MOMENTS AGO, I was aware of how we had restrained ourselves to not take any actions that we'll regret afterward. But it seemed that our minds were beyond trying at this point dahil ngayon ay nakaupo kami sa sahig sa harapan ng balcony ni Eustace.

Matapos kumawala sa yakap ng isa't-isa ay napayuko ako at siya naman ay nag-aya na sumilip sa labas. It was already dark outside but the lights from the neighborhood looks pleasing in the eyes.

Hindi kagaya sa Detroit na sobang tatayog ng mga building, sa Livonia ay ramdam ang lamig at payapang gabi. The moon glimmed with bright evening light, I was smiling at gazing at it.

Nang mapagtantong hindi namin makakayanan ang lamig sa labas ng balcony sa mga oras na ito ay naupo na lang kami sa sahig sa loob ng unit niya at nakontento sa pagsilip na lang. He was drinking a fruit juice on a can while I was munching some chips.

Simula kanina ay nag-uusap lang kami ng kung anu-ano. Paminsan-minsan ay matatahimik pero matatawa lang kaming dalawa.

"Kumusta pala ang trabaho mo?" tanong ni Eustace. Nakasandal siya ngayon sa dingding. Sigurado akong malamig iyon dahil hindi katulad sa sala na may makapal na kurtina ang bawat sulok ng living room, sa puwesto namin ngayon ay wala.

"I hadn't shown up on my shift for two days now," I said, letting go of the need to lie to cover up for my own negligence.

Kunot-noo siyang nakabaling sa akin ngayon. "Bakit? I thought you badly need the job?"

"Right, kasi kailangan kong makahanap ng pera."

"Have you earned enough money now?"

Umiling-iling ako. May utang pa nga.

"But I feel like I don't wanna go back in there anymore... not yet," I mumbled like I was in a trance-reflecting on my past actions that I would never get to redo.

"May kuwento ako," I said.

"Malungkot o masaya?"

"Bakit naman kailangan mo malaman bago marinig ang buong kuwento?"

"Para alam ko kung patatahanin ba kita o ako ang papatayin mo kakatawa," ani Eustace sabay tumango-tango, parang kinukumbinse akong sabayan ang kung ano'ng balak niyang gawin.

"I figured you have a fun personality, Eustace pero minsan ayaw mong ilabas."

He gazed at me, seriousness filled his eyes. "When you're too transparent it's easy for people to hurt you and gravitate towards your own emotions."

"Only if you allow them," I said.

"I usually allow them."

"Siguro malungkot din ang kuwento ng buhay mo," saad ko. I already heard a portion of it and it also tears my heart into shreds. "Dito tayo nagkakaintindihang dalawa."

"What's your biggest regret in life, Lienna?"

"Hmm, regrets? Madami." Natawa ako matapos aminin iyon. "Alam mo... I gave up the path of becoming a chemist. I owned up to my mistakes and faced the consequences. I pursued the path towards dancing and music..."

"You never told me about this."

"I haven't told you about a lot of things, Eustace. Kasi noon, sobrang umasa at nagtiwala ako sa mga kaibigan ko. But I ended up holding onto a barbed wire, hurting myself as I gripped on it tighter. Matapos magkuwento, hinusgahan na nila ako. Kaya minsan takot na ako, baka mangyari iyon ulit."

Huminga ako nang malalim at tumingala tapos ay ngumiti. Fear started creeping in, I started to worry that I would end up crying at hindi ko matapos ang pagkukuwento.

But Eustace leaned in towards me and he kept looking at me, interested and engaged enough to hear more of what I was saying. That gave me the courage to continue.

"I was part of a band back then. I play the drums. I earned money. And I thought, yeah that was it. 'Di ba nag-aaral ang lahat para makahanap ng trabaho at magkapera? I was only 19 that time and I was already earning... nakalimutan ko hindi pala dapat sa pera lang umiikot ang isipam. Pero huli na, hindi na ako pumasok sa course ko, madalang na lang akong umuwi sa bahay. At noong nabuwag na ang grupo namin, at naiwan akong walang magawa? I was there, nagliliwaliw. My friends were there. Pero nakalimutan ko ang pamilya ko. Hiyang-hiya ako to the point na hindi ko na magawang bumalik sa kanila."

Tumikhim ako at itinago ang sakit sa pagtawa. "Napahaba yata ang sagot ko."

"You shared a vulnerable portion of your life, it's okay if you cry, Lienna."

"Ayos lang naman ako..." Buntonghininga ulit. "Siguro to put it simply, I regret that I didn't finish college because of my messed-up life decisions."

"You can still make it happen."

"I'm almost 30, Eustace."

"Then? So be it. You can be thirty and you can still work hard for that degree you dream to acquire." Ikiniling niya ang ulo, pansin kong ginagawa niya 'to kapag gustong makapag-isip nang maayos. "Though I think you're a few years below thirty."

"Age reveal na ba?" biro ko.

But what he said struck me that I kept the smile on my lips even when I feel hollow and distressed inside and never considered going back to college, what he said just gave me hope. What if I could really do that?

"I do have my fair share of regrets. I was able to finish a degree. Even got a professional license. Pero..." siya naman ngayon ang nagsalita.

"Pero?"

"Those didn't give me happiness, Lienna."

"Why?"

And I thought with the profession he has now, he is happy or fulfilled at some point.

"Maybe because I knew the real reason why I decided to attain those things. I want to prove something. My relatives wanted me to prove something to my Dad who made my mother suffer on her own after having me without a husband."

"Akala ko magsisisi siyang hindi niya pinanagutan si Mama kasi lumaki akong successful; pero hindi man lang siya nagsisi sa ginawa. Hindi man lang nagpasalamat sa mga taong nagpalaki sa akin nang maayos. At ngayon, kahit pa ilang taon na akong nandito, nagtatrabaho para sa kompanya niya, hindi ko mahagilap ang halaga ko bilang isang anak."

My heart ached for Eustace as he struggled to keep his composure at this point. Hindi na siya nakatingin sa akin at binalingan na lang ang empty can ng fruit juice na naubos niya na ang laman.

Gusto ko siyang lapitan at marahang tapikin sa likod... pero natuod din ako sa puwesto, ramdam ang lungkot niya.

"Naniniwala akong may dahilan kung bakit nangyayari ang mga bagay," I said when Eustace stopped talking.

Agad siyang bumaling sa akin at nakinig sa sasabihin ko. Parang nakahinga siya nang maluwag kasi hindi na namin kailangan pang pag-usapan ang tungkol sa kanya.

"Alam mo no'ng isang beses, winter iyon dito sa Michigan. Inimbitahan akong mag-ski, iyon ang pinakaunang kahihiyan sa buhay ko. May isang lalaki na gustong hawakan ang kamay ko habang nagpapatianod sa snow galing sa bundok, but I felt awkward because that might mean differently to our other neighbors who were teens like us. Panay ang paghindi ko. Kasi unang subok sa pagski, parang automatic nagkaroon ako ng reflexes para makapagski nang maayos. Bakit ko pa kailangan ang assistance ng iba? But after several turns and stances, I bumped onto a rock, I swerved and rolled over a distance while my limbs where splayed in awkward positions. No choice ako kung hindi humingi ng tulong sa mga kasama ko."

Nagpigil siya ng tawa sa kuwento ko.

"Oo, na assumera ako noon tapos matigas din ang ulo, deserve ko ang kahihiyan."

Umiling-iling si Eustace at umusog sa puwesto parang gusto yatang mas lumapit sa akin. If I know, tawang-tawa siya sa nakakahiyang experience na 'yon.

"No, Lienna. Sa tingin ko, hindi iyon nakakahiya, instead you proved a point to yourself and to others. That it is okay to ask for help, but we have to try and trust ourselves first. Even at a young age, you are bold."

Napatitig ako sa kanya. I moved from my spot pero medyo nangangalay ang likod ko kasi wala akong masandalan.

It seemed that Eustace felt that too kaya ay kumilos na rin siya. At sabay kaming tumayo sa puwesto tapos ay lumapit sa my dingding, sabay kaming umupo ulit sa sahig at sumandal doon. Our shoulders brushed and that made us look at each other.

None of us broke our gaze immediately.

I knew I was breathing slow a while ago. But this time, I could feel the shiver running down my spine that I had to look at Eustace if he ever felt the same. I saw him gazing at my eyes, then his gaze landed on my lips.

As if instinct then took over. I bit my lower lip and couldn't help but also stare at his. They were kissable. His lips moved, mumbling something I couldn't hear.

I saw him inhale a sharp breath as if trying so hard not to move closer.

"Eustace," my voice came out of breath.

"You shouldn't be this tempting, Lienna."

It was then that I realized I was already clasping the collar of his shirt. Our lips were now pressed on each other. I blinked once after his lips grazed on mine twice. Ang dalawang kamay niya ay nakatukod sa likod. And I was leaning on him.

"You look stunning," Eustace whispered, his lips just inches from mine now after several shallow kisses. "And your chuckle sounds so genuine, I've been wanting to pull you close."

I closed my eyes and I kissed him again. One peck on his lips. Followed by another. Tasting the sweetness on the tip of his lips. Until he responded. Waves of shivers flowed through my viens. "What have you done to me, Eustace?"

"I believe I should ask you that first."

I felt his gentle touch below my waist. "Can I?" he asked if he could touch me there, napalunok ako at tumango. "Can I kiss you more, Lienna?"

That was the last straw I had before I finally moved from my spot. Both of his hands were on the side of my waist as I straddled his lap. Then his left hand started stroking my leg.

Our lips moved against each other, moving in rhythm with my erratic heartbeats like banging drums.

Eustace's hands reached the small of my back. Ngayon ay sapo ko na ang magkabilang pisngi niya habang pikit ang mga mata at dama ang pagdampi ng mga labi niya sa akin. Malamyos iyon, magaan.

He kissed me slow and tempting as if taking his time, and I was there slowly drowning in his soft touch oblivious to the fact that I was already straddling his lap for quite some time.

Pero sino pa ba ang makakayanang magbilang ng minuto kung pakiramdam ko sinakop na ni Eustace ang buong sistema ko.

He teased me with feather kisses in between grazing his lips deeply with mine.

"Lienna..." tawag niya sa akin. Naglayo na ang mga labi namin sa isa't-isa pero parang ramdam ko pa rin ang mga labi niya sa labi ko.

My cheek was resting on his cheek, and I could feel his body so close to mine. His warmth, his scent. The way his chest heaved up and then down as he breathed heavily in rhythm with mine.

I have never envisioned myself in this position with Eustace but perhaps it was because I wasn't entertaining the thought or am I too scared to do so? Because I know he's different from the rest. And if I fall for someone, I fall deeply.

Paano kong ako lang pala ang magmahal ng buo sa sitwasyon namin? Because years ago he was crushing over Avie. And I know by his actions and remarks that he loved her, perhaps he still do?

Is it possible to love a person and then like another?

Avie was way beyond me. I will never be like her. Her dedication, compassion, and eagerness to succeed. I will never mirror those qualities.

And when I'm looking at Eustace and hearing all his words, I couldn't help but wonder.

Did he mean his words when he said he likes me? And those gaze and obvious signs of succumbing to his desires, were those real and genuine?

Eustace tilted his head and then a smile slowly stretched on his lips that I had tasted a while ago.

"Would you mind dating me?" malakas ang loob niyang tanong sa akin.