NANG HINDI SUMAGOT SI GENE AY NAGKUSA NA SIYA. She sat up on the bed and placed her hands to the hem of his shirt. Walang ibang salitang itinaas niya iyon at hinubad; si Gene ay tahimik lang at nagpatianod.

            She felt so lonely she badly needed this. She badly needed him; skin to skin.

            Kung paano na lang niyang in-itsa ang damit nito sa sahig matapos hubarin, sunod na bumaba ang kaniyang kamay sa ugpungan ng pantalon nito. Her hands were shaking, but it wasn't because she was nervous. No, far from it. It was because she was in a hurry. Nag-aalala siyang kapag hindi siya nagmadali ay baka magbago ang isip niya, o pigilan siya ni Gene na halatang nagpapaubaya lang para pagbigyan siya.

She began to unbuckle his belt. At habang tinatanggal niya ang belt nito ay saka siya tumuwid upang halikan ito sa mga labi. She felt no resistance, so she deepened the kiss and delved her tongue in.

Gene closed his eyes and placed his hand behind her head. He softly caressed her nape before running his fingers into her hair. He responded to her kisses hastily; at banayad siya nitong kinabig upang muling ihiga sa kama.

Later on, she felt his weight on her; then he rolled over, carrying her with him until their positions changed.

Si Gene na ngayon ang nakahiga sa kama at siya ang nasa ibabaw. Napaungol siya nang unti-unting pakawalan ni Gene ang kaniyang buhok, at ang mga kamay nito'y bumaba sa kaniyang katawan hanggang sa yakapin siya nito nang mahigpit na halos ikapugto ng paghinga niya.

She moaned and let go of his lips; hindi na siya makahinga. At nang maghiwalay ang mga labi nila ay akma sana niyang itutuwid ang sarili kung hindi lang nito lalong hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa kaniya.

Then, Gene buried his face between her neck and shoulders.

Natigilan siya.

At nang maramdaman ni Gene ang sandali niyang pagtigil ay bahagya nitong niluwagan ang pagkakayakap sa kaniya at nagwari ng,

"I want you, love. But I don't want to make love to you if your mind is filled with worries and fears."

Doon niya nagawang itaas ang mukha at titigan nang diretso sa mga mata si Gene. "But I am not--"

"Your thoughts are wandering somewhere else." Banayad na hinagod ni Gene ang kaniyang likod. "I know something's bothering you, and I want to help you get through it, but if you aren't ready yet, I won't force it out on you." Muli nitong dinala ang isang kamay sa likod ng kaniyang ulo at masuyo iyong kinabig. She laid her head on his shoulder, and his hand softly caressed her hair while the other remained on her back.

"Let's stay like this for now," he whispered, planting a soft kiss on her temple. "Let's just hug each other and relax. Sleep in my arms if you can, I promise I won't move."

Nang mahimigan ang banayad na tinig ni Gene ay muling bumukal ang luha sa kaniyang mga mata. Hindi na niya napigilan pang yakapin din ito.

There was no place like Gene's arms.

Kung siya ang masusunod ay mananatili siya sa piling nito-- sa bisig nito. Habangbuhay.

Pero...

Karapatdapat ba siya?

Matapos ang nalaman niya?

*

*

*

            TRINI DID HER BEST TO BE HERSELF DURING DINNER. Sa maraming pagkakataon ay kinakausap siya ng mga kasama sa hapag, but she would simply answer them with a smile or a nod. Nagtataka man ay hindi na nagbigay pa ng komento ang mga ito.

            Matapos ang hapunan ay sandaling nakipag-usap si Trini kay Felicia nang ipatawag ito ng huli sa silid nito. They spoke about how her business was doing and if she and Gene had started to plan about the wedding.

Trini had prepared for this question, and she even rehearsed what she would say. Sasabihin niyang gagawin ang lahat ng makakaya para bumigay si Gene.

Pero...

Matapos ang nalaman noong umagang iyon ay hindi napigilan ng dalagaa na isagot kay Felicia ang...

            "Let's leave it to fate, Tita."

            Nang maramdaman ni Felicia na wala siyang ganang makipag-usap tungkol sa pagpapakasal ay hindi na ito nagpumilit pa. Matapos nilang mag-usap ay umakyat na siya sa silid at naunang natulog, habang si Gene naman ay sandaling nanatili kasama ang mga kapatid sa ibaba.

            It was past midnight when he went to bed, and he hugged her so tightly Trini cried herself to sleep. Umasa ang dalagang hindi naramdaman ni Gene ang tahimik na pag-iyak.

            The next morning, isa-isa nang nagsiuwian ang magkakapatid. Huli nang umalis sina Trini at Gene, at hapon nang nakarating sa Ramirez. Si Trini ay nagpahatid sa facility, habang si Gene naman ay dumiretsong umuwi upang buksan ang workshop.

They had a normal day, pero kahit anong pilit ni Trini ay hindi nito maalis sa isip ang mga napag-usapan nilang dalawa ni Doktora Hernandez. Kahit sa panaginip ay dala-dala nito ang pag-aalala, ang lungkot. Pero magkaganoon man, kahit papaano ay nagawang gumaan ng pakiramdam ng dalaga nang makasama ang mga pets na inaalagaan nila sa facility.

Pagdating ng alas seis ng gabi ay sinundo ni Gene si Trini; they went out for dinner. Pinilit ng dalaga na h'wag ipahalata kay Gene ang hindi pa rin nagbabagong mood, but she could never hide anything from him really. Gene could read her. Pero nanatiling tahimik si Gene; gusto nitong bigyan ng espasyo si Trini hanggang sa handa na itong magkwento.

The next day, Trini remained the same. And Gene continued to be patient.

*

*

*

            WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?

            RAMEN?

             PASTA?

             CHICKEN?

            OR ME, MAYBE?

            Pakiramdam ni Trini ay lalo siyang napagod nang mabasa ang mga ipinadalang text messages ni Gene.

            Those messages used to tickle her heart, but they didn't anymore.

            They now triggered her anxiety. They now made her so annoyed.

            Nagpakawala siya nang malalim na buntong-hininga bago tumipa ng reply dito.

It's been a week since Gene's birthday, and nothing had changed about her. She remained... miserable.

             Not hungry.

            For a few seconds, she just stared at her response before she decided to delete it. She decided that it was best to ignore and not reply to his messages at all. Tahimik niyang inisuksok ang cellphone sa loob ng drawer na nasa ilalim ng counter bago tumayo. She left the counter and walked towards the playroom. Doon niya nakita ang mga pets na naglalaro ng bola at naghahabulan. Some of the cats were climbing to the customised tree house, while the other dogs were sleeping at the corner. Ini-sara niya ang pinto sa kaniyang likuran at nakangiting pinagmasdan ang mga pets na nasa harapan.

            Ang isa sa mga staff niya ay naroon at nakikipaglaro sa dalawang poodle, habang ang isa naman ay nasa likuran ay naglilinis ng mga cages. Walang bantay sa counter, kaya walang nakarinig ng tunog ng cellphone niyang nagri-ring.

*

*

*

            SI GENE SA KABILANG LINYA AY PUNO NG PAGTATAKA. He had just finished working on the sports car and the first thing he did was text Trini like usual. He wanted to find out if she preferred a home-cooked meal or just dining at a restaurant. He had learned a couple of new recipes and he wanted to try one tonight, but Trini wasn't responding to his text messages or answering her phone.

            Ibinaba ni Gene ang cellphone at tinitigan ang screen.

            He was confused. And worried.

            Simula noong nakaraang linggo—noong nasa Asteria sila upara ipagdiwang ang kaarawan niya—ay tila biglang nagbago si Trini. He noticed that she was doing her best to be herself, but she couldn't hide the changes in her mood.

            Pero ayaw niyang kulitin itong magsabi sa kaniya. He knew that when Trini was ready to talk, she would tell him.

            Pero nitong nakalipas na isang linggo ay wala itong sinasabi. Most of the times she was quiet. May mga pagkakataong bumabalik ito sa dating ito, pero mas madalas ang pagiging tahimik nito at may malalim na iniisip. Kagabi ay hindi na siya nakatiis pa; tinanong niya ito kung ano ang nangyari noong araw na iyon, but Trini got irritated and walked out of the room. Doon ito natulog sa couch. Nang makatulog ito ay lumipat siya roon at tumabi. The next morning, nagising siya at natagpuan itong nakayakap nang mahigpit sa kaniya. She was awake, and she apologised for how she acted the night before. Nagkabati sila at sabay na nag-almusal. Hinatid niya ito sa facility at maayos silang naghiwalay.

            And then now, here she was again.

            Hindi na nito sinasagot ang tawag at mga mensahe niya.

            He made another try; baka busy lang ito kanina.

But there was no answer still.

He tried again. And then again, and again.

            Until he gave up and pushed his phone into his back pocket. Inisara niya ang roll up door ng workshop at lumipat sa bahay ni Trini kung saan na naroon ang mga damit niya. Umakyat siya sa silid nila at naligo. Mabilisan siyang nagbihis, at sa loob lamang ng labinlimang minuto ay lulan na siya ng motorsiklo niya.

            Sampung minuto ang nagdaan at nasa harap na siya ng facility. Dire-diretso siyang pumasok at inabutan ang isa sa mga staff na nasa loob ng store at nag-aayos ng mga panindang pet toys na nakasabit sa pader. He greeted her and asked for Trini. He was told that she was in the playroom. Doon siya dumiretso.

            Pagpasok ay inabutan niya si Trini na nakahiga sa carpet katabi ang dalawang pusa na nakapwesto sa bandang uluhan nito at isang aso na kayakap naman nito. The pets were sleeping, and Trini was just lying there, caressing the dog's furr. Nang makita siya nito'y nagulat ito, at nang makabawi ay nagpakawala ng alanganing ngiti.

             "Hey," she said.

            Nagpakawala siya nang malalim na paghinga. "Where's your phone?"

             Trini blinked, and in a quiet tone, she said, "In the drawer. Why?"

            "I have been texting and calling you."

            "Oh." Maingat itong bumangon. Pero naramdaman ng asong katabi ni Trini ang pagkilos nito kaya nagising at napabangon din. Trini ruffled the dog's head, so it laid down again and slept. Si Trini ay tuluyan nang tumayo, pinagpagan ang damit bago humakbang palapit. She awkwardly smiled at him before lifting her body to kiss him on the cheek. Makalipas ang ilang sandali ay, "How was your day?"

            Hindi niya pinansin ang tanong nito. He frowned at her. "Are you okay?"

            "Ugh." She rolled her eyes and walked past him. "Sa loob ng ilang araw ay lagi mo na lang itinatanong 'yan. Hindi ba ako pwedeng mag-break down?"

            "Break down?" Sinundan niya ito at hinuli sa braso. Trini stopped and faced him. "What are you talking about breaking down, Trinity Anne?"

            "Mental breakdown, ano pa?! Hindi ba pwedeng suportahan mo na lang ako at intindihin nang hindi nangungulit araw-araw sa pagtatanong kung okay lang ako? Hindi nga ako okay, hindi ba? Bakit araw-araw na lang ay itatanong mo samantalang alam mo na ngang hindi!"

"Kaya ako nagtatanong para malaman kung papaano ako makatutulong--"

Marahas na binawi ni Trini ang kamay mula sa kaniya. "But there is nothing you can do to help me, Gene! You're just making me feel worse with your repeated question!" 

Ang staff na naglilinis sa mga purchaseable items ay napalingon at nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin sa kanila.

Humugot siya nang malalim na paghinga upang habaan pa ang pasensya. He knew that there was something that bothered Trini, causing her to have these massive mood swings. Kung ano man 'yon ay malalaman niya ngayon.

"I will continue to ask you that same question over and over until I learned the truth, Trinity Anne."

            Itinaas ni Trini ang isang kamay at sinapo sa noo. Nasa mukha nito ang paghihirap.

They were both silent for a while, before Trini spoke again and said something that stunned him.

"I was told that my mom died because she chose to give birth to me."

            Trini's voice broke, but she was still able to carry on,

            "As you know... my mother died due to cancer. Ovarian cancer, to be exact. Even before I was conceived, nalaman na ni Mommy na may tumor at pinayuhan siya ni Doktora Hernandez—the one I met that day—na hindi siya pwedeng magbuntis. Mom insisted because she wanted to give my father a child. I was conceived and born into this world after months and months of trying. And since I was born, my mother began to struggle with her health. It took twenty-two years for her to give up on life. She suffered for twenty-two years, Gene. Na hindi sana nangyari kung hindi ako ipinanganak." Muling nabasag ang tinig ni Trini sa huling salitang mga binitiwan ito, at doon ay hindi na niya napigilan ang sariling hapitin itong muli at yakapin nang mahigpit.

            Nang pumailalim ito sa bisig niya ay saka pinakawalan ni Trini ang pag-iyak. She silently cried and hugged him back.

             "I was guilty, Gene. Noon ko lang nalaman iyon. Kung alam ko lang na masamang balita lang ang dala niya ay hindi na sana ako dumalaw pa sa kaniya."

            "Hush. Don't blame yourself. You came into this world because your mother chose to give life to you, at hindi para magdusa tulad ng iniisip mo. She made the choice. Kung hindi siya nagsisi sa naging desisyon niya, why would you feel bad?"

            Trini froze after hearing what Gene had said. Dahan-dahan itong humiwalay at tumingala sa kaniya nang may pagkamanghang nakapaskil sa mukha. "This is why I didn't want to share my thoughts with you, Gene. I expected you to sympathise, not invalidate my feelings. Hindi mo naiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko—"

            "Oh, I do understand, Trin. Pero ang ipinu-punto ko ay—"

            Kumawala si Trini mula sa pagkakahapit niya. "Ang ipinupunto mo ay h'wag na akong malungkot dahil ang nanay ko ang pumili ng tadhana niya. "

"That's not what I meant, Trin. Don't twist my words—"

"I know how to read between the lines, Gene."

"And you're reading it incorrectly." Isang mahabang paghinga ang pinakawalan ni Gene. "Look, Trin... Walang mangyayari kung pagtatalunan natin ang ganito ka-simpleng bagay. I'm sorry if I offended you with my comment, but I wasn't trying to invalidate your feelings."

Trini just lowered her head and said nothing.

Masuyo niyang inabot ang kamay nito at banayad na pinisil. "Let's not argue. Let's talk about how you exactly feel and how it affects our relationship . I want us to fix things before they get too messy."

           "Gene—"

           "Please, love."

           Itinaas ni Trini ang mukha; ang anyo ay seryoso. "Alam mo bang 'yong sugat ay mabilis gumaling if you let it heal by itself?"

          Umiling si Gene, "Pero kung ang sugat ay malalim at kumalat na ang impeksyon, kadalasan ay lumalala at kapag hindi naagapan ay maaaring ikamatay. And I don't want this relationship to die, Trinity."

           May sakit na dumaan sa mga mata ni Trini sa huling sinabi niya. She opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it again when no words came out.

"Let's..." she paused and let out a sigh. "Let's call it a day, Gene. Ayaw kong makipag-usap." Tuluyan na nitong pinakawalan ang sarili mula sa kaniya, tumalikod, at tinungo ang counter kung saan nito kinuha ang mga gamit at humakbang patungo sa pinto.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang siya at sumunod.