It feels better with you.

****

Stars– shimmering, shining, floating in the midnight sky. Quietude, all around. Owls hooting, leaves rustling, and the fresh fragrance of a rain-loved soil. The scorching heat after a betraying shower.

She twisted and turned in her bed. The weather was humid. The fabric stuck to her sweaty body. If only someone would fan her. She needed some coolness. Something cold and icy, much like his distant gaze.

Just as she wished, a gentle breeze served her some relief. Opening her eyes, she saw him smile at her. Beads of perspiration dotted his forehead. "Does it make you feel better?"

"It does."

"My little one should think of undressing," he smirked, "for the sake of comfort, of course."

Many had told her he was a bad man. A warrior so brutal and bloodthirsty like him could never be a loving husband. They didn't behold this pleasant sight of him. She raised her arm and caressed his toned chest, and he bent down to kiss her forehead.

Her eyes fluttered open. Indeed, this was a rather flushed night, turning bodies pink in heat.

"It was a dream."

Indumala touched her crown. There was a moist imprint on it, as if she were kissed by someone.

By Rudra. It was him.

Indumala stretched her limbs and turned to the side. Finally she saw something that wasn't scary or about death. Surprisingly, it was about love.

"I am really so into him that I saw him as my husband?" She laughed. "I am crazy."

Although, she couldn't deny, it felt so real. She could almost touch him and feel his breath. He looked different too– with longer hair tied in a ponytail. It gave him a more feminine look. At present, his appearance was edgy.

She wondered what he could be doing now. It was almost dawn, but her sleep broken, she decided to not go back to bed. Instead, she went to the garden.

Walking amidst bushes of marigolds and pink peonies, she relished the phantom kiss. They had kissed in the bathhouse that day, but as lovers only. In the dream, it was more intimate– they were married.

But...wait.

Indumala had missed the detail.

"He wasn't a Rajan in my dream. He was a warrior."

Perhaps there was a time when Rudra wasn't a Rajan, when he was a human.

Indumala smiled. Often reality felt like a mirage. The past and the present united in such a fluid manner, so effortlessly, that she lost track of what to consider as her true experience. For once, it didn't frighten her. Maybe because she saw a glimpse of him in what was already dead.

But Petra is not dead, he had proclaimed with much defiance.

She found the former lover of the burnt girl sitting on a bench. He was staring up at the moon ruefully. The faint glimmer of happiness rippled in the shadows. It was there, like a naive wish, not knowing if ever it would blossom as proudly as a sunflower in the aftermath of a storm.

Things were falling into place. Indumala's feet curled inwards. If she would let her courage dwindle even a little, the curses and spirits would feast on her fears.

With a lot of hope she went up to Rudra. "I can't sleep."

There was no shock painted on his face, as if he were expecting her soon. Did his thoughts wake her up and pull her here? Indumala gulped. After all, he was an immortal man, beyond the idiosyncrasies of an ordinary human. If he willed, he would resurrect the dead.

The breeze suddenly tasted too salty, too sandy. Then, became coarse, rubbing against her soft skin like heartless ashes. She could smell palaces and kingdoms being put on fire, forests ablaze, the sky polluted by smoke.

He took her palm, tracing the layer of skin that was peeling off. "The rigorous training has affected you a lot. Not just physically, but emotionally too."

She scooted closer to him. Rudra gently kissed her hands, whispering prayers for her to heal. "Are you taking the concoctions the doctor prescribed?" He froze upon seeing tears stream down her pretty face. He caressed her cheeks, letting the river of sorrow find a way through the gap between his fingers. "You are afraid."

"Not really. At this moment the war doesn't plague me."

"Then, what does?"

Possessed by the magic of the dream, Indumala placed her hand on his chest, adoring him while her vision turned hazy behind a veil of tears. Rudra heaved a sigh, leaning towards her. He wanted to feel more and have more of her. The wolf's hunger never died. Although, he would not blame the creature he had become. Had he been a complete human, even then he would have craved for this affectionate contact.

He kept his uttariya to the side and opened the thick chain of gold from around his neck. "I want you to feel every part of my skin. Please."

Indumala ran a thumb over his collarbone as he wrapped his arms around her waist. They embraced, his face lost in the maze of her fragrant tresses. He was hot to touch. Indumala blushed, a grin parting her lips. "I set you on fire."

"I wish you had. I really wish, then we could have fled together for the other side."

Her head swayed and breaths hitched.
She nudged his neck. "You have hidden things from me. You haven't told me about your past."

"I am scared of scarring you. What if you slip away?"

"Do you really believe so?"

"I don't want to, but it always gnaws at me. I am a monster. I might end up hurting you. It took me a lot of strength to pursue this love."

"You had said that you loved me for a condition, for a sign."

Rudra mumbled a yes.

"Say, it never came. Would you have left me?"

His fingers left an impression on her back. They pressed on her birthmark, kindly, his raspy breath making her shiver. "You have questions, I see."

"It's fated."

"You ask me, if I would have not loved you had the sign not guided me to. Perhaps I would have rebelled against my feelings. Perhaps I would have tried to hurt you to distance yourself from me. I was doing that, in a way." Rudra grabbed locks of her hair, entangling his fingers in them. "How long would have I gone through this turmoil? One day, I would have given in, though maybe by then you would have grown afar because of my cruel deeds."

"Loving would have felt like a sin."

Rudra winced. She was right. "I am sorry if my love is imperfect."

Indumala freed herself from the cocoon and blowed her nose. "If all this turns out to be a lie, an illusion," her voice was quiet and cracked, "will you give up on me?"

"No." Rudra hadn't imagined the answer would come out so desperately. He brought her arms around his shoulders. "I am too deep into this. Don't tell me to quit. It will kill me."

"Why do I love you? I wonder..." Her hands hung loosely over his torso. "You have been said to be unlovable. Were you always such?"

"Sadly, yes."

Her eyes shut half. "You were married before, weren't you?"

Rudra's pupils enlarged. He looked down at her lap drenched in her cries. A fresh pair of drops fell over the tiny pool, and her lips quivered along with the melodic trickling.

"I will tell you everything."

"When?"

"After the war."

"What if I die?"

"Indu!" He shushed her. "Don't be so cruel. Death might mean nothing to you, but it means a lot to me. Your death can kill this immortal."

"I am not angry that you loved someone before me. Your life has been older than mine. You have seen more things than me and known the world for longer. It pricks me that you refuse to trust me."

"I am wary of causing you grief."

"Know that by hiding, you cause me greater."

Each word unspoken dangled down the air, growing heavier at the remembrance of every broken promise. "You think I love you because you fulfill a requirement. Is it so?"

Indumala frowned. "Hmm."

Rudra wished he could whip himself with a red-hot iron chain. But she would be pained at such a sight. Why was he so mad and insane?

Because of her. It was her sweet unblemished loyalty that caused him agony. And wasn't it the best path to redemption? He would cross the nine realms for her and destroy every life if that meant giving her a moment more to live.

"Spare me some time, Indu, and listen to what I have to say."

She merely nodded. The dawn tore apart the onyx sky and bled in a scarlet fountain. The sun showered on her lovely face a divine glow. Her glassy eyes scintillated like a pair of jaspers.

"Look at it differently– I love you however you are. External attributes don't tempt me. Neither do words that work like balm on my wounds, nor promises of wealth. What matters to me is the soul. It was my stubbornness that I denied my intuition, which had since our very first meeting trumpeted– you are the one. It was my incapability, my wavering faith that made your life hard. But Indumala, I love you for what you are. It won't dim my affections even a little bit if someday you change, physically or emotionally."

For long had his forlorn heart guarded itself inside a fortress. Now, the walls had to break.

"I love you like my god, my only god," he whispered over her lips. "I would love you in a man, in a woman, in stone or sea. But, I will love you. I love you."

"Di-did you say you love me?"

"Not for the first time in my life." His eyes twinkled. "I have confessed earlier too." You don't remember, do you?

"You used to have longer hair," she blurted, face warmed and crimsoned.

Rudra froze, taken aback by the fact that she did remember something. "You want me to do it again?"

"If you wish. I know, not everything can be like the past. Even I am not what I used to be once."

"As I said, it doesn't matter. I will hold you in darkness and light. Because you belong to me."

"I grew up thinking I would have to be all alone spiritually." She chuckled. "I didn't expect so much. It's overwhelming."

Like I never fully expected to meet you again. "If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask me."

"Give me some time."

A butterfly landed on their clasped hands. Both leant to see it closer, their foreheads hitting in the rush. Rudra wheezed, causing the butterfly to trail away.

"Tomorrow, we will be heading for the battlefield. All the way to Revat shall we sail," he said.

Indumala clenched her fist.

Wind, like nature's wandering bard, danced through the foliage. Each gust carried a secret slowly awakening, a sanguine taste of love reviving. Indumala had a lot to fathom, but with dear Rudra beside her, the burden lessened.

She was to move ahead in the future while unlocking the mysteries of the past.