Me🤝use the story of my life to write a sad chapter because I don't know what to do during free time.

☾︎♫︎𝚂𝚊𝚙𝚗𝚊𝚙-𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚌;𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚏𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏;𝙽𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚢 𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐;𝕋𝕎:𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗,𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎,𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗♫︎☽︎

Have you ever wondered if the people you interact with really love you and care about you? Have you ever had the feeling that it was one-way? That only on your side was there commitment while the others didn't care?

This was what he was feeling right now as he reread the various conversations he had with his friends.

He was always the one to start a conversation with a "Good morning,how are you?" or a "Hey,did anything new happen today?" ; and the others responded,casually,telling him that they were always feeling bad and then complaining about it to him.

On one hand,he was happy that they felt comfortable enough to tell him what was going on in their lives,on the other......being constantly exposed to negativity didn't really help him.

Sometimes he wondered if there was something wrong with him. Maybe his life was too simple compared to others,or there was something wrong because he had never had to live with similar situation.

It was strange to give advice on desperate situations that he empathized with,but which he had never experienced.

However,people weren't a container in which to release their negativity,they couldn't live only on bad things,and there was necessarily something beautiful buried somewhere there.

The problem? Every time he talked to someone,all they did was talk about themselves and their problems. He was happy about it,but....but there was no one writing to him,starting the conversation,to ask him how he was. He was always the one to take the first step,not the other way around.

Did his friends ever care about him? Did they just see him as an object? An obvious presence to count on in their problems? Were his feelings even worth something?

It wasn't even as if his life was sunshine and rainbows! He too has problems and low moments! Maybe they weren't as serious or complex as those of his friends,but they were his.

Everyone experienced pain differently: if for some a slap was nothing,for others it could be the end of the world ; if for some insults could have been serious affronts,for others they could have been useless.
Everyone had their own different consideration of pain. Something small for someone could be something big for someone else,and vice versa.

No one was immune to the despair and pains of life. Nobody. Sooner or later they would all happen to all of us. Some people could handle them better than the others,some couldn't. It was how life is.

Unlike his friends,he kept everything inside,replying with "I'm fine","Everything's fine","Nothing much has happened these days".

Why you ask? Is simple. His friends were already subjected to so much mental stress from their own things,if he had told them about his about problems too,they would only have had more stress and guilt. And he certainly didn't want to make their situations worse.

So he kept quiet and pretended everything was fine all the time.
As far as it was worth it....

"Why do you keep hurting yourself like this? You can very well stop offering them this treatment,so they learn not to use you for every problem. My baby,you are too good for this cruel world"
His mother had told him when she had seen him down,and maybe crying too....

He wasn't a masochist,he didn't do it because he loved being in a painful and miserable position.

And he had never even been this good in his life. He was a calm and kind person as a child,but if he saw that something wasn't working he would get over it and move on. It was in his nature to not want to deal with people and situations that could become toxic.

He was doing all this for a totally different reason than his good nature.

When he was little...he had never had a good time at school. He was very shy and couldn't make friends easily. He was also excluded from the various events they had: birthdays,parties,invitations to friends' houses,group projects. Even if he was there,which was rare,the others forget about him and didn't think much of him.

"Sapnap,why don't you try playing with the other children? You see you will find some friends"
His teacher she asked him,while with her hand,she made him take a step forward towards the other children.

Sapnap looked around,already feeling tears in his eyes,as he anxiously played with his little hands. He wanted to go home. He wanted his mama.

(Un)luckily,a boy his age,with blue eyes and platinum blonde hair approached him.

"Hi! My name is Punz! What's your?"
He smiled and held out his hand,nd Sapnap looked at him for a couple of seconds before taking it gently.

"I'm Sapnap...nice to meet you"
He replied while the child seemed to get excited.

"We are gonna be good friends! I can already tell! Do you want to play with me?"
Punz asked him as he pointed to a small table with construction toys.

Sapnap nodded,giving a small smile,finally having found a friend.

Together they headed to those games and began to create a castle full of laughter and imagination.

Meeting Punz had initially been the best thing in the world. He had a friend to play and talk to and no longer felt alone. They were always together,where Punz went Sapnap followed.

But then... the situation changed.

"Punz? Where are you?"
Sapnap called as he walked down the hallway of the kindergarten.

He had just arrived,with his little backpack on his shoulder,happy to be able to spend another day with his best friend.

His voice attracted the attention of the teacher.

"Sapnap,if you're looking for Punz,he didn't come today because he felt sick."
The teacher said to him with a displeased expression as she took him to class with her hand.

Sapnap spent the rest of the day with the teachers,watching all the other children play,unable to feel connected to them.

It was at that moment that he understood that there would be no acceptable place for him in that class...

He missed Punz...he wanted to play with his friend,not feel alone and sad.

When Punz returned the next day,he spent all his time with another child,ignoring him.

Sapnap returned home with tears in his eyes as he cried like a mess in his mother's arms. No, he knew what he had done to make him ignore him like that, and if he had done something bad it wasn't his intention.

Why had he been left alone? He didn't want to be alone. Punz had never left him alone,so why....

"I'm so so sorry little one. You see,my son is a bit of a... moody person. He doesn't spend too much time with the same person. You didn't offend him or do anything to spite him,he isn't angry with you don't worry. Unfortunately this is how he is....I'm so sorry,I hope you didn't feel bad about this. I can't change him."
Punz's mother had explained,after his mother had contacted her to ask for explanations.

From that day on,Sapnap watched his friend,from afar,interacting with the other children forgetting about him.

He now spent his time at the table with some teachers and 2 other children who were special. He didn't know why or how one could become special,but they seemed good. Strangely,however,they were not even invited to play with the other children too.

The few times Punz remembered that he existed and invited him to play with him,Sapnap felt himself crying with happiness.

The situation was horrible if he felt above the clouds just because his only friend calculated him. He knew it wasn't Punz's fault,it was just his way of being,but damn it hurt.

It hurt him so much to have to suffer in silence for all those years. The situation had continued up to elementary and middle schools, where the same things happened.

They spent some time together and for the rest of the year he didn't count him,prefering to be with someone else. Not to mention his birthday parties.....that was the real hell.

"Good evening Mrs. Puffy!"
Sapnap greeted Punz's mother,happy to have arrived at his friend's birthday. In his hands there was a large red gift bag complete with bows and ribbons.

"Hey there Sapnap. This is Punz's gift? Thank you! You are so sweet. I'll put it with the others. Go ahead,the others are already in Punz's room."
The lady delicately took the gift and placed it on a table full of various other packages.

Above the table,a blue banner with the golden number "10" and several other hanging balloons decorated the room.

Sapnap looked around anxiously before gathering courage and climbing the stairs to his friend's room. He had been in that house so many times when they were little that he now remembered it by heart.

In front of the door he remained pondering his choices.

Was he right to come here? He had been invited but...maybe he could leave. It was worth it? Of course yes Sapanap,we are talking about your best friend,don't be stupid! You can do this! It's only a couple of hours.

Sapnap opened the door,revealing Punz inside the room sitting on the bed with another child,while there were 5 others sitting on the floor.

The children stared at him and Punz rose from the bed to welcome him.

"SAPNAP! I'm so so so so happy that you finally arrived! Come on,we're playing Simon's Says while we wait for the others."
Punz told him as he happily dragged him into the room making him sit,on the other side of him,on the bed.

"Hi! My name's Foolish! You are Punz other best friend right?"
The other child who was sitting on the bed with them introduced himself and offered his hand.

"Hi,I'm Sapnap"
He shook his hand as he smiled a little.

The pain in hearing that sentence was big. He remained in the past of when it was just the two of them...but he was aware that Punz had also made other friends. He went to sports and knew people form other classes,it was impossible that at this party it would only be the 2 of them like when they were in kindergarten.

The fact that he had another best friend besides him? He felt his heart breaking. A person could have more than one best friend?...Right?

Punz introduced the rest of the other children present,saying he had met them while playing football together,and all of them seemed very...united. Even though they had only known him for 2 years.

2 years and they seemed to have known each other their entire lives. And them,who had known each other since they were 3,barely spoke to each other. Sapnap felt his breath coming and tears threatened to fall.

"And now that the introductions have been made,let's continue playing. Simon's says....do a pirouette on yourself!"
And so the game resumed.

Sometimes it was Foolish who advised him what to say,and they were all having fun. Sapnap,however,couldn't feel like he was part of this. He felt alienated by their conversations,he didn't know any of these children and the only person he had come for hadn't calculated it for more than 5 minutes.

It had all become too much. It was too much,too much,too much! He was about to explode. He needed to breathe.

"Punz,I'm going to the bathroom for a moment"
"Ok,you know where it is"

Outside that room,once he entered the bathroom and closed the door,Sapnap began to cry.

He had been stupid to think that if he showed up at this birthday it would go differently than usual. Of course nothing would have changed! As with the others,it was always the same story. He had to stop hoping for a change.

He couldn't suffer like this anymore. He wanted to go home! Why did it have to end in tears every time?! Why?! What had he done wrong to deserve this?!

A knock knock on the bathroom door made him jump.
"....Punz?"
"Sapnap? Are you ok? You've been there for a long time. Everything is fine?"
Mrs. Puffy's gentle voice brutally destroyed his expectations.

Of course it couldn't be Punz.He had to surrender to this thought.

"Oh? Yeah...wait a moment...."
Sapnap quickly rubbed his eyes to avoid showing that he was crying.

"Here...."
Sapnap opened the door and found Mrs. Puffy inspecting him from head to toe.

"Little one,are you sure you are ok? You don't look very good...do you want me to call your mother to come pick you up?"
She asked him and Sapnap thought about the dilemma.

Staying here to suffer for Punz,trying to get into conversations he didn't understand about people he didn't even know continuing to suffer or being able to lie and say he's not feeling well and leave this hell?
The answer was now decided.

"Yes please...I don't think I feel ok. My stomach hurts..."
He lied as he touched his stomach in pain.

"Oh poor you little thing,go to the kitchen and wait for me there,I'll call your mother right away and she'll come get you. I'm going to warn Punz."
She said as she rubbed his hair and went upstairs.

Sapnap went to the kitchen waiting to finally get out of there. Shortly afterwards, however, quick footsteps were heard and Punz rushed to him followed by the others.

"Sapnap,Is it true that you don't feel well?"
He asked him worriedly.

"Oh? Yeah,I'm sorry. I didn't want to ruin your party..."
Sapnap apologized,inside he just wanted to leave so he could cry into his pillow at home.

"You don't need to apologize,it's fine. I'll save you a piece of cake for you when I see you again. Get well soon,okay?"
Sapnap nodded and watched as his friend was dragged by the other children,after they said goodbye to him.

5 minutes later his mother stood in front of Punz's front door,with a knowing look as she looked at him sadly.

The situation continued like this for a couple of years until he couldn't stand it anymore and tearfully begged his mother not to accept the invitation.
It hurt too much to be there just to suffer all that.

Every year it was the same horrible story. He couldn't be friends with anyone,he couldn't understand how to interact because they had different interests and it was so difficult to communicate. Even pretending to know something about the topic just so he could talk was difficult. It wasn't his fault he didn't care about sports or celebrities okay?

His anxiety had worsened and he cried at every small social interaction. At school he was still left out and no one talked to him much...unless...

"Hey Sapnap,do you have a pen to lend me?...Thanks! You are the best!"

"Sapnap,can you lend me your book so I can copy the exercises?...Thanks! You sure are a good friend!"

"Sapnap,can can you explain to me what this part of the page say? Today I have an exam....Thanks!"

"Sapnap can you lend me the crayons?"
"Sapnap do you have extra paper sheets?"
"Sapnap"
"Sapnap"
"Sapnap!"

People only interacted with him if they wanted something from him,whatever it was. He could only be able to feel part of a group if he was used. Which was pretty sad.

His whole life he had spent trying to feel part of a group and not be left out,and he could only 'fit in' if he was useful for the others. What a twist of fate.

And after those little interactions nothing changed anyway, everyone continued to leave him out. Each time it was worse. He no longer took part in any events because they would have ended up the same way.

The last straw was during a group project.

Sapnap looked around,analyzing the walls of that enormous house,he had been invited to Foolish's house.

He,Punz,Foolish and 2 other kids from their class had been grouped together by the art teacher to make a poster.

Yup,Foolish had transferred to their school and he even went to their same class. Sometimes they talked together,but he couldn't say he was that familiar with the boy.

They had decided to meet at his house,as it was the most spacious,and to decide what type of poster make.

Since it was supposed to be about a life lesson,something that would show younger children what is wrong and what isn't,they decided to make a little comic.

Sapnap loved to draw! It was one of the few things he found happiness in,lately. It would have been fun to be able to help them do something he was an expert at! He had even brought all different colors for the occasion!

"Let's go to the dining room,I have a huge table we can use. Sapnap, did you bring the colors right?"
Foolish took the white poster,still rolled up and closed with a spring,and they went down the stairs to the dining room.

"Yeah,they are here with me in the backpack"
Sapnap replied,happy to finally contribute.

"Perfect! Do any of you already have an idea?"
Foolish asked as he opened the door to the room where they would try to create their masterpiece.

"What do you think of images involving smoking? After all,it's bad for your health. We can draw a person who is smoking and then-"
And the preparation for their school project began.

The teacher would have evaluated them and in the end,the most beautiful one,it would have had the highest vote. To think that in middle school you put so much effort into a subject like art would make anyone laugh....

While the others spoke and began to organize spaces to draw with his tools,Sapnap began to listen to them,not sure when to speak or interact without interrupting them.

"Punz do you want to draw the first part? I'll do the second....third and fourth...which one do you two want to do?"
Foolish he asked,receiving short answers from their other classmates who were busy getting the pencils they needed.

Sapnap watched the boys in front of him get to work as if they had forgotten about him,as if he was invisible. Even if the things they were using weren't his.

He could already feel the tears pricking his eyes.

"Ok,it's all settled-"
"Wait,Foolish,and Sapnap? What do we make him do?"
Punz asked,causing the commotion to stop and look at him for a couple of seconds. One of them even seemed to have really forgotten he was even there.

From just this alone,Sapnap wanted to disappear from the face of the earth and cry until he had no more liquid in his body. Was he really that transparent for the others?!

"Sapnap,do you want to color it?"
The child nodded,receiving a smile from the others who continued doing what they were doing before.

Heart pounding,Sapnap left the table to get a glass of water,behind the stove was Foolish's mother.

"Hi dear,do you need anything?"
"Can I have a glass of water?"
"Of course,of course,wait a moment"
The kind mother took a bottle of water from the fridge and a glass. She filled the glass halfway and handed it to the child.

"Here you go"
"Thank you!"
Sapnap thank you before drinking.
Right now he needed to do anything that could distract him from his aching heart.

"You're welcome! How is the project going?"
Foolish's mother asked as she picked up the ladle from before and continued stirring the food in the pan.

"It's coming along well! We're just getting started...what are you cooking?"
Sapnap asked,not wanting to leave the kitchen.

He was able to feel more comfortable talking to adults than to children his age. Was he strange? Yes. But at least he knew how to pass the time when he was shamelessly excluded.

"This? Chicken for tonight's dinner,with a side of vegetables. My son doesn't like them that much,but you have to eat them to be healthy."
The lady explained,lifting the lid slightly to show him the food.

"Ohh. I like vegetables! My grandmother always cooks them for me when I go to eat at her place."
Sapnap replied enthusiastically.

Before he could say anything else,Punz entered the kitchen,looking for him.

"Sapnap! We're almost done drawing. Come, we have to color it,the others have already started"
Punz dragged him with his arm under the woman's amused gaze,while Sapnap couldn't help but let himself go to his fate.

When he saw the poster he almost couldn't believe it. It was...horribly bad. They wouldn't get a good grade with this one.

The drawings were confused and the man's shape could not be clearly seen,not to mention the crooked eyes (those were eyes right?) and the part where they had already colored. The colors had been used badly and there was white space between the various pigments,they even came out of the edges of the traced squares and overlapped on top of each other.

They had also chosen horrible colors.
Seriously,who drew a person only in brown? A kindergartner would have done better. And kindergarten children don't even know how to color.

If only they had asked him for help,or let him do it instead of let him do the simplest thing just out of pity (he had seen their looks when Punz had reminded him that he didn't have a task. Most likely they had seen that he was about to cry)......it would have turned out much better.

And they had almost finished coloring it too! There were very few and little blanks space left...

Sapnap bit his lip,picking up the blue crayon and coloring the border of the windows. Windows that were anything except straight. (Seriously,did they even use a ruler? What had happened to all that equipment he brought?! Did they even used it?!)

"I think we did a good job,the teacher will like it. We will get a high grade!"
One of them said, but Sapnap couldn't recognize the voice as he was too busy listening to his heartbeat.

Thump-thump.....thump-thump....

With these drawings they wouldn't even have been sufficient,everything was ruined! The only fun thing he liked to do,and that he hoped to do today to prove he wasn't useless,was ruined. Why? Because all they did was exclude him and leave him aside!

Sapnap rubbed the tears from his eyes as he switched to using yellow to color the sun.

Why was he surprised? This had always happened when she worked in a group. He was put aside, and only at the end did they remember him and give him the stupidest task there was.

He hated group work....

The mere fact that he found solace in talking to his 'friends' parents,rather than being with them,showed how horrible the situation was.

He hadn't spent the years well...everyone he knew abandoned him or used him and then ignored him.

This had made his life miserable.
It was so painful that he wanted to die to end it all.

And he had almost succeeded once.
It was during the summer when it happened.

He had received a message from Punz,after months of ignoring him,in which he had invited him to his house.

He jumped for joy and even started crying with happiness. Still,being so happy just for your 'best friend' to invite you to his house shouldn't be something good....

When he got there they had spent the day having fun,and Sapnap at one point had asked him a question. To this day,he doesn't remember what was going through his head at that moment, or why he did it. But the fact remains that he asked him about all of this situation.

"Why did you want to invite me?"
"Mhm? Oh! I was watching a video about cats and you came to my mind. You always say you want to buy a cat when you grow up. So yeah,I wanted to hung out with you"

Sapnap didn't want to displace the feelings he was feeling in that moment,however confusing and contradictory they were. It's what he asked him next that was the real problem.

"Punz,can I ask you another question?"
"Sure,tell me."
"Why do you always ignore me in class? We are seatmates but very often you do nothing but ignore me. But then you invite me to your house to be together. Why?"
"Eh? Sapnap are you ok? What are you even talking about?"

At that answer,Sapnap felt like he was dying inside.

He had had to watch his 'best friend' for years as he walked away from him to be friends with someone else,he had suffered in silence watching him,hoping that one day he might remember him.

His mother and Mrs. Puffy had reminded him several times that he shouldn't feel bad because his friend was lunatic,he couldn't stay with just one person for a long time and he had to change.

But he couldn't,he ended up crying every little time. Punz was his (first) best friend,the first person he had ever interacted with. He couldn't move forward and remained stuck in the past. In class he couldn't make friends,and the few he got close to turned out to be fake. And Punz didn't help his situation by making him feel like he was on edge. All this was mentally exhausting,his mental health was not in a good place.

A few days later he found himself in his kitchen,his mother having gone out shopping while his father was at work,holding a knife.

Over the course of those 13 years he had contemplated several times whether it was really worth it. Live. Especially with this pain that he was growing more and more.

Was he really important to anyone? Was there anyone who cared about him? Would anyone miss him? Would Punz miss him?

These were the doubts he had in his head as he pointed the knife at his chest,his face emotionless.

One blow and then it would all be over,he just had to sink the blade into his skin and then it would all be over. He could live in peace. Finally.

Sapnap brought the knife close to his chest,ready to plunge it in and...and-

"If I do this Punz will remain alone...."
Once again,his thoughts turned to his best friend,who had brought him only pain and despair in this life.

But was it really worth throwing it all away?...was it?

Tears began to stream down his face as he fell to the ground shaking with the knife in his hands.

What the fuck was he trying to do?! It wasn't like him...not....

Sapnap glanced at the knife briefly before dropping it to the ground as if it burned.

He ran out of the kitchen and locked himself in his room, not trusting his mind at the moment,crying hysterically and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Sapnap no longer remembered anything after that accident,he was just glad that his parents hadn't discovered anything. But at that moment he decided that he had to preserve his health and put himself above others. If he hadn't taken a step forward to save himself,he would have died.

Only a few years later did he consider that perhaps Punz could be more than a friend, and that perhaps he wasn't just suffering because of their friendship.

But some things were better not brought to light ever again.

The reason he was so kind to others was because he knew how shitty the world was. And Sapnap didn't want anyone else to be in the same situation as his.

Alone,scared,and in a bad place. His mind still sometimes continued to be his enemy...

He had decided to continue moving forward and try to put his friends at ease so they wouldn't have the same problems.

A past like his... he wouldn't even wish it on his worst enemy.

But it was also a response to all the trauma he'd experienced.

The world had taught him that he was part of a society only if he was exploited to the point of bloodshed. People didn't want him as a friend,they didn't want him for being himself,they just need someone to rest their emotional weight.

And as toxic and sad as it was,Sapnap was willing to suffer all that just to feel integrated.

Still.....it hurt to see that no one was wondering what happened to him after a week of not communicating.

The messages continued to arrive,now the phone's lock screen was full: messages from his friends and classmates filled the room with vibrations,as he had removed the notification ringtone.

Sapnap continued to remain mobile on the bed,under him the blood spread more and more. In his hand,a knife with a bloody metal blade.

A calm and peaceful smile spread across his face,as his eyes began to become unfocused.

This time no one would stop him from ending his suffering. Not even his 'friends'.