"IKAW LANG MAG-ISA dito, Dad? Paano ang mga gawaing bahay?"

"Nagpapatulong ako sa mga labahin," mabagal niyang sabi sabay tango-tango. "Nagbabayad ako kada linggo. May isang pamilya katabi ng bahay na ito. Sila ang nagtatrabaho sa lupa ko sa tapat—pinataniman ko ng mais."

Tumango-tango ako, pinagtatagpi ang mga kinukuwento niya. "It must be hard all along, Dad."

"Batid kong mas naghihirap ka. Dahil wala kang natanggap ni isang duling mula sa Tatay mo."

"I am old enough."

"You said you were, even years before you become one."

I sad smile crept on my lips. The entire house looked cozy but the silence was defeaning. Malayo ang desinyo ng bahay sa dating bahay namin sa Zambales. Hindi ko na iyon masyadong maalala. The walls inside were covered with curtain. Like the outside of the house, it was furnished too.

"May dalawang kwarto sa bahay na 'to. Dalawang banyo. Isang kusina at isang sala."

Tumango ako at pinasadahan ng tingin ang piligid.

"You shouldn't live in a house like this, Lienna. Lalo pa't may dinadala ka sa sinapupunan mo."

"Bakit po, Dad?"

"Mahirap ang buhay dito."

"Alam ko po."

"May naipon ako sa bangko mula pa noong umalis ka. Noong tuluyang bumagsak ang kompanya, hindi ko na iyon ginalaw pa. Iyon sana ang ipapamana ko sa iyo. Ngunit ka-kailanganin mo na iyon ngayon."

"Dad..."

"Kailangan mo ng tulong. Are you gonna raise the child alone? What about the father?"

Tumikhim ako at nanubig ang mga mata. "Malabo pa, Dad eh."

Nilunok ko ang pait sa lalamunan. It was the truth. I couldn't get a hold of Eustace. Perhaps all he knew is that I ditched his proposal, which I actually didn't.

Hindi na ulit nagsalita pa si Dad. Lumalim na ang gabi kaya ay nagtanong ako kung matutulog na ba si Dad. He nodded silently.

"Bakante ang kabilang kwarto." Nagpresenta akong tulungan siya sa paghiga pero umiling lang siya. Sa loob ng kwarto niya ay isang maliit na kama. Dumapa siya doon at dahan-dahan na gumapang. Huminga ako nang malalim nang maramdamang parang dinudurog ang puso ko. It was this hard all along to be a parent and alone.

Napahawak ako sa tiyan...

Inayos ni Dad ang unan sa bandang ulo at binuklat ang kumot.

Lumapit ako sa kanya. "Ako na po, Dad." At inayos ko ang kumot sa bandang paa niya.

Umatras na ako at pumikit na si Dad. No words come out of his mouth. Kung katulad ng dati at sinabi ko sa kanya ang sitwasyon ko ngayon, sigurado akong hanggang ngayon hindi pa siya titigil sa pagsasalita. But right now, we were enveloped by silence and understanding. Mga bagay na sobrang hirap hagilapin noon.

Hinanap ko ang light switch. I turned it off at lumabas na ako ng kwarto.

Sinalubong ako ng tahimik na sala. Naupo ako sa maliit na sofa. Maybe all along, I was meant for simplicity and ease, because that is where my heart always goes back to rest.

At the end of the day, andito ka pa rin para sa sarili mo ano man ang mangyari.

It was pride that held me back to approach my Dad. And it was guilt that had pulled him away from me at the same time.

Pride and guilt... would I allow the same things to pull me and Eustace away from each other? Or did we already?

Huminga ako nang malalim at binuksan ang cellphone.

Binigyan agad ako ng bagong sim ni Avie bago kami bumyahe papunta kay Dad. But I still have Eustace's number on my phone and notes. I input his number on my phone screen. Seconds after, the same operator's voice lingered on the speakers.

Wala pa rin.

Napasalampak ako sa sofa. Wala akong magawa ngayong gabi. And the least I would want to do were overthink and cry for an entire night... again.

I kept a straight face. I was gonna look for a job online starting tomorrow. I only got my phone and no laptop though. Siguro pwede akong manghiram muna. O mangutang pambili. Then I would find a job online and start earning enough hanggang sa manganak ako at...

Am I gonna do this alone?

Bumuntonghininga ako. I have to.

"We got this little one..." mahina kong bulong at lumapat ang palad sa tiyan. "Hang in there. We're gonna make it."

I opened my phone's mobile data.

Then opened messenger for the first time.

There was a message from Eustace's account. But I remember we never talked on messenger... only through text or call. Never online.

What the f—

Natakpan ko ang bibig nang mabasa ang recent na messages niya
.

July 12

15:39

Good morning, Lienna. I couldn't be home yesterday after our dinner. I was called by my Dad's family to visit the hospital. I wanna talk to you as soon I get back.

Lienna, can we talk? I do hope you aren't ignoring me because of that proposal. I didn't mean to shock you. I admit it was a bad time.

Are you okay?

I lost my phone on the plane while traveling to Ohio. I don't know if you still open your account on messenger but I am taking a chance just to have the means to contact you.

17: 26

I miss you.

Let's talk as soon as I get back?

19: 23

Miss me?

I bought something for you. I won't tell what it is though :P

So, I am inside a cab now. I probably have more time to spare before the next meeting that I have to attend starts. Kasali 'to sa trabaho at biglaang businesss trip. Ilang beses na akong humindi pero ayaw pa rin makinig ni Dad. May huling hiningi ako kaya ito ang sinabi niyang kapalit. I couldn't tell you this beforehand because I felt you needed space. You need time to sleep that night too for not feeling well.

I still think of the night I proposed to you. It made me happy even when you didn't say your response yet. I am hopeful that we can talk things through when I get back... which is very soon.

July 13

Boarding the plane now back to Michigan. Couldn't wait to see you again.

Lienna, how is your health? Are you feeling okay these days?

12:24

You didn't come home to your unit for the night. Where are you?

Tumulo ang luha sa pisngi ko habang tinatakpan ang bibig. His account was online 4 hours ago. I had the urge to press the video call button. But I had no data or wifi. So, instead, I typed a reply.

21:07

Heyy, Eustace!

Pero hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula sa sasabihin. I kept typing words and ended up deleting them the last minute that I was about to send them. Hanggang sa nakatulugan ko na ang ginagawa. I was on the sofa when I doze off to sleep.

The exhaustion had me succumbing to sleep tightly, nagising na lang ako nang umaga na. May iilang kaluskos sa bandang kusina at nakita ko ang isang babae na nagluluto. At si Dad ay lumabas galing sa kwarto niya.

"Hindi komportable matulog sa sofa..."

"Inabutan na po ako ng antok dito."

Tumango si Dad.

Ngumiti naman ako sa may katandaang babae.

"Siya ang tagaluto araw-araw. Day off niya kahapon kaya hindi niyo siya naabutan," pakilala ni Dad.

"Hello po, magandang umaga." Tumayo ako at bumati.

Ngumiti naman ang babae. "Kay gandang dalaga pala talaga ng anak mo Simoun," saad nito.

Natawa ako ang kaunti para itago ang hiya.

I was waiting for Avie and Heiro to arrive kaya inabala ko muna ang sarili ko sa pakikipag-usap kay Aling Lucia. Kapit-bahay pala siya ni Dad at ang pamilya nito. She has a daughter who's currently in her fourth year college.

Ang asawa niya ay pagtatanim ang trabaho kaya tumutulong na rin siya sa paghahanap buhay. We talked a bit more about this town, si Dad ay nakikisali din habang nagbabasa ng dyaryo sa bandang sala. I helped in cutting the vegetables as Aling Lucia cooked tapos ay nag-agahan na kaming dalawa ni Dad. Babalik daw si Aling Lucia mamaya para magluto ng tanghalian.

The food tasted home and nature—tinulang native na manok. The aroma lingered in my nostrils and I truly had fun eating lots of it. The chicken was so tender it would easily depart from the bones.

Maya't-maya ay narinig na namin ang ingay nang papalapit na sasakyan habang naghuhugas ako ng plato. Nagpahid ako ng mga kamay at binuksan ang pintuan. Kakalabas pa lang ni Avie mula sa loob ng sasakyan at si Heiro naman ay agad na nagtungo sa trunk ng kotse para kunin ang maleta ko.

"Avie!" tawag ko at nagtaas agad siya ng kamay.

Lumapit siya sa akin at mabilis ko siyang niyakap.

I caught a whiff of her perfume... biglaan akong nakaramdam ng hilo at natakpan ko ang bibig nang bigla akong maduwal.

Inalalayuan ako ni Avie at agad kaming pumasok sa loob. "Alam na ba ni Tito Simoun, Lienna?"

Tumango ako. I rushed to the bathroom para maduwal lang ulit pero wala namang lumabas sa bibig ko. I wiped my lips at ilang beses huminga nang malalim.

Sinubukan kong ngumiti nang lumabas na ng cr at nakasalubong ko agad si Avie.

She looked at me with seriousness in her eyes. "Eustace called me yesterday, he was crying and asking about you. He'll arrive here tomorrow."