MY EYES SQUINTED toward the sight of the busy streets of Detroit, Michigan. Filling air inside my lungs became more like a breath to survive and thrive than just mere breathings-knowing that the life I had here in this country was more profound than what I had when I went to the Philippines to take care of my mother.

I crossed the streets and the smell of freshly brewed coffee from a distance lingered in my nostrils which initiated a crumble inside my stomach. The image of that familiar cuisine offered in a diner near our neighborhood flashed on my mind.

Ang alaala na iyon ay nasundan ng imahe ng kumpleto naming pamilya habang kumakain. Si Dad ay nagkukuwento habang malaki ang ngiti at natatawa pa sa gitna nang sinasabi. Matatawa si Mommy at tatakpan ang mga labi habang ako naman ay malaki ang ngiti habang nakamasid sa kanilang dalawa.

Sometimes the oldest memories are the good ones. It's sad to want these memories replaced. A wishful thinking maybe. 'Cause things are only valuable and beautiful when it's already over. Kung ano o sino ang nawala o tapos na, sila pa iyong hinahanap-hanap pero sakit lang ang dala kasi hindi na kailanman maibabalik.

Kaya walang nagagandahan sa nangyayari sa kasalukuyan, dahil hindi pa mahalaga sa mata ng lahat.

Wala gaanong nagbago rito simula noong umalis ako papuntang Pilipinas ilang taon na ang lumipas. I had the chance to come back here, last year... pero hindi ako nagpakita sa kung sinong kakilala. Hindi rin ako nakadaan sa mismong lugar na 'to dahil agad akong nagpunta sa apartment ni Avie sa Livonia, a western suburb of Detroit, which is still miles away.

Namasukan ako bilang server crew sa isang bistro malapit sa apartment sa Livonia. The work load was tough, yet it was kinda fun. I liked it.

Matapos ang apat na araw umuwi din ako agad.

That time, I didn't think of going back to this place for real. Kahit pa marami akong dapat asahan-siguro-gusto kong isipin na gano'n.

Meeting my old friends. Seeing them again achieving the things they had only dreamed of back then. And... seeing Rhyl again after years of being away, gone was everything that's happened between us.

Siya...

Ang dahilan kung bakit may lakas ng loob pa akong bumalik.

All I know is that we didn't even end what we had. We just kinda sort of drifted paths away from each other. Noong sinabi ko sa kanyang aalis ako, we just let things be because it had to.

We were only turning nineteen back then... too young to risk for a love that's not even certain. But not too young to have fun and experience all the crazy things we could do together.

We tried different things: skateboarding in Detroit's most famous skateboarding spots, drinking beer in the pub with our friends... vandalizing walls in our neighborhood. I only did it because I had thought the area was already abandoned by the owners, turned out they're selling it at a high price. And there's no way it'd be an idle spot at all. I kind of regret that stunt up to this day.

Nanubig agad ang mga mata ko kaya hindi ko na maituloy ang pag-alala.

I composed myself.

Hindi ko maitago ang ngiti lalo na nang maaninag ang kaibigan kong si Danica sa loob ng pinagtatrabahuan naming store noon.

I stood in front of a pub or somehow a grill where people could hang out and have drinks with their friends as they savored their weekends.

The lights on the pub's name weren't lit at the moment but as soon as the sun sulks on the horizon, bright lights will illuminate the front space, and everyone will stack up inside and they'd enjoy the night together: drinking and having so much fun!

Danica's pair of doe eyes bulged when she saw me waving a hand from the outside of the store's glass window. I could read a series of curses on her lips as she screams, failing to contain the evidence of surprise in her face. Nakaawang ang bibig niya nang nagmadaling lumabas.

"Well, you didn't even ring me about this news!"

Binitiwan ko ang maleta na dala-dala at agad siyang hinarap habang mahinang natatawa. "You went frantic and aghast, Danica."

"I can't help it," she said squeezing me between her arms. I struggled to breathe normally as she didn't immediately let me go.

"I was at Livonia for four days," I said, informing her I kind of was back here twice for the record.

"Yeah, last year."

"Pero hindi ako bumaba at tumigil sa Detroit."

"Yeah, I haven't seen you!"

Tumango ako tapos ay ngumiti. "But now, I'm finally here!"

"Is it for good?"

"Kind of?"

"I bet!" she squealed, her dark curly hair swayed at the small of her back. Sa bawat galaw ay napapansin ko agad ang make up niya sa bawat pagkislap at panlalaki ng mga mata.

"Your hair somehow turned into a darker shade..." komento niya.

"Huh?" I asked as I caught a strand of my hair and scanned it. "It's still copper-red right?"

"Yeah?"

Sinundot ko siya sa tagiliran. "Could you at least be considerate to me who just returned to the city?"

"We have a lot to catch up on! Saan ka ba tutuloy? Would you be back to Glenwood Avenue?"

"No-" I composed myself after an abrupt answer. "I think not yet." Mabilis kong itinago ang gumuhit na mapaklang ngiti sa labi. "My cousin bought a unit of an apartment with her friend... since kakauwi niya lang sa Pilipinas, ako na lang daw ang tumuloy kaysa ibenta niya ulit sa iba."

"Saan naman?"

"Livonia."

Tumigil muna siya ng ilang saglit. "Malapit lang pala sa Glenwood."

"Uh, yes." Still, I won't visit there.

"Your cousin is..." ani Danica. "Her name's Aeyzha right?"

Ngumiti ako sa tanong niya. "Yes." Nanliit nang kaunti ang mga mata ko. "You know her?"

"A bit?" ani Danica. "We've seen each other a few times."

"Good to know."

She smiled and nodded her head. Katulad ko ay matagal na rin na nandito si Danica sa Michigan. Siguro halos walong taon na. Naging friend ko siya nang pumasok kami sa parehong high school. We were present in both our teenage years' journey. Sa dami ng mga kaibigan ko noon, siya ang sigurado ako na nanatili. I guess because we both know the struggle of growing up with immigrant parents and soon we have to get used to growing up in a foreign land.

"Hey, Lienna, since you're finally back, and to take note it has been years, have you found yourself a job? Marami na ring nagbago rito sa Detroit."

Ngumiti ako pero may kaunting ngiwi. "I was actually hoping there's a spot for me here? Parang dati lang?"

"Hmm, I couldn't blame you. This place doesn't seem like a workplace anymore," aniya, lumingon siya sa bungad ng grill at parang may tiningnan sa loob. "Just so you know, nagpalit na ng manager dito sa grill. But I think I could introduce you to the new manager, he's considerate."

I gave her a sheepish smile.

"And he's cute too," pahabol niya.

Mas lumapad ang ngiti ko. "Are you still with..."

Agad niyang tinapos ang dapat ay sasabihin ko. "Grayson? Damn that jerk!" at umiling-iling siya.

"Hiwalay na kayo? Kailangan lang?"

"Isang taon pagkatapos mong umalis. So six years ago probably? Alam ko naman, halos walang plano iyon sa buhay. We were staying in the same apartment pero ako lang ang namomroblema sa bills. I didn't want to babysit him all my life. May binubuhay pa akong mga kamag-anak sa Pilipinas."

Hinawakan ko siya sa balikat. Thinking she needed comfort.

"I have moved on from that guy. And life has never been better since then."

Tumango ako. "I'm so happy for you," I said giving her a smile.

Ngumiti siya pabalik. "Ikaw... things may have been tough."

"Yes... things were tough." Maybe it's still tough even now. "My mother passed away."

Napatapik si Danica ng bibig at lumamlam ang mga mata. "Oh, Lienna. I'm so sorry."

Umiling-iling ako at magsasalita pa sana nang maramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Danica.

Tumingala na lang ako sa payapang langit para hindi maiyak habang panay ang paghagod niya sa likod ko.

Maraming mga tao sa paligid pero hindi naman sila bumabaling sa amin. Ang iilang papasok sa loob ng grill ay napapalingon sa puwesto namin pero agad lang din na magpapatuloy sa pagpasok.

"You can always start anew, Lienna. I understand how painful it must have been for you."

Niyakap ko na rin si Danica nang mahigpit. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang pagtulo ng mainit na luha sa mga pisngi.

"Hindi ko mahanap si Dad," saad ko, hindi napigilan ang humikbi.

It had been a long time since I had felt this kind of nostalgia... si Danica, isa siya sa mga taong alam kong makakaintindi kahit ano paman ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. She was there through it all. She didn't judge me despite everything. She embraced me for who I was and who I've become.

Bukod kay Avie, siya lang ang itinuturing kong pamilya.

"Danica, hindi ko alam kong saan hahanapin si Papa." Ilang beses akong lumunok pero nanatili ang bara sa lalamunan ko. I failed in holding back my tears.

Napapikit ako, sumusuko sa sakit na nararamdaman.

Hindi ko sinabi sa iba pero sinubukan kong hanapin si Papa. Dahil alam kong komplikado ang sitwasyon ng pamilya namin pero para kay Mama... sinubukan ko. We were fine noong nasa ospital. Pero nang nawala si Mama hindi nagpakita si Papa sa lamay.

Kaya sinubukan kong maghanap hanggang sa mapagtanto na hindi ko man lang alam kong ano'ng sasabihin kung kaharap ko na siya.

He was still my Dad and it pained me to see how he blames himself for what I had become. Naalala ko ang huling beses na nagkita kami. It was at the hospital. Sobrang hirap-hriap na si Mommy. And he saw everything! At kahit na hindi ko man sinasabi ko pero noong mga panahong 'yon kailangan ko ang lakas niya.

I knew I have no right to demand how he must act as a father. Because I too hadn't acted as a good daughter all these years.

Umalis ba siya kasi wala na si Mommy? Wala na siyang responsibilidad?

I gathered myself and swallowed in an attempt to suppress my tears once again.

Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim.

Nang kumawala si Danica sa yakap ay pinili kong ngumiti.

"Sorry... shift mo pa ata ngayon, hindi pa tayo makakapag-usap nang matagal."

Bumaling-baling si Danica sa entrance ng grill. I think she saw someone inside which caused her to smile apologetically.

"Mamaya. Pag-uusapan natin 'yan mamaya. Do you have any schedule later? At eight, tapos na ang shift ko. You can come here and we could talk and maybe hang out."

Inayos ko ang pagkakahawak sa maleta ko at agad na tumango. "I think I can. I'll just leave my things at the apartment. Maglilinis na rin."

"Okay, that's great. Kita tayo mamaya."

"Thanks, Danica."

Mabilis niya akong niyakap. "No worries, Lienna. You got me always."

Sinumulan ko nang maglakad paalis at ganoon din siya.

Kumaway ako at nang pumasok na siya sa loob ng grill, tsaka lang ako tumalikod at sumabay sa dagat ng mga tao na naglalakad sa sidewalk ng pinakakilalang street dito sa downtown Detroit.

I rode the train to Livonia. Habang nasa byahe ay nakatitig lang ako sa labas. Lumilipad ang isipan. Minsan ay napapatitig ako sa mga pamilyar na lugar na noon ay pinupuntahan naming pamilya kapag gustong mamasyal sa syudad.

I still put on a smile on my lips despite the longing and the pain.

Nang makarating sa Livonia ay agad akong nagtungo sa apartment na ibinigay sa akin ni Avie. I fished the keys inside my pockets and admired the peaceful surroundings. Downtown Detroit is 20 plus miles away from Livonia, if I would be able to rent a car I could certainly be back to the grill without any hassle.

Ayaw ko naman paasahin si Danica. I told her I would be there.

Habang papasok sa loob ng pintuan ay namataan ko ang pamilyar na mukha sa tapat na unit ng apartment na nabili ni Avie. Kumaway ang babae na parang kaedad ko lang ata at umasta pa na kilala ako kaya kumaway na lang ako pabalik.

It's uplifting to see some Michiganders being kind to me in moments like this.

The apartment Avie has been renting back then is a five storey building-it might not that luxurious but it certainly is a decent place to live with. May mga gamit na sa loob ng apartment para sa akin. Binili niya pala ang unit tapos ay ibinigay sa akin. Hindi ko alam paano magpapasalamat.

Pahirapan pa naman ang makahanap ng space rito sa Michigan dahil halos okupado na ng lahat. Kung meron mang maraming extra na units, mahal naman ang presyo at hindi ko kakayanin ngayong nagsisimula pa lang ulit ako.

I have to find a job para makapag-ipon at nang paunti-unti kong mabayaran si Avie. Though she never told me that I need to pay for this unit, I will. She has already done so much for us.

The unit may seem small but for me, it was more than I could ever ask for. Ngumiti ako nang makita ang istura ng pamilyar na couch, ang itim na center table at ang scented candle na nasa gitna katabi ng isang bonsai plant.

There were also classic paintings on the wall. May dalawang bintana na hahayaan kang makatitig sa baba at sa labas. Isang TV set at maliit na kitchen bar sa isang sulok bago ang pinto ng kwarto. And what made me smile even more was the balcony.

Agad kong binitiwan ang maleta na dala ko at nagtungo roon.

Dinama ko ang init ng araw sa mukha at ang banayad na pag-ihip ng hangin. I stared outside and saw people roaming the streets. I stared at the trees and the sky. My sight was filled with green sceneries and the mundane activities of people living in the nearest vicinity.

Payapa ang Livonia at magaganda ang mga punong nasa malapit. Gusto ko na tuloy lumabas at maglakad-lakad sa paligid.

May kung ano sa Livonia na hindi ko mahagilap sa Detroit. Perhaps it's the urge to take a pause that lets you enjoy the little things. Kapag nasa Detroit ako parang ang bilis ng lahat. Dito parang gusto na lang maglakad nang mabagal at pagmasdan lang ang paligid.

Something swelled inside my heart. This is it. I finally have a home! Even when I am not at Glenwood Avenue.

Nang bumalik ako sa maliit na living room ay agad kong hinala ang maleta ko at nagtungo sa kwarto. I should probably call Avie and thank her again for her help and enthusiasm to support me in this.

Kung hindi dahil sa kanya... hindi ko alam kong saan na ako pupulutin ngayon.

Inilagay ko ang mga gamit sa kwarto pagkatapos ay nagsimulang maglinis.

I ordered food and continued fixing the entire unit. Panay ang pagsayaw ko sa music na pinapatugtog ko habang nagpapatuloy sa ginagawa hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan ang oras.

It was seven in the evening when I almost stumbled countless times just to get to the toilet and fix myself.

I put on some jeans and an old leather jacket above a simple tank top. Nagmadali rin akong humablot ng boots at agad sinuot iyon. It's early January and the nights are cold; lalo na at baka matagalan pa ako sa pag-uwi kaya mas mabuting handa.

Bago ako lumabas ng kwarto ay kumuha muna ako ng scarf at isinuot iyon. I called a cab and booked a drive to the train station.

Matagal bago ako nakarating sa grill.

Pero bago pa man ako makaapak sa loob, naaninag ko ang pamilyar na mukha ng isang lalaki na nakaupo sa waiting area.

Our gazes met. By the look of his face, I know he's shocked like I am.

Umawang ang bibig ko, inabot pa ng ilang minuto bago ko nabigkas ang pangalan niya.

"Rhyl."