( @Yandere4myOTP requested: Dirkquius)

DAVE: this is another jesus chapter
DAVE: jesus please help me. please please please help me
DAVE: an open letter to jesus; please help me

KARKAT: AGAIN, DAVE ENCOUNTERED GROSS SMUT OF HIS FAMILY. AND I LOOKED OVER HIS SHOULDER TO SEE HIS BROTHER BEING RAMMED BY MY FRIEND.
KARKAT: NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKING THREW UP AND CRIED IN A CORNER.

KARKAT: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. DAVE AND I HAVE TO CO-JUDGE A SHIP.

DAVE: its been so long duds
DAVE: i feel like were new people now
DAVE: i feel fresh.
DAVE: i wanna start.

KARKAT: BE MY GUEST.

DAVE: dirk is problematic and toxic.
DAVE: psyche.
DAVE: hes problematic and not ready for a relationship.
DAVE: to be blunt, he sucks at relationships.
DAVE: his first and last one only happened cause he manipulated the dude into going out with him then he was so clingy that it fucked everyone up AND he just made everyone feel like shit over the whole thing. it ruined him and his friendships.
DAVE: thankfully tho, hes fixing everything with everyone. he isnt ready for a relationship yet tho. with anyone. he needs to better himself before he attempts that, he needs to put other peoples feelings before his own THEN he can think about it. the reason i say that is because when he only thinks of himself then he gets manipulative and doesnt stop until he gets what he wants.

KARKAT: I DEFINITELY AGREE WITH THAT.
KARKAT: NOW ONTO EQUIUS.
KARKAT: LET'S BE HONEST, EQUIUS SUCKS ASS. HE'S KIND OF THE SAME. HE WANTED ARADIA AND HE GOT HER...AFTER HE NEARLY FORCED HER TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. THAT SHIT IS EXACTLY WHY HE JUST CAN'T BE IN RELATIONSHIPS. THAT AND HIS GOD COMPLEX DUE TO HIS HIGH ASS BLOOD COLOR. HE'D BE TOO MUCH OF A DICK TO BE AROUND UNLESS YOU'RE HIS MOIRAIL.
KARKAT: NOW *MAYBE* NEPETA CAN LIKE, TRAIN HIM TO NOT BE A DICK AND JUST WOO PEOPLE NATURALLY INSTEAD LF FORCING THEM INTO IT BUT THAT IS REALLY THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEE HIM IN A RELATIONSHIP. BESIDES THAT HE WILL DIE ALONE AND SAD.
KARKAT: NOW PUT DIRK AND EQUIUS TOGETHER AND IT'S LIKE GIVING A TORNADO FIRE AND CHAINSAWS. IT'S BAD AND DANGEROUS.
KARKAT: THEY WOULD TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN SO MUCH THAT THEIR MUTUAL LOVE FOR ROBOTS AND HORSES WOULD BE LIKE DUST IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. THEY WOULD NOT WORK AND IT'D BE A BAD MESS TO CLEAN UP AFTERWARDS SINCE NEITHER OF THEM REALLY KNOW HOW GO LET GO.

DAVE: but hey
DAVE: at least they can be weird work out buddies that lift horses and build robots that find them more horses to lift.