"Kung ilang beses dumaan yung airplane sa langit, ganon din kadami yung chance na maging kayo"

A friend told me that. And I think it's stupid, counting airplanes? It's really stupid.

Sinong matinong tao ang magbibilang ng eroplanong dumadaan sa langit, hoping na magkatuluyan sila ng taong gusto nya?

The idea is just messed up and again, it's stupid.

But then one day I found myself counting.

Naisip ko na wala namang mawawala kung magbibilang ako di ba? But then I was wrong. I lost myself trying to count each passing airplane and hoping that maybe someday, one day we could be.

We're just nothing but friends with a hint of being a stranger to each other, who would have thought that I would fall for a guy a like him?

Who wouldn't?

He's one ideal guy.

Every time na may dumadaan na airplane sa langit, I would look up. When I'm alone and then I saw one, I would raise my hand trying to reach it.  But then I realize, kahit anong klaseng pag abot ang gawin ko, I still won't be able to reach it, I won't be able to reach him.

He's the total opposite of me. He's positive and I'm negative.  He's too good for me and I'm too bad for him. He doesn't deserve a girl like me and I don't deserve to have a guy like him. He deserves the best and unfortunately, I can't be the best for him, I just can't. We contradict each other.

Who says 'opposite attract'?

Sinong nakaimbento ng phrase na yan? At nang mapatay ko.

Just joking, but jokes are half meant and I'm sure patay na yung nagpauso ng salitang yan, so no worries.

Every time I caught myself counting airplanes, I would mentally curse and slap myself.

"Stop counting, stop hoping"

But I can't stop, even when I lost count, I would still return to the start—back at number one. Ang tanga ko lang di ba? It's like counting airplanes is part of my every day.

My friends told me...

"Skye move on"

"Skye wala kang pag-asa"

"Skye tigil na"

But I'm so stubborn, they're just trying help and save me but I don't want to be saved. I can't be saved! From the moment I first met him, I'm already standing right next to a cliff and each passing day, I'm slowly walking towards to my death. Now, I know, I can't be saved by anyone but I know, I can save myself, I just don't know how.

Nakailang aiplanes na ba ako?

48.

What does that mean? 48% chance na pwedeng maging kami? I can't help but laugh to this stupid counting and endless hoping to nothing.

Yes, I hate to admit, I'm hoping. Umaasa ako sa walang kwentang pagbibilang ng eroplano. I'm so hopeless and stupid, thank you very much.

Every day nakakalimang bilang yata ako sa airplane? Or maybe more?

I tried to stop, I avoid looking at the sky, maybe makakalimutan ko din yung pagbibilang, maybe makakalimutan ko ding maghanap ng sagot sa mga tanong na gusto kong masagot.

Bakit ba sya pa?

Bakit hindi ko alam kung paano tumigil?

I kept myself busy, to avoid trying to look for the answers to my endless questions. I kept on writing stories, to keep me from overthinking, to maintain my sanity but I just can't seem to write even a single word.

"Skye, lagi ka na lang tulala"

My little bubble of ideas and dramas inside my head just popped.

"nag-iisip lang ako ng magandang isulat na kwento" I said.

Lately, masyado akong naging busy sa school works at iba pang bagay na hindi naman importante. I forgot about writing, I forgot to finish my story.

"Gawan mo kasi ng story yung sa inyo ni Zion"

I smiled.

"ayoko nga"

How will I suppose to write our story when there's no once upon a time to begin with?

I don't even know na may story pala kami, all I know is, I haven't started the story yet, it just ended. Our story doesn't have a "Once upon a time" but it has "the end". Cool right?

Or maybe it does? We do have a story. We met, we belong in the same circle of friends but I feel like a stranger, I fell without him even knowing, I broke my own heart for wanting someone I can't have. End of story.

Napatingin na naman ako sa langit.

49.

When will I stop?

When will I stop counting and hoping?

I got home from school.

Same rituals, change clothes, eat, school works, FB, twitter, Instagram, Wattpad and before going to sleep, a lot of overthinking.

Each passing day, mas lalong dumadami yung nabilang kong airplanes but that doesn't mean na pwedeng maging kami, it's impossible! The mere Idea of us, he and I are just surreal.

I don't know how this happened. I don't know why I fell, we're not even close. But I do know that this is just an infatuation but I don't know why I am hurting.

I'm tired of searching for reasons. Reasons to my unsure answers, reason to smile everyday even if it's fake and a reason to move forward. It seems like him not liking me back isn't a good enough reason for me to move forward and stay away. Ganon ako ka-tanga, I should be rewarded.

I'm tired yet I don't know how to stop, I don't have enough reason to stop.

I'm stuck and I hate to admit, I need someone to save me. I'm tired of being in the same shit every single time.

"Skye, nandito na tayo! Bumaba ka na sa sasakyan!"

I forgot, I'm with my friends. I tend to forget everything around me when i'm overthinking, it's like there's a barrier surrounding me just like the barrier around him. No matter how close I am to him, it always felt like I'm miles away. So many dramas.

I was amazed of the beauty of nature, ang ganda lang tignan ng dagat parang ang saya maligo. To think na dinaanan pa 'to ng bagyo noon, mas lalo pa nga syang gumanda.

Who says a chaos is all about destruction? Well that chaos just created a beautiful creation. After the storm, the beach and the sea managed to be beautiful. I wish I can, too. Though I wouldn't wish to be beautiful, I just wish to move forward and be normal again, like nothing happened.

I turn my gaze to my friends. They're so happy taking pictures, laughing. I just wish that I can be happy too just like them.

I smiled. This is a perfect view to capture.

I decided to post it on twitter. I scan some tweets and there, I found the answer to my endless question and the reason for me to move forward.

—————————
Zion Ramirez @ramirez_zion

@jasmineferrer  Ikaw pa rin <3
—————————

As i read the tweet, my world shattered, it's like time has stopped. All I can hear is the wind blowing and waves are crashing by the shore.

Who would have thought that a single tweet can answer everything, can give me the best reason to move forward and stay away.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, trying to hide the pain.

I look up, to stop my tears from falling. I can't believe, I can still manage to smile.

Ginagago yata ako ng tadhana.

  
"One Hundred" I uttered almost without a sound as my tears roll down to my face.

100 airplanes, I've counted 100 airplanes. It doesn't mean a hundred percent chance that we could be but it is a hundred percent chance that we can't be.

From now on I'll stop counting. I'll stop hoping, now that I have the perfect reason, I need to get on with my life. I need to start a new one. I can't be stuck here forever.

I just need to accept everything but it doesn't mean that I'll be the same Skye again, that I can be normal, like nothing happened.

By the time I healed, I would build up walls, I won't let anyone come near to the danger zone, my heart and I think I won't be able to love again, 'coz it hurts like hell.

Isasara ko na yung pintong dapat matagal ko ng isinara.

~fin~

I closed my laptop and stretched my arms. Natapos ko din yung short story na akala ko hindi ko masisimulan, kasi nagsimula sya pero natapos agad.

She thought it would be easy, she thought it would be fast, she doesn't know that she's broken beyond repair.

His name will always be a reminder and she knows that she will be looking for him in every guy that she will probably meet, that's how amazing he is. She always thought that he's a fictional character pop out straight from the book—perfectly imperfect and will never be hers.

It takes time to heal, to move forward and to forget. It's not easy as 1, 2, 3 or abracadabra, just as she imagined.

Mabagal, matagal pero may progress. I know she'll get there. She doesn't need to rush things, wala namang deadline eh.

Napatingin ako sa bintana ng kwarto ko. I heard a very familiar sound and seeing it made me smile, a bitter-sweet one.

"One Hundred One"

~END~

AN*

Hi guys, any comments? hahaha

-author