Title: Heir of Magic

Author: OncerQueen16

Genre: Fantasy

So I know that you hope to get this published, so I'm going to look at this from a few perspectives. One, from a reader's perspective, two, a technical perspective, and three, my own perspective because I am a biased, opinionated human being. And for me, all those somehow got morphed together in my brain to form this review. I'm not sure how organized it'll be, since I have a lot that I want to say, but here we go.

Let's start from the beginning. Honestly, I think I might change the title of this book to Kennedy Drags Prologues. I was reading some of the comments on your book, and you said that in the next draft, you didn't include the flashbacks (which I fully support this decision), but I also don't think you need the prologue. It is not necessary to understand what's happening, since we immediately get shipped to a completely different character in Mirea, and it kills a lot of the mystery about her situation. In the prologue, we learn that Ravana and Jay are looking for a girl. Great. Naturally, we assume that's Mirea when she is the next character introduced. Later, in Chapter 4, we see that they found the girl they were looking for, so I don't understand why the prologue was included. For suspense? Starting at Chapter 2 would be more suspenseful, in my opinion.

Okay, next thing. I thoroughly enjoyed your style of writing. It has personality, you don't overdo the descriptions (which is very easy to do in fantasy, so nice job), and your sentence structure varies, so there's never a dull moment in the narration. I have the attention span of a gnat and I'm running on about an hour of sleep right now, but you kept me engaged in what was happening, and I didn't even want to fall asleep. Very nice job on that.

If I had to offer a few technical suggestions on style, the first would be to avoid using the impersonal "you." It's a little informal, and although it's not meant to imply the reader, it does. For example, in Chapter 6: "You could almost assume it was a castle if it weren't for the large banner above the door confirming that the institute before you was a school."  I'm not a character in your book. You said that you're young (How young? I need to know, in a non-creepy way.), and the way that writing is being taught currently is to avoid the passive voice at all cost. Sometimes, you just have to use it, though, to avoid the impersonal you, or you could use a character to avoid it.  It could be assumed that it was a castle if it weren't for the banner... OR Mirea would have assumed it was a castle... It fits a little better with your narration.

Moving on to your characters, I really like Adrian and Ira. Adrian is such a cutie, since he's so charming and full of energy, and he has plenty of personality, which is another aspect I really enjoy. Your book is definitely more plot-centered than character-driven, but even so, Mirea is a bit lackluster in comparison to your other characters, even the professors and Larson, who reminds me of Draco Malfoy so much, which is perfectly fine with me. I love that weasel. There are two notable things about Mirea, the fact that she has powers, and she has chemistry with Adrian, which is great, don't get me wrong. I love shipping. I don't really know anything about her personality, even though she has the potential to be something great. I really want to get to know her for who she is, not the judgement she receives, if that makes sense. But there's plenty of time for that to occur and for her to grow, so I'm excited for that.

In terms of grammar, there were a few issues, but that's going to happen in any first draft. The most consistent thing I saw was mixing up plurals and possessives. When there is more than one of something, there is no apostrophe, but if there is a contraction, or if something belongs to someone, there is an apostrophe. Two dogs vs. My dog's toy. Other than that, there wasn't anything really consistent, so nice job with that.

Final Assessment: Overall, I really enjoyed your book, even if I critiqued it quite a bit. Honestly, it comes from a place of love, and I do wish you all the best in your endeavors to get this published. I have complete faith in your abilities as a writer, and I think you really have something special. Your narration is an absolute pleasure to read, and I think with the few suggestions I have, this could be even better!

I would recommend this book to fantasy fans, or anyone looking for something interesting to read.