CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
[35]

song: loveless by lo moon

THE STILLNESS OF THE AIR seemed to suck even the sound of Daisy's footfalls into the nothingness of the school hallway. No one really spoke to each other, as if they were tense with nerves for what has happened. She could describe it as creepy, but eerie was closer to it.

Daisy looked around cautiously, examining people's faces. They either looked like they'd been crying, or they were scared— of what they didn't know.

She passed by a mural that covered Carol's locker. Her school photo hung on a nice frame on the door, and flowers, letters and cheer pom poms huddled around it. Daisy inhales sharply, averting her eyes as she walked past it to her locker.

She opened it up with shaky hands, making it almost impossible to put her combination in. She reached in and grabbed her book for first period.

"Hey." Jen said softly, Daisy turned to her, unexpectedly.

Daisy was surprised she was even talking to her in the first place, let alone approaching her. "Hi." Daisy responds.

"How are you doing?" She asks. She didn't sound like she really wanted to talk, but felt like she was obligated to.

"I'm okay." Daisy shrugs it off.

"That's good." Jen nods a bit. "I know you and Carol used to be close when you were kids."

Daisy swallowed harshly. "Yeah." She let out.

Jen thinks for a second, glancing around awkwardly before speaking. "I guess you'll sit by us at lunch today?" Jen asks.

Daisy narrowed her eyebrows at her, not sure where she would've gotten the idea that she wouldn't sit with Kai— but she didn't question it, because she didn't want to sit with him. "Yeah." Daisy nodded awkwardly.

"Okay." Jen nods, smiling faintly. She lingered awkwardly a bit, almost like she was going to say something else, but she just turned and went to class.

Daisy shut her locker, unavoidably walking towards her first class of the day, completely unprepared to see Kai, let alone talk to him. She stared down at the ground as she entered the class, avoiding any and all eye contact with everyone before she sat down at her seat in the back.

She said her books down on the table, not daring to lift up her to face him. But her eyes drifted over to the floor at his seat, and she realized there was nobody sat there. The bell rang, and she looked up at his empty seat, letting out a sigh of relief, but also wondering why he wasn't there.

"No Kai today?" Mrs. Wallace asked, raising her eyebrows as she scanned the classroom. She glanced to Daisy. "Is he late or should I just mark him absent?"

Daisy shrugged. "I don't know where he is." She said, earning a few glances from other students.

Mrs. Wallace sighs, looking out from the top of her glasses and writing something down on her clipboard, before setting it down and walking to the chalkboard to begin the lesson.

Daisy's eyes drift over to Kai's seat, part of her glad he wasn't there, the other part wishing he was so she could just hear his voice again.

—

Daisy approached Jen and Josette's lunch table, where she used to sit before her and Kai started dating. She swallowed harshly, before stopping in front of it and looking at them, not needing to say anything. Josette glanced up at her with slightly surprised eyes, before glancing to Jen and scooting over a little bit with her lunch.

Daisy sat down beside Josette with an awkward smile, she inhaled sharply and glanced at both of them. "Are you going to the memorial after sixth period?" Jen asks.

"Yeah, I guess." Daisy nods a bit, Josette watches her cautiously as she spoke.

"Sit with us, we're meeting outside the library." Jen says.

Daisy smiles faintly. "Thanks."

Josette turned to her food and retorts her eyes from Daisy, not sure what to say to her. She bounced her leg under the table nervously, uncomfortable with the situation she'd been put in.

"Is Kai not here today?" Daisy asks.

Josette glances up, looking at Daisy confusedly. "He didn't tell you?"

Daisy looked back at Josette just as confused. "Tell me what?" She asked.

Josette glanced at Jen and back to Daisy. "He's staying in San Francisco with our cousins for a while."

Daisy felt a hole cave in her stomach. "What?" She was taken back. "How long is a while?!"

Josette shrugs and shakes her head. "I don't know."

Daisy's eyes grew concerned as she looked over to where he usually sat at lunch, to see an empty seat. She swallowed and turned back to her food, shaking her head a bit. "No, he didn't tell me." She let out, disappointedly.

"Are you guys okay?" Jen says, taking a bite from the pizza on her plate.

Daisy looks up at Jen quickly, then relaxes when she realized she was just asking a casual question. "Yeah— yeah, we're fine. I guess." She says, clearly trying to think as she spoke. "We're kind of on a break right now." She shrugged. It wasn't the official term of where their relationship stood right now, but not talking to each other for over three weeks sounded very much like a break.

—

The gym bleachers were flooded with quiet students, who sat amongst their friends and listened to the principal commemorate the students that have died this past year. Framed pictures of Jenna, Tommy, and Carol sat on stands on the floor of the gym. Buckets of flowers sat around them.

"Jenna Silvey, Tommy Joseph and Carol Lawrence, we're all extremely talented, hard working, and great students at Wayward high." The principal continued. "And today, we get to commemorate and remember their impact on our school." He says, "Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Charles Joseph to the stand to celebrate their son's life."

Daisy's heart thudded against her chest, so hard she wouldn't be surprised if Jen and Josette heard it pounding as they sat beside her. The students didn't clap as Tommy's parents walked up to the stand, already crying.

Daisy couldn't even look at them, her eyes wandered over to the photo of Tommy that hung beside him. "Thomas was our only child." His mother spoke, with a shaky voice. Daisy stared at his picture as she spoke, a knot growing in her throat. He had the goofiest smile, but it was cute. His hair was a little tussled, but that's the way he liked it. "After my doctor had told me I was infertile, I became pregnant with Thomas a month later." She inhaled sharply, holding back tears. "He was a miracle in our little family. He was a strong, goofy kid. Who loved to play sports, and fish and hunt with his dad, and he loved to help cook and read with me." Her voice shook at the end of the sentence, and she took a step back from the stand to take a breath.

Daisy didn't even realize she was crying until a tear fell down from her cheek, she sniffled a bit, and felt Jen place a hand on her back to comfort her.

Josette glanced up at Daisy, watching her begin to cry as she listened to Tommy's mother. She tried to read her expression, was it all show? It couldn't have been... She looked genuinely upset.

"He struggled in school. He always did. He just wanted to talk to people and make them laugh. He wanted to play outside or just do literally anything besides school work." His mother let out a little laugh as she cried. "He was a great athlete. He didn't even make the freshman football team, but the summer before sophomore year he trained so hard that he made Varsity football that year. And was quarterback by senior year."

Daisy's lips trembled, and she tried to take deep breaths to calm herself down, but she couldn't.

"Tommy had lots of friends. He loved his friends. He always said that they were the best parts of his day." She said, her voice trembling. "I know his death impacted you all differently, but he would want you to carry on and have a good senior year—"

Daisy couldn't hold it in anymore. She stood up, her body trembling with so much pain she could barely walk. She scoot past Jen and walked down the bleachers, covering her mouth to stifle the sobs she was letting out. Tommy's mother stopped mid sentence and watched Daisy leave, her eyes growing soft. The rest of the audience whispered amongst each other as Daisy left, looking at her and feeling bad.

But they shouldn't feel bad. She shouldn't get sympathy. She was the cause of all this. This was her. No one else.

She shoved the gym doors open and walked out to the hallway, as they shut behind her, she fell to the ground and let out a cry. Squeezing her eyes shut and holding her head. Choking on her own breath as she sobbed.

Regret washed over her like the long slow waves on a shallow beach. Each wave was icy cold and sent shivers down her spine. How she longed to go back and take a different path, but now that was impossible. There was no way back. The remorse would eat at her everyday of her life.

There was no way to make it right, but there was a way to stop it from ever happening again.