—Paisley—

I'm not fully aware of anything right now, waking up from the sleep I desperately needed. I'm unsure if Harry being here is actually real or if my dreams are playing tricks on me. I want it to be real—I think? I think that's what I want. I'm not sure. He hands me a glass of water after we don't say anything more than hi to each other and silence has fallen between us. There's a comfortable aura around the room that makes me believe it's just a dream, but as I take a drink of the cold water, feeling it cool my insides, it wakes me enough to realize that this is in fact real, and I'm definitely not dreaming.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, panic setting in. Harry is here. For real. He can't see me like this. He can't see I'm in the hospital, attached to machines. He can't know that I've just attempted suicide and failed once again. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I can all of a sudden feel that all the truth in life I so badly wanted to hide, somehow escaped without my knowledge and here I am with Harry, who is looking at me like he's seeing me for the first time. I want to run away. To hide from the fact my reality is in clear view, making me feel like I'm in the spotlight, but all I can do is sit up in the spot I'm in. Stuck in this bed. "How did you know I was here? Why are you here? Oh my God, my Dad told you, didn't he?"

Now that I think about it, I don't have a clue as to how Dad knew I was here in the first place, or how I even got here. I wish I hadn't been feeling the affects from the pills I took so I could've known to ask such questions while Dad was here with me, before Harry mysteriously showed up. But I was too busy throwing up the rest of the pills, unable to think of anything other than how much my stomach hurt.

"Calm down," Harry says, putting his hand on mind. His thumb gently caresses my skin and he keeps his concerned gaze on me. He lets out a sigh, his breath coming out shaky, making me realize he is just as nervous as I am right now. "I'm the one who called your Dad, Paise," he finally says, looking away from me.

I can feel my insides stiffen. If he called Dad, he's the one who—oh my God.

"I came to see you, to apologize for everything. There were so many things that I wanted to say to you," he continues. His hand tightens around mine as tears start to well up in his eyes. "I found you in your dorm room. I've never been so scared in my life—I thought I lost you."

His words start to come out muffled in my head as he tells me what happened. It astounds me that after everything, Harry is essentially the reason I'm still here. "I didn't want to be saved, Harry. That's why I came back to school. You should have stayed at home. I don't understand why you were even there to begin with. After all, I don't mean anything to you."

 I start to become more aware of everything. The remembrance of it all coming back to me and hitting me hard, making my insides turn and I want to throw up again.

"You do though," he says, urgently. "I never should have let you leave. I never should have said those things to you, because you mean everything to me."

"I can't do this right now, Harry," I tell him. "One minute you're here and the next you're there, and I can't do this back and forth with you." I take my hand out of his, clasping my own together so that he can't try to hold my hand again. I can't deal with this right now.

"I know about Ryan," he breathes out. My eyes lock with his, and it takes me a second to understand what he has just said to me. "I saw a story on the news, and I put two and two together when their pictures showed up on my tv. Those guys—I recognized them from the day they beat the crap out of me, and when they mentioned Ryan—"

"Stop," I force out. "Don't think for one second you have a clue what I've been through. Is that why you're here? You figured out something horrible happened to me, and you all of a sudden feel bad for everything? I don't need your pity, Harry. Please leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," he pushes, as he sits up next to me. "I'm not saying I understand what you've been through, but I understand you a hell of a lot more than I did before. Everything makes sense now. All those times you were hesitant and pushed me away. Every time you lied, you were trying to keep this hidden. I get it now. I told you before that if something bad happened to you, I wouldn't judge you. I just wanted to understand you. I wanted you to be honest with me. You could have always been honest with me. It would have made things easier for us."

"Just like you were so honest with me?" I ask, raising my voice. "Come on, Harry. You were so mad at me for keeping a secret, when you had one of your own just as big. You don't think things could have been easier if I had just known that we knew each other before? That I was the girl you told me about on the beach. No, you decided to talk about me like I was just some girl in your past, like I wasn't the same girl standing in front of you, and then proceeded to act like you didn't know a thing about me before, when you knew everything already. You used the fact that you knew everything that I loved, just to get me to fall in love with you, just to hurt me."

"Not to hurt you," he says. "I changed my mind about wanting to hurt you so early on in this. I  did use the fact that I knew you so you would fall in love with me, but not because I wanted to hurt you, Paise. Please believe me. I'm telling you the truth."

The truth will set you free. Harry's Mom's words ring through my mind. Harry knows the vast majority of what has happened, and maybe talking about it will make everything feel better. Although, I know that part of me wishes I died last night, I need to understand there's a reason that I didn't—again. If there was anything therapy taught me in the past, it's that everyone has a purpose, whether it be big or small, and apparently my purpose hasn't been fulfilled, otherwise I wouldn't be here right now. Maybe telling him some things wouldn't hurt. After all, he says he didn't really want to hurt me.

"I should have believed you instead of Jenny," he continues. "And I'm so sorry that I didn't. I messed up, Paisley. I messed up so bad, and I'll do everything to make it up to you, I swear. I went about everything the wrong way. I shouldn't have lied to you, I was just so angry. You always meant everything to me. Even when you were gone, you were always in the back of my head. I—"

"Harry," I try to interrupt. 

"No, Paise," he interjects. "I should have done everything differently. I should have answered your phone calls. I should have let you explain. I always let my anger take over every time, and I end up doing or saying things that I don't mean. I should have been there, Paise. You wouldn't be here if I was."

"We can't change what's happened, Harry," I tell him. "There's no point in wishing that we could. You're not the whole reason I'm here right now. This isn't your fault, please don't think that it is."

He brushes my hair out of my face and looks me in the eyes. "I'm just happy you're alright. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I promise to never lie to you again. Or make you feel like I don't want you. Because I love you, Paisley. I love you so much. And I don't ever want to imagine my life without you again. It hurts too much."

He loves me. My heart starts to race, hearing those words come out of his mouth. I want to say it back, but I can't. I know that I feel that way, but there are so many more things that I need to admit to before I allow myself to get caught up in how we feel about each other. I can feel his love for me the way I've always been able to. I always knew he loved me, but hearing it, and feeling it at this very moment, changes everything, and I know that telling the truth is okay. That he will understand and everything will be better after I get it all out of me.

I take a deep breath and look down at my arms. My scars visible for the world to see. "I want to tell you a story," I sigh. "One that I should have told you a long time ago. There's only two other people who know it, but not the way I'm going to tell you it."

"You don't have to tell me right now," he says, taking my hand again.

"I was never as strong as I let on," I start. "And so, the day you found out about the dare and I lost everything, I crashed. I loved you then. I just realized it too late. I didn't know how to cope with losing everything I ever knew in an instant. That's why I never went back to school. That's why I tried to kill myself then. I didn't know how to deal. It seems so pathetic to me now that I remember why. Losing friends and someone I loved, shouldn't have ever been a reason to want to die. It was such a small reason to want to give up, now that I know how bad life really can be. When you threatened karma on me, and my Mom died, I blamed it on that. Seems ridiculous now, but I always felt like if you threatened karma on someone, something bad would happen to them, because it felt like nothing good would ever happen to me again after that day. And then I met Ryan."

Tears start welling up in my eyes, at the mention of his name, and Harry squeezes my hand to remind me that he's listening. That he's here, and that it's okay to keep talking.

"I blamed you for so long," I continue. "I blamed myself and that whole situation with you for everything that was happening to me. I thought I was getting what I deserved for hurting you. Karma was just teaching me a lesson. And every day, your words were in the back of my head. You were with me for so long. And I tried so hard to keep you there, to hold on to what we had, because I needed to. I needed to remind myself that there was a time in my life that I was happy, even though it ended badly. And then one day, you were just gone. My memories disappeared, and all I can remember thinking, was that I deserved it. I had no idea why. But I had forgotten you ever existed. That time with you that I was holding onto—gone." I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from my face. "I was Ryan's girl. I belonged to him in every sense of the word and there was no getting out of it. He threatened my life. My Dad's life. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what was happening. The only time I was ever allowed to go home, was after I had been good for a while, when I didn't have any visible bruises on my face. But he had to let me go home every once in a while, so that Dad would never file a missing person report on me, especially after I graduated high school. He thought of everything to make sure he would never get caught. He was fairly smart that way. But for some reason, I didn't want to die. Not at the hands of Ryan anyways. That's why I always did what he said, and continued to live the way I thought I was meant to. And so I lived with being raped. I live with the abuse. I lived with the threats, because I was so afraid to do otherwise. He traumatized me into thinking that I didn't deserve anything better than what he was giving me, taking everything good away from me. Every one of these scars, represents every time I allowed myself to be his."

Harry sniffles, taking me out of my thoughts, making me look at him. His face is wet from tears, and I know now that I've said too much. He knows the truth now, I don't need to tell him any more. "You didn't deserve any of that. I'm so sorry."

"I know," I agree. "But I want you to know that's why I didn't remember who you were. It makes sense now though—why I was drawn to you. Why I trusted you so much. I think a part of me remembered who you were. I had so much deja vu with you. I wish I would have remembered. I wish you would have told me. Why didn't you tell me?"

He wipes the tears from his face and looks away from me. "I took advantage of you not knowing, because in the beginning, I wanted to hurt you. I thought it was because I looked different. I wasn't a nerd anymore. I didn't wear my glasses and I thought you just didn't recognize me. And then when I realized I had feelings for you, it was too late. There was no good time to tell you the truth. I wanted to. I tried to tell you a few times. But it just never happened."

It feels weird how easily the truth seems to come out when you know that's all that's left to do. I feel better now that Harry knows the truth about what happened to me and the fact that he is opening up and being honest with me about wanting to hurt me in the beginning, whether I knew that fact already or not, is a sign of hope. That one day there wont be any more lies to tell. No more secrets to keep. Everything will be out on the table, where it should have always been and we can move on from all of this.

Time slowly passes as Harry and I continue to talk. Having to tell him that Ryan got to me once more, hit him harder than anything else. I've never seen someone cry as much as he did as I told him that story. He said Dad told him already, explaining to me how he threw up on the side of the ferry, and that he would never forgive himself for allowing that to happen to me again, because he knows it was his fault I was downtown to begin with. I had to wipe the tears from his face, trying to justify the fact that if it hadn't happened, Ryan wouldn't be behind bars right now. I never would have told the truth and he would still be out there, doing the same thing to other girls who never deserved it either.

He's told me his reasoning for believing Jenny over me. About how he thought that people don't change. And I understand his wanting to hurt me before I could hurt him. I get it all. I just wish that we could have talked about it, before he went and did what he did. Unfortunately, no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes.

Everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. And I think being able to talk to Harry about all of this, makes me realize that in the end, everyone who does bad things will eventually get what they deserve for it. I had made a promise to myself long ago, that I would never do another bad thing in my life ever again. And maybe lying to Harry should have always been a part of that list of things I never should have done, because I'm seeing now, that even telling the smallest of lies, even a lie you feel will protect you, it will still come back to haunt you in ways you never expect. Karma will get you for just about everything.

*

Dad came back last night and brought dinner for the three of us, because the hospital's food is disgusting. He unfortunately had to leave to go back home right after, since he has to have our house all packed up by the end of the week to move, and since I'm now not there to help him, he has a lot more work to do. It's made me realize how selfish I have been. 

Before leaving, he made Harry promise to look after me for the rest of the school year. To stay by my side the entire time. I can understand Dad thinking that I need some kind of babysitter after all of this, and even though Harry happily told Dad he would do everything he could to keep a smile on my face, I know that I don't need that. 

I had a mental slip—A moment in time I made a mistake and can't take back. Sure I was hurting, and I still am, but wanting to die? I should have taken into consideration that I got better the last time. That I got through everything and I could do it again. Everything once again crashed around me, making me feel like I couldn't do it anymore. I know I have it in me to get better. I know that not all things end in misery.

The nurse came in multiple times throughout the night to take blood tests, each time waking me up to see Harry still sleeping on the couch by the window. And now, with the light coming in from the large window, rain spattering against it, he looks peaceful, despite the long uncomfortable night we had.

Laying on my side, staring at him for the last little while, I've come to the conclusion that I'm happy he's here with me. That we've gotten so much of the truth out to each other that should have been admitted to long ago, giving me a satisfied feeling about everything. But going through a suicide attempt has made me see the world differently, and myself. I know that I could never truly get better and be happy with myself if I'm with someone.

When he finally opens his eyes, he looks at me and smiles. He sits up and rubs his eyes, brushing the mess of curls from his face. I watch as he stands up and stretches before walking over to my bed, leaning down and kissing my forehead. 

"Good morning, beautiful," he says, as he sits down.

I sit up and get comfortable before looking at him. He's gotten comfortable as well, sitting cross legged in front of me, as he takes my hand in his. I take a deep breath, trying not to show that I'm nervous. My heart is pounding in my chest, because I don't know what he'll say to what I need to get out. But I know in my heart this is how it has to be.

"Harry?"

"Yes, love," he smiles.

"You and me—you know we can't be together right?"

A/N: Thank you so so much for 48.1K reads and 6.4K votes. Love you all and your love for my book! :)

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