Song:  Everybody Lies - Jason Walker

I'm not going to lie. Seeing my best friend in the state she was in for most of the night, did something to me. It broke my heart in ways it's never been broken before. When I look at the sweet and innocent girl that Astrid is, I want to so badly protect her from the cruelty of the world. I want to make sure she never gets hurt and I hope to God that she will never feel pain like I have, even in the smallest of ways.

I know now, in the world we live in, that there's no way in hell that I will ever be able to protect her completely, even from boys who seem more than perfect for her. But what I can do, is be there to pick up the pieces when she falls and help her through the tears to make her feel whole again.

It's been a long time since I had a friend I cared enough about to be there for like I am with Astrid. And while we spent the entire night in her car by the beach with the windows rolled down, listening to the waves, I realized that letting her cry and yell at the world for this small thing that's broken a part of her, is important. It's something I think I always needed, but never had and wished I did--just someone to let it all out to.

Listening to her talk didn't just help her feel better, it helped me as well, to understand that no matter how hard the people who care about us try, they're going to make mistakes, simply because they're human and no one is perfect. I know it's something that I always should have understood, because hell, I'm living proof of that every day.

It made me realize that maybe I'm being a little too selfish when it comes to Harry. I've known from the beginning who he was before me. He'd been very clear about it and I know how hard it is to change. Sure, he lied to me and in the process, the whole thing had Astrid in tears, but I had to look at the bigger picture and realize that even though someone ended up getting hurt, Harry was just doing something for his friend. I had to look at it from his perspective--something I always had a hard time doing--to understand why he did what he did.

It could have been handled a different way. Blake put Harry in the middle of things. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but it definitely wasn't necessary. By the time I realized this, I was more mad at Blake than I was at Harry and ashamed of myself for coming to conclusions too quickly and not being able to take back the words I had already spoken to him.

When I think that I've come a long way from being the person I was before, seeing the way I processed the situation at the roller rink, made me realize that I haven't come as far as I originally thought. I still have many issues to work on. Yes, Harry lied to me, but I really didn't give him very much time to explain himself before I ran my mouth off to him and said things that I shouldn't have.

The only person who was in the wrong in this whole stupid situation, was Blake. Whether his ex girlfriend just wanted to talk or not, her being his ex never should've been a secret and they probably could have just met up in a public place---or not at all.

Blake had apparently tried to explain his reasoning to Astrid and she told me that he just didn't want to hurt her, knowing that his ex girlfriend was around. It was never his idea for Zoey to come out to the pub and he never liked the idea of it, but the other guys insisted that after having to put up with them and their shenanigans for two weeks, they owed her a few drinks. Astrid was never meant to know it was his ex girlfriend, but after Zoey's departure from Blake's dorm was seen in action, the truth had to be told.

Trying to justify someone's actions when it comes to their intent on lying about something had my mind reeling. I can easily rationalize the reasoning behind a lie, so I could understand why Blake would lie to Astrid about this. It didn't make it right by any means and I know that I was just trying to make Astrid feel better about the whole thing to make her see that his intentions weren't as bad as we thought they were. But it did make me realize I was definitely too hard on Harry for this, because I know from experience, from my every day life, that there are sometimes good reasons to lie.

This. This is all just a misunderstanding mess.

I know more than anything now, that it wasn't really Harry this time who screwed it all up for us. It was me. It was me and my walls. My damn walls building their way back up to protect me even for the smallest of reasons. As Astrid and I finally make our way back to campus, watching the sun start to rise over the water, I know that I have to apologize for the way I acted and for the things I said.

"Let me know if you need anything," I tell Astrid as we get out of her car. She looks like she feels a lot better than she did last night, after talking for as many hours as we did. The only thing present on her face now, is exhaustion, and I feel as a friend, I did my job right.

"I will," she smiles, wrapping her arms around me.

"Everything will be fine," I assure her.

I hate that it's five in the morning and it's too early to wake up Harry to talk. While walking through the hallway to my dorm room, I realize I have no idea what he did last night or where he even is right now. While Astrid's phone went off often with texts and incoming calls from Blake, my phone stayed silent the entire night. I told him not to stay in my dorm room, so I assume he's actually sleeping in his own bed for once.

When I open the door to my dorm, I'm surprised to see Harry sprawled out on Nova's bed in a deep sleep. He's still wearing his clothes from yesterday and his bandana is still in his hair. By the looks of it, he just came in here and crashed on her bed, not even caring to put blankets over him. He just laid down with his head on the opposite end and his feet on one of Nova's pillows.

I decide to lay next to him, curling myself into his body with my arm tightly wrapped around him. I breathe in his scent that is surprisingly still as nice as it was yesterday, as my eyes fixate on his beautiful features. His eyebrows are furrowed, leaving two creases between them, which makes me think he probably didn't go to bed too happy and he's not dreaming peacefully like he does when we're together. He looks stressed, but he's still beautiful nonetheless. I'm hoping that even in his unconscious state, that he will feel my presence and the strain on his face will go away, but the longer I look at him, I realize it's not going to.

He probably doesn't exactly want me laying next to him, now that I think about it. We have a lot we need to talk about. I know we fall back together easily, but by the way he didn't wrap his arm around me when I laid down with him has me thinking this time is different and I start to panic. My heart thumping hard in my chest makes it hard to breathe and I need to remove myself from this position.

As I start to get up from the bed in my dreaded state, he reaches out and touches my hand before I can go anywhere. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this time isn't any different and we'll fall back together with ease. I instantly feel myself fill up with hope at his touch.

"What were you doing?" He asks slowly. His voice is raspy with sleep and his eyes are still closed.

"Laying with you," I answer. "Is that okay?"

"No, I mean with Astrid," he says, before clearing his throat. He shifts to the other side of the bed to lay on Nova's pillow, getting comfortable. "Is she feeling better?"

"Yeah, I think she's fine. We sat by the beach all night in her car," I explain.

"Good, I don't want her to be upset." He still has his eyes closed and I know he's not ready to wake up, but I really want to talk to him.

"Harry," I start, quickly. "Look, I'm really sorry for last night. I said---"

"Not now, Paisley," he sighs, cutting me off. "It's too early to have this conversation, and to be quite honest I don't really want to hear it."

Even in his very sleepy state, he sounds annoyed with me. I understand it's not even six in the morning on a Sunday, but he didn't have to be so rude. Or maybe he did? Maybe I was right the first time. This time it's going to be different. Instead of falling back together, we're going to fall apart.

Without another word, I leave the room in search for coffee. With no sleep last night and the way Harry just spoke to me, I know it's going to be a long day and I'm going to need a coffee IV if I want to get through it. Walking through the hallways, tears start welling up in my eyes. I knew that I screwed up, but I really believed everything would be fine, just like every other time something went wrong. I always forgave him for the stupid things he did, and I already forgave him for lying yesterday. He didn't know that yet, but I'm sure he knew I would. I always do.

Tears stream uncontrollably down my face as I walk into the community kitchen in my building. There's not a soul around as I look for someone else's coffee to brew, sniffling as I do so. I watch through blurred vision as the coffee spits it's way out of the tassimo machine into the red mug I took from the cupboard, before taking the milk out of the fridge labeled Mark. Well, thank you Mark for your milk. I don't really care that I'm stealing someone else's stuff. As long as I get my coffee fix. And right now, that's all I want to focus on, so hopefully the pain I'm feeling will evaporate.

I don't want to break down even before having this conversation with Harry. I may be overreacting inside of my head and my tears will have been for nothing. But I can't help the sinking feeling I have and the tears apparently don't want to stop. It's at this moment that I realize how much I need him. How much I've always needed him. How much I've depended on him to help me get better. I don't want to imagine what would happen if I lost him. Knowing he's been the answer to everything in my small world and how he's carried me along, getting me to trust him--knowing I'd fall, even lose myself again, without him, is hard to swallow.

I take a sip of my freshly brewed stolen coffee and try to relax my shaking hands. I need to put myself back together before making my way back to my room. I don't want Harry to see me in this pathetic state. I don't want him to see that I'm weak right now. I take a few deep breaths drying my face of all of the tears and fanning my eyes with my hands in hopes of ridding the redness that more than likely formed in the midst of my sobs.

I breathe out a sigh of relief seeing Harry still sleeping when I enter my room again. I take that as my cue to have a shower and get ready for the day, despite the fact that I should just get into bed and get some sleep. But I know better than to try right now. My nerves are shot and I wouldn't be able to even close my eyes.

The hot water doesn't calm my nerves the way I was hoping it would. Instead, I just feel worse. I need to have this conversation with Harry before I lose my mind. I'm still hanging onto a little bit of hope that my negative mind is just playing tricks on me and that I have nothing to worry about, but the pain doesn't go away and I know it wont until he tells me everything is going to be okay.

The thudding of my heart wont stop as I get dressed. It wont stop while I brush my hair and cream my face. It wont stop as I brush my teeth. I feel as though I can't breathe as I look in the mirror at my tired reflection. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I need to get this conversation over with.

Seeing Harry sitting against the wall on Nova's bed staring at me as I leave the bathroom, makes me even more nervous. He looks very much awake now and ready to talk. I feel like I have so much to say, but now that the time is here to talk, I have no idea where my voice is. I awkwardly make my way over to my bed and sit at the edge unable to make eye contact with him.

We sit in silence for what feels like forever. The tension building by the second. All I can hear is my heartbeat, until he moves to end of Nova's bed, leaning his chin in his hands, looking at the floor between us.

"I've had a lot of time to think last night," he starts, slowly.

Although I want to hear what he has to say--I need to hear what he's thinking--I need him to know how sorry I am. "I'm so sorry, Harry," I say, cutting him off. The panic in my voice is noticeable and I cringe at how pitiful I sound. "I never should've got mad without listening to you first. I never should've brought up Ruby, because honestly I could care less about her, and I know I can trust you. I just--"

"Please stop," Harry interrupts.

Silence. I sink at the realization he doesn't want to hear my apology or what I'm thinking and I can already feel the tears wanting to escape as my chin starts to quiver. Ugh. Not now. Be strong.

He lets out a long breath when he notices I wont talk again like he's asked, but his eyes wont meet mine. "As I was saying," he starts again. "I had a lot of time to think last night--about everything--about us." He finally looks over at me. He looks sad and there's no doubt in my mind that what he's about to say isn't easy for him. It's clear on his face that he's struggling with it.

A tear escapes my eye and runs down my cheek and I don't do a thing to stop it. There's no point in trying to hide it now because I know trying will just make it worse. I try to swallow, bouncing my knees up and down, fiddling with my fingers in my lap. I can't sit still as the anxious feeling grows.

"I think we should take a time out," he finally says with a shakiness in his voice. "From whatever it is that this is--"

I knew I was right. This time is different than all the other times. We're falling apart instead of back together, and I feel my heart collapse inside of me as more tears stream down my face. "I really don't want to do this," he continues. "But it's very clear that you need to work on some things. It's exhausting having to work so hard to keep your trust in me."

"I do trust you," I struggle to get out. "What I said--I said in the moment. I didn't mean it. I do trust you. Please don't do this." I feel myself break as I miserably beg him to stay with me. His words are exactly what I was worried I was going to hear, and now that I've heard them, I want him to take them back. He needs to take them back. "Please--"

"I'm sorry, Paisley." He stands from the bed and puts his hands in his pockets. It's obvious he's put a lot of thought into this and he has his mind made up. "We just need--"

"No," I interrupt. "I know that I screwed up, and so have you, but I need you, Harry." I know that he isn't mine. He isn't mine to keep. He never had to put up with all my struggles or work with me through everything--but he did, and I don't want to lose him. I can't. Not after everything we've been through already.

"Exactly Paisley," he says with a little more force than before. "We screw up constantly. I lie to you. You lie to me. You say things you don't mean and I have to try to get you to trust me again. It's a vicious cycle that's never going to end if we don't take a time out and figure out why we're like this with each other. We need a break."

My whole body trembles as I try not to make a sound, unable to control the tears forcing their way out. I want to talk. I want words to come out. But I'm having a hard time even breathing. I know I wont be able to form a coherent sentence so I don't try.

"Please don't cry," he pleads. "Paise, you know this is what we need. We can't keep doing this to each other." He grabs my hand and pulls me to stand with him, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace. "We just need to take some time to figure shit out. It'll be good for us."

I don't want to believe his words to be true, because I want to keep him by my side, just like this. I want to stay in his arms and I want to kiss him anytime I like. I want to be able to hold his hand while we walk to school and sit in the passenger seat of his car as we belt out the lyrics to all of our favorite songs with the windows rolled down and the wind blowing through our hair. I want to look him in the eyes and see him looking back at me like I'm the only girl in the world that matters. And I want to go to sleep every night, tucked into him tightly with his arm wrapped around me, making me feel the safest I've ever felt. I don't want to lose the comfort he brings. I don't want to lose the person I am when I'm with him. Because even though I'm wrapped up in his arms at this very moment, I don't feel like myself at all, knowing that I've already lost a piece of him and my strength fading along with it.

He looks at me with such seriousness in his eyes as he cups my face with his hands. "Trust me, Paisley," he says, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. "Just trust me. I promise you, everything will be better if we do this right now. You just need to trust me."

I close my eyes, feeling more tears fall, as he kisses my forehead. His lips linger on my skin and I can feel his hesitance with not wanting to leave. My fingers grip tightly around his t-shirt when he removes himself from me, trying my hardest to not let him go. I don't want him to walk away from this right now. I know the second he walks out that door, that I will be made to figure myself out on my own. That I will have to face my fears alone, like I did before him.

Now that I know what it's like to have him, I don't want to be without him. I don't want to know that feeling. Being with him has been hard. He's broken me in more ways than one, but he has also been the one to put me back together, so easily. So flawlessly. And now, as I watch him walk slowly away from me towards the door, I know I'm about to be forced to do it on my own. To pick myself back up without him. I don't know if I can do it. Or want to. But seeing him walk out the door, I know I have to.

At this moment though, as I collapse to the floor in tears, I'm allowing myself to feel. I screwed it up. I am to blame for this. I deserve to feel this way. I deserve to see him walk out. He deserves so much better than me.

I hate that I am feeling exactly the way I used to. I feel like the person I don't want to remember myself being. When I realize this, I stand to my feet. I can't let this be me. I've worked too hard. I'm hurting. Much more than I want to be. But I can't allow myself to feel that bad. He'll be back. He's not really gone. I will get him back. And like he said, it'll be better.

I trust him.

**

A/N: This chapter was so hard to write. I don't like when they're like this, and it was definitely emotional for me to write. So I hope you're crying along with me! lol

Please tell me your thoughts!! And vote if you like it!

5.7K reads!!! I honestly can't even believe it! Thank you so much for reading! For voting! For commenting!! This book has been my life now for just about 2 months and seeing your love for my book always has me smiling and keeping me motivated to write as much as I can!

I love you! SO MUCH!!

much love,
amberlove
xo