I'm so disappointing

Like

Someone vents to me and I try to help but I'm not helpful and ??

I try to be happy but I have a Reasons to Live list on my phone just so I don't hurt myself and oh my God I'm just so pathetic

I can get an 80% on the SAT as a 7th-grader but I can't remember little things??

I can't remember to shower or to feed the dog or give the dog some pumpkin/beans or turn a light off when I leave a room or stick to a schedule or actually be productive and function and I'm trying my best but my family doesn't understand and is so rude to me and they don't get that  I just want to draw and write and read and sleep and talk to my friends all day and I just get so stressed over the stupidest things like I have two friends who keep telling me that they want to come over and whenever one of them mentions it I just feel so bad because my family is always busy and I'm too shy to ask my mom because she'll get angry if I bug her about it and Dad's always working and just I know I'm letting the two friends down and I don't want to and I just hate myself every time they mention it bc I can't even ask my own damn mother if a friend could stay over and get a straight answer because she always says "maybe" and then does nothing about it bc she's working and she's an adult and has responsibilities and I feel bad hating her for not answering me and god dammit I just

And I'm so scared of everything all the time like I'm scared of my own dad because he makes me talk to him about stuff that I don't talk to him about foR A GODDAMN REASON and he never makes me feel better and can only make me feel worse and he doesn't seem to understand that so he always tries to get me to talk to him and I don't like it so he thinks I don't like him but he's just so pushy and never actually helps and I don't know why but I just don't like him and he doesn't help with my trust issues since he probably goes through my stuff all the time?? And he thinks that if something is on my desk he can read it or look at it and won't hesitate to do so even if I'm in the room and he's probably looked through my sketchpad even though he said he wouldn't and I don't like living in fear of my dad looking through my phone and finding oNE thing that's bad and then I'll get grounded and goddammit I just don't like living in fear anyway??

I'm always so scared of everything and it makes me angry and honestly I could go on forever but I won't bc you guys don't give two shits about me

Like who would??