"RHYL," saad ko at muling kumawala sa yakap niya. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. My mind was in a haywire. Maya't-maya ang paghinga ko nang malalim.

I stared at him in his eyes but he couldn't meet mine. Hinawakan ko siya sa balikat. Nakatayo siya sa harapan ko pero halatang ang isip niya ay naglalayag sa kung saan.

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at inalalayan na lang siya sa pinakamalapit na upuan.

Tinitigan ko si Rhyl na naupo sa upuan pero hindi nagsasalita. Perhaps he was still looking for the right words to say. Dahil alam kong kapag nalalasing, minsan nakakalimutan niya nang magsalita nang maayos at may respeto sa kung sino man.

Pero sa halip na sa kanya na mapukol ang atensyon ko---

Si Eustace. He just walked out of the door. Hindi pa siya nakakalayo... Hindi pa.

Rumehistro sa isipan ko ang paraan nang pagtitig niya sa akin kanina. May nagawa ba akong masama?

Eustace must have been going through something too.

"Wait here," saad ko kay Rhyl. Tsaka pa lang siya nag-angat ng paningin sa akin. "I'll be right back."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang nawala biglaan ang pag-aalala ko kay Rhyl ngayong nakita ko na siya at napuntahan dito.

Pero si Eustace... I couldn't shake him off my mind.

Tumalikod ako kay Rhyl at agad na binuksan ang pinto. Nang makalabas sa unit ay nagmadali akong bumaba sa hagdanan na dinaanan namin ni Eustace kanina.

His hands... oh, God. I could still feel his hands pressed gently yet protectingly around the corner of my waist.

I couldn't see him. Pero naririnig ko ang mga yabag pababa ng hagdanan.

It must have been him right?

Let it be him...

Ramdam ko ang paglandas ng pawis ko sa noo nang tuluyang makababa sa groundfloor ng apartment complex. Sinalubong ako nang maliwanag na tanawin sa labas. Maraming mga tao ang naglalakad sa bawat gilid ng daan.

Sa hindi kalayuan ay naaninag ko si Eusatace. Nakatayo sa harapan ng sasakyan niya pero nakatingala sa langit. Bakas sa itsura niya na may gumugulo sa isipan niya ngayon dahil napahilamos siya sa mukha gamit ang mga palad.

Dahan-dahan akong humakbang palapit sa kanya, hindi alintana ang mga taong nagsisidaan sa bawat gilid ko habang naglalakad.

"Tanginang pagkakataon," I heard Eustace murmured underneath his breath.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad nang isang metro na lang ang layo namin sa isa't-isa pero nanatili ako sa likuran niya.

"Eustace?"

Tumigil siya sa malalalim na paghinga. Hindi rin agad siya kumilos. I'm sure he felt my presence and he heard my voice too.

Pero matapos ang halos isang minutong pagkakatigilan basta niyang binuksan ang pinto ng driver's seat at pumasok sa loob.

Humakbang na din ako palapit. "Teka lang Eustace-" Lumapit ako sa bintana at sinilip siya pero sinimulan niya na ang makina ng sasakyan.

"Saglit naman, Eustace. Ano bang problema mo?"

Pero hindi niya ako nilingon at patuloy lang ang pagmaneobra ng sasakyan sa loob, habang prenteng nakaupo sa driver's seat.

Ilang segundo ang lumipas ay kailangan ko nang umatras para padaanin siya paalis.

Dalawang beses na pagpigil at pagtatanong. Pero wala akong nagawa.

Nakayuko ako nang muling umakyat sa apartment complex. Walang imik nang makasalubong ang ilan pang tenants ng apartment nang tinitigan nila ako ng mabuti habang paakyat sa hagdanan. May isa pang kunot noo at nakakiling ang mukha nang tumingin sa akin, halos ayaw kumurap.

Huli na nang magbalak itong magsalita dahil binilisan ko na ang mga hakbang ko.

I saw Rhyl in the same spot when I left him earlier but this time he managed to stand up when he saw me. Then he held our gazes as he gave me a small smile.

Lumapit ako sa kanya. Pinaglandas niya ang mga palad sa mukha bago tumayo at hinarap ako nang maayos. Kanina mapupungay ang mga mata niya at halos walang buhay habang nakatingin sa kung saan, ngayon ay unti-unti na iyong nagliwanag.

"Have you eaten breakfast already?" I asked.

"I'm glad you came here."

"Why wouldn't I, Rhyl? I know you're going through a rough patch."

"But we were over long ago. Yet you're here, Lienna."

"Because you asked me to."

Mabagal ang kilos niya pero ngayon ay kita ko kung paano bumabawi ang katawan niya matapos matuod kanina habang yakap-yakap ako.

"Maybe because you still care for me?"

Pinakatitigan ko siya nang maupo siyang muli sa couch sa maliit na living room ng kanyang studio apartment. Then he gazed at me. For a second. Another seconds. Until a minute passed then he finally said something.

"I still love you, Lienna."

Natigilan ako sa biglaan niyang pagbulalas.

"Fuck these bullshit feelings," pagpapatuloy niya.

"Rhyl..." Hindi ko mahagilap ang tamang mga salita na sasabihin. Ang alam ko lang hindi ko kayang makita siyang ganito habang walang ginagawa. May pinagsamahan kami. Para saan pa ang pagtatanong kung wala rin naman akong maisagot.

Hinayaan ko ang ilang minuto na lumipas na walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. Huminga ako nang malalim at sinimulang iligpit ang iilang bagay na nagkalat sa sahig ng studio apartment niya.

"I'm glad you didn't do anything worse-I mean," I paused and inhaled a breath. "This is hard, Rhyl."

He nodded. "I am tryna keep up with my responsibilities but shits are taking its toll this time. There are days when I couldn't move, Lienna. Nights when I couldn't sleep. I have it bad at work. And around people that I once had a good connection with before. I am drowning in debt, desperation, and bullshits. I just want to end everything."

"Don't say that, Rhyl-"

"I have to meet with some people. Accepting deliveries from clients. Things are overwhelming! I can't. Anymore. I want myself dead."

"Rhyl!" tawag ko sa kanya. "Your family... they care for you."

"I haven't seen them for years. I am too ashamed to. Like how you had felt before when you failed your own family."

Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko nang natigilan. Napaatras ako ng isang beses at saglit na natulala.

Right. I did feel the same back then. Leaving home because I felt like I wasn't having the best life that I deserve. I felt like I was caged by my parents-I wanted to break free.

So I escaped. At first, it was fun, liberating, wild. Until I spiraled to shit and I made terrible decisions. I hid from them out of shame, regrets, and pride. But unlike Rhyl. I had to swallow my own pride and face all my bullshit decisions because I was left with no other choice-when I came back to my family it was broken beyond repair, and I had to deal with the loss while clinging to it as if I could still make it whole. But it was a lie.

My mother was dead. My Dad was nowhere could be seen. And here I am lost but still trying to make sense of things.

I'd like to hold on and see these things through.

Something might await me in the future if I endured and held on enough. Sana nga.

Pinahiran ko ang luhang tumulo sa pisngi.

"I guess you haven't eaten breakfast yet?" tanong ko kay Rhyl at nagtungo sa kitchen niya. Wala akong masabi tungkol sa nagpag-usapan. Ito lang ang alam kong pwede kong gawin para hindi na ulit 'yon maungkat.

May mga hugasin sa lababo kaya iyon muna ang nilapitan ko. I cleaned the sink and the kitchen island. When I finished doing it, Rhyl was already standing behind me. We were only inches apart. I could feel his presence-his breathing near the crook of my neck.

I took a step forward and was about to face him when he encircled his hands around my waist and held me close. Napasinghap ako at nanlaki ang mga mata.

I gripped his arm. But he locked it and I was captured between his arms as he pulled me closer to his body transcended the certainty of his sudden actions. Shock and objection took over my system and my hands started to shake.

"Would you be willing to..." His voice trailed off. Like a fragile glass slowly breaking, his voice started to brittle and get weak. "Try again with me?"

Umatras ako, binaklas ang braso niyang nakapalibot sa bewang ko at yumuko. "Rhyl."

"Don't you love me anymore?" tanong niya.

Hindi ako nakakilos.

"Lienna, we have been through a lot. We have seen each other in the worst situations. I understood what you want in life. I know. I know, honey." Sinubukan niya ulit na lumapit sa akin.

Nag-init ang gilid ng mga mata ko. I heaved a deep breath but I stared at Rhyl, with intention. This time I am desperate to make sense of why I still feel things for him but it is not love... could it be?

"Or are you just here to make amends? And end it all?"

I don't know, Rhyl.

Tiningnan ko siya sa mga mata. "Look, you need someone right now."

"I need you" diretso niyang sabi.

"Rhyl."

"Don't you want me back?"

Natuod ako sa kinatatayuan.

"You were the one who left, Liena. But fucking shit why do I always do the begging?"

"We were young back then, Rhyl."

"But what we felt is love."

"It was... love," I affirmed but soon retorted. "Rhyl, things have changed."

"But that doesn't change the fact that I know what you want in life."

I gazed at him and he stared back at me, only to challenge my words and retort back. "No-"

"You want nothing in life, Lienna. Dreams? Who cares about dreams? You just want to live. Be wild. Will yourself to enjoy amid all the chaos. You went away but I will gladly take you back."

My eyes narrowed while still staring at him. I couldn't mumble a thing. Lumunok ako para mawala ang bara sa lalamunan pero tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ko. "That's the problem, Rhyl. I once believed I want nothing in life. But I had no purpose. It was heavy. A burden that isn't worth carrying. How can I live? I can't if I'd remain that way."

"Lienna..."

"Let's not talk about this."

"You moved on. Right. You did."

Naikuyom ko ang kamao. Did I?

I felt awful, confused, helpless. Hindi ko alam bakit andito pa ako. Why am I even crying in front of him? Hindi ko alam. Nasasaktan ako para sa kanya. Para sa akin.

Andito ako kasi may pakialam ako. Umiiyak. Gulong-gulo. Noong nakaraang araw parang gusto ko siyang yakapin. Na kaming dalawa lang. Wala na akong iisiping iba. Maybe he was even the reason why I decide come back here... Sigurado ako na gusto ko ulit siyang makita.

Rhyl wants me back. It seems like in the depths of my rational thoughts and my heart, I still feel something for him.

But do I want to be with him once again?

Naguguluhan ako ngayon. Hindi ako makapagdesisyon nang maayos. Naghalo-halo ang nararamdaman ko na gusto ko na lang sigawan ang sarili.

He was all over me years ago. I was so into him I think I carved my identity towards who he is. I have no purpose. Not even a fraction of the idea of how I should make sense of my life. Because I had only thought of him, considered him my world.

Napaatras ako ng isang beses as a memory flashed on my mind.

It was me crying in front of him, clasping his hands. I was sobbing and explaining something that I had been worrying about for days. It was because he couldn't be with me for hours yet I had already cried like there was no tomorrow for my existence.

I guess... this time I'm too scared of loving someone the same as I had loved him. Because it stripped me of my will to live my own life. Even turn my back on my family, dreams, and reality.

"If we'll just going to talk about this, I should better leave," I said as my voice cracked.

"Go. Lienna," he said coldly. "It only pains me to see you-be with you at such a close distance but I couldn't even reach for you anymore."

Rhyl ran his finger through his hair as he tried to dismiss his frustration.

Tumingala siya tapos pumikit. "Then this might be our delayed goodbye."

"Rhyl-"

"Can I ask a favor for one last time?"

"I have a parcel to get tomorrow. I couldn't meet up with people in my state right now."

Pinakinggan ko ang sinsabi niya. Napabuga siya nang hangin at lumapit sa akin. Pero hindi na ako nagpatinag sa takot at pangamba. I remained standing in my spot, eager to know what he's asking me to do for the last time.

"Can you a close deal for me? You just have to be my representative. Then you can leave the parcel in the mailbox outside."

"Are you sure?"

"I will text you the address."

"Rhyl, I didn't mean to sound like I don't care but-"

"Lienna, this will be the last time. I won't bother you for good. I won't insist on trying to get back together."

"I hope I am not making this hard for you, Rhyl."

"I'd lie if I will say you aren't."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's no one's fault."

Tumango-tango ako. Mabigat pa rin ang dibdib at humahapdi ang gilid ng mga mata dahil sa pagpahid ng mga luha.

Tumunog ang cell phone ko. Agad kong tiningnan ang screen. May tumatawag.

I was about to answer the call when it immediately turned off.

Ilang segundo ay nakatanggap ako ng message.

Unknown number:

Nasa apartment ka pa rin ba na pinuntahan natin kanina? Nasa baba ako.

Eustace.

Huminga ako nang malalim at binalingan ulit si Rhyl. Tumalikod na siya at nagpunta sa kitchen.

"Goodbye, Lienna."

I cleared my throat. "About the favor that you asked..."

"I'll send you the address."

"If it's the last thing that I could do for you, I will."

"I appreciate it," huli niyang sabi.

Humakbang na ako palabas ng studio apartment niya at nagmadaling bumaba.

Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa pagmamadali kaya ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko o dahil alam kong nasa baba si Eustace at naghihintay.

I didn't know he will be back... or did he wait for me?

Nakasalubong ko siya sa mismong entrance ng apartment complex na nakapamulsa.

"Hi," I greeted him.

He responded with a nod. "Uuwi ka na?"

Hindi ko alam pero parang may humaplos sa dibdib ko nang tanungin niya iyon. Hindi ko napigilan ang ngumiti. "Sinusundo mo ba ako?"

"Hinatid kita rito at nagpresentang samahan ka. Hindi ko ugaling mag-iwan."

How about what happened earlier?

Nagkibit ako ng balikat.

Magkasabay kaming naglakad patungo sa dala niyang sasakyan. I still don't know if it was his. But who cares at this point?

"You were hurrying earlier... like it's a matter of serious emergency. "

"It was."

"Wanna share some things?"

Hindi siya sumagot. "Okay then."

Lumingon ako sa paligid at kumunot ang noo nang parang may maaninag na pamilyar na mukha sa hindi kalayuan.

I guess I just saw... Danica. Naglalakad. Palapit nang palapit.

"Pero tanginang sitwasyon talaga," rinig kong bulong ni Eustace kaya agad akong napabaling sa kanya.

"Eustace, ayos ka lang?" Kumunot ang noo ko matapos magtanong. Binalingan ko siya. Nakalapit na kami sa sasakyan at natuon na sa kanya ang buong atensyon ko.

"Nakakagago rin ang paikutin at pagsamantalahan. Gusto mo lang naman tumulong."

Hinawakan ko siya sa balikat. Nang ayaw niyang salubungin ang paningin ko, parang nadudurog ako habang nakatitig sa kanya.

"What happened?"

Hindi siya nakasagot. Sinubukan niyang buksan ang bibig pero umiling-iling din agad.

Humakbang ako palapit sa kanya at hindi na nag-isip pa. I encircled my arms around his waist and hugged him.

Napasinghap ako dahil sa sunod niyang ginawa.

My legs shook when I felt his hands slowly roam around the small of my back and pulled me further towards him to hug me back.