THE FIRST THING that came to mind when my gaze landed on Danica was our last interaction with each other. Sigurado ako noong huling beses na nagkita kami ay halos siya na ang pamorma sa apo ng dating may-ari ng grill na halos kasabay na inabot ng taon ang paglago-the same as the years that had molded our friendship. Inakala kong matatawag kong for lifetime.

It was a hoax.

As she was taking a step forward she raised her head and suddenly froze. Her hands were still clinging to Rhyl's shoulder.

"I didn't know you two could be a good pair," I mumbled.

Nagtagis ang mga ngipin ko pero hindi ko ipinahalata ang namumuong galit.

Binalingan ko si Rhyl. He was adamant, arrogance manifested into a grin on his lips now turning dark because of too much consumption of cigarrites.

"What brought you here, Lienna?"

The mere introduction of his question made my blood boil, and my gaze even turned sharper as I tried to keep my composure in front of him and my secretive friend.

Danica remained quiet.

Siguro ay hindi halata sa mukha ko ang pagkabigla dahil nagawa ko pang ngumiti sa kanilang dalawa at taas-noong kausapin si Rhyl kahit pa gustong-gusto ko na siyang sumbatan sa harapan ngayon.

"You were still into illegal transactions from the black market? And you bought a gun. For what purpose, Rhyl? Do you aspire to trouble someone else again after clinging so much to alcohol when you don't wanna deal with the shits going on in your life? Oh shit, you just did."

I saw him pause.

Tumaas ang mga kilay ko. Pero sa loob-loob ay kinakastigo ang sarili kung bakit hinayaan ko pa ang sariling magtiwala sa kanya-this was basically the reason why I don't cry in front of others. Over time, you'd get comfortable in showing your vulnerabilities to them. And shits come running just as they start to manipulate you into doing what they request you to out of guilt and care with the thought that they once offered you company and love.

Ang daling magpaloko sa taong minahal mo na noon at minahal ka rin pabalik.

Kita ko sa mga mata niya ang unti-unting pagbabago ng ekspresyon. Humarap siya sa akin at si Danica ay naguguluhang tumingin sa akin. Her reaction was the same as the way I took in the situation when I opened up the parcel Rhyl had asked me to get and found out that a gun was inside.

Rhyl took a step near me. "They delivered a gun?"

Umatras ako. Ayaw man lang tumayo nang malapitan sa kanya. "What? Like you didn't know it firsthand? Liar."

I feel nothing for him but disgust, disappointment, and anger.

I knew he was struggling. But just because I once had been part of his life and things didn't turn out well for us, he'd drag me onto mischief. No. That won't ever be fair.

"I loved you. I thought you did the same. I may have left you. But it was never my intention to drag you onto several years of misery. I thought I could still be with you, Rhyl. But we have grown into different people.

"You-you can't allow yourself to be like this. I am no way better than you, I must say. But at least I don't wanna involve other people with my own negligence and illegal doings. I acknowledge that I have hurt you years ago. I was hurting too. But I don't intentionally set up people to suffer in situations that I, myself, should take responsibility for. Now, my friend's detained inside a jail because of what you asked me to do!"

"Lienna, can I explain?" he said, his last words shook as he attempted to grab my wrist but I immediately backed swiftly.

"I won't listen to you anymore. You already missed your chance."

The ride back home was long-my mind was wandering about the events that took place days ago. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng susunod na gagawin. And my instinct took over, perhaps it concluded that I could never be anywhere else with shits going on inside my mind. Only home. To nurse the shock, regret, and guilt that was drowning me.

But right at the front gate of the apartment, I saw Danica standing just beside the road. She was agitated. Titingin sa cellphone. Sa apartment. Sa harapan.

Nakita niya akong palapit kaya agad siyang huminga nang malalim.

"I understand if you're mad at me."

"You can date anyone you'd like."

"Lienna, I was just desperate to have a second job. Rhyl and I weren't dating."

"I didn't ask, Danica."

"He said he could help me. And know that he had many connections since high school. You know that too."

I couldn't raise my face to meet her eyes. I was just there, standing in front of her as I tried to respond politely as I could. I care for her. But I don't think harsh words would solve the problems I am facing now.

The past days had been draining. I couldn't confront her even if I wanted to. All I know is that I never expected Danica to stoop low and cling to Rhyl.

"Things were hard the previous days. I wasn't making enough at the grill."

"Danica..."

"Alam kong na-disappoint ka sa nalaman mo. I am not here to earn your sympathy."

Hirap din ako sa mga nakaraang araw.

Nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko at napatingala. Hindi ko man lang siya natawagan at napagsabihan kung gaano kabigat din ang mga nakaraang araw. Magka-iba rin kami ng shift sa grill kaya halos hindi na nagkikita.

I was too busy with my own struggles that I wasn't able to check up on my friend.

"Sinabi ni Rhyl na may trabaho siyang maibibigay sa akin dahil naghahanap ang isang kakilala niya," dahan-dahang paliwanag ni Danica. "I trusted him, as a friend since high school."

"I did the same, Danica. More than a friend. And this time, as someone I truly value because of what we had before. But he tricked me. There's a possibility that he'd do the same to you."

Yumuko sa harapan ko si Danica at tahimik na umiyak. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at nagpahid na agad ng luha para hindi niya mapansin.

When we're both bombarded with struggles we could be the toughest if seen from the outside. But like any other human, we are also susceptible to pain.

Una siyang umiiyak habang ako, tagong-tago ang bawat pagpahid ng mga luhang maya't-mayang tumutulo sa pisngi.

I invited Danica to have coffee with me inside my unit but she refused and instead gave me a hug. She told me she has to go back to the grill and attend to her shift. And that reminded me of my shift also.

Matapos magpaalam ay nag-aya si Danica na magkita kami ngayong weekend. I immediately nodded. Adulting sucks when you aren't intentional in keeping friendships and connections thriving.

"I'm praying for things to get better for you, Lienna."

"Ikaw din, Danica. You got this."

Ngumiti siya at tumango na. I gazed at her before she got inside the uber that she hailed a while ago.

My steps were slow as I head towards the entrance of the apartment. Humangin kaya mas naramdaman ko ang lamig.

Tumingala ako sa langit.

It was about to snow around this time of the day. Next month, it'll be spring. A symbol of new beginnings. Would I have my own new beginnings after all of these are over? But would these things be over though?

Sumalampak ako sa kama pagkapasok sa unit ko. Ipinikit ang mga mata pero unti-unting sumasakit ang ulo ko. A lone tear flowed from the side of my cheek and I couldn't help but gasp and inhale a sharp breath.

I don't have any choice. Hindi ko magawang hayaan na lang si Eustace harapin ang consequences ng kasalanan na ako naman ang may gawa.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone at tinitigan ang numero ni Avie. I knew I promised to myself that I would never bother Avie again. Nahihiya na akong palaging tumakbo sa kanya para humingi ng tulong. Hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili ko pero saan ba ako dadalhin ng hiya? Kung ang ibang tao na ang nakasalalay...

Without even thinking, I clicked her number on my phone's screen and it immediately rang... dalawang beses at sumagot agad siya.

"Lienna? Whoa, it's been a while! Kumusta ka d'yan?"

Inabot pa ng ilang segundo bago ako nakapagsalita.

"Avie... Si Eustace," I said. And that rendered her stunned because she went silent for seconds.

"Si Eustace? Did something happen to him?"

"It was my fault..." I said in brittle voice and gasping dahil sa paghikbi.

"Lienna, teka... ano'ng nangyari? Calm down."

"I have been trying to calm down. Ang hirap, Avie."

"Can you tell me what happened? Ba't parang may nangyaring masama? Ayos ka lang ba?"

"Eustace got arrested by the police department here in Michigan."

"Ano? Hala, bakit daw? Do you know for what reason?"

I proceeded telling her what happened. But not the entirety of it. Mas mapapahaba pa ang pagku-kuwento ko at mas lalo akong nilalamon ng hiya.

"I was with him inside the car," I said. "He was charged with overspeeding and some serious violation."

"Is he in jail at this point?"

"Avie... kung ayos lang. Maghihiram sana ako ng pangpiyansa.

May kaluslos akong narinig sa kabilang linya. And then I heard Heiro's faint voice nagtatanong.

"Si Lienna, kausap ko ngayon," Avie responded, malayo nang bahagya ang boses sa speakers.

"I could wire some money to your account, Lienna. Magkano ba?" malapit na ulit sa speakers are boses ni Avie.

"Um... around f-fifty thousand," nahihiya kong sabi.

"I will give half of the amount," a faint manly voice said from the background.

"Magbibigay din daw si Heiro."

Pumikit ako at agad na nagpasalamat.

"Babayaran ko kayo."

"Walang problema."

"I have to go back to the police station."

"Sure. Thank you for helping my friend, Lienna."

"Maraming salamat din sa tulong, Avie." Tumayo na ako mula sa pagkakasalampak sa kama at huminga nang malalim. "By the way, how are you and Heiro?"

"We're doing good. Thanks for asking. Andito ako ngayon sa bahay niya, we'll leave the city for a vacation."

"Oh, that's great. Have fun and enjoy the vacation."

"Thank you! Hoping Eustace will be out of jail in no time. Tatawagan ko siya."

"Okay, Avie."

"Ay teka... bago mo putulin ang tawag, may itatanong ako."

"What is it?"

"Is there something going on with you and Eustace?" aniya, malamyos ang boses na parang may gustong ipahiwatig. "I know this isn't the best time to ask but-"

Flashbacks of that moment when Eustace was drunk and had somehow confessed to me surged in my mind. My mouth went dry and I couldn't mutter any word.

I cleared my throat.

Then I also remembered how I didn't acknowledge what he confessed that night and the next morning, he even apologized for it.

"Wala naman. There's nothing going on between us. Sadyang kasalanan ko lang kung bakit siya naipit sa ganitong sitwasyon."

"Paano, Lienna?"

"I will tell you soon. I miss you, insan. Ngayon lang yata akong naboro dahil mag-isa lang."

"I miss you too. Nagtanong si Mom kung kumusta ka noong nakaraang araw. I said, you might be doing good."

"I am doing well perhaps because I was quite..."

"Hmm..."

"Sorry if you feel like, nagpapakita lang ako kapag may kailangan."

I could hear a hint of alarm in Avie's voice, "H-hindi, Lienna. It's not that."

"Alam ko, Avie. I know that you understand. I am truly grateful," nanunubig ang mata kong sabi.

"Take care of yourself, Lienna. Know that you can always count on me."

"Thank you, Avie. Bye."

I pressed the end button and rushed to the bathroom to wash my face. Hoping it'll wash away my eyes' puffiness.

Matapos ang limang minuto, nagnotify na sa akin ang banko na natanggap ko na ang perang galing kay Avie. Bank transfers could now happen in one go. I whispered a thank you to her once again. I am lucky to have an helpful, empathetic, and kind cousin despite having a complicated family.

Agad akong nagtungo sa police department at napagmasdan ulit ang Dad ni Eustace sa may parking lot. Pero ngayon ay may kasama na ito. Perhaps it was his wife dahil panay ang hawak nito sa balikat ng babae at susubukang magpaliwanag.

Sa natatandaan ko, Eustace had a different Mom, bago pa maikasal ang Dad niya sa iba. He told me that story, while he was intoxicated, probably he even forgotten that he did the moment he got sober.

They were standing beside a car arguing over something. Nanatili muna ako sa isang puwesto sa gilid kung saan hindi niya ako mapapansin.

"We couldn't just do that for your illegitimate bastard son! How could he just involve himself in chaos and expect that we would be fixing things for his asshole actions and bullshit attitude! I told you he was just here for your money! He even has the guts to take advantage of your connections. You are way better than tolerating him!"

"He is still my son."

"How could you prove that? His mother is already dead."

And then for a few minutes, the two went silent. I felt like the words affected me too thinking that I personally knew Eustace and he wasn't any of what the woman accused him to be.

Buong akala ko ay papasok na sila sa loob ng building pero pumasok sila sa loob ng sasakyan. At humarurot iyon papaalis.

Iniwan si Eustace ng Dad niya. Sa ikalawang beses.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na hindi ipakita ang lungkot sa mga mata nang lumapit sa isang police officer at nagtanong tungkol sa status ng violation ni Eustace.

The talk took hours. Eustace could pay a bail. Matapos ang halos kalahating oras na pag-uusap, may tumawag sa station at nagpakilalang attorney na kakatawan kay Eustace.

An agreement was made and documents were settled.

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang matapos ang mahabang proseso ay tumayo na ang dalawang officers. Pagkabalik ay nakasunod na si Eustace na may nakakalokong ngiti.

"Lienna..." Iyon ang una niyang bungad nang magkasalubong ang mga mata namin. Halatang hindi niya inasahang makikita ako rito na naghihintay.

He then smiled. A sheepish one.

"Alam kong gusto n'yang bumawi sa akin. Siguro natauhan na ang Tatay ko," aniya at naupo na upuan sa harapan ko. Matapos mapirmahan ang mga dokumento ay magkasabay na kaming naglakad palabas ng police department.

And I don't want him to hold on to high hopes. Lalo na sa Tatay niyang hindi man lang siya magawang ipaglaban. Kagaya ko na parang pinapasa lang sa era kung magkakaayos pa ba kami ni Dad.

"I paid for the bail," I said. "Actually, nangutang pala ako. With Avie and Heiro's help."

Humarap si Eustace sa akin. Dahan-dahan... tapos ay kumunot ang noo.

"Ay teka, hindi ako nang-gi-guilt trip," pabahol ko pang sabi. Natawa sa sarili. "Kargo ko na 'yon. Ako naman may kasalanan kung bakit naipit ka sa ganitong situation."

"Siguro nag-utos ang Dad mo ng lawyer para tumawag sa station."

Tumitig siya sa akin. Tumingala tapos ay nagbuga ng hangin. When he gazed at me again, he was smiling. But I could see a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

"Laking tulong na andito ka, Lienna."

"Ako dapat ang nagsasabi n'yan, Eustace," saad ko at tinapik ang balikat niya. "Kulang ka pa siguro sa tulog. Halatang pagod ka. Uwi na tayo sa apartment?"

"Gutom din ako," aniya at humawak sa tiyan.

"Warning: Hindi ako magaling magluto."

"Willing naman ako kung ikaw na lang."

"Ha?" Nalukot ang mukha ko. "Gago 'to."

Siya naman ang tumapik sa balikat ko.

"Tara na nga," saad ko.

Tawang-tawa siyang tumango.