Waking up next to Harry is by far my new favorite thing in the entire world. It's something that I could never grow tired of, and since the night we shared our first kiss, I've been lucky enough to wake up with him next to me every morning. Most days I wake up to him already awake, staring at me. Making me think that he feels like all of his dreams have come true, just by the way he looks at me. His smile being the first thing I get to see when I open my eyes. Nothing beats how this makes me feel. Getting to start each day like this, makes me feel like nothing in the world could ever bring me down. It's better than the first sip of coffee in the morning. Better than powerfully lyric-ed music in my headphones. It just makes me feel like every day is worth living just for this very first moment of the day.

But there's also mornings that I wake up before him, and I get to watch him sleep for a while before he opens his eyes. And in these moments, I get to think about the reasons I am so lucky to have him next to me. How the feelings I have for him continue to grow as my trust in him does. How easy it has been to just be me with him, and how he's allowed me to let all my walls down and be the person I used to be. Because even though there have been difficult times with us and I have my doubts, we fall back together so effortlessly.

Today is one of those days. As I lay in my bed with him sleeping soundly, I get to watch his tattooed chest move up and down with each breath he takes, his eyelids move as he dreams and how beautifully his curls fall into his face.

It was just a few nights ago that I was reminded of Ryan. The vision that played inside my head that seemed to suffocate me. He was there to try and ruin my life again. Although he plays such a huge part in the reason for who I am and how I perceive most everything around me, I have been learning to let the thought of him go and I'm able to live again. To trust again. To not be so afraid. And in that one instant, I let him back in. I'm determined to not let him take control over the progress I've made. I know that I'm stronger now.

That's why I never denied Harry access to the spot next to me in my bed at night. I was definitely tentative about it at first, but I knew that if I let this reminder of Ryan change anything between Harry and I, we would never be able to grow. We would continue to go in circles and have to start all over again every time, until he grew tired of having to try so hard with me. I couldn't do that to him, and I most certainly couldn't do that to myself.

I needed to push through my fears of being close to him. I knew that with my hesitancy of how I kissed him back over the last few days, that it was clear I had taken a step in the wrong direction, but I still tried to make it not so obvious--as much as I could anyways. The look in his eyes told me he was aware of my reluctance, but the one thing that I have loved about Harry, is that it's like he always understood me in a way that I needed him to, without ever having to explain myself. He never pushed me and always made sure that I was on the proper level of complacency that I should be before proceeding to kiss me the way he wanted to. Which I've found to be deep and complete with his need to have me as close as possible.

As I look at him this morning, fully content in his slumber, I'm liking the way he looks so innocent. The guy who has one night stands and uses girls for sex is nowhere to be seen. It's been a few weeks since I found out about him and Ruby and he has done nothing but prove to me every day that it is in fact me that he wants. It scares me a little to think that he can go from being someone who has sex with random girls to putting all of his attention on just me; Someone who can barely even kiss him properly at times, because I automatically assume he will go somewhere else to get what he wants. It is about ninety percent of the reason we're not in a relationship right now. But in this moment, there's no denying this innocent looking boy would ever do a single thing to hurt me.

He shifts his body onto his stomach and with the arm he has wrapped around me, he pulls me in closer to him. "Stop staring at me," he says sleepily, without opening his eyes.

"I'm not staring," I tell him. A wide grin appears on my face in my distinct lie.

"Yes, you are."

"I'm really not."

"I can feel your eyes on me, Paise," he smiles. "Has anyone ever told you that you're the worst liar?" He pulls me in as close to him as possible and touches his lips ever so gently to my forehead.

"I'm not lying. It's your ego assuming I would do such a thing!" I giggle.

"Don't blame my ego on the fact you can't keep your eyes off of me because you so obviously think I'm extremely attractive."

"Keep dreaming."

"Utterly handsome."

"Nope."

"Undeniably perfect."

"That's taking it a little too far! Your ego needs a slap!"

"You just need to stop denying it!" He kisses my forehead again and I can feel the smile on his face against my skin.

"You're so annoying."

He laughs. And although I don't want to get out of bed, I know we have to start the day, so I remove myself from his grip and sit at the edge of my bed, looking around the room. He slithers his way over to my side of the bed and wraps his arms around my waist, leaning his head against my side. "Don't leave---more snuggles!"

"Harry, we need to start packing, we have to get on the road soon!" I remind him.

This week we got the most incredible assignment. I could barely contain my excitement when we were first told about it. We were given a list of concerts that were going on throughout the state of California and we got to choose one that we wanted to shoot. Finally able to put our media passes to good use.

Harry, being the spontaneous guy that he is, and wanting to get out of our ordinary surroundings, closed his eyes and pointed to one that was far away from where we are. Before I could see which one he had his finger on, he happily tells me we're going to shoot this one together and we're going on a road trip. I apparently had no say in the matter, despite how unsure I felt about leaving the city with him alone.

I tried to convince Astrid and Blake to come along with us, but Harry wouldn't allow it and they had apparently already decided they were going to shoot the Sam Smith show together, which was not at all shocking. So, Harry and I were off to see Five Seconds of Summer, whoever they were, in San Francisco. Just him and I. Alone.

We decided to purchase a couple of their albums and we have been listening to this Five Seconds of Summer band over the last few days together, to get a feel for what we were going to be shooting, and surprisingly they were pretty good, making it easier to get excited about going to shoot this particular show.

**

"Are you sure you have everything you need?" Astrid asks. We're standing outside of Harry's Audi, just finished packing up the backseat of his car with our camera equipment, overnight bags and more snacks than we'll probably ever need for the next day and a half.

"I got all I need," Harry answers, using this statement as an excuse to stare playfully at me and wink. I roll my eyes as Astrid giggles at his blatant way of showing us his boyish charm.

"You've just been dying to say that, haven't you?" Astrid asks, punching him in the arm. "What am I supposed to do without you guys? I'm losing two-thirds of the three musketeers!"

"Blake," Harry laughs. "You should definitely do Blake."

"This is why we're friends," she laughs with him. "I like the way you think!"

I put my arms around her, engulfing her in a tight squeeze, to let them both know we have to leave. "You just be careful if you're---ya know. Gonna do--that." I stutter.

She laughs as she squeezes me tighter. "Just come home in one piece! And make sure you don't lose Paisley to one of those cute band members!"

Harry and I get in his car and I watch as Astrid stands in the parking lot waving at us, until we're out of view. I instantly take off my shoes to get comfortable for the six hour drive we have ahead of us and turn on the Five Seconds of Summer cd that's already in his cd player.

**

It's already been four hours into our six our road trip to San Francisco. We've just stopped for gas and took a few selfies of us road trippin' it together for the first time. We spent the last two hours singing along to the band we're going to photograph tonight, and arguing over which song was the best one. I say Catch Fire, but he says it's for sure Safety Pin. It's funny, the things you can bicker about when stuck in a car with someone. What's even better, is that I happen to love bickering with Harry, so this road trip is already a win in my books.

"So," he says, turning down the music. "I was wondering. Before you moved to Vancouver, where did you live?"

I find it odd that we've known each other now for a while and we've never had this simple conversation. I knew that he lived in Canada, but now that I think about it, other than that, I was pretty much in the dark when it came to his life before he came here. It's not hard to believe I don't know the small details of his past, because for the most part, the past is my least favorite subject. If I don't ask him about his, it's very likely he wont ask me about mine. Simple as that. "Victoria."

"Where in Vic?" he questions, raising his eyebrows.

"Oak Bay."

"Fairfield."

"What?" I cough, choking on nothing but the shock to my system.

It surprises me that he lived so close to me. That we're from the same city. I knew a lot of people when I lived there. Growing up there, I knew most everyone, no matter what school they went to. My friends and I were invited to most kids parties and we went to almost every single high school dance no matter what school it was held at. We were popular everywhere we went. And thinking back, I can't understand why I never crossed paths with Harry. Surely, there's no way I'd ever forget a face like his.

He laughs at my reaction. "We were practically neighbors! Who knew the world was so small?"

"No kidding--"

"We should road trip it home for Christmas together," he suggests. "Of course I'd drop you off in Vancouver before I went to the ferry, but it would be fun. What do you say?"

Home. For Christmas. Ugh. Although my Dad had moved since I cut ties with Ryan, he still lived in Vancouver, and the thought of even going back there made me nervous. I knew I'd have to for the holidays, and of course I want to see Dad, but I don't want to think about it just yet. "Can we not think about Christmas just yet? It's only November."

"But would you want to drive home with me?" he asks again, taking his eyes off the road to look at me.

"It sounds better than driving nineteen hours by myself, but I'm not going to promise anything. A lot could change between now and then."

The look on his face tells me he's not very satisfied with the way I answered. "What do you mean a lot could change? You make it sound like you think something bad is going to happen with us before then."

Okay. He sounds mad. That's just great. I've got Harry mad and I'm stuck in car with him, unable to get out. But for some reason my mouth opens again, much to my dismay. "Well, we don't exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to staying on the good side of things." And now I want to slap myself. Instead, I scrunch my face up, disappointed in myself for allowing words to come out. "I'm sorry. That's not what I mean." I blurt out, trying to take back my words as quickly as possible.

"Well then please, Paisley, enlighten me! Because I would love to hear what you really mean." He's not hiding the fact that he's mad. "And don't even think about lying, because we both know you're shit at it!"

I sink down in the seat, covering my face with my hands. How did it go from great to horrible in one second? I hate myself for being in this situation. And I really hate how when he yells at me, my heart starts racing and I feel nervous even to look at him.

"Is it really that hard to be honest with me?" he questions, loudly. "Clearly you're having doubts! Just explain so I know what the fuck you're thinking for once!"

"I don't want to fight with you while you're driving Harry!" I yell. "Yes, of course I have doubts! Can you really blame me? But we're not having this conversation while we're on the highway!"

He doesn't say anything until I realize he's found an exit and is driving off the highway to actually have this conversation that's making me feel sick just thinking about. If only I had kept my mouth shut. We would still be on the road, probably laughing, instead of parking in a gravel parking lot looking out into the ocean.

I watch as he gets out, slamming the door behind him and stands in front of the car crossing his arms, facing away from me. I don't want to get out and follow him, so I sit in the silence for a few minutes trying to calm my nerves.

I know we can't sit here for long. We do have a show we have to get to. I force myself out of the car to stand next to him, taking in the beauty before me.

"Just tell me the truth," he says, not looking at me.

I sigh trying to think of the right words to speak. It was so much easier in the car. Now I just feel like I'm under pressure and nothing wants to come out. "Can we please just get back in the car?" I ask, quietly.

"No, we're having this conversation before we go anywhere," he says, turning to me. "Since you wont talk, I will----Yes, I know I've fucked up before. And no, I don't blame you for having doubts about me because of it! But I've asked for you to trust me so many times, I don't understand why it's so hard for you to do that! Have I not shown you enough that you can trust me? Have I not given you enough reasons to see that I'm not going anywhere? Because dammit, Paisley! You are one of the most difficult girls I've ever met, confusing as hell, and you're all over the damn place, it's so fucking hard to keep up sometimes! But where is the one place that I want to be right now? With you! I don't know how to show you or tell you any differently that all I want is to be with you, always. But I've tried really hard to prove to you that you can trust me. Maybe now it's your turn to try harder. This can't be a one way thing we have going here. I can't be the only one trying. I can't. I'm sorry."

By this time, I'm full on crying. Hot tears steaming down my face, sniffling quietly so I don't let out a sob. "I am trying, Harry. And I'm so damn sorry that I'm so difficult and that you seem to have to put up with me. But believe it or not, I have to try so much harder than you do, and I honestly think you know that I do. I do trust you, more than I thought I would ever trust anyone! But I'm still an insecure girl with doubts." I allow myself a second to take a breath and wipe the tears off my face. "Do you know how hard it is knowing that I wont have sex with you, when I know you're used to getting it all the time? How easy it would be for you to just go and have sex with someone else because I'm not giving you that? I don't want to feel this way, but I do."

"So this is about sex?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows. "I told you already that I don't care about that! Please stop doubting me! I would never do that to you!"

"This isn't just about that, Harry," I sniffle. "It isn't really just about you either. This is about us as a whole. This is about me trying to get over--" Shit. "I'm just broken. And I'm slowly putting myself back together. So while I do this, I'm sorry if I continue to have doubts about---whatever we are."

He puts his arms around me tightly and I feel myself fall into him, unable to stop my tears. This is the most I've been honest with anyone since therapy, but this moment, right now, feels more real than anything and I feel more vulnerable than ever. I always wondered what it would be like to say the truth out loud to someone that I knew cared about me. And his reaction is exactly what I need.

"I'm broken too, love," he says, kissing my temple.

I look at him through watery eyes, as he wipes a tear from my cheek, trying to understand what he means. He's broken too? He never seemed broken in the slightest. But maybe it just means his pieces are shattered differently than mine, that he's damaged in a different way than I am, in a way that I don't understand, and I hadn't known because I don't know his way of being broken. All I know, is that somehow, eventually, we'll be able to put all of our pieces back where they belong, together.

A/N: First of all---2.3K reads!! Thank you so much for reading Karma and loving it! Your support over the last few days have been INCREDIBLE! I can't even thank you enough for how much love I've received because of this book! Every comment, every word I read, means so much to me! I love you! And I hope this chapter was good! I loved writing it!

Don't forget to press the star to help Karma grow! It's the small things! :P

Happy Halloween!

amberlove
xo

PS: There might be a reason Harry's favorite song from the Sounds Good Feels Good album is Safety Pin. Take a listen at the top and see if you know why!  :)