known some of the worst pain I've ever seen. And that's why when I see that same pain in Illumi- I can't allow him to be alone, just as I could never bear to leave you and make you alone. Illumi is just like you and I'd have to spend part of my time with him anyway because of the contract and I know I couldn't spend time alone with him every month and not want to, not need to help him. Illumi loves me and he needs my love to bring him light. I won't touch him, I won't be with him,I'll find a way to get him to agree to a platonic love, I promise you." I refocused on Hisoka after I gave my piece and Hisoka's hawk hand flew down and clutched my throat.

He wasn't squeezing but his grip on me and his small smile conveyed a clear message, "be quiet and don't you dare move." My eyes widened and my heart pounded and I broke out into a cold sweat. I wanted so badly to say his name to ask what was going on, to ask if he had heard anything I had just said, but I didn't. I just trembled under his grip and hoped he knew, hoped he felt how much we needed each other, how much I needed him. My eyes watered and he purred, "such a long winded explanation for such a clear message that I'm no longer yours, that you no longer love me. I knew you'd leave me, I knew it was simply too wonderful to last, my Love." I wanted to bang my head into a wall with frustration- did he not understand anything I had said to him? He gently put pressure on my windpipe and my eyes watered. His bottom lip wavered as he whispered, "I'm so- so sorry Love. It just that if you're going to love him and leave me you're of no use to me anymore. You'll wait for me, won't you?." Wait for him? Where? At the gates of Hell? Tears streamed out of his eyes and as he began to asphyxiate me he sobbed, "I'm so sorry Love, b-but everyone leaves me, and I can't let you love him too- I can't let you leave me my Love. I can't bear it. You're simply too perfect for me. I can't let you leave me" My vision went blurry and instead of screaming or gasping for breath, I told him what was etched into my heart mind body and soul: "Hiso,  I'd die without you. I'll never leave you- even if you kill me or throw me out a window a thousand times. I'll never leave y- *cough*" his hand was tightening slowly but surely and I I knew it would be over soon and I looked into his beautiful face. I clutched onto the fabric of his shirt and I choked out as tears streamed down my own face, "I'll never stop loving you, I'll never leave you. I'll let you kill me if that's what would make you happy, because I want you to be hap-." I started to get dizzy and i felt my body begin to get sluggish and my mind become clouded with a pleasant fog. I looked at him as my vision went out of focus and I grinned at him and laughed, i cant believe I'm getting killed by my own husband! Am i in a Shakespearean play? I opened my mouth but I couldn't breathe this time and I blew Hisoka a kiss and mouthed, "I'll never leave you, I love you I never leave you." I smiled as I saw his face soften and I felt my body start to convulse and I wondered dimly what he'd do without me. I whispered a silent goodbye to him then Elaine then to Illumi and finally to my friends from back home and my new friends from The Hunter Exam. I felt like a fish out of water but I also felt the over pain in my throat and I wished I could laugh! I felt like laughing! What a mess! What a mess! What a mess! Ha! I tried to ignore the pain and slight crunching sounds in my throat. I looked at him and winked as my vision darkened and I felt oddly like I was returning to the womb.

As I slipped into a blinding and confusing abyss of both darkness and light, I dimly felt him his hand off my throat and kiss my forehead. I opened my mouth to laugh in silence as I wondered if that part was a dream  I tried to grasp air but found that the world had none to give offer to me.