Our love has gone cold
and it doesn't feel like home
when I hold you close

- Ebony Day version

⚛-⚛-⚛-⚛-⚛-⚛

Lianna

"You're here." I looked at my parents sitting on the sofa. Nagsi-lapitan ang mga katulong namin para kunin ang bags ko.

"Kaya ko na 'to." Sabi ko sa isa sa kanila bago kunin ang hawak kong maleta. For a moment they seemed a bit surprised, pero hinayaan nalang ako.

Tumayo si mom at lumapit. "You came back earlier than expected."

"Kuya's outside."

Matapos tanggalin ang sapatos ay nagsimula na akong maglakad paakyat ng kwarto. Ramdam ko ang katahimikan sa paligid na para bang nasesense na nilang may nangyari. Pero kahit pa ganun ay hindi sila nangungulit. Yeah well, I badly need some rest for now. Yun lang talaga ang nasa isip ko.

Sinungaling. Madami kang iniisip ngayon at gusto mo lang ikulong ang sarili mo kaya ka nagmamadaling umakyat.

Bumuntong hininga ako at binuhat ang bags pati na rin ang paghila sa maleta.

Aray, mabigat aray ko. Sayang sweldo ng mga katulong namin kung—

No. No no. I have to be independent.

Paano ko pa matutuloy ang plano ko kung sa ganito palang pagod na agad ako?

Sa bandang gitna palang ng hagdan ay napahawak na agad ako sa gilid para habulin ang aking hininga.

Why the hell is this motherfucking mansion so big?

Liningon ko si mom na kasalukuyang naka pamewang habang pinapanood akong pahirapan ang sarili ko.

"You guys. There's a lot of things we wanna tell you later."

Ibinaba ni dad ang newspaper na binabasa niya. "Hmm sure. Worth it ba ang perang inilaan namin para sa bakasyon niyong yan?"

Sa isang mundong dumedepende sa yaman, lahat ng gastos ay inaasahang may magandang kita. I know that was a vacation but I'm sure they took this pretty seriously.

They had an agenda from the very start that's why they agreed on my plan. Kaso ito nga, pinag iisipan ko na kung paano sasabihing nagkamali kami. Hindi ko alam kung maiintindihan nila ang side ko. Pero kung isasantabi ang tungkol sa amin ni Kendric, I hope everything we reveal about kuya and ate Dristine will go smoothly.

"Fifty-fifty." I shortly answered and continued walking up the stairs.

Mom, dad... buhay si ate Dristine. Your son is already a father.

Tita and tito, sana po maintindihan niyo ang kuya ko at ang nakatatanda niyong anak.

Mom, dad. Kuya has something to say to you...

May apo na kayo. His name is—

Damn. Paano namin sasabihin 'to sa kanila?

Papasok na sana ako ng kwarto ng marinig ko ang mga hakbang ni kuya. Tumakbo ako papunta sa kanya. Wala pa akong binibitawang salita ay nginitian na niya agad ako.

"Things happen." Bulong niya. "Ano bang kinakatakot mo? May gusto akong aminin, kaya aaminin ko. Ganun lang."

"Eh bakit hindi mo yan ginawa nung una palang?"

"I took my time,  didn't I?" He scratched the back of his head with an apologetic smile. "Pero... ang mahalaga lang naman ay makakarating pa rin sa kanila ang gusto kong sabihin, diba?"

Ang mahalaga lang ay maririnig pa rin nila ang gusto mong iparating... kahit matagalan ka pa?

"Hmm." I nodded. Hindi masyadong malinaw ang sinabi niya. Dahil ba minadali ko ang lahat?

Nagmadali ba ako? Kaya ba bandang huli ako ang mag isang nadapa?

"Take some rest. Simula palang 'to."

Naglakad na palayo si kuya kaya naman pumasok na rin ako ng kwarto ko. Sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam nang magcollapse ako sa higaan sabay pikit. Malamig na ang aircon dahil kanina pa naghanda ang mga maid sa pagdating namin. This thick, familiar comforter hugged me again. It was too relaxing that suddenly my heart ached. Home welcomed me, while I'm in my most vulnerable form.

((Now playing: If the world was ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels))

I want to rest so bad but my mind just won't cooperate. As soon as I saw black from shutting my eyes, images of my memories began to show.

Sana talaga may magic na nakakalimutan natin ang nararamdaman nating sakit. O kaya may method para mabawasan yung bigat sa puso. Kahit konti lang, kasi bakit ganun? Nakakabaliw na.

Ang daya. Nag bye na ako sa Paris pero sumunod sakin lahat ng pinaka gusto kong kalimutan.

Sigh. Bakit? Bakit kahit hanggang dito sumusunod ka?

It's not funny.

It's not funny... seeing the glass church again.

The fireplace where he sat beside me.

Pare pa tawag niya sakin nung sinurprise ko siya tapos tinawag ko siyang 'tol. I can't believe that word came out of my mouth. Parang pang kanto.

That's his birthday but it felt like I was the one who got a gift. A kiss from the man of my dreams.

I smiled bitterly. Nakapikit ako pero may kumawala pa ring luha.

And then after that kiss... everything began. Things were kinda slow, plus the arguments I never knew we would have. Una palang napaikot na niya ako sa mga palad niya. Dito sa kwarto nang sabihin niyang pumapayag na siya sa plano ko. Nang bigyan niya ako ng chance, na kahit hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ay hinayaan ko nalang. Kasi yun ang gusto ko eh. Ano pa bang kailangan kong malaman kundi yun lang?

Kahit sa France, ginugulo pa rin kami ng mga tao sa pinas. Schoolmates, company needs, parents, Celine. Lahat may role kaya nabuo ang kwento naming dalawa.

Ang kwento naming ngayon ay pinagdududahan ko na.

It must be nice if I woke up in this room earlier this morning. Thinking of new ways to ruin Celine. Mas masaya siguro kung hindi nangyari ang lahat ng yun, kung nasa normal lang ang lahat at hindi nagkatotoo ang trip na 'to. What if right after that moment he told me he's going to France, I canceled it and acted bitchy like 'don't bother. I realized that I'm too lazy for that stuff.'

"Yeah." I smiled sadly, my voice cracked. "that would've been better."

It would've been better if you stayed with Celine.

It would've been better if you hadn't tried your best to acknowledge me.

It would've been better if we didn't meet that night.

Right?

"N-No."

No?

"No..."

Why are you torturing yourself, Lili? Let it go.

It's over. So let it go.

"No." Hindi ko na nakayanan at tuloy tuloy na umagos ang luha ko. I covered my face with my hands.

It wasn't any better. Everything that happened there... I treasure all of it.

What a fucking loser.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I reached for my phone and looked at the time. Halos ganitong oras yung kain namin, hindi ako nalate ng gising.

I gasped. Oh my god I hope my eyes are okay. 

Dumiretso ako sa salamin para tingnan ang sarili ko. Thank god mukha naman akong normal, kailangan ko lang maghugas ng mukha para mas fresh tingnan.

Alright, this dinner is important. Kuya, kaya natin 'to. Mom, dad, may apo na kayo. Matanda na kayo at tanggapin niyo nalang yun ng walang halong inis, okay?

Sigh. Kung sanang ganun lang kadali. Ang sarap sumabog. Sunod sunod na problema! Tsk.

Pagdating ko sa kusina ay naka upo na ang lahat. Nilingon ako ni mom. "Hindi ka muna sana namin gigisingin at mukha kang pagod. Halika na."

As I walk towards my seat I caught a short glance from kuya Zian. I feel a bit uneasy right now but it looks like I wasn't the only one.

"Kuya paabot nung tubig." Mahinahon kong pakiusap. Siya na ang nagbuhos sa baso ko kaso nga lang umapaw ng konti. "What're you doing?"

"Oops sorry."

I stood up and fetched a hand towel from the dirty kitchen. Nagulat ang mga maid na kumakain doon pero nginitian ko nalang sila.

"Maam Lianna dapat tinawag mo kami." Natatarantang sabi ng isa sakanila at akmang tatayo na sana.

"Kain lang po kayo. Sinasanay ko po ang sarili ko na wag mang utos."

They went silent and stared at me with shook expressions. Siguro ganun kalala ang pagiging prinsesa ko dito sa mundo, na kahit sa mata ng ibang tao ay normal lang na pagsilbihan ako. Pero kailangan ko na talagang maging independent. Tulad nga ng sinasabi ko, may plano akong gawin.

Pagbalik ko sa dining table ay pinunasan ko ang natapong tubig saka nagpatuloy sa pagkain.

"So what's your plan?" Tanong ni mom.

"One month nalang ang natitira bago matapos ang third year college ko. I want to use that opportunity to train myself to become independent."

"Does that explain your actions of doing things by yourself since you arrived?"

"Yes. Kuya will be there to support the company since he'll graduate soon."

Dahil nandyan naman si kuya at naka set na siya para magtrabaho sa Vind clothing line, I'll have a lot of free time. Hindi ko na kailangang makihati sa kanya ng trabaho para sa kumpanya dahil wala na siyang ibang pagtutuunan ng pansin kundi yun lang. And if he needs help, ate Dristine will be there.

Our businesses are worldwide. And being in the clothing line industry, supermodels carry our design's future. We have to take care of them that's why we secured a partnership with Illians Hotel. Kahit saang bansa pa maghold ng huge events ang company namin for promotion, the hotel will be there to provide service for our models and of course all of the staff. It's a win-win agreement.

"I'll become independent by living alone and working alone."

Tiningnan ako ng lahat. "Aalis ka?" Tanong ni dad.

"I'll be back. Then I shall finish fourth year college and finally, focus on the company after getting my diploma."

Walang sumagot. I already expected this reaction from them. This lifestyle never crossed my mind before but it's actually a good choice considering what happened in France.

"The company needs your talent. You have a strong capability when it comes to professionalism and negotiations, Lianna. Zian is a genius but he needs someone to further put that into good use."

This time, I looked at kuya. Signaling him that it's now his turn to speak.

One of the trump cards of the Milan have returned. She needs to be acknowledged because I'm sure as hell, she's born to build a name in the world of business.

"Someone better than me will take over." Our alliance with the Milan is strong enough that even if the two are in different companies, we help each other a lot.

Our parents gave confused looks. Binuksan ni kuya ang kanyang phone at nag scroll, saka niya ito inilapag sa mesa. And there it was, a picture of Ivan when he was just a newborn. Holding him is a familiar lady, smiling as she lay on the hospital bed.

This is it.

"I was late to tell you this. But guys, this is my child."

I gulped and held my breath for a second. Humigpit din ang hawak ko sa utensils habang tinititigan ang expression ng mga magulang namin na halatang gulat na gulat. Nakatitig lang si dad sa screen, then he unconsciously fixed his glasses. While my mom, picked the phone up and examined the image up close.

"His name is Ivan." Kuya broke the silence.

"Ivan..." mom repeated.

Ramdam namin ang tension na  biglang bumalot sa paligid.

"Bakit mo tinago?" Sa wakas nagsalita na si dad.

"Hindi pa namin alam kung paano magpapakita. We're still looking for the right timing but when everyone found us, I knew it was the best opportunity."

"Opportunity? What do you mean? You should have allowed us to support our own grandchild right from the start."

"It wasn't that easy, dad."

Umiling si kuya sabay buntong hininga. Hindi makuha ni dad ang point ng sinasabi namin kaya naman ay iniharap na lang ni mom ang phone sa kanya.

"Dristine Milan... is alive." She muttered as a tear went down her cheek.

וווווווווווווווווו