--Harry--

The day I found out about the dare and walked away from Paisley, was one of the hardest days of my life. Walking away from the girl I loved most, no matter how mad I was at the time, was difficult. I walked away from someone I thought was going to be my life for a hell of a lot longer than one month and I hated that it ended the way it did, not giving her a moment to explain. But I know now, that watching that same girl walk away from me, madly in love with her all over again, was harder than that day ever was, especially because of the tears she had in her eyes. 

I'm having a hard time believing anything anymore. When Jenny told me that Paisley knew who I was since Christmas break, it shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. She was different in so many ways after she told me that she saw Jenny, and it made sense as to why she wanted to run from them when she saw them at Milestone's downtown. She didn't want me to find out she knew who I was and Jenny's big mouth would have spilled everything and it clearly would have been a repeat of the first time. 

Her confidence was heightened. She was back to being herself. The girl I knew in high school. And she had even called me a nerd. Said I could never hide that fact from her. She was testing me and I was blind to it all. I don't know why I can never see through her with this. I always thought she was shit at lying, and yet somehow she got the biggest one past me again. 

Although I love her far more than I ever did in high school, I knew for some reason I had to be cautious when it came to saying it to her. There was something inside of me, warning me not to say those words to her, even though she said them to me this time. But God, did I want to tell her. I wanted to scream out to the world that I loved this girl more than anything. She was my everything, and even knowing I told her that, makes me cringe right now.

This whole situation kills me. She played me once again, while I was falling in love with her. I didn't want to be such a dick to her about it, especially because of how many tears she cried in front of me, but I'm so mad about it all, I can't help it. I'm assuming those tears were simply because her secret was out and she didn't have a clue as to what to do. It's this vicious cycle we play with each other. She hurts me. I hurt her. It never ends. And I haven't got a clue as to where my loyalties lie anymore. 

I wanted to believe her when she said her feelings for me are real, and that she really didn't know who I was until the day she walked into Mondo Gelato and saw me wearing my old glasses, but she has lied so many times, I'm at the point I don't know the difference between her lies and what the truth is anymore. If she was telling the truth, and really wanted for us to be together, why would she still keep secrets? She would have come right out and told me who gave her that awful black eye. It might have changed my mind about everything if she would have just opened up to me a little. But the fact that secrets are still clearly being kept, it's obvious she doesn't trust me as much as she once told me she did.

I'm confused. No. Confused in an understatement. I haven't got a clue at all, even more so after today's talks with Paisley. 

It's been a few hours since I found her sitting in her Dad's car outside of my house. I'm trying to keep up the charade that I was playing her this whole time so she can't see that my heart is in pieces. I don't want her to see that she's won again. I know that my actions and words are pitiful and thinking about it makes me want to punch myself in the face for being such a douchebag to her, even if I think she deserves it just a little. I'm probably going about this all the wrong way, but I don't know what to do. I don't know the right way to respond. I'm confused because I can see clear as day that she is unhappy right now, and I want more than anything to take her into my arms and tell her that I'm there, and that I love her and that everything will be okay, but it's not. She lied. She put on an act for months now and I don't know what to think.

I've been trying to distract myself with the television all afternoon, but now I'm sitting on my bed, looking at the picture of Paisley in my hands that I've had hanging on my wall for the last few years . This particular picture has always been my favorite of her. It expresses exactly who she used to be with me. Carefree and happy and full of life. A real smile that lights up her beautiful face. I remember the day I took it, and if I close my eyes and really think, I can still hear her laughing as she twirls in a circle.

She was right. We did have some really great memories from back then. How crazy it is to think that we were only together for one short month, which really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. But we really did have something special. I'm back to believing though, that even then everything was lies. That all this time now, every single day that passed and I changed my mind about her, I should have trusted my first instinct. Instead, I let her back in, win over my heart all over again, and once again, we're back at the same place we were before.

I'm taken from my thoughts when there's a knock at my door and Mom walks in. I roll my eyes as she walks over to my bed, sitting down on the edge and stares at me. Since she heard Paisley and I fighting this morning, she's tried talking to me about it, asking me questions about everything, but I won't have it. I'm not explaining this embarrassing situation to her.

She sighs, taking the picture of Paisley from me and looks at it for a really long time. "I don't know what happened, but that girl loves you."

"You're right, you don't know what happened."

"And I'm going to take a wild guess and say you love her too," she raises her eyebrows, smirking at me. "I think you should believe her. Because if she's talking about that girl Jenny she was friends with in high school, the one that hung around here a few times—I never liked that girl. You shouldn't trust her. You can tell just by looking at her, the kind of girl she is." She stands from my bed to retrieve the book Paisley brought over and skims through the pages. "Paisley's different. I knew it the moment I met her. And I can still see it in her eyes that you mean so much to her."

I stare at her in disbelief. Of course she would side with Paisley. For some reason, Mom loved her when we were together in high school. They had this weird bond that I would never understand, and clearly Mom still thinks she's this incredible person. Every girl I ever brought home after Paisley left, she would say the exact same thing to me—That girl doesn't look at you the way Paisley did—which was always fine with me, because I never liked any of the girls I brought home to fool around with anyways. Mom would never be happy with any girl I brought home, unless she was either Paisley or someone better than her. That was a fact.

"You should look at this." She places Paisley's book on the bed in front of me. I hesitate, staring at the picture of us on the front. It's the one I took of us at the diner at the Roller Rink sipping on our milkshakes. I'm surprised she used that picture on the cover, considering how crap that day ended up being. 

I can feel Mom's eyes on me as I open it to a random page, seeing pictures I've never seen before of us on the beach. It's a whole two pages of us in the water splashing each other, and I instantly remember it was the day I told her that every time I look at her, I stop breathing for a second. I can feel my insides tighten, the way this particular memory floods in, because as early on in our 'relationship' that this was, at this point I didn't think my feelings were really in it. Not the way they were as time passed. But as I look at these two pages, I realize that as much as I didn't think I even really liked her then, it's very clear to me now that I was in denial. I was lying to myself the whole time. My feelings for her have always been real, whether I wanted them to be or not.

I get up from my bed, walking past Mom. I need to take a walk. I don't want to look at this book right now. I need to be alone with my thoughts, figure some stuff out and understand where I need to go from here. I hate this feeling inside of me. Miserable and wanting to go back in time. Wishing everything could have been different. I should have told her the truth to begin with. Told her who I was. Maybe if she had just known from the start, instead of finding out from Jenny at Christmas, we never would have played each other at any point. I don't know what to think anymore, or how to feel, but I find myself walking over to the beach. The place I went to escape after Paisley left. To me, it will always be our spot. Maybe being there will give me some kind of answer; the clarity that I need.

As I sit down on the driftwood, fingers tracing over the P carved into it next to me, I notice a bottle leaning against the rock. It's the same bottle I found on the beach in California and gave to Paisley. I pick it up, noticing the paper inside is much different than the messages I gave her. I can tell it's a full page of paper, rather than small one, and I know for sure that she left it here for me to find. Intrigued by it's contents, I quickly pick it up, pop the cork and turn it upside down to retrieve the rolled up paper as it slides out into my hand.

My heart starts to pound as I unravel it, seeing my message to her about it taking guts to go back to the one who broke you. I have a feeling that reading this is going to be tough to swallow. I know it's going to hurt, but maybe—just maybe—this is exactly why I came here. The writing is messy, as if it were written in a hurry, but I'm hoping I will be able to make out all the words.

Harry,

I see how this message means more than I could have ever known that day you gave this to me. And I know that it was clear to you that it was intended for you, because of me. I broke you. But I think this is a clear indication that you loved me, even if you never thought you did or wanted to admit it to yourself. I get why you wouldn't want to.

You were right. All I do is lie. And coming back to me took more guts than I understand. You put up with my hesitance, waited patiently for me to be able to give myself to you, in ways I never thought I'd be able to again. You wasted so much of your time trying to prove to me that I could trust you again, just for me to continue to lie to you.

And although you may have started this with all the wrong intentions, I know that part of you still always wanted things to be the way they used to be. That's why you recreated our dates. You wanted to relive a part of our life that I know deep down, you know were real and pure moments between us. Which I promise you, every moment we ever shared was real for me, whether you want to believe it or not.

Yes, I have lied through my teeth more times than I can count. And I know that you have too. I'm sure there are a thousand good reasons why you have lied to me, because Harry, if I know anyone, it's you. And you wouldn't lie unless you had to. Just like me. It's how we protect ourselves.

Remember that letter you once wrote me? The one where you said I was your soulmate? I believe this to be the truth, as you did then. Because life wouldn't have brought us together again if we weren't. There's a reason we met again. And it wasn't just so we could hurt each other. It was to prove to each other that no matter what, we could get through anything. And we did. We did just that. Until karma decided to change our fate. Again.

I know about Jenny. I know why she did this to you—to us. And I know now that it doesn't matter what I tell you. For some reason, you will always believe her over me. And I guess that's just karma for ya. Because that's exactly what this is—karma. It got you. And it took me down with you.

The day you found out about the dare and threatened karma on me, was the day my life changed. And there has been so many times I should have been honest with you about how karma got me, because it's the reason for everything. Why I was hesitant. Why I don't trust people. Why I was the girl you met on that first day of school and not the girl you knew in high school. I lie about it all because I am ashamed of myself. Embarrassed that I lived the life I had to live. A victim of something I thought I deserved because of what I did to you. And I can't for the life of me, even begin to imagine telling you about it. Because for a while, before the memory of you was lost in my traumatized state, I blamed you. I blamed you for everything. And I don't want you to think for one second, that any of it was your fault, because it wasn't.

Without even trying, you helped me get better. You brought me back to life again. You allowed me to find myself and gave me strength in so many ways. I can't even begin to thank you enough for that. I wish I could tell you the truth. I wish it didn't hurt so much. But just please believe me when I say my feelings for you in high school were real. Much like they are now. I didn't want to play you then. And I for sure, never did this time around. I know that you know that. You have to. I love you. I have always loved you.

You're it for me, Harry. You're the only person, no matter how many times you try to hurt me, that I will ever trust with my heart. I know we were meant to be together and that eventually when all of this passes, somehow, someway, we will find each other again.

Until then, this is goodbye. Because until we stop trying to hurt each other, stop trying to win some game you think we're playing and stop lying to each other about everything and just trust each other, we could never believe that what we have to offer each other is exactly what we always needed. There's something in you wanting to fight your feelings. And there's something in me not willing to give you the truth. And therefore, we will forever just be waiting for each other.

You may not love me. You may actually be telling me the truth, that all of this was just to hurt me. But I want to believe that you're better than that. Because I don't want to think, that the person that I love most in this world, would turn out to be that kind of person. I remember who you used to be, and this is not who you are. I may never know what the truth is. But I don't want to leave, thinking I was never what you wanted. I'm not strong enough for that.

If you haven't already, please look at the book I made you. You will see that if it weren't for karma, we would have lived one really amazing life. One without interruptions and mistakes. We may have come together because of a dare, but everything happens for a reason. And if that dare was the only way I would have ever had the chance to be with you, I'd do it all over again. Just change a few things. Starting with the truth, so that you would never get hurt, and either would I. And karma would never have played us the way it did.

I love you.
Forever yours,
Paisley. xo

A/N: Gonna be a double update! The second one's up now!! :)