HALF-ASLEEP, I twisted from my bed to find a comfortable sleeping position when I heard a loud siren outside. Napabangon ako agad at halos tumigil ang paghinga ko. The noise from the siren was near, I immediately realized the police car might be parking in front of the apartment.

I put on a robe as worry started crawling through my system. Naalala ko agad iyong pagpunta ng mga police para arestuhin si Eustace, so early in the morning and I was left surprised upon finding out the commotions outside the hallway.

Ngunit ngayon ay gabi na, andito na naman ba ang mga police officers para kay Eustace?

Nagmadali akong lumabas ng kwarto at agad pinihit ang siradura ng pintuan palabas. Laking gulat ko nang mamataan si Eustace sa harapan ko na nasa labas din ng unit niya.

"Lienna, gising ka pa pala?"

"What's happening?"

Bumaling ang tingin ni Eustace sa katabi kong unit na nakabukas ang pinto, halos limang kapitbahay naman ang nakasilip din doon at mahinang nag-uusap.

There were people waiting by the door in their uniform, pero hindi mga police. They look like rescuers, the same as the people who rescue people in an emergency or accidents, nakasuot sila ng gloves at may dalang stretcher.

Pumasok sila sa loob sa nakabukas na pinto ng unit na kasunod lang ng sa akin.

A few minutes later, they were carrying someone's body covered in black cloth from head to toe.

Kinilabutan ako sa napagmasdan at mabilis na humakbang palapit kay Eustace. I grabbed at the helm of his shirt.

He leaned in closer to me and whispered in my ear. "They're rescuing our neighbor," sagot ni Eustace sa itinanong ko.

"Is she dead?"

"Unfortunately, yes," mahina ang boses niyang sagot, bakas ang lungkot sa boses.

"It's believed that she hanged herself. Her body was discovered when her friend visited her after not showing up for days at their university. She was going through a break-up then ended up this way."

"Oh, God."

I gazed at Eustace, and saw him looking at me already and then towards the opened door of the girl's unit who had lost her life. "May her soul find peace and rest."

"May she rest in peace," I mumbled.

Tuluyan nang nagsialis ang mga taong nakasilip sa nangyayari. We saw the owner of the apartment trying to console the crying friend of the girl who died.

Huminga ako nang malalim. "Ang sakit magmahal. A misery. Ang hirap mawalan ng kaibigan na nagpakamatay dahil sa pag-ibig na hindi naibigay ng buo."

"It's not that love's a misery. It's the people we chose to love that makes it hard enough we lose ourselves in the process. Some people do things to end the pain once and for all. But in truth, suicide just transfers the pain to other people, nothing's resolved." Eustace remained so close to my spot and I didn't bother backing away.

Mas lalo akong lumapit. He was kind enough not to make me feel isolated after fear and horror crept into my system upon realizing what the commotion earlier was about.

"You think so?"

"Yup," he said, certain enough.

"I believe so, too." Huminga ako nang malalim. "I will get back inside."

I started walking in small steps.

"Sure, Lienna." Eustace turned his back on me also.

Bago ako tuluyang nakapasok ay nakita kong nagsi-alisan na nang tuluyan ang mga tao at inilock na ulit ng may-ari ng apartment ang unit na katabi ng sa akin.

Ang alam ko lang ay isang college student ang nakatira sa katabi kong unit simula noong nakaraang buwan. Hindi namann ito pala labas kaya madalas hindi din namin napapansin. At ang marinig ang ganitong nangyari ay nakakadurog ng puso. It saddened me.

I rushed back inside my unit and returned to my room. Naramdaman ko agad ang lambot ng kama. I covered my body with the smooth comforter and then closed my eyes. With how this day had been and with that long shift in the grill, exhaustion immediately dragged me to sleep once again.

I woke up in the middle of the night with sweat on my forehead. Uminit ang paligid dahil hindi na umaandar ang air-conditioner. Nakapatay na rin ang ilaw sa bedside table ko.

Agad akong umupo sa kama at halos magpanic nang itim lang ang nakikita ko.

Sobrang dilim sa kwarto at pinagpapawisan ako dahil sa init.

I tried looking for my phone by touching the surface of my bed pero wala akong mahagilap. I tried once more, this time I made it. It was almost at the edge of the bed, isang kilos ko na lang siguro ay mahuhulog na iyon sa sahig.

I turned it on and saw the portion of its battery nearing to empty. Low battery na iyon at nasa 10% na lang. Napapikit ako. May power interruption ba? What's possibly wrong? Noong nakaraang buwan ay may generator naman ang apartment kaya hindi hassle bakit ngayon parang wala...

Inayos ko na ulit ang unan ko para bumalik sana sa pagtulog nang marinig ang malakas na kalampag sa katabing unit ko.

I froze in my spot.

Then there was another.

"Mama!" sigaw ko at nagmadaling bumangon sa kama.

I used my phone as a flashlight to see the doors inside my unit as I rushed outside.

Then I found myself knocking continuously on Eustace's door. "Eustace! Eustace! Hello!" I pressed the doorbell on his unit, hoping it was still working pretty well. Dahil kung hindi ay manlalamig ako rito sa labas dahil sa takot nang mahigit ilang oras.

Madilim pa rin ang paligid. Nanlalamig ang batok ko at hindi ko man lang sinubukan lumingon sa likuran.

Takot ako sa multo. Kapag may namamatay, takot ako sa naiisip na baka makita ko ang kaluluwa nila.

And there was no light inside my unit! Halos ma-dead battery na rin ang phone ko.

I kept knocking on Eustace's door... until he opened it.

"Hoy, ba't gising ka pa hanggang ngayon?"

He was using his phone as a flashlight while his eyes were formed into slights. Ang buhok din na madalas ay maayos ay nagulo, halatang natutulog siya kani-kanina lang.

"Sorry sa pagkalampag ko sa unit mo ng ganitong oras pero pwede ba pumasok," hindi na ako naghintay pa ng sagot at dali-dali akong humakbang sa loob ng unit niya at isinara ang pintuan.

Malakas akong napabuntong hininga.

"That almost rendered me to panic." Nagpatuloy ako sa paghinga nang malalim. The only light that's illuminating Eustace's unit was his phone directed to me.

Tumikhim ako. "Um, I think there was some power outage or something... wala yatang kuryente?"

Inalis ni Eustace ang flashlight na kanina ay nakatuon mismo sa akin.

Tsaka ko lang napansin na wala siyang damit pang-itaas nang pagbuksan ako ng pinto.

Agad akong nag-iwas ng paningin at siya naman ay napayuko. "Mainit kanina."

"The end of winter could be felt indeed."

I saw him nod through the corner of my eyes. "So, Lienna why are you here?" seryoso niyang tanong. Ang boses ay kalmado ngayon, pero ang mga mata ay halatang may kaunting antok.

"May kumakalampag sa dingding ng kwarto ko."

Kumunot ang noo niya habang naglalakad. Sumunod ako sa kanya nang maupo sa maliit niyang living room. "Totoo?"

"For real," sagot ko agad. "Tapos iyong phone ko 10% na lang ang battery. Hindi ko nagagawang makatulog nang walang ilaw kapag takot ako."

"So that's why you knocked on my door."

"Come on, you'd let me out?"

"Hindi."

"Okay..." I said then smiled.

Naupo si Eustace sa harapan ko pero tumayo muna para kumuha ng kandila sa kitchen. Sinindihan niya iyon at inilagay sa center table. Mas lalong nagliwanag ang paligid. I could now see his stomach, flat and rigged with abs. His biceps were a bit muscly too. But he doesn't look bulky. Lienna, your thoughts.

Kinastigo ko ang sarili at napatikhim. "I see that you have some candles. Puwede ba akong makahingi tapos ay aalis na ako rito."

"Bakit ka aalis? Pinapaalis ba kita?"

"Hindi pero—"

"Stay, Lienna. If you're afraid to see a ghost and being alone."

I gazed at Eustace. The light immitted by the candle illuminated his gentle features and it made him look ethereal in my eyes. Yet illegal too, since his topless torso was freely exposed for me to look at.

"Tumingin nang maayos, baka maduling ka."

"Ang hangin mo, Eustace."

"Kasalanan ko bang hindi mo maiwas ang mga mata mo sa 'kin?"

Ngumiwi ako.

"Totoo naman," pagpilit niya.

"Actually... makikitulog na lang siguro ako rito sa couch," I said, my mind dazed with emotions I couldn't name.

"Ge," ani Eustace. "Pwede rin sa kwarto ko."

"Hoy, nagiging malala ka na." Pinanliitan ko siya ng mga mata pero tumawa lang ang gunggong.

"Pwedeng doon ka tapos dito na ako sa couch."

"Ganoon ba?"

Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo. "Pwede bang matulog sa sahig ng kwarto mo?"

Kita ko ang pagkunot ng noo niya. "Lienna?" hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong sa akin. "Sigurado ka bang hindi mo ako gusto pabalik?"

Natameme ako sa naging tanong niya. Agad kumapa nang maisasagot. "Hindi kita pinagsasamantalahan or anything," saad ko at nagtaas ng dalawang kamay. "Takot lang ako kapag may nakikitang patay. Tapos katabi pa ng unit ko kung saan nangyari."

Tinitigan ako ni Eustace. Seryoso, pero mapupungay ang mga mata. Umiintindi. "Alright." Pinatay niya ang kandila at ang cellphone na lang ang ginamit bilang ilaw.

"Ayos lang sa 'yo sa sahig?" tanong niya.

Tumango ako agad-agad. "Yes, definitely. I couldn't ask for more."

"Come with me."

Naglatag ng comforter si Eustace sa tabi ng kama niya habang ako naman ay hawak-hawak ang cellphone niya na naka-on ang flashlight, iniilawan ang bawat kilos niya.

"You can have the bed."

"Eustace—" Pero dumapa na siya sa comforter na inilatag niya sa sahig.

"Put my phone above the bedside table and keep the flashlight on. Have a goodnight, Lienna."

At nagtakip na siya ng unan sa mukha. Wala akong nagawa at sumunod na lang sa kanyang sinabi. When I sat on the bed, parang may humaplos ng puso ko sa lambot noon. At siguro pati na rin sa ginawa ni Eustace.

The moment I lay on the bed and closed my eyes, I dozed off after several minutes.

DAYS CONTINUED to pass, I and Eustace shared subtle fun moments in between. Aware of the existence of each other, and occasionally hanging out for casual dinner at downtown. Spring started a week ago at kagaya nga nang napag-usapan, gagala kaming dalawa ngayong araw.

I put on a flowy dress with flower prints. I paired it with a cardigan and brown boots. Tumitig ako sa salamin ng bathroom at umikot nang bahagya. I looked vibrant with a genuine smile stretched on my lips.

Kinuha ko ang susi ng rental car na kinuha ko kahapon. I paid it with my own money since I was able to earn some with my job at the grill. I made use of the three days' leave that I have as a privilege being an employee who had the maximum hours of overtime made for two weeks. Pinaghandaan ko ang araw na ito. Pinaghirapan ko rin.

Eustace said he'd be the one assigned for the food and others—he said for sure we'd be seeing flowers, grass, and the woods for this out of town spontaneous trip. I suggested a cabin spot, nagustuhan niya naman at pumayag agad.

May balak pa yata akong ipain sa mga wild animals ng lalaking 'yon or iligaw sa kagubatan.

Eustace had been a great company. And he never said about his feelings for me in hopes that we won't feel awkward. I could feel that he enjoys my company too. Not minding about whether we should be something that we are not at this point or whatsoever.

I was filled with gratitude most especially today.

"Eustace?" I knocked on his door. Sinubukan kong pihitin dahil nakabukas naman. "Tara na?"

"I will just grab a shirt!"

"Hilig nitong maghubad gumagana naman na ang air-con."

I remained at the door at hinintay siyang magpakita. I have to check the car and have it ready for the long drive later

"It'll be a three-day trip right?" tanong niya, hindi kita ang bandang bathroom sa puwesto ko kaya baka nandoon siya ngayon.

Then he showed up with just a piece of towel wrapped around his waist at wala nang iba. Kakatapos lang niyang maligo.

"Uh, sorry. Your door was open so—"

"Ah, hindi ko pala na-ilock."

Huminga ako nang malalim para makapagsalita nang maayos kahit pa ramdam ko ang kaunting pagwawala ng dibdib ko. Ang kalmado ng boses niya ngayong umaga. At ang maliit na ngiti sa labi ay parang nasisiyahan pang nandito ako sa puwesto ngayon.

"Lakas ng tama mo," saad ko dahil wala na akong masabi. Ayan na naman ang saglit niyang paghalakhak. "Hintayin kita sa labas."

"As you should, Lienna. Kung iiwan mo ako magugutom ka sa daan."

"May pambili na ako no!"

"Mas lalaki ang expenses mo. Kaya mo nga ako isasama dahil gusto mong makatipid?"

Akma akong na-shock pero sa totoo lang gusto ko nang matawa. "Paano mo nalaman?"

"Ako lang 'to," aniya at tinanguan ako.

Tuluyan na akong natawa at napailing-iling. "Be quick, Eustace!"

"For sure, with you."

Masasabi kong ayos naman siyang kasama, pero madalas siyang magbiro na hindi ko ma-gets.

Bumaba na ako ng apartment at nilapitan ang pulang vintage car na nirentahan ko para sa darating na tatlong araw.

This trip would be like a vacation that I anticipated for years. Taking a break from the bustling and rumble of work and making ends meet. I know that I am doing what I can do to sustain my needs, a never-ending loop of surviving, and this... this trip that I'd be going through in the next three days is showing myself that I am living.

Nakaparada ang sasakyan sa harapan ng apartment at naupo na ako sa driver's seat. I checked the lights and the breaks tapos ay isinuot ko ang shades ko at tumingala sa langit. The sun was high up and the wind kissed hello on my skin.

I smiled.

"Lienna!" Eustace's voice echoed as he half-run towards the car. Agad niyang inilagay sa trunk ang luggage katabi ng sa akin na kanina ko pa inilagay. He looked dashing wearing a polo and brown khaki shorts the same color as my boots. Nakasuot din siya ng itim na boots at itim na shades.

"We can order the food at the cabin."

"Hindi ka nakapagluto?"

"Hindi ako nakatulog kagabi dahil nag-impake, may tinapos din akong workload kaya late na rin ako nagising." Napahawak siya sa batok.

"Loko 'to," saad ko. Pero hindi napigilang matawa. He looked apologetic yet warm, halatang confident na magiging maayos ang lahat dahil alam niya na ang susunod na gagawin.

Sumakay na siya sa tabi ko at nilingon ako nang nakangiti.

"Ang saya mo yata ngayon."

"How can I not? Ang ganda ng panahon."

"Ikaw din," aniya.

"Thank you," I said, then laughed. Pero nakangiti lang siyang nakamasid sa akin.

I chuckled before stepping on the accelerator.

Both of us turned our gaze to the road in front of us as the car moved and the wind blew my hair.