I MOVED and my hand snaked on the right side of the bed only to find the space hollow. It took a minute for my gaze to adjust to the darkness of my room, my eyes fluttered in several attempts.

Only a dimmed bedside table lamp was on. Hindi naiilawan ang banda ko at tanging ang banda ni Eustace lang ang kita sa buong kama. His chiseled back was turned on me, as he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

Thoughts of what happened with us last night surged in my head as I felt my cheeks burning and my insides hot. It was like a mosaic of shared moments patched together in a cohesive intimate dance I first had with Eustace.

I was reliving our moments last night now living in my memory as I saw his eyes filled with intensity mixed with admiration and lust as I dig my fingers into his back, mewling moans I didn't know I could ever make while trapped between his arms. Last night was something... it was beyond what I thought we could ever do together.

But looking at him now... I couldn't help but smile. His broad shoulders that I was just clinging to and caressing last night were now revealed freely in front of me.

I grabbed the comforter as the cover almost slipped off my chest. Tahimik sa kwarto pero kita ko ang cellphone na hawak niya malapit sa tenga.

"Conrad, I thought it was clear that you'd be visiting Dad in the evening?" mahina ang boses ni Eustace nang magsalita.

Then he got silent.

"Right. I couldn't be there." He sounded resigned, admitting to something.

Nanatili ako sa puwesto pero hindi nagsasalita. I didn't even try to reach for him and inform him that I was already awake. I just gazed at him. The dimmed light coming from the lamp light was illuminating his back in an impressive hue—a mix of darkness and light.

"No. That isn't fair." Lumakas nang kaunti ang boses niya. But he remained still in his spot. "You can't do that. I was just away for one night. I needed to rest and sleep. I have been there at the hospital for weeks now. Your family's too cruel. I am not wanting to burden you with Dad. He's your father too!"

Tuluyang lumakas ang boses niya at halos mapaigtad ako. Things might not be looking good. Nakatagilid ako sa higaan at ngayon ay umayos ako ng higa. Tumitig sa kisame.

A hint of guilt clouded my heart. What could Eustace have missed at the hospital as he spent the night with me?

Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko kaya sinubukan kong tumikhim nang walang ingay. But that would be impossible. Kaya lumunok ako. But the guilt was still there. My tears were starting to cloud my eyes too as I stare at the darkness

For years, I had struggled alone. Eustace was right. I have endured everything and never complained because I thought I shouldn't. That I deserve the misery because I already put my parents in misery for rebelling and going against their rules.

But with him now, it feels like I have someone to lean on other than myself. On matters that I try to shrug off but truly feel crippled with pain—I don't have to bear it inside me all alone. I thought I was not deserving of a pure kind of love. But here's Eustace being with me amid the struggles in the path we were going through.

"No. This isn't about her, Conrad. You are making things up. I talked with her. Nothing intentional happened. It was Dad. There were some complications that happened because of his unstable mood."

Pigil ang hininga akong nagpatuloy sa pakikinig. Kung kanina ay hindi ko pa ramdam ang lamig, ngayon ay parang nanuot iyon kahit pa nasa ilalim ako ng kumot.

I could choose to go back to sleep but that won't silence the worry I have in mind. That won't make me feel okay knowing that Eustace was going through something like this.

I wish I could help him. But I obviously can't.

"Hindi ka makaintindi," mabigat na saad ni Eustace. "Palitin mong intindihin 'to. Kung balak mo akong pakinggan hindi na sana tayo umabot sa ganito. Gago."

Strains displayed on a portion of Eustace's back, as if he was clasping his palms or wanting to break something in front of him. Parang nagpipigil lang siya na sumuntok sa kung saan.

I fought the urge to lay a gentle caress on his back.

I truly want to comfort him. Kumilos ulit ako pero hindi pa rin iyon napansin ni Eustace.

Kaya dahan-dahan na akong umupo sa kama. But he was now listening to something on the other line.

Lalapit na sana ako sa kanya nang biglaan siyang tumayo.

Tumikhim ako nang mahina tapos ay huminga nang malalim.

He didn't know I was so near him at that point.

He didn't know, I whispered to myself.

Nanatili ako sa puwesto hanggang sa matapos ang ilang segundong pagkalma sa sarili kasi parang kaunting kilos ko pa ay maiiyak na ako.

I also sat on the edge of the bed, still clasping the sheets to cover my body as I eyed for my clothes. I remembered where I had put my robe last night and looked for it in the drawer beside my bed. I wore it around me and I tried to fix my tangled hair last night.

I walked towards the door never attempting to gaze at Eustace and he never tried to call my name.

Silence embraced me as I continued walking towards the kitchen, each step makes my heart so heavy I found it hard to keep walking. But I kept my composure as I reached the bathroom. I washed my face and stared at my reflection.

Though my hair was disheveled, my face looked brighter than it once had been months after I came back here.

Things changed now, some things didn't go well. At some moments, it will remain that way. But I have something to hold on to now. Something I could fight with and continue to hope for—Eustace.

I took a bath and fixed myself inside the bathroom. It had been almost half an hour pero hindi pa rin lumalabas ng kwarto si Eustace. Naglagi ako sa kitchen at nakatitig sa kalan... nag-iisip kung kumusta kaya siya sa loob.

Namataan ko ang purse na nasa center table kaya lumapit ako doon para kunin ang cellphone ko. Kailangan ko nang makakausap...

Lumipas ang ilang minuto, I was already calling Avie on messenger.

Online siya ngayong umaga kaya sinagot niya agad.

"Lienna! Whoa, you look blooming!" bati agad niya. Maliwanag sa puwesto niya ngayon at nalaman ko agad na nasa living siya ng bahay ni Heiro. Perhaps, they have been living together these days.

"Hello, Avie," nakangiti kong sabi sabay kaway. "Ang aga ko yatang napatawag."

"Nah, don't worry. Kanina pa kami gising ni Heiro. Nagluluto na nga siya ngayon sa kitchen."

Ngumiti ako, bahagyang nanunukso. "You look radiant too."

Natawa siya. "Nako, wala 'to nakakatulog lang nang maayos."

"Kasi kasama mo na si Heiro."

Avie nodded, her smile reaching her eyes. My cousin truly deserves the happiness she is having now.

"By the way, what's up? How are you?"

"Hmm..." I paused a bit. Tumingin ako sa pintuan ng kwarto ko bago tumitig ulit sa screen ng hawak-hawak kong cellphone. "Maayos naman kumpara dati."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Ngumiti ako, hindi pinipilit. Eustace's face immediately crossed my mind.

"You wanna share something?"

I kept my mouth shut. Siguro hindi pa ngayon.

"Oh, teka isisingit ko lang. Siguro nakikita mo sa Eustace d'yan... how is he?"

I cleared my throat, preventing a smile to escape my lips while a pang of pain lingered in my heart.

"Um..." Tumikhim ako tapos ay pinatayo ang cellphone sa bandang counter. "Yes, I often see him." Sa sobrang dalas halos magkasama kaming dalawa palagi. Of course, I didn't mumble the rest of my thoughts.

I scanned the drawers while still talking to Avie. Mabagal lang ang bawat pagsagot pero bakas pa rin ang sigla sa boses.

Inihanda ko ang isang piraso ng tomato sa counter and kumuha ng kutsilyo.

Magsasalita na ulit sana ako tungkol kay Eustace nang bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko at namataan si Eustace na bumaling-baling sa paligid.

"You're preparing breakfast?" tanong niya. 

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at umawang ang mga labi. Alam niya bang kausap ko ngayon si Avie? I was so sure that Avie can the see the change in my expression.

"Lienna, may kasama ka ba d'yan?"  

Nagdalawang-isip ako sa isasagot.

But Eustace was walking towards me already that I couldn't think of lies to cover up the scene right now.

Natigilan ako nang tumigil si Eustace sa likuran ko. "What do you plan to cook? Hmm," malambing niyang sabi sabay halik sa pisngi ko. 

I stilled in my spot as the sound on the other line got silent.

Nang makita ang cellphone na nakalagay sa harapan naming dalawa ay natigilan din si Eustace. But it was already too late. 

Gusto kong takpan ang mukha sa pag-iinit ng pinsgi. Eustace was even topless at this moment.

Natigilan man ay hindi niya inalis ang mga palad na nakalapat ngayon sa bewang ko.

"Hoy, Eustace!" ani Avie sa kabilang linya matapos ang ilang minuto.

Gumalaw si Eustace sa likuran ko. I saw from my cellphone screen that he hid his body behind me at ipinahinga ang mukha sa balikat ko malapit sa leeg.

I swear, I almost didn't breathe. I could feel Eustace's warmth. Sa sobrang lapit niya at sa mga kamay sa gilid ko ay parang yakap-yakap niya na ako.

"Hoy ka rin, Aeyzha," saad ni Eustace, nagpigil ng tawa.

"Kayong dalawa ha," Avie gave us a meaningful smile. Pinanliitan niya rin kami ng mga mata. "May hinala na ako..."

"Sasabihin namin sa inyo nang maayos soon, Aeyzha," ani Eustace, bakas ang ngiti habang nagsasalita.

Natakpan ko ang mukha.

"Oh," mapanuya pa rin ang boses ni Avie. "It seems you both needed time to be alone."

Tumango si Eustace sabay lingon sa akin at kumindat.

"Okay, let's talk some other time. Ano pala... Heiro and I are finally planning for our wedding. I wish you were here, Lienna so you could help me pick a gown."

"I wish too, Avie."

"Punta na lang kayo kapag malapit na ang kasal weeks from now. You two have to be here."

Tumango ako at ngumiti. "We will show up."

"Bye for now, guys," malaki ang ngiti ni Avie nang kumaway na. "Mag-iingat ka sa bakulaw na 'yan, Lienna." May pahabol pa talagang biro si Avie.

Natawa tuloy kaming dalawa ni Eustace.

"See you soon, Avie," saad ko at kumaway na rin.

Nang maputol ang tawag ay hinawakan ako sa balikat ni Eustace at pinaharap sa kanya.

"I'm sorry for what you heard earlier."

"Eustace, you don't have to. I understand that things are hard for you right now."

"I care for you. And... I feel deeply for you, Lienna I don't wanna miss the chance. I don't care if I have to fight for you real hard. Things are damned if we'll end up getting burned by the fire we allowed ourselves to be caught upon. I want to try this out with you... I know, that if we'll only trust ourselves... we can make this work. Because we will."

I encircled my arms around his nape and tiptoed to lean in towards him until his chest touched mine.

"I don't just wanna be this close to you. I want you to be mine," bulong niya sa akin, mahina ang boses at halos mabasag na. 

Eustace hugged me tightly.