Fake Me to Church
Title: Fake Me to Church
Author: BlueJay325
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
I am back, everyone! Sorry this review took a little while. I had finals, but that's done and no longer important. What's important is this book.
Since I'm what the kids call a science nerd, I'm going to start with a little bit of fact checking. In one of the flashback chapters, you have your characters "splash" ethylene oxide on another character, which knocks her out for a while and leaves her with no problems whatsoever. At room temperature, ethylene oxide is a gas, and the liquid itself (which at 0 degrees Celsius, ethylene oxide is a liquid) is not going to cause anyone to pass out. What happens is that the vapor replaces the air that you're breathing in, and since you're not getting enough oxygen to your system, you pass out, and the toxicity of the gas takes care of the rest when you continue to breathe it in. This can happen even if you're breathing in helium gas from a balloon to make your voice all high and funny. To make a long story short, splashing ethylene oxide on someone's face isn't going to knock them out. I would suggest changing this to having a cloth covered with liquid ethylene oxide (which has health risks, like being carcinogenic and flammable), then press it against the face. That way, they're breathing in the vapors, which will give the effect you're looking for.
End of science rant. Holy ****, please ignore how nerdy that sounded.
While we are on this track, I want to talk about the backstory. You have parts of it written as flashbacks (sort of? I don't know what else to call them), which I think is an extremely effective way to handle it. Normally, flashbacks can be lazy, but since you're working in a genre that requires a significant amount of backstory, I think it works well. I even prefer the third person narrator in the flashbacks. You still have plenty of personality since you're writing from Lane's perspective, which leads me into my next point.
I really, really like your characters. I know that they're certainly not a nice group of people (besides Ahmed, who is a precious baby who must be protected at all costs), but you explain why they are the way they are. There's so much personality in them, and even though Steven is a misogynistic piece of trash, his sense of humor is right up my alley, and I'm willing to put up with the occasional stupid remark for some quality roasts. I don't mind his attitude at all, and it's nice to see him develop throughout your story.
Plus, I ship Ahmed and Steven. Sue me.
You put a lot of thought into each of your characters' backstories, and you don't overplay the sympathy card, which I am extremely grateful for. So many authors get caught up in, "Look, my character is such a sweetheart, and you should feel sorry for them because they had a tragic backstory," or, the much worse, "Yeah, I know my character is a garbage can, but they've been through a lot, so that excuses their behavior." Ahmed got disowned for not following his parents' idea of religion, and he's shy, sweet, and strong because of it. I really love Ahmed, because like I said earlier, he undergoes good development, and he feels less and less sorry for himself as the story goes on.
The characters are smart enough to be able to put some things together without having to be told, but they're not too smart in that they can figure everything out at the drop of a hat. The suspense is done well, since the characters generally find out information as the reader does as well. It's a balance to make your characters realistic, and you found it.
The characters are definitely your strong point in the story. Very nice job.
One minor thing is that you like to use italics a lot, which is not necessarily a bad thing. When you want to emphasize something, you put it in italics, which is fine when it is done sparingly, but it just seems that every other paragraph it is used. The reader knows what to emphasize. However, when your characters are reading a journal, using italics to set that off is done well. This is simply a stylistic preference for me, and there's nothing inherently wrong with using italics.
Grammar-wise, I certainly can't complain about anything there for the most part. You edited this well, and it shows that you care about the product that you put out. Very nice job.
Final assessment: I love that your characters aren't perfect, and they all have their own voices and sense of humor. The characters are definitely my favorite part of this book. The grammar is good, and the writing is filled with personality and easy to follow. Nice job. Maybe just clear up the one scene I talked about, and boom. You've got a promising start.
I would recommend this to lovers of mystery and people with a dark, sarcastic sense of humor.
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