A cold breeze blew my hair and rendered a shiver from my body as Eustace drove the car back to Livonia. He was careful not to go beyond the speed limit. Pero ramdam pa rin ang bilis nang pagmamaneho.

Yumakap ako sa cardigan na suot nang maramadam pa rin ang lamig. Understandable naman dahil halos maghahatinggabi na ngayon at bumabyahe kaming dalawa. His dad was rushed to a hospital in Detroit an hour ago.

Eustace has to be there dahil walang maiiwang nagbabantay sa Dad niya.

He was silent the whole ride home. We agreed that he could drive up to Livonia and I will drive when we have to go to Detroit for him to see his father. He was still under observation by the police department, walang mawawala kung magiging maingat.

No one said anything about the kiss we had or the mundane moments at the cabin. Yet my mind wandered to the thoughts of how serious was the situation of Eustace's dad that I saw fear clouded his eyes when he told me about it.

"Your Dad will be fine, for as long as he was rushed at the hospital at the right time. Maagapan kung ano mang aksidente ang nangyari."

Eustace gave me a nod as he glanced at me quickly.

"I hope so, Lienna. Salamat."

I was atleast relieved that he responded. He looked really bothered. We were still hours away from Livonia and 30 minutes away from the hospital his father was rushed in Detroit.

Pero I believe we will get there with complete limbs. Dahil halatang balisa man si Eustace ay nakapukos pa rin siya sa daan. Halos hindi na nga ako halos kausapin sa byahe.

Hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako at napakurap-kurap nang maramdaman ang malambot na tela na nakapalibot sa diddib ko. It was Eustace's coat, at ngayon ay nasa drive thru kami ng isang fast food chain at naghihintay sa order na kape.

Kailan kaya ibinalot sa kawatan ko ang coat niya? Hindi ko man lang napansin.

He glanced at me and noticed that I was already fluttering my eyes open.

"Have a drink, it will wake you up."

Umayos ako ng upo sa passenger's seat at tinanggap ang kape na nasa paper cup.

Humigop ako ng kape at naramdaman ang pagdaloy ng init na likido sa bibig ko hanggang lalamunan. That somehow eased the cold that I felt which almost made me shiver.

Eustace leaned in towards me as he fixed his coat to cover me better with it. I held onto the helm of the coat and our hands suddenly touched. Dahil walang bubong ang sasakyan na gamit namin ay sumasalubong talaga sa mukha at balikat ang lamig ng hangin. I wore thick clothes before leaving but it seemed that wasn't enough.

Eustace held my hands as if checking if I was feeling that cold, worried enough if my hands were now freezing while I gaze at his eyes.

For seconds we remained gazing at each other until, I said, "Thank you for driving safely. I will drive you now to Detroit."

He slowly let go of my hand. Ako naman ay uminom pa ng dalawang lagok ng kape at inalis na ang coat niyang nakabalot sa harapan ko at lumabas ng sasakyan. Lumabas na rin siya sa driver's seat at umikot kaming dalawa para magpalit ng puwesto.

Sinimulan ko agad ang makina at nagdrive na.

We arrived at the hospital and Eustace immediately rushed towards the elevator. Alam niya na kung saang floor at kwarto ang Dad niya at sobrang nagmamadali siyang makarating doon na kulang na lang tumakbo siya sa bilis at laki nang paghakbang.

The hospital's white wall caused the bright fluorescent light to illuminate the entire building with vibrance. Ilang beses akong pumipikit dahil masakit sa mata sa sobrang liwanag na paligid.

I walked next to Eustace as he rushed towards the higher floors of the hospital at sumunod lang sa kanya kung saang liko man ang kanyang gawin. Hanggang sa tumigil siya sa isang pintuan at humarap sa akin.

"This is the private room," aniya. Then he turned his back on me at pinihit na ang siradura.

He stepped inside and I remained in my spot outside the room hanggang sa sumarado na ulit ang pinto. Nakasilip ako ng kaunti at nakitang maraming tao sa loob, pero tahimik except sa medical equipments. Then I heard nothing.

Hindi na ako sumubok pang pumasok sa loob dahil hindi naman ako kailangan doon. Hindi na rin lumingon pa si Eustace.

Tumingin-tingin ako sa paligid. Hindi ko man gustuhin pero kinakilabutan ako sa loob ng ospitaL. Lalo na kapag ganito... mag-isa lang sa walang katao-taong corridor.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at sinubukang pagaanin ang loob pero mas lalo lang yata akong natakot. Kulang na lang ay manginig.

Naghintay pa ako ng ilang minuto at nang hindi pa rin lumalabas si Eustace, nagsimula na akong maglakad paalis. Hanggang sa pinindot ko na ang button ng elevator pababa.

Pwede na ba akong umuwi? Or should I wait for Eustace? Uuwi ba siya o hindi?

Naupo ako sa driver's seat ng sasakyan na sa susunod na mga araw ko pa isasauli sa may-ari. Renting a car was easy in Livonia basta ba may pera at walang sabit ang pangalan.

Dahil hindi ko alam kung aalis na ba ako o maghihintay muna ay nakatulog na pala ako, nakapahinga ang ulo sa streering wheel at naidlip.

The sun was shinning when I opened my eyes again; tiningnan ko ang wrist watch ko at 7 am na pala.
I should probably go home.

I fixed my hair and looked at my image at the rareview mirror. Bumaling ako sa harapan at saktong andoon si Eustace, halos tumakbo palabas at sinuyod ng tingin ang paligid.

He ran towards the car and stood near me at the driver's seat. "Lienna."

"How's your Dad.?"

Halo-halo ang emosyong nakita ko sa mga mata niya. "He's now stable. But the nurses are paying attention to his blood pressure and sugar levels. It was a tough time—witnessing everything for hours. But it was tough also for you to wait in here. Bakit hindi ka umuwi?"

Hindi ko rin alam.

"Did you wait for me?"

"Ah, hindi." I guess, that was a better response kaysa naman ipaliwanag ko ang paggiging magulo ng sarili. "Hinila na kasi ako ng antok, hindi ko namalayan."

"Alright. Sabay na tayong umuwi sa Livonia?" pag-aya niya. Umikot siya para umupo sa passenger's seat.

"Aalis ka ng ospital?"

"I have to change and return my luggage. Ako ang magbabantay kay Dad mamaya."

Tumango ako. I smiled at him but instead of returning the smile, he leaned in to hold my hand.

Then he whispered, "Thank you for being here, Lienna." His voice was soft and gentle. It reminded me of his kisses on my lips. I could still recall the warmth of his body near mine and the teasing kisses he left on my lips leaving me wanting for more.

Shit, why am I even thinking about that? It was obviously over.

Pero ang lakas nang pagkabog ng dibdib ko na parehong naramdaman ko nang halikan namin ang isa't-isa at ngayong hawak-hawak niya ang kamay ko, ayaw pang lumipas.

I started the car's engine and stepped on the accelerator.

As soon as we arrived at the apartment, Eustace was quick to grab our luggage at siya na nagbuhat paakyat. I glanced at his familiar luggage na sabi niya simula pa noong mga nakalipas na buwan ay ipinahiran lang ng Uncle niya at wala na siyang ibang magamit.

Napangiti ako nang maalala iyong isang beses na masukahan ko ang braso niya buti na lang nakasuot siya ng coat noon—pero mas inuna niya pang isalba ang luggage.

He stopped in front of my unit, ibinigay na sa akin ang luggage ko. "I'll see you later, Lienna."

Tumango ako. "Ingat, Eustace."

We paused for a moment. As he leaned in closer to me, my heart almost wanted to burst. Was he going to kiss me again...

Instead of his lips grazing on mine, I felt his warmth cover me as his arms encircled around me.

He hugged me tightly and never said a word. I closed my eyes and took in the familiar rush of emotions inside me that were wanting to be noticed for the nth time.

"Thank you for the weekend trip. Kahit hindi kompleto... nag-enjoy ako."

"You're the best buddy I could share a ride for hours. Thank you din, Eustace," I said. I wanted to keep the atmosphere casual. Dahil parang nalalasing na ako sa pamilyar na pakiramdam ngayong yakap-yakap si Eustace.

***

Lumipas ang mga araw at nagtuloy-tuloy na ang shift ko sa grill. Pagkatapos ay dadaan sa ospital dahil baka hindi na naman umuuwi si Eustace para alagaan din ang sarili niya.

He was tasked to attend to his Dad. I don't know why his Dad's family wouldn't just hire a nurse para makapag-assist dito. Minsan naiisip ko gusto nilang pahirapan si Eustace—which was a cruel thought, I admit.

Ngayon ay nag-order ako ng pagkain sa grill para dalhin kay Eustace sa ospital. Minsan kasi, hindi na nakakakain ang lalaking 'yon. Hindi ako sigurado kung ayaw niya ba o wala talaga siyang oras. His Dad had his own diet plan made by the doctors. Kaya hindi nakakakain ng kahit ano aside sa mga prutas.

Hindi pa man ako nakakapasok sa mismong hospital room ng Dad niya, galing sa labas, kita ko ang sitwasyon nito—nakahiga sa kama at hindi maikilos ang mga binti. He indeed had a stroke.

Eustace's dad could look years younger than his actual age, yet his real body and lifestyle had concluded his fate.

Mahilig pala itong uminom noong kabataan. Nagbiro pa ng isang beses si Eustace na kaya daw nabuntis ang Mama niya dahil pareho ang mga itong lasing. It's just that his mother stood upfront with the consequences of her actions while his dad escaped for the reason that he has a company to descend and dreams to achieve.

It pained me listening to Eustace talk about his family history with humor laced underneath the pain of what truly happened in his past.

Naaabutan ko na lang siya sa tuwing matatapos ang shift ko bandang hapon. This time though, umuwi siya sa apartment kasama ako. And he invited me to a coffee, I would smile back and gladly accept his offers everytime. Gaya ngayon.

Nakahiga kami sa maliit niyang balcony at kita ang payapang langit sa pagtingala. Nakasandal siya sa railing ng balcony habang ako naman ay nakahiga ang ulo sa kandungan niya. For the sole reason that he was too tired to grab some pillows inside his room. Ako na lang sana ang kukuha nang hinila niya ang kamay ko para hindi na ako umalis pa.

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mga mata. Pero sumunod naman ako sa gusto niyang mangyari. Umayos ako sa paghinga sa kandungan niya. 

Hindi ko alam pero sa paglipas ng mga araw ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko habang kausap at kasama si Eustace. It was like we have formed a bond that we haven't agreed directly but we both genuinely do things for each other because it makes us happy in ways we hadn't before.

Marami na kaming napag-usapan kanina. Ang alam ko mamayang gabi babalik na ulit siya ng ospital kaya ayon, nag-imbita nang makakausap.

I'd like to believe he invited me because being alone amid the situations Eustace's going through with his Dad was too much.

Masaya din naman akong makasama siya ngayon.

Tumitig ako ngayon sa mga mata niya sa halip na sa mga langit.

"I remember you smile so bright when I saw you that winter at a park on the Mayrien Road. I have yet to see that innocent bright smile of yours once again."

Kumunot ang noo.

Bumangon ako sa pagkakahiga para maharap siya nang maayos.

Tumikhim ko. "Why does it seem so relevant to tackle a particular smile like it was that huge part in our lives? As human, we change and evolve."

"Because you look so vibrant and joyful when I saw you that winter, Lienna. That smile kinda disappeared."

Umiling ako at napatitig sa mga kamay. "It disappeared? You don't know anything." It was taken away. Pinigilan ko ang mga emosyong gustong kumawala.

"Nakilala na kita ngayon. Alam ko na ang i-ilang bagay tungkol sa 'yo. Atleast I know... something, some portions of your life."

Ayaw ko pang sumabog pero--- "Tapos, Eustace?"

"I know you, Lienna. Because I am right here, and choosing to be right here."

Lumunok ako. "Then what? Ano ngayon? Eustace... you're just here because you seemed... needed. You wanted someone to need you. Sa tingin mo siguro, namamalimos ako ng atensyon mo para may makausap at makasama—katulad ngayon. Pero hindi pala madali kaya gusto mong may mas malaman pa."

"No, Lienna. I think I already see you through more than other people wanted to."

He tilted his head so he could gaze at my eyes better. "Ayaw mo nang mag-isa hindi ba? Maganda pa rin naman ang ngiti mo ngayon kahit nagbago nang kaunti. I want to be here with you. Like this with you."

Umiling-iling ako agad at nagbaba ng paningin. "Honestly... I don't want that kind of relationship, Eustace. I don't want someone to love me because he feels fulfilled that he could help me or he could be with me amid this lonely phase of my life. I can... stand on my own. I want to stand on my own. Kung sakali..." Huminga ako nang malalim bago nagpatuloy. "A-Ayokong maubos ka kakabigay sa mga bagay na kailangan ko. Atensyon. Oras. Yakap. I don't want to drag you in my own mess—going out with friends, drinking, partying, leaving when I don't want to deal with the chaos."

Shit, why did I just mutter the word love? At saan na ba umabot ang mga sinasabi ko?

Handa na akong marinig ang pagtawa ni Eustace dahil sa biglaan kong sinabi pero tinanggap niya iyon. Na parang iyon din mismo ang gusto niyang pag-usapan.

"That was your past, Lienna. I had my fair share of past mistakes. "

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

"I am only human too. I am flawed like you. I have bad habits that drown me when I lost all the will to fight. But this time, I gathered courage to still continue. You give me courage to still continue like you did. And how you gave me hope about Dad. I am also messed up like you. Hindi mo kailangang matakot sa akin o mag-alala."

I gazed at him intently as my eyes slowly got filled with tears.

"Gusto kita..." paos ang boses niyang sabi. "Beyond any reasons that you can come up with."

Yumuko siya at tinitigan ang kamay kong hawak-hawak niya pa rin ngayon. His touch was soft and soothing. "Hindi mo man ako gusto pabalik... can you atleast keep me closer, Lienna? Kahit kaibigan." He almost sounded begging.

Alam ko sa sariling kong hindi niya na kailangang gawin iyon---ang magmakaawa. Eustace has loving and caring nature. I guess, any woman who won't fall for him are only those who already love someone else. And me? I don't think I belong in the latter.

"Am I already creeping you out? It's just that I don't want you to be alone. You can't struggle alone. Not this time. You have been, since you faced the chaos in your family. I want to be here for you. Kaya umuwi ako. Para makasama ka. Kahit saglit lang. Walang kapalit. Kahit bilang kaibigan lang."

"Eustace."

"O kung gusto mo, higit pa doon."

Gusto kong matawa sa loob-loob ko. How could he just easily say the things that had been running inside my mind that I couldn't even admit to myself?

"Kahit walang label." Tumikhim siya.

Each second passed and I was practically staring at his lips as he enunciated his thoughts. "I mean... I just don't think I could allow you to distance yourself away from me. Andito na tayo. Some nights, I am holding you tight... would you allow me to still do so in the upcoming days?"

"You're stubborn, Eustace." I said, instead of the words that were running inside my head.

I couldn't say that I melted with his words.

I ran my finger through his hair, it immediately stretched a smile on my lips and appreciation inside my heart. His silky thick hair feels soothing between the gaps of my fingers. And I remember his soft laugh now, like before, it constantly echoes in my ears. The boy I once knew—named Eustace, now a man.

He was still gentle and adorable, still. . . single─only that, he's a huge part Avie's life.

Am I really ready for this?

"I am not coercing you to agree on this," saad niya, nabasa yata ang malalim na pag-iisip ko.

"Nor I am doing the same to you," I mumbled, burying my face on his chest. And he hugged me tight like he had waited years to do so.

Ipinahinga rin niya ang noo sa ibabaw ng ulo ko. "It's you, Lienna. Since I first confessed to you. It had been only you since."

It feels great to be wanted again.

But Eustace... you're too precious for a complicated person like me.