Your POV
He left so fast I was still trying to process what made him so upset. Then, I decided it wasn't my job to interpret his every emotion, especially when he clearly didn't want to talk to me. He was so fickle and it got really got to me sometimes. I went through my the pockets of my clothes and I retrieved my phone. It looked like I had been out for a whole day. My eyebrows shot up as I realized I was late morning. I just assumed the light streaming in through the curtains was an afternoon light, but I was wrong. It I went back to the bathroom and I noticed Hisoka had neatly folded a stack of fresh clothes and underwear for me on top of the toilet. There were two Tylenol pills in the stack of clothes. I grimaced, wondering how I didn't see that earlier. Maybe it was wrong of me to call him selfish when all he seemed to do was care for me. But still, just because he cared for me didn't negate the fact that he was, in general a selfish person. His whole driving force in life was to find strong people to fight so he could fulfill his masochistic desires. I mean, he didn't really have any morals either. When didn't something didn't concern me he used the  "does this please/benefit me or does it not please/benefit me?" method to decide what to do. He was more of a chaotic neutral than anything. But? When it came to me he was still himself but much kinder, gentler, and caring. maybe that's why he got offended. I wished i could just go back to sleep and wake up and the last few hours were just a bad dream. When Hisoka when he was happy or content, he was an absolute joy to be around and I never had felt so carefree, special, and loved in anyone else's presence. But, on the other side of the coin, he kept secrets like it was a hobby and ran off sometimes without telling me where he was going or why and he made it his job to be cryptic and difficult about his feelings. so, had the potential to make me the happiest I've ever been in my life, but he also had the potential to make me utterly miserable, like I was right now. Usually, it was about 80% of the time was great, but the other 20% was a toss up. In our childhood he was a piece of work too, but once I turned 17 and we started developing romantic feelings for one another he got worse at managing his feelings and his already erratic and self-centered behavior became worse as well. I shook my head pursed my lips at remembering his hurtful behavior just now. He always found a way to make up for it, or bring me back to forgiving him, but I hated him for it sometimes. He was many things, but stable was not one of them, unfortunately for me. It's like he actively tried to be messy just to keep our relationship unpredictable. I sighed.

I used the restroom and cleaned myself up. I took the Tylenol and put the clothes Hisoka had set out for me on. It was a green crop top with a diamond and a heart over each breast, coupled with silky tight black pants that flared out at the bottom. There were even some comfortable red sandals to put on. I frowned as I looked at myself in the mirror. Everything I was wearing reminded me of him. I hated how I made Hisoka upset and I tried to call him. He didn't pick up and I knew he might be MIA for a while. It was his M.O. to disappear without warning. "Well that's a selfish thing to do." I mumbled out loud while crossing my arms. I looked down and found myself wanting to cry at the whole fucking situation. I willed myself to pull it together and I looked at my phone to check the time. I grimaced at the texts Illumi, Elaine and Kei had all sent me.

Illumi had tried to call me an obscene amount of times and I wanted to call him back to thank him as soon as I could. But, I reminded myself that Hisoka wouldn't like that. I shrugged and decided if Hisoka was going to be a bitch he didn't get to have a say in anything right now. First I text Elaine to tell update her on my ok condition. I left out the part about the ahem, homemade tattoo- that's something I'd have to tell her in person- because god knows I needed someone to talk to right now an unload my baggage onto. I sniffed and opened the curtains and looked outside. I took a picture of my surroundings and sent it to her so she had an idea of where I was. I was in Angeles Los, but I had no idea what region.I nodded in satisfaction and called Illumi. He picked up on the first ring. "Hello, Illumi?" I asked tentatively. He replied calmly, yet eagerly, "y/n it's so good to hear your voice, how are you?" I exhaled and put him on speakerphone. I threw my phone on the bed and jumped into bed next to it. I sighed again and said, "I'm ok Illumi, I just wanted to thank you big time. I think you're a real pain in the ass, but when I call, you answer and I don't know you to express my gratitude to you. I just need you to know that- that well" I coughed not wanting to say it but I felt obligated to, "that well, uh, without you I would've been in real trouble so uh, I'm very grateful that you helped me when I needed it, that you supported me in a time of need." I paused remembering his calm, strict, and precise guidance. His complements spurred me on and motivated me to do better. I coughed awkwardly and I continued, "you did a really good job, Illumi, at helping me. I was really freaking out, and I've never conjured like that before and I uhhhhhhhhh, I appreciate your help guidance." There was silence on the other line. "Illumi?" I questioned. He sniffed and said in a low tone, "y/n I'm here for you whenever you need me, no matter what. I'd never neglect or abandon you without warning." I winced and I knew that was a direct jab at Hisoka. It stung because that's what Hisoka did on a regular basis and it hurt all the more after he had hurt me earlier, even if it was inadvertently. As I recalled the past hours I my stomach dropped as my tears resurfaced and begun to pool in my eyes. I said one thing and he left and made it seem like it was my fault, that I hurt him and he didn't want to tell me why. He just left me to wallow in uncertainty and anxiety. I was used to him popping in and out when we were kids but when we were married it was different, it hurt more, this time it felt more personal. I choked back a sob and I willed myself to woman up. I was not going to have a breakdown while talking to Illumi. I'm a strained voice I said, "*cough* Illumi, I'm just going to have to call you back." I cringed as my voice cracked on the word 'back' and Illumi whispered into the phone, "my y/n what's the matter? Please tell me, I'm here for you, always." I dropped my head and I breathed to steady my tone, and I tried to say as happily as I could manage, "no Illumi, it's ok, really, im ok. I'm hanging up now,ok?" I reached for my phone and in the most menacing tone I've heard him use he seethed, "y/n don't you dare hang up this phone call." He whispered, "do not leave me when you are in pain." Tears welled in my eyes and I pressed my hands to my mouth, silencing my sobs. In a gentler, quieter tone he said, "let it out, please, I want to soothe you, I want to help you, I want to share your burden I want to know. I want you to tell me, Please." And that was it. I started sobbing and crying out in pain. Emotional pain, the pain of my whole body aching from being fucked senseless by a Hisoka, pain at being branded in my sleep, pain at Hisoka not communicating his feelings but instead running away to do god knows what with god knows who. I cried and cried and through my tears I told unloaded it all on Illumi. How i had woken up bloody and scared and discombobulated. How it hurt so much to Hisoka, and how my heart and my body was aching because of him. I told him about how I now has scars on me, because of Hisoka, his markings. I kept crying and continued, "I mean I wanted them, b-b-but not like this, not like this, not like this, never like that, never like this." My lips trembled and Illumi interjected and said softly, "open the door, y/n, I'm here."

My eyes widened and I said into the phone "w-what?" I wiped my nose with a nearby tissue and I got up and my body trembled as I walked to the door. Tears were running down my face and I opened it and there stood Illumi. His long black hair swayed behind him, his deep, dark eyes were trained on me. He wore a form form fitting sky blue/turquoise pants and tank top. I looked up at his beautifully understanding face and I cried "oh, Illumi." and fell into his arms.

He wrapped his arms around me protectively and walked inside and closed the door behind him. In one fluid motion he scooped me up in his arms and sat on the bed, cradling me. I held onto his shirt for hear life and cried into his chest, my tears and snot all over his shirt.

Trigger warning? Like mentioning painful sex but not like doing it

My body was wracked with violent sobs and I said, "Hisoka fucked me the hardest he's ever done me and left without warning or telling me why he left, or if he was mad at me or what I did. he-he- he j-j-just branded me, fucked me, and left, Illumi, he just fucks me and leaves without an explanation. He just abandons me and leaves me to w-wallow in pain and uncertainty!It hurts Illumi, my whole body hurts- he-he- he did me so hard I had to use my nen to protect myself. I can still remember him spreading my legs and pushing me onto my knees and with every thrust I'd tremble. I tried to like it for him, I tried to be strong for him but oh god Illumi, it hurts so bad, Illumi it hurts, he hurt me so bad, oh Illumi-its so bad, it- it huuuuurts." I buried my face into his chest and his soothing presence and solid hold on me steadied my shaking, aching body.

Trigger warning over

I cried more and I talked and Illumi wrapped his arms around me and kissed me gently on the lips. I savored the feeling and I let him kiss my tears away. New tears brimmed at my eyes as I looked into his deep pools of blackness that were his eyes. He held me to his chest and whispered, " it's ok, y/n, I'm here now, I'll protect you, you can cry to me, you can tell me anything. Shhhhhhhh, it's ok." I was soothed by his calm, even voice and I stared into his eyes. I could get lost in them, I decided. I could live in that darkness and let it envelop me and I'd absolutely love it. It would be Like being within his consciousness. The darkness he exuded in this moment  like a healing type of darkness that would hide me and protect me from my pain. I could lose myself in him, in his eyes forever and I would love it, I thought.

In that moment I wanted Illumi inside me. I wanted it to be like my first time again and I wanted Illumi to comfort me, I wanted him to stay with me, I wanted him to protect me. I knew that was wrong and I still loved Hisoka. so, instead I just laid down and held my arms out for him to lay with me. He smiled a small smile and laid down beside me. He turned so he was facing me and he pulled me into him. He smelled like iron, blood, and fresh, crisp mountain air. I inhaled his scent and let it envelop me. I cried and mumbled about how, "Hisoka leaves all the time, but this time it hurt so much Illumi- it hurts so much to love him sometimes. It's just overwhelming sometimes, he's overwhelming me, Illumi. He had the potential to make me so damn happy, but also so-ugh- just so miserable!" Illumi nodded and wrapped his lithe arms around me and intertwined his long, toned legs with mine. He nodded in understanding and kissed me again gently. I kissed him back and clutched his shirt. This time, i kissed him, I enjoyed his taste, the taste of pine, and cold mist and bloodied metal. It was cool and was the complete opposite of Hisoka's warm, darkly sweet taste. I opened my mouth to Illumi and I let him snake his tongue into me and dominate my mouth. His tongue caressed every inch of my mouth and I wrapped my arms tightly around him and clutched his shirt. I felt his heartbeat against mine as I let his taste make me forget Hisoka's. I closed my eyes and leaned closer into him, savoring his calm warmth. He pulled out of the kiss softly and whispered, "it's ok, I'm here now, I'm here. You can tell me whatever you want and I'll listen because I love you with everything I possess." I nodded in gratitude and buried my face into the area between his neck and collarbone. I whispered into his cold skin, "thank you, Illumi. For everything, I- I need you now, I just need you, Illumi." He stroked my hair with his nimble fingers and he said matter of factly- "I know."

Once I had told him just about everything and my sobs were no longer loud wails, just small quiet cries I sat quietly in his arms. I stroked his long silky hair as I stared into his eyes. I felt his cold hand pressing into the small of my back, pressing my body into his. He looked at me sympathetically as I began to cry quietly again over not just this time with Hisoka, but all the times in the past when he had hurt or offended me. I kept looking into his bottomless, seemingly lightless eyes and I gazed into them. I let my problems melt away and I focused on him. On Illumi's cold, yet stable and supportive presence. I focused on On his deep and dark eyes, his long majestic hair, his graceful form, his smell, the feeling of his skin, everything. I hugged him tightlyI lost myself in him.

Small time skip

"My y/n, you stopped crying. I'm very glad to see that I was able to help you." Still slightly in a trance I said nothing as I looked into his eyes. He smiled and stroked my face with his hand. I closed my eyes and instinctively moaned at his touch. He froze and quickly leaned in to kiss me. I felt my vagina moisten and het up with desperation as Illumi sat up and softly pulled me onto his lap. I wrapped my legs around him and I opened my mouth to him and my warm lips on his cold mouth made me shiver. Though, the slight warmth of his body and his tight, loving grip on my ass made me want more, so much more from him. I moaned again and he kissed me harder and I started to pant, "oh Illumi, I need you, please get inside of me, I'm so wet for you Illumi I need you to make me forget him, make me yours Illumi, ahhhhhhhhh." I whispered desperately. He aggressively kissed my neck and he ripped my shirt and bra off and threw it to the side. He quickly ripped off his own clothing. He pressed his lips into my breasts and lifted his head up to caress my lips with his. He drank in my saliva as we kissed and he groaned loudly and said while squeezing me, "I missed your taste my goddess, I missed your soft body, i miss talking to you, I miss your voice, I miss your smile, I miss you being under me, I miss your moans, I miss your little whimpers, I missed your tight little virgin vagina. I loved defiling you, I loved it, I love you. I loved providing you with your first time. You're mine, you're mine, you're mine and I'll take care of you. Please Let me take you again, let me claim you again, y/n let me make you smile, let me comfort you, give yourself over to me my goddess, let me in. Please let me in, let me inside." I moaned and fell back onto the bed and threw my legs while open for him.Tears gathered in my eyes as I felt my aching vagina throb and gush expectantly. he looked at me hungrily, his dark eyes widening to take in my sight. He growled and my heart beat raced as I bit my lip and opened my legs wider for him. He stalked ober to me and positioned himself on top of me. I gazed up into his dark eyes and pale face and I loved his cool touch as he kissed me softly. I closed my eyes and leaned into his body.

He whispered to me while slipping inside me softly, " I love you, my flower." I looked up at him as I felt an intense blush. As I gazed into his eyes and beheld his naked body, I realized what I was doing what we were doing. Even though I had wanted and I still want it so desperately, I couldn't do that to Hisoka, even still. "Illumi" I whispered. He broke out of our kiss and looked at me looked down at me in question and I said quietly, " we-we can't do this it's not right for me to..." I trailed off and my cheeks burned with shame. I frowned and said, "I'm such a bad person, I can't believe I did this to him, please Illumi just stop." Illumi eased himself out of me and my lip trembled snd I cursed myself for being so weak and betraying Hisoka like this, especially with Illumi. I sat up and gathered my knees up to my chest. "I'm so weak! I'm too weak for him!" I whispered into my knees. Tears started to stream down my face again and I looked to Illumi then the ceiling as I cried and I screamed out in frustration and disappointment in myself, "I'm so weak!" Illumi said nothing as he gathered me into his arms and slipped my underwear back on me. I was in a ball and put on his underwear and set me between his legs and wrapped his arms and legs around me. I wrapped my arms around his midsection and tears streamed out my eyes and I hugged him tightly. He, for better or worse was slowly becoming my confidant, my comfort for when Hisoka left me alone and upset. I hated myself for it but at the
same time a small part of me was so glad I had Illumi to come to if things went wrong, and I needed help. I clutched onto him and he held me and whispered, "it's ok, shhhhhhhh. You're not weak, this is Hisoka's doing, my flower. If Hisoka didn't treat you like this then you wouldn't need me. But you do need me, don't you my flower?" I cried and nodded reluctantly . he kissed my tears away and held me like he was holding a precious and fragile piece of artwork. He caressed my hair and listened to my cries and mumbles until I calmed down. His presence made me feel shielded from the outside world and I sighed and hugged him.

When my crying subsided fully he gently pushed me down onto the bed and he lightly kissed my face, cheeks, neck eyelids, nose, collarbone, breasts. He he moved gracefully across my body and kissed me all the way down to my stomach. I arched my back in pleasure as I felt my nipples harden with arousal. "Wha-what at you doing Illumi?" I said while blushing fiercely. He looked down at me and caressed my inner thigh and he kissed my chin. He whispered softly, " you don't like it when I kiss you on your lips or when I ease myself inside you. So I'll kiss you everywhere else and I won't go inside you. But I will make you smile today." He pulled my desperately and I gasped. He kneeled between my legs and gently kissed my feet and legs and worked his way up to the apex of my thighs. His mouth hovered right over my panties and his cold fingers slowly slipped my pink panties down my thighs. He grinned eerily as he took in the sight of my panties slowly coming down my thighs and sticky strands of my juices came down with it. He slid them off completely, his light touch brushing my calves. I watched him as he bunched up my panties smelled them deeply while closing his eyes. I moaned at the sight of him inhaling my scent deeply. I massaged my breasts desperately as I watched him as he hungrily looked at my soaking entrance as he stroked himself. I bit my lip and held my breasts as I trembled and looked at him helplessly. He threw my underwear to the side and clutched my thighs and took in my vulnerability. I knew he loved seeing me so helpless and I hated how helpless I felt, but I was exhausted and I just wanted nothing more than to give myself over to him. This time with Illumi I didn't mind feeling this vulnerable, so stripped of power. This time, I wanted him, truly. because his domineering, yet caring presence would overtake me and I wanted to be overtaken. I felt alone and helpless and confused because of Hisoka's actions, and it was Illumi who was here to comfort today. It was Illumi who in this moment wanted to protect me, and I wanted to be shielded from my emotions, I wanted to be protected, this time. He seemed to understand all of this as he studied my face and moved on top of mr sync he put his hand in mine. I looked up at his pale face and his long silky black hair created a curtain around us and he caressed my face gently. I looked up at his sheet white face, his hands snaked down to my vagina and I bit my lip and willed myself to remember Hisoka, my crazy best friend and husband, despite this elegant dark angel who was hovering above me. I squeezed my eyes shut and closed my legs, "d-don't do it, Illumi, please. Don't." He spread my legs wider and licked his lips. He stroked himself and I moaned and tried to hold myself back, to remember Hisoka, my husband and first love. Weakly, I said, "p-pl-please Illumi n-n-n-n not there, I can't, we can't, I can't do that to Hisoka, I uhhhhhh, I just cant." Illumi looked at me hungrily and i felt my breasts tighten and I arched my back desperately, against my will. He hummed wnd looked down to me, and I embraced the sight of his long hair framing his face and accentuating his midnight eyes. He brushed his icy fingers along the inside of my upper thigh, and stared at me expectantly, waiting for permission. I wanted him so badly, I wanted his cold embrace, but I just couldn't do that to my mate. I whispered sadly, "please, Illumi we can't." I Suppressed a load moan as he pushed his slender body into mine and leaned down and whispered into my ear, "why my flower, why? You want me, you want this, you want me, I can see it in your expression, I love you so much, please let me in, let me pleasure you, allow me to heal you, to gently love you I can heal your pain." I believed he could but I squeezed my eyes shut I hoped he stopped now because if he didn't I knew I wouldn't have the strength to tell him no after this. I opened eyes and reached up to caressed his face snd neck with my hands. He just stared at me and I whispered "p-please Illumi, no." I wanted him more than words can express, every fiber in my body demanded that I take back my words but I harnessed all my willpower to keep my mouth shut after I said no and I looked up at him pleasingly to respect my wishes.

He sighed and stroked my hair. He said sadly, "as you wish, my fragile flower, I will refrain from doing what it is that I know you want." I sighed in relief aand he slowly moved from on top of me and put a little distance between us. I sat up looked over at him. He frowned, observing me. I held my arms out to him for a hug. he smiled a small smile and moved with catlike grave over next to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me into his lap. I looked up at him, and I brushed my thumb over his pale lips. I smiled a small smile and I whispered, "you need some sunshine, Illumi,baby. your face is bone white. I mean I love your face just the way it is but..." I grimaced at my awkwardness and my word vomit. he just he kissed my collarbones lightly with his cold lips and nuzzled his snowy white face into my neck. He sighed happily and held my tightly. I was completely naked save for my necklace with my wedding ring around it. *the author would like to point out the absolute irony* I felt so vulnerable with Illumi, but this time, I trusted him and I wasn't afraid of him anymore.He had supported and helped me before, and guided me through a stressful and traumatic situation. He helped me to harness my power with his guidance. Never before had I been able to actually conjure and create human flesh, that was unheard of. So we sat naked together, holding each other and I leaned my head onto his chest and I whispered, "thank you." He nodded and snaked his arm around my waist and held me to him even tighter.

I realized something and said softly as I clutched Illumi's shirt and rested my head on his shoulder, "this isn't fair to you, Illumi. I only call you when I need help and you're always there for me. I know you're in love with me, Illumi, this must be torture for you, I can't imagine how much this hurts you I'm-I'm so sorry. I just can't help anyone. Here I am seducing you and I'm married! I'm not worthy of your love, Illumi. Just-Just Let me go." I turned my head into his chest and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry again. He rubbed my back and cocked his head. His hair tumbled across his shoulders and said amused, "you are not seducing me, my flower. From what I've observed, i don't believe that you even posses that ability y/n." He paused and said, "you don't have to hold in your tears for me, y/n, you don't have to hold anything back when you're with me. You can say whatever you want, I will attempt to understand, you and I will make you feel safe." My lips trembled as I realized I wanted Illumi, I loved him in a way different from Hisoka but I still loved him nonetheless. I cried small salty tears of shame of almost having sex with Illumi. I buried my face into his into his long neck and I ran my fingers in his thick hair as I hugged him. I shook and Illumi hold on me steadied my body. he pet my head softly and whispered, "oh my flower, so precious you are my love. I will protect you. I will heal you, whenever you need me." He pressed his lips to my forehead and In this moment I didn't mind his slightly domineering aura, I needed him to take care of me in this moment. With him,, I wasn't forced to be strong like I had to be with Hisoka.

I whispered the truth into Illumi's bare chest through my tears of being emotionally overwhelmed, "i hate that I'm doing this to Hisoka, that I have these feelings for you, even after what you did to Hisoka, to me. But Illumi, i-i I can't help but feel rotten for doing this to him. I can't help but feeling rotten for wanting you, for enjoying all you do for me, how you make me feel, how much you care for and support me, for how much you pay attention to me and my feelings now. You've changed so much and I-"I looked up at Illumi and he said quietly, his intense gaze boring into my soul, "when someone so divine such as you is married to someone as wretched and perverted as Hisoka, it is natural for you to need to be protected from him, to be cared for like the sweet, soft, woman you are. You are his saving grace, his one redeeming quality, and you too deserve to be treated like the sacred goddess you are." My jaw dropped in awe and my heart flooded with warmth upon hearing his words. This time, he wasn't underestimating my strength, he was  acknowledging my need for support, my need to be handled and treated sensitivity and i was grateful for him in this moment. I hugged Illumi's toned body and I spewed out the the  thoughts that had been plaguing me, "It was Hisoka who respected strength and expected it from me. Or at least, that's how I felt. I felt like I had to endure his full strength during sex to make him happy, even if it hurt me, I felt like I had to be strong, but it hurt, Illumi, it hurt so much and everything about my time with him was..." His calm, methodical breathing soothed me, and calmed me down. I took a deep breath and I said softly, "he branded me while I was asleep and he tried to make it sound like I had consented because I said I wanted the tattoo a few days ago. But, that's not how consent works, but he was the worst I've ever seen him, I feel like I had to be strong for him, Illumi. He makes me feel so confused sometimes. He's so seductive and he makes me feel so happy and so excited but he also makes me feel so miserable, so uncertain about everything. Sometimes I just wish we would've stayed childhood best friends and ended it there. But instead, we grew fond of each other romantically after I turned 17. he pounced on me almost as soon as I turned 18 and now, I'm married to him. I love him with all my heart, but that just means any time he's upset or he hurts me it hurts all the more." Illumi nodded silently in understanding and kissed me softly as he held me. I leaned upward pressed my forehead to his snowy white complexion and he stared at me intensely with his night black eyes. I was physically tired and emotionally exhausted but I felt comfortable and content at finally being able to unload my burden fully onto Illumi, and having him pay attention just to what I wanted, and take care of just hold me softly and make me feel loved. So, I closed my eyes and fell asleep on him.

When I awoke it was mid afternoon and we were in the same position we were in before. My legs were wrapped around him tightly and his were legs loosely wrapped around me. His arms encircled me and when I lifted my head from his chest he combed his long nimble fingers through my hair and talked about his missions he's been doing, and his life in general, He talked to me about his missions of late. I nodded respectfully and listened to him intently. He was here for me, and the absolute least I could do was listen to him. Whenhe was finished, i talked with him and helped him to work though his emotions, helped him to dig out a small kernels of humanity and happiness aside from his ruthless assassinations that we're often scheduled back to back thus never allowing for a moment respite for him.I stroked his face as we discussed his most recent mission. He pet my head in return and said proudly, "I looked at the tulips before they became splattered with blood, y/n." For a moment I was confused then I remembered what I had told him in Atlantais. I sat up and hugged him, inadvertently pressing my breasts into his chest as I smashed into him with an aggressive hug. I pulled back and pat his head proudly while beaming at him. I admired his odd brand of handsomeness as I smiled at him. I said soothingly as I stroked his hair comfortingly, "good job, baby. What color were they Illumi?" He paused and said softly and gestures to his shirt on the floor, " they were the color of my shirt. I enjoyed them, y/n." I looked over at his shirt and saw a light turquoise, I frowned and my chest ached at his pain and listlessness he had expressed to me as he spoken about earlier. I whispered, almost inaudibly, "did the flowers make you happy, in that moment? Was it a nice distraction from all the death and killing? A beautiful bit life for you?" He frowned and nodded thoughtfully. I smiled while petting his glossy hair and I said soothingly, " that's a good thing Illumi, that's good baby, you did a good job." He kissed the corner of my mouth and clutched me in a tight hug. As he held onto me for dear life he whispered, "they made me so happy because they reminded my of talking with and being with you. That is why you are my flower." I my heart sank and said gently, "oh no, Illumi. It's like I said- You- you deserve better than to love a married woman- you- you just can't keep doing this to yourself! I only call you when I need you and Im not always kind to you, you can't love me, it's really sad!"  I looked away from his face and he took ahold of my shoulders and made me face him. He looked into my eyes intently as he wore a serious, almost murderous expression. He leaned forward and said firmly, "I make my own decisions y/n. I'm choosing to love you. Married or not, Hisoka or not, this is what I want. You are what I want. Never, ever tell me I can't love you. You may never love me back but I love you because I want to, because I choose to. I love you, because I choose to, because I-because that's exactly what I choose to do. Never say that to me again... I love you so much and I will never stop loving you." I nodded slowly in understanding and my heart sank deeper into the recesses of sadness for him and i took in his dejected expression. His face barely expressed any emotion at all, but now I could see it all in the way his mouth was positioned , the slight variations in his tone of speech, in the small movements of his eyebrows,  and how wide his eyes were, the slight variations in ways he moved. I looked at him and I figured if he had the ability to cry, he would've right in that moment. My heart went out to him and I whispered, "I do, Illumi. I love you, I-I- I love you Illumi." His thin black eyebrows shot up and his face softened with relief and joy. "you do y/n, are you telling me the truth, my flower? Are you in love with me?" He said while taking my hands. Tears gathered in my eyes and I said softly, " I-I love you Illumi. Im not in love with you, but I do love you and I do need you. Still, I can't leave Hisoka, I'll never leave Hisoka, i love him, I won't, I, I- just can't." He smiled and said, "you don't have to." I inhaled sharply and I said firmly, " wait, no, I'm not cheating on Hisoka. I'm not having an affair. Not now, not ever Illumi." I frowned as I realized Illumi had almost pleasured me twice just now. I wondered if that truly counted as cheating if I had stopped it right in the nick of time. I had no idea what exactly counted as really 'cheating' since Hisoka was really the only one I've been in a real relationship with. There were a few other boys I crushed on, but nothing serious so I never really stopped or consider it until now. I shrugged figuring I'd just ask Elaine and just not do whatever cheating officially entailed. I was snapped out of my thoughts when Illumi hugged me and said gratefully, " I wouldn't expect you to. We can just be friends, or whatever you would like us to be, y/n. Whatever it is that you want, I'll be just that for you. I'm just so glad to love you and be loved by you. That's all I've ever wanted, my flower, that's all."