NAKASANDAL AKO sa dingding ng bathroom at hawak-hawak ang tiyan. Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim para pakalmahin ang sarili ko. It wasn't enough that I already vomited all the food I had eaten for tonight.

My stomach was empty and my eyes were red from crying... wala akong lakas na tumayo pero sinubukan ko pa rin. I reached for the faucet and cleaned my mouth. I splashed some water on my face para maibsan kahit konti ang pamamaga ng mga mata ko.

Then I slowly walked to my room. Nahiga ako sa kama at napatingala sa kisame. Bakit bigla na lang sumama ang pakiramdam ko? Pansin ko rin sa nakalipas na mga araw, I was having headache, mild lang naman kaya I just didn't mind it.

Tonight, it had been worse.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Surge after surge of thoughts lingered in my mind. Si Eustace... I should talk to him tomorrow.

Hindi ko alam bakit hindi ako makapagsalita nang magpropose siya sa harapan ko. I knew I have feelings for him. I know I would go insane not knowing if he ever feels okay every now and then. I know I would be hurting when I won't feel his presence for a long time.

Ang alam ko, I wanted to be with him too.

But that sight made me pause, and fear overtook my system. When I couldn't cry in from of someone, I end up avoiding the situation or escaping once and for all. It's just that ayaw ko umasa at masaktan kung sakaling nabigla lang siya sa ginawa niya kagabi.

But he had a ring... and he wore his best suit.

Oh, goodness...

Tumulo ang luha sa pisngi ko.

Is it too late to approach him right now?

Tumagilid ako. Tumama ang paningin ko sa kalendaryo malapit sa pinto.

What?

Umawang ang bibig ko.

It is July 11 already?

Oh, shit.

Napahawak ako sa tiyan at napabalingkawas ng bangon.

I haven't had my period yet. It was supposed to arrive last July 5.

Pumikit nang mariin ang mga mata ko.

Kaya ba masama ang pakiramdam ko ngayon? But it couldn't be. Eustace and I used protection... shit, we didn't the first time.

Napatampal ako sa noo at nagmamadaling kumilos.

I grabbed a coat from the drawer and got my phone and purse.

Lumabas ako ng unit ko at tumitig sa unit ni Eustace. It was silent. Wala rin siya sa labas. Probably because it was already 1 am in the morning. Tulog kaya siya? Makakatulog ba siya dahil sa ginawa ko?

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad pababa ng building. My footsteps rumbled against the tiled floor. It would take 15  minutes to get to the nearest pharmacy but I still have to go.

There wasn't any taxi on the road. I could have hailed a cab but waiting would still take time. I have to move now.

Naglakad ako sa tahimik na daan. I clutched my coat tighter hugging myself as the coldness of the night almost sithed through my skin underneath.

Buti na lang ay may sapat na ilaw sa daan. And I was careful to look at the surroundings too—I couldn't count how many times I had looked behind my back to check if there was anyone following me.

Pigil ang hininga akong nagpatuloy sa paglalakad, nagdadasal na sana ay safe akong makabili ng isang box ng pregnancy test kit at makauwi nang maayos. I still haven't thought how would I take result afterwards if it'll be positive or negative...

Worry and fear crept inside me as I continued to walk, each step felt like I could feel my heart in my throat.

I was partically sweating when I finally saw the pharmacy. Tumawid ako sa pedestrian at huminga nang malalim.

Ngumiti ako at nagpahid ng pawis sa noo. I went to the counter and approached the cashier. "Can I have a pregnancy test kit please. A box." She nodded and eyed me carefully. Hindi ako sigurado bakit pero tinitigan niya pa ako bago ni-punch ang kit.

There was a cab that passed the street as I was heading back to the apartment. Pumara ako at mas mabilis na nakauwi.

Malamig ang mga kamay ko nang paakyat na uli ako sa stairs. Halos mamutla na rin ako sa kaba... what if mag-positive? What if I am carrying a fetus around this time and soon a child?

A burst of worry with added euphoria filled my heart.

Paano kong negative? There's a high chance that my period was just late. But my menstruation had always been regular. Ngayon lang talaga na late nang mahigit isang linggo.

If the test would turn out negative, would I feel relieved or would I be sad?

Hindi ko alam.

I continued to climb the stairs, nang makarating sa floor namin ni Eustace ay naglakad ako palapit sa unit niya.

I had the urge to press the doorbell and knock... pero nang gagawin ko na iyon ay natigilan ako.

Mamaya na. Yes, right, I will inform him later if the result would turn out positive. And because I have to tell him things too.

But it'll be negative then, perhaps a good thing so I wouldn't have to bother him anymore this late at night. But...

Huminga ako malalim at pumasok na sa loob ng unit ko.

I went to the bathroom and read the instructions. I carefully followed what was stated in there. Nang matapos ay lumapit ako sa may lababo, nakatukod ang isang kamay habang nakahawak ang isa sa pregnancy kit.

I waited for minutes... more minutes.

Tumingin ako sa salamin at napabuga nang hangin.

Few minutes...

Then the result came.

Two lines. But the other was faint red...

Nanlamig ako sa kinatatayuan at natulala.

Humawak ako sa dibdib nang maramdamang sobrang lakas na ng tibok ng puso.

I grabbed the box and got four more kits.

Ginamit ko ang agad lahat. All the other kits gave a positive result. 

Positive.

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi, natitigan ko ang repleksyon sa salamin.

Naluluha ako pero hindi ako humagulhol ng iyak.

Instead, I inhaled a breath. I touched my stomach. I still feel not quite well, but knowing that another human being is growing inside me right now makes my heart swell I couldn't help but smile, while tears threaten to flow on my cheeks.

I'm gonna be a mother.

Natakpan ko ang mga labi.

Natatakot ako.

Eustace wanted us to be engaged. Did he also think of us building a family together too?

Huminga ako nang malalim. Kailangan ko itong ipaalam sa kanya.

I wore my coat once again and grabbed those five pregnancy kits that had shown positive.

I rushed towards Eustace's unit. I pressed the doorbell twice but there wasn't any response. Humihikab ako habang naghihintay sa labas ng pinto ng unit niya, I was clasping the pregnancy kits on my chest as I waited for him to open the door.

Pero hindi niya binuksan.

I started knocking on his door. "Eustace?"

Ilang beses akong kumatok at nagdoorbell pero wala.

Was he upset because I couldn't give a response to him immediately last night?

Mag-aalas tres na ng madaling araw.

Napapikit ako at humikab ulit.

Siguro tulog pa siya. Umatras na ako at bumalik sa unit ko. I laid on the bed. Maingat ko ring hinawakan ang bandang tiyan ko.

A part of me is happy... pero unti-unting nilalamon ng kaba at takot. Handa ba ako?

Umiling-iling ako.

Pero hindi ko naman 'to haharapin mag-isa hindi ba?

I'm so worried about how Eustace would think as soon as he'll know this news.

***

Hindi ko naabutan si Eustace sa unit niya kinabukasan. I woke up so late, ang matingkad na sikat ng araw na ang gumising sa akin. I even rushed in having breakfast at kumatok agad sa unit niya. Hindi na rin ako makakapasok sa shift ko dahil two hours late na ako.

Pero hindi naman ako sigurado kung sa unit niya ba siya natulog kagabi o umalis matapos... matapos—napatampal na lang ako sa noo.

I grabbed my phone from the back pocket of my jeans. I pressed Eustace's cellphone number. But I was directed to a system saying the receiver couldn't be contacted at this moment.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I have to talk to Eustace soon matapos ang nangyari kagabi at tungkol na rin dahil sa...

I have to admit it now. 

Buntis ako.

***

I didn't expect that I would be able to do this again. Pero andito ako labas ng hospital room ng Dad ni Eustace, nagbabasakali na baka rito siya nagpalipas ng gabi. O baka nagpunta agad rito nang maaga.

I knocked on the door. Nang walang nagbukas ng pinto ay dahan-dahan akong humakbang palapit at ako na mismo ang pumihit ng pintuan.

"Good afternoon, sir. I hope I am not causing inconvenience or any interruption..." Tumikhim ako at tumayo nang maayos. "Can I ask where would Eustace be right now?"

Eustace's Dad was sitting on the bed. Kumpara noong huli ko siyang nakita ay mas malakas na siya ngayon. Mag-isa lang siya ngayon.

Pero hindi pa rin ako nakahinga nang maayos.

"Why do you have to know?" angil siya sa akin, hindi ako nakagalaw sa puwesto. "You rejected his proposal..."

Umawang ang bibig ko. Paanong alam niya...

I cleared my throat. Umiling-iling ako agad.

"I didn't, sir. But I admit, I didn't give him an answer yet. It was because I don't wanna decide while my mind is in a haze. He deserves to be taken seriously with commitment, honesty, and dedication. I would also like him to take a pause... perhaps he was just shocked about how things had turned out for the past months about us."

Nagsimulang mamawis ang mga kamay ko at sobrang lakas ng kaba na nararamdaman ko. I was just gonna ask where's Eustace... but I have to go through this...

I guess I have to, he's Eustace's Dad.

"How would I know that you aren't just making up reasons?"

"I couldn't do anything, sir, unless you would trust me. I truly apologize for what happened and for what I said the last time."

He stared at me, walang kibo. Inabot iyong ng ilan pang mga minuto bago siya nagsalita ulit. "Do you even have a job to support yourself? Ang umasa sa lalaki ay hindi gawain ng babae kapag hindi naman siya asawa."

There was a hint of digust in his voice that made me grit my teeth. Kumuyom ang mga kamao ko pero pinigilan kong magsalita nang masama.

"How can I trust a woman whose father is a con that had destroyed his own brother's company for his own gain?"

"Paano..."

"I'm capable enough to run a background check on anyone."

Huminga ako nang malalim. But before I could even mutter something, nagsalita na agad siya.

"Answer me straight," aniya. The authority in his voice almost made me jolt in fear. "Are you pregnant?"

Nanubig ang mga mata ko. But I couldn't move to nod nor open my mouth to assert his assumption.

I saw his face still for a moment. Hindi ako umiwas ng paningin. I kept my chin raised as I tried to prevent my tears to flood my cheeks.

Hindi siya nagsalita at nanatiling matigas ang pagtitig sa akin.

Hindi rin ako tumango o umiling.

Mas bumibigat lang ang nararamdaman ko sa paglipas ng mga minuto.

Eustace... nasaan ka ngayon?

Nang tutulo na talaga ang luha ko ay tumalikod na ako at yumuko.

Narinig ko pa ang huling sinabi ng Dad ni Eustace bago ako tuluyang nakalabas ng hospital room. "I suppose you are, that's why you're here."

Humawak ako sa dibdib at umiiyak nang maglakad pababa at paalis ng ospital.

***

Ilang beses akong kumatok sa unit ni Eustace nang makabalik sa apartment. Wala pa rin siya. At hindi ko pa rin siya matawagan. I kept trying and trying hanggang sa mapasalampak na lang ako sa sahig at doon umiyak.

I remained in that position for almost half an hour. Pero wala akong ibang napala kung hindi ang mabigat na dibdib at mugtong mga mata.

Eustace... where are you now?

Walang lakas akong sumandal sa malamig na dingding ng unit ni Eustace... Hanggang sa inabot na ako ng gabi kakahintay pero wala pa rin siya. Pinagtitingan ako ng mga ibang tenants na kakauwi lang. But no one bothered to ask me if there was something wrong because I kept a wide smile as they get near my spot.

Uuuwi pa ba si Eustace? Hindi ko alam.

I came back inside my unit and slept for the night.

Kinabukasan ay ganoon pa rin, wala si Eustace sa unit niya. Hindi ko makontact. Baka galit na 'yon sa akin.

Napatampal ako sa noo at nawalan na ng lakas na kumatok sa unit niya.

Naghihina kong inilabas ang cellphone at nagdial ng number. I couldn't connect to wifi dahil naputulan ako kahapon ng network kahapon, nawala sa isipan ko ang due date at hindi nakapagbayad.

Good thing I have load balance to make calls... I could still call Avie.

"Avie," basag ang boses kong tawag sa kanya sa kabilang linya.

"Lienna, are you crying?"

"Avie, pwede ba akong umuwi d'yan?

"Sa Pilipinas? Ha? Bakit, may nangyari ba? Nasaan ka ngayon?"

Hindi ako nakasagot.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?"

"Mag-isa ulit ako rito."

"What do you mean—"

"Uuwi ako ng Pilipinas... pwede bang d'yan ko na lang sabihin?'

"Sure, Lienna. You have a home here with us. Kailan ka ba uuwi?"

Tumango-tango ako, ngumiti pero hindi umabot sa mga mata.

"Pero parang biglaan yata, Lienna. I can sense that there's something going on..."

"Biglaan din kasi ang mga nangyari," sabi ko, sinusubukang hindi basta mabasag ang boses. "Maski ako, I didn't expect these..."

"Lienna..."

"I just need to leave..."

"You can come home right here."

"I don't know if I still have one."

"You do, Lienna. I assure you that."

Nabasag ang boses ko pero tinakpan ko ang bibig.

"If you wanna come back here, I'd be happy to greet you with a hug. I miss you, insan."

Tumango ako. "I need to leave this place, Avie..."

"You sounded so distressed. Maybe going back here is the best option you have now."

Tango ulit, hindi makapagsalita dahil nangingig na ang mga labi ko sa pagpipigil na humikbi.

"Be here then, Lienna so we could help."

Pinipiga na ang didbib ko nang may mapagtanto.

"Avie... kulang ang pamasahe ko," mahina akong sabi. Yumuko. Hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili ko habang sinasabi 'to ngayon.

Gusto ko na lang maglupasay sa sahig at umiyak. But that won't solve my problems. I would sulk in a corner yet I carry a child now inside me, that child will suffer too. I wouldn't want that.

"I'll book a ticket for you if I can, if not, I'll wire some money to your bank account. Matulog ka muna tonight. Tomorrow you'll travel back here."

"Thank you, Avie. Thank you. Salamat."

"We are here for you, Lienna."

Thank you... naibulalas ko, halos wala nang boses. 

Natakpan ko ang mukha at doon humagulgol ng iyak.