Diary Entry #28

Today started as a normal day. The same routine took place as always. Some days the routine changes in a good way, or bad way. The routine, the schedule we keep on the ghost keeps us all organized. Not everyone has the same routine. Ours is not very similar to most because we have missions and battles with the Empire.

But in some way, our routine could be just like everyone else's.

The reason I am mentioning our routine, on this random day, is because something so off, so confusing, so frustrating could happen in a second that could break that routine.

For just one day. One day could be the only day, we all hope is the only day, the routine goes off balance. It is hard to notice when it could occur, or even how.

But there is no turning back after the day that could be so amazing and the most memorable, to being so painful and hard to forget.

-Ezra

1 hours ago.......

Ezra's pov

I groan after hearing Hera telling us to wake up. I had a pretty restless night with Zeb's snores. Last night was the worst because we had a long mission that took its toll on all of us.

It is 6:30 in the morning. We usually have to wake up at 8 for any missions. I do not know why Hera is torturing us by waking up so early.

I managed to get off my bunk, even though it was not easy. I looked back at my messed up blankets and sheets. My pillow was hidden under the pile of blankets. It is a chore to make our bunks after sleeping on it, but I am too tired to even consider doing it now. I will do it after Hera tells us why she woke us up at this time.

When I entered the common room, everyone was already in there looking like they might fall asleep on the table.

"All I could say is, why Hera? It is too early." Sabine says yawning in between her words.

"Couldn't agree more with Sabine. I don't even remember getting out off my bunk." Zeb says.

"Enough guys. I just found out we ran out of most of our food supplies. I am going to need Zeb, Sabine and Ezra to go on the supply run." Hera tells us.

"Ok......why couldn't you just tell us at 8?" I ask confused.

"Because today is a very special sales day and since we did so well with our mission yesterday, you guys could get something for yourselves." Hera says.

We all lit up, excited to to get something new. We never get to just buy something we like because of our low amount of credits. Everyone was happy with this, well except for Kanan.

"Why can't I go too?" He asks in a grumpy attitude. That is strange. He never talks like that. He must be the most tired out of all of us.

"Sorry love. I need you here, helping me sort out the repairing bills. We are still behind paying them." Hera tells him.

"But then why are we sending them out to spend all our credits when we need them for the bills?"

What is he doing? Now he is preventing us from going out? There is something wrong here.

"I never said we couldn't pay the bills. I said our mission was a success and we got a whole year worth of credits, so I thought they should get something they want for a change." Hera says getting angry.

"Uh Zeb? Do you know what's going on?" I whisper.

"No clue, kid." Zeb whispers back.

"You know what? I am done arguing with you. I'll be in the control room." Hera says and storms off.

"Um Kanan? What was that for?" Sabine asks.

He shakes his head. "Just make sure you guys make your bunks before you go so Hera won't get more mad."

"I already did."

"Me too."

Everyone did except for me. I guess no matter how tired they were, they still made their bunks. Now that I am thinking about this, why did Hera give us a chore to make our bunks? It is not like we need our ship to look presentable to anyone. Well it is her ship so I cannot really go on with my argument that we should not have to make our bunks.

"Did you make yours Kanan?" I ask him. If someone did not do their chore like me, I will have someone to argue with about it. An alliance, if that is the right word for it.

He gives me a cold look. "I'm paying the bills for the ship. I don't need to make my bunk."

All of us go silent. I am guessing he did not then. Something is really wrong here. Kanan's attitude is at a very odd point where it has us all questioning what is going on with him.

I look at Sabine who just shook her head and left the room to get ready for the supply run.

"Hey, you ok mate?" Zeb asks him.

"Yeah I'm fine. All I said was that I don't need to make my bunk. You guys could do it." He says and sits down.

That made me kinda angry. Hera does the same thing for the Ghost, she pays the bills too. She never tells us to make her bunk. I do not know what is going on with Kanan, but I am starting to get frustrated over it.

"Why should we have to make your bunk?" I ask.

"Did you just say why should you have to make my bunk?" Kanan asks. I could feel his anger too.

"Well....yeah. Hera does the same-"

"Say that again." He snaps and jumps to his feet. "Say you shouldn't make my bunk."

That was when all my anger gets replaced with fear. "Woah Kanan, don't get so mad over this."

"Just say it again. I want to hear you say it again." He says coming closer to me.

"I just.....I......" I did not know what to say. I was getting so afraid of what would come next. Maybe a punch, slap in the face, or more arguing.

"Did you make your bunk?" He asks.

"N-no but-"

"Then go make it. You wanna talk back to me, now you stay here. No supply run."

My jaw drops. "But Kanan-"

"If you don't do it now, not only you won't go, but Zeb and Sabine won't go either."

I froze there. Part of me wanted to run, hide in a corner. But I just stood there afraid.

"Kid, just go make your bunk." I hear Zeb say. I could tell he did not know what to do either. But he really wanted to go out on the supply run.

I then quickly rush to my room and make my bunk in a second. I was so afraid, I went into Kanan's room to make his bunk too so he would leave me alone.

I was tempted to cry, but I did not want to show weakness.

What is going on with Kanan? He would never act like that towards me. He sure got me scared. But really, he could have made his bunk by himself.

I was about to leave, till my eyes spotted on something that changed everything.

Not one, but five beer bottles.

No wonder why he is acting like this. He must have been drinking all night.

"Oh no...." I mutter.

Hera is going to kill him. She has told us all how Kanan used to be an alcoholic, but was forced to stop drinking. She forbid him from even looking at another drink.

I went into my room and sat on Zeb's lower bunk. Today was not suppose to be like this. We had a very successful mission yesterday, and I was going to buy new upgrades for my slingshot. Now I am stuck here with my drunk master. That was definitely not how today's routine was suppose to turn out.

Suddenly, my journal on my desk was calling to me. I have not written in it in awhile. I call it a journal so Zeb would not read it, well I hope that stops him from reading it.

I look at it again. You know what, why not? Today was not a very good day.

Kanan's pov

After Sabine and Zeb left for the supply run, I went into the control room to help Hera with the bills. On my way there, I kept losing balance and bumping into the walls. I do not even remember how many beers I drank last night. I cannot even wrap my mind around the thought of how I got the beers.

I sat next to Hera, both of us not making a sound. I could tell she was angry at me. I do not even remember what I said that made her get mad at me.

"Did they all leave yet? For the supply run?" Hera asks breaking the silence.

I nod, but that makes me feel a little dizzy. "Yeah Zeb and Sabine went a few minutes ago."

She nods too. But then she suddenly gets confused. "Wait, only Sabine and Zeb? Ezra didn't go too?"

Why did Ezra not go again? I try to get myself to remember what happened. I suddenly feel anger towards him, thinking back at him talking back to me. It was a fuzzy memory, but if it got me angry, he must have done something wrong.

"I told him not to go." I finally say. That did not make Hera the slightest bit understand the situation.

"What? Why would you tell him not to go? What could he have done to-"

She suddenly notices my unfocused gaze towards her. My eyes have been glassy from the moment I tasted the beer.

"Kanan......." She says in a warning tone. "You haven't been drinking right?"

Even drunk, I know that voice meant I was in trouble.

"Only a few......" I nervously chuckle.

I could not really comprehend the look on her face. I did not really know if she wanted to yell at me or just curse me out of the Ghost.

But she just sighs. "You were drunk this whole time?Even with the kids.....you should rest. I'll take care of the bills."

It was like my mind was playing a trick on me. Was Hera really not mad about this?

"I'll kill you when you're sober." Hera says, serious.

That makes more sense. I get up wobbly at first, and walk to my room. I thought Hera would have helped me get to my cabin, if she was not so mad.

I could tell my mind was getting clear again. Everything around me was muffled a few hours ago, but now all my senses are coming back.

I was about to walk into my room, till I heard a voice coming from the other room. At first I thought my mind was not so clear after all, making me hear things. But then I recognized the voice. It was Ezra's.

I step closer to his door, trying to listen to what he is saying.

".........something so off, so confusing, so frustrating could happen in a second that could break that routine."

I was confused on what Ezra meant by that. I put my ear towards the door and continue to listen.

"But there is no turning back after the day that could be so amazing and the most memorable, to being so painful and......."

Ezra stopped talking. I could not hear him anymore. I go even closer to the door, basically leaning against it, trying to hear more. I wanted to understand Ezra's words. He was trying to say something, trying to make a point, but I just could not put it together.

All of a sudden, the door opens. Sending me to the floor, in Ezra's room. I felt a spike of pain towards my knees making me groan.

"Kanan?"

I look up to see Ezra with a book or something in his hand standing in front of me with confusion and maybe even fear.

"What were you doing out there?" He asks me trying to hide his book.

"I was.....listening to what you were saying." I stood up and looked at Ezra.

He seemed different now. In the morning, he was like a blurred figure, just like everyone else. It made me feel anger towards him. The words he said to me, felt like they were purposely meant to hurt me, frustrate me.

Now though, there was no anger, no frustration. Just......Ezra. I could now see his electric blue eyes staring at me with concern. Through our bond, I could finally feel him again. His emotions were in conflict of fear and hate. I was not able to feel that before........when I got mad at him.

"Uh......Kanan?" Ezra waves a hand in front of me. "You're zoning out."

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" I blurt out.

"What?"

"When I got mad at you, I didn't hurt you right? At least not physically." I say. The memory still was not clear. I want to make sure I did not do any real damage to him.

"Oh! No I'm fine, really." He says.

I could tell the question through him off a little. For one moment, I came to the thought that Ezra was expecting me to come in his room and hurt him physically.

"I'm sorry if I made you upset." I apologize.

Ezra shakes his head. "You didn't......I mean yeah I was confused and all but it was stupid, our argument about making bunks."

"It probably was stupid. I wasn't thinking right because-"

"You have been drinking?"

I look at him confused on how he knew. He just sighs.

"I saw the beers in your room.......when I made your bunk." Ezra says and sat down on his bunk.

I nod and sit beside him. "You didn't have to make my bunk."

"It's fine. I just......didn't know what to expect if I didn't make it." He says and looks down.

This time, it did not take me a few minutes to understand what he meant. I immediately understood.

"Ezra, you know I'm not like that. I don't just lash out on anyone and beat them up, especially not to you." I say.

"Well you weren't yourself today. You kinda did snap at me, but not the lashing out part. At least......I thought you would, later on." Ezra says.

"Why would you ever think that?" I ask almost disappointed he would think I would ever do something like that to him.

"Because my dad used to do it when he was drinking....." Ezra's eyes widen, realizing what he told me and shot up. He put his hand to his mouth.

My eyes widen too with disbelief. I stood up with Ezra and patiently waited for him to continue. Soon enough, he did.

"I never told anyone this......but my dad was an alcoholic. He would come home drunk all the time. Every time he saw me, he always asked if I did his and my chores. If I didn't......he would beat me." He rolled up his sleeve to show me his bruises.

"They should have gone away by now. I usually did my chores so there was not much." He tells me.

My blood went cold. I gently ran my fingers over the scars and bruises. Ezra let me do this. He just stood there emotionless.

"I'm sorry this had to happen to you." I say, almost in a whisper.

He pulls his arm away. "No, I'm sorry this took a dark turn. You could go now and sleep or something."

"We don't have to talk about it any more, if that's what you want. But I want you to know I'm not like that. I would never hurt you." I say.

I could see tears forming in his eyes. He tries his best to hide them by covering his face with his hands.

"I want to believe that." His voice cracks. "But it's not like you could control what you do when you're drunk-"

"I won't get drunk again." I say. "Last night I slipped. I was doing really well too. But not again, I won't drink again. If it really affects you."

He moves his hands away from his face and looks at me. "But what if next time-"

"There won't be a next time." I say confidently.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He nods and makes a small laugh.

"I thought today I would get new upgrades for my slingshot." Ezra laughs. "Didn't expect this to happen."

I suddenly felt guilt, remembering when I ordered him to stay on the Ghost.

"Sorry I made you stay here." I say.

"There'll be another time." He says. "It's ok."

I wanted to apologize again, say something else to make up for what I have done to ruin his day. But then, I suddenly felt the urge to ask him a question.

"What were you saying before? You know, when you found me outside listening. What was it?" I ask him.

His eyes widen. "Oh.....um....I wrote an entry about....what happened. Well not exactly what happened, but just the day in general. And I usually always read them out loud when I'm done, so...."

I nod. "Can I read it?"

"Absolutely not."

I smile and chuckle a little, totally expecting him to turn me down. He hears me laughing and tries to sound serious.

"I mean it Kanan. Don't you dare go near my dia.....I mean journal." Ezra says.

I laugh even harder and finally see Ezra crack a smile.

"Alright, you could stop laughing now."

I still keep laughing.

"Kanan I actually mean it. You don't want to throw up later from the beers and excessive laughing."

I stop laughing.

"Good choice."

My stomach suddenly feels like it was shocked a million times. I grunt and throw my arms around my stomach trying to ease the pain. That is when I felt something hot rise up my throat and I quickly cover my mouth. Ezra stares at me with a scared expression, already knowing what's coming.

"Oh no......too late."