Songs-
Jason Walker - Echo
Amber Run- I Found

I'm parked on the street between my house and Harry's, because there's now too many worker's vehicles taking up my driveway. I'm unsure as to how long I've been sitting here. It feels like only minutes, and hours at the same time. My mind is racing, but it's blank as I stare off into space. I know I need to get out of the car, but I can't seem to move a muscle.

Everything is all messed up. How did this happen? One day everything was perfectly fine and the next it all explodes. The past coming to get me in more ways than one. Karma surely outdid itself this time, taking me down lower than I ever wanted to feel again. I'm unsure as to what I need to do now, or what I want. I know that I don't have any fight left in me. I'm weak. I want to cry. I want to give up on everything.

Nothing makes sense, yet when I really allow myself to think about it, everything adds up in this really screwed up way. Everyone will always just be out to hurt each other, just like I used to think before I let my guard down and let people in. I had forgotten the awful truth about people. Harry made me forget. Whether he was just in this to hurt me or if things were real, at this point it doesn't even matter anymore.

All is lost.

Finding out the truth about what Jenny told Harry was just something new to add to the list of things I don't want to believe. She lied to him about me to get back at him for what he did to her. Hurting me, once again, in the process.

I'm taken out of my daze when a car pulls up really close beside mine, and I look over to see Harry sitting in his car rolling down his window. I do the same when he motions for me to do so, my heart starting to pound as I do.

"You forgot this in my car," he simply says, handing over the bottle with the messages in it, through our windows. I gladly take it from him and throw it over to the passenger seat, without taking my eyes off of him. I can't decipher what he's thinking. He's wearing sunglasses and his lips are in a tight line. I can feel his eyes taking me in, which only makes me feel nervous. The amount of things I want to say to him right now. But I know he wouldn't listen anyway. "Stalking me now? You weren't here when I left, but you're back? Seriously, Paisley. Go home."

Do I want him to know that Dad and I are moving here? That this house I'm parked almost in front of, is going to be my new home? He's apparently already thinking I'm stalking him and he doesn't seemed too pleased about it. I better keep my mouth shut. "I just have a few things to ask you," I blurt, before he has the chance to drive away.

"Hurry it up," he sighs, putting his car into park. "I'm in the middle of the road."

"Do you really believe Jenny over me?" I don't take my eyes off of him, and wish so much that he wasn't wearing sunglasses. Not just because I want to see the whole expression on his face, but because I want to look into his beautiful eyes just once more.

"Yes."

"Why?" 

"She's a hell of a lot more honest with me than you ever have been," he answers coldly, looking in his rear view mirror. Thankfully no one is coming.

"After everything that we've been through, you still think I'm lying?" I ask. "She's the one who lied, Harry! And if you have any recollection of High School, you would understand what she's doing. She did this on purpose. She wanted to hurt you, and—she got what she wanted!"

"She didn't get shit," he argues back, tapping his thumb on the steering wheel. "I'm done with you, remember? This was the plan all along. If anything, I got what I wanted."

I sigh, knowing that nothing I say will get through to him. There's no point in trying anymore. I've done all I can for now. It's clear he is too mad to accept anything that comes out of my mouth, and still wanting to say stuff that will surely hurt me. He puts his car back into drive and I know I need to ask just one more thing before he drives away. "Did I really always mean nothing to you?" I ask, quietly. "Or did you have feelings for me, but Jenny changed your mind?"

He doesn't look at me as he scratches the back of his neck. My heart is pounding hard, waiting for his answer. I have a feeling I already know what he's going to say, but I need to hear it once more. "You never meant anything to me. Get it through your head."

I feel myself sink. My whole body trembles as I listen to him drive away. The tears start welling up in my eyes again. I know that I've lost. That somehow there's no hope left. He's gone, and all I have left is this pathetic message in a bottle laying in the passenger seat, mocking me as if I should have known all along.

I thought for sure he loved me, or at least was close to feeling that way about me. I was blind to his act, and still didn't want to believe his words to be true. But like I thought before, none of it matters anymore.

Once again, I lost everything in an instant. The second I lost Harry, all the horrors of my life returned. Ryan making his appearance again, reminding me that I'm worthless, that I don't deserve a life worth living. I'm just a girl who will forever be used. I'm not good enough for anything better. The two of them together made me aware of the fact that nothing good in life will ever stay, real or not. Happiness is just something I imagine. I don't even know what it is anymore.

In frustration, I bang my fists against the steering wheel over and over again, screaming out a defeated cry. The horn honks a few times in the midst of my freak out, but I don't care. I need to get the pain out of me. I need the throbbing in my chest to whither away. I need for the world to give me a break. I just don't want to hurt anymore. 

Unsure of when or why or how, Dad is pulling me out of the car, trying to hold me close to him, but I can't stand on my own two feet and I can't hear what he's saying over my cries and the screaming inside of my head. He allows me to drop to the ground and lets me cry, realizing that I'm not going to acknowledge his words.

Time is passing. I don't have recollection of it, or how Dad got me back into the house or when I stopped crying, but we're here, in the kitchen. I'm sitting on the floor, leaning against the cupboards and he's standing on the opposite side of the room with his arms crossed, staring at me.

"Please talk to me," he begs. "You have to tell me what's going on, kiddo. Was it Harry? Did he do this to you? What did he do? I'll kill him if he made you feel this way. I haven't seen you like this since—"

"You won't do anything, Dad," I say, raising my voice. "It's not just Harry. And even if it was, people break each other's heart's all the time. There's no need to go psycho here. Things just didn't work out. And I want to go back to California."

"What?" he asks. I can tell that he wasn't expecting me to say this, as he looks very surprised with my words. "You still have over a week left of break. You aren't going back there yet. You just got home."

"I don't want to be here anymore," I admit. "I don't want to be in Vancouver either. Please let me go back to school. Astrid didn't go home for break, and I need a friend to talk to." I know very well that Astrid is gone home for the break. She's thousands of miles away from school, just like everyone else is. I just need to be alone. But Dad knows how good of a friend Astrid is to me, and I'm hoping that my lie is believable. Now that Dad has witnessed how obvious it is that I'm not mentally stable at the moment, I know if I stay, he'll be breathing down my neck for answers and to make sure I'm okay, and that's the last thing I want right now.

I think he can see it in my eyes, how serious I am that I need to leave, because he agrees to buy a plane ticket for me to go back to school as soon as possible, despite the fact that he wants me to stay even for just a couple of more days. When we see there's a flight tonight from Victoria, he sighs and reminds me about my bags that are at home in Vancouver and that I should at least stay until tomorrow so we can go back to get them first. But I don't care about my things. I don't care if I leave a few pairs of pants behind. Being alone is more important right now than my belongings. I just need to leave.

We're interrupted by a man who has come up from the basement. I watch as Dad clicks away on his laptop to buy the ticket, filling in the information quickly before heading downstairs with the construction worker.

I decide to go back out to the car to get Harry's message in a bottle, along with the pad of paper in the backseat and find a pen in the glove compartment. I feel like there's only one thing left to do, remembering Harry's Mom's words. The truth will set you free. Maybe it's time for Harry to know how I really feel. I'm not sure I have it in me to come out with everything, especially thinking that he doesn't care to know the whole truth. I don't want to explain to him what happened with Ryan if he really was in this just to hurt me. But saying one last thing really can't hurt. I need to let some thoughts out of me anyways.

Ever since Harry gave me this message in a bottle, I have only ever remembered the message he wrote out to me—The Marianas trench lyric. But as I sit in the middle of my empty soon-to-be-bedroom, unraveling this message, I am reminded of the other one, taken back in time to the day he gave it to me. He said he felt he was meant to find it. It was intended for him. And as I stare at the words written before me, I'm back to believing that at least a part of him actually cared about me. That he thought it to be true that it took guts to come back to me even after I broke him. And although my mind is all over the place, my thoughts unsure of just about everything, I know I need to just write. To forget every single messed up thought coursing through me, and just write. To let the pen hit the paper and do the work for me. And no matter what it says at the end, I will put it in this bottle and leave it at my spot on the beach—our spot— in hopes that Harry will find it.

**

Drained. There's no better word for how I'm feeling as I lay in my bed, surrounded by the silence of my dorm room. As soon as I got home, I crashed. I'm unsure if I actually slept. My nightmares returning, but this time taking a turn. They're not just filled with moments with Ryan, they're mixed with Harry and Jenny and unrealistic versions of memories. The truth and exaggerations and outcomes I don't want to picture.

Dad had taken me to the airport last night, handed me over a ton of cash for a cab to get back to campus and insisted that he talk some sense into Harry for making me cry. I had to beg and plead with him, reminding him that I'm not a child and can fight my own battles just so that he wouldn't go to Harry and to leave well enough alone. He doesn't need to come to my rescue on this. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does.

I lay in bed much longer than I should have with the blinds closed, soaking in the nothingness I'm alone with. So many tears have escaped my eyes, I can't see straight anymore. So much has happened in such a small span of time, I don't think I'll be able to come back from it. I'm lost and confused. A mess. All of it had happened so quickly. The memory of Harry hit me hard. The girl I used to be in high school, made me realize that I was never worthy of Harry to begin with. I never deserved for him to love me in the first place, and I can see why he wouldn't now, because as much as I was different this time around, I was still that pathetic girl who just lied her way through life. Ryan's abuse undoubtedly brought  back all of my fears in one swift go, and even though he was locked up for it finally, I still feel like I lost that battle in more ways than I can count, because the person I was long ago is back, trying to fight for ways to understand my place in this world.  

Without thinking, I get dressed, not caring to shower or to even look in the mirror at the pitiful state I'm in, grab my car keys and leave my dorm like I'm on some kind of mission. My feet carry me to my car, not even knowing what I'm really doing. I can sense that my mind is gone. That there's no coherent thoughts anymore. I feel like I'm moving in fast forward and slow motion, my mind blank and yet racing and my heart is going and my hands are shaking. My head is pounding, making my way to the convenient store, buying more pain killers than I would ever need, to relieve the pulsing in my temples before I find myself at the liquor store. The girl at the cash is staring at me like I'm some crazy person as I place the vodka on the counter. I can see that she scans the bottle and I know I hand her money, but I feel myself slipping away, uncertain if I'm awake or dreaming.

When I reach the destination my delirious mind thought of going, I park the car and walk the small distance with the bottle in my hand to the edge of the cliff I once almost fell off when taking pictures for an assignment. I sit down on the grass and look out into the distance. The sun is already setting and the sight is beautiful and open. The wind blowing through my hair allows me to come back to reality. I'm confused as to how I got here and tears start falling down my cheeks at an usually quick pace as everything in my head seems to hit me head on, all at once.

I pop open the bottle of vodka and take a swig. The contents burning my throat as it goes down. I know the last thing I should be doing right now, is drinking away the pain. But this bottle is here somehow and there's no better way to drown my sorrows, than with this nice bottle. I need to forget. I need it to take away all the hurt. To be someone else for just a little while, because I hate who I've become. Unsure of who that is exactly. Why everything happens the way that it does. I need it to all leave my fucked up mind.

But the more I drink, the more I cry. The memories flowing through my mind. A reality of who I am making me realize that Ryan was right. His words ring loud and clear, over and over again. I was deserving of the life he gave me. Not just for what I had done to Harry, but for every other bad thing I had done while I was friends with Jenny. That part of me will always live in me. And I'm just a weak, frail little girl, worthless of anything good in life. No one will ever love me, because I could never find it in me to ever love myself. I could try my hardest to forgive myself for all the wrongs that I have done, but I know better than that.

I never deserved what I had with Harry. Not the first time around, and definitely not the second. He was so good to me, he helped me get better without even knowing he was doing so. I depended on him to make me feel, and without him all that's left, is this huge hole in my heart. He's just there now to remind me that everything is a lie. That no matter what, no good comes from anything. I will forever be broken. I have always been broken. I know that a smile will never grace my lips again. I will not laugh at anything. I will not feel. I know that the hurt and the pain will succumb to numbness and I will keep going, not feeling a damn thing. Physically there, but not mentally. Just a waste of space I am, and forever will be.

The darkness has fallen, and the stars have appeared in the night sky. They're blurry, but I'm happy I can tell that they're there. I love the stars. I love that I get to see them this one last time, before I head back to the dorms. My butt hurts from sitting in the grass for as long as I have. I throw the almost empty bottle of alcohol off the side of the cliff, listening to it smash against the rocks at the bottom. 

I take a deep breath and make my way back to my car. I know I shouldn't drive in the state that I'm in, but promise myself to be extra careful, because as much as I know I don't deserve to live this life, everyone else's lives are good. Those people driving down the road I will be driving—their lives are worth it. They have meaning, unlike mine.

Campus isn't far from here. I know I can make it back fine. I try to keep my tears to a minimum so I can focus on the road before me, making sure I drive like an old woman, so I don't get pulled over.

When I'm safely parked in my parking spot of the dorms, my eyes land on the bottles of pain killers sitting in my passenger seat. I know where my mind is going as I look at them, staring at them for longer than I should. In my drunken state, I swipe them from the seat and stumble to my dorm room, slamming the door behind me and sitting on my bed with them clasped in my hands.

Tears start welling up in my eyes as my mind starts to wander. I was finally happy. Just for one brief second, I could say that I was finally better. Not afraid of anything anymore. I had gotten past all my fears and learned to love someone so fiercely that I didn't see that without him, I wouldn't be able to breathe. I allowed for Harry to be the answer to everything. To be the reason I was happy. I thought I would have the chance to call him mine forever, forgetting that happiness is supposed to come from within, not from someone else. And I now realize that without him, I am nothing. My thoughts simply go back to that of the nothingness that I know I am. I'm just a girl who's not worth it to anyone. Just a girl that's used and lied to and played with. Nothing in life would ever feel real again if I was to stay. A pointless, unfulfilled life I would live, stuck inside a mind that only thought of ways to end everything.

And as I stare at the bottles gripped in my hands, through blurred vision from tears and drunkenness, I know that Harry was just there to remind me, just like Ryan, that I am nothing. There's not a soul who could save me now.

Inside my mind I suffocate. Let me out to breathe.

A/N: First, I want to say how sorry I am for how long it took me to update. This chapter was so hard for me to write, taking me to a place I don't like to relive. So, thank you so much for having patience with me and understanding. I cried many many tears writing this chapter. Sorry if it seems like this chapter is all over the place. Her thoughts are all over the place, unsure of what to think, or what to believe or what to do. So, I hope it makes sense in the fact that it's supposed to be all over the place!

Second, I want to address that if you have suicidal thoughts, or even feel the slightest of depression, to not ever try to be alone like Paisley did. People care whether you think they do or not. And there will always be someone to talk to. I am here for everyone if you need a friend, whether you know me or not, please don't hesitate to send me a message. You are worth every second of your life, and things always get better no matter how much you think they wont. Trust me!

Third, I do not condone drinking and driving. So please, never ever do it. Your life is far too important for stupid acts such as this. Always remember to be safe.

And lastly, thank you thank you thank you for 37K reads and 5k votes!!

Oh, and one more thing! To all of you who nominated me for the Fanfiction Awards, thank you!! I am up for The Best of the Beginners and The Best of the Little [Next Big Thing].
It would mean so so much to me if you headed on over there (this chapter is dedicated to their page for you to get there easily), and vote your little hearts out for me!! Your support means so much more to me than anything! Thank you for everything!

Much love
amberlove
xo