entry no. 21:
grief

there. just look how powerful grief is. i was just thinking about the opening words of this entry then when memories started flooding, i was suddenly covered by the unexplainable void inside my heart—a part which was so full of something yet so empty at the same time. it was as if im feeling so much of something to the point that my sanity got silenced. ironically, i know that this is not sadness. i know how it feels and this feeling is definitely beyond sadness. as months goes by, i get to encounter a famous quote saying "grief is just love with no place to go". and that explains everything i am feeling. i have so much love left to give but the receiver of this is already gone... gone eternally.

i would never ever let myself move on. i would never ever smile as i used to when everything is still fine. i would never let go of this grief as this is the only way for me to remember her. and fuck everyone for making it seemed like her death was just another fucking circumstance that normally happens. tangina niyo. hindi sakit yung pumatay sa kaniya eh. alam ko. alam na alam ko kasi i was there when she was suffering. she was so fucking tired of handling every little shit you let her handle. fuck you all. she was fucking suffering in every aspect of her life and i was always there... but who am i to talk to, really. i was there but did i do any of help? i tried. nakakausad pero palaging bumabalik sa umpisa. bakit? dahil sa mga immature na kasama. and everytime i saw how free they are now that she was gone, i wanted to hurt them physically. gusto ko silang suntukin, manumbat, at manisi. they were the very root cause of her death. if they weren't just incompetent, lazy, and immature, these won't happen. i wouldn't even have to move out of that place; she wouldn't have died. i would have been there with her. she might have the chance to hold on to kasi i would have been there for her.

or maybe it was all my fault. because the moment i left, the remaining glint of hope that she had started disappearing too. kasi i was just the only one that she can talk to about that matter—and i left. bakit ba ako umalis? kasi hindi ko na rin kaya. kasi punong-puno na ako and the only hope i can have a better life is by leaving home. i left because i can't be of full help if i myself is not well. kaso ano pa bang babalikan ko ngayong wala na siya? why do i still have to get better when my very first patient chose to give up? fucking ironic how an aspiring psychologist like me was unable to save a person. in the end, i was just a temporary reason not to give in. i was just another stone for her to step on as we both think na it was a way towards betterness, but then when she needed another stone to step on, i was not there so when she tripped, she did not fight for her life and just accepted her fate. well fuck faith. faith is not such a thing. the real reason why we are here and why are going to a certain path is because of the people around us—those fucked up bastards.

hay. before i end this entry let me just give her an open message.

kumusta ka na po jan? sorry po, tinry kong isipin kung kailan po yung date ng death mo kaso di ko po talaga maalala. ang alam ko lang po bago yun mag-eleksyon. pero sa totoo lang po ayoko talagang alalahanin kung kailan. gusto ko siyang kalimutan, gusto kong isipin na hindi yun nangyari kasi sobrang hirap po eh. ayokong paniwalaan yung fact na hindi na po tayo ulit magkikita. na yung mga pasko or bagong taon na icecelebrate ko simula ngayon ay hindi na kagaya ng dati kasi wala ka na po. sa totoo po niyan wala na po akong naiintindihan sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon. hindi ko na po alam kung ano na po ba yung mga dapat kong gawin. sobrang lungkot ko po sa tuwing naiisip kong wala nang katabi si tatay sa pagtulog niya po. palagi ko nga pong winiwish na sana panaginip nalang po ito para kahit gaano man kasama yung mga nangyayari, okay lang kasi magigising at magigising naman ako eh. kaso hindi po eh. hindi po ako nagigising.

sorry rin po ah. hindi man lang po ako nakapagthank you sayo nung umalis ako. kahit po yakap hindi ko man lang nagawa. sindaya ko po yun. alam ko po kasing hindi ko kakayaning umalis kapag nakita ko kayong umiiyak o nahihirapan. naiintindihan mo naman po siguro kung bakit po ako umalis diba? alam niyo naman po yung pinanggagalingan ko diba? sobrang hirap na po kasi talaga. ilang taon na rin po tayong ganon kaya nung umalis po ako, ang nasa isip ko lang po ay kailangan kong makapagtapos para makapagtrabaho na agad. kaso para saan pa po diba? wala ka na po eh... bakit po kasi hindi ka lumaban? alam ko pong kaya mo yun malapasan eh. alam mo po bang nagalit ako sa kanila nung sinabi nilang hinihintay nalang po nila ikaw? na kung mabubuhay ka pa or hindi na ay iniasa na nila kay god? sobra po akong nagalit non. tapos nung isang umaga bigla nalang nagmessage sa akin na wala ka na raw. iyak po ako nang iyak non at sobra po yung galit ko.

galit din po ako sa mga nakasama ko sa manila kasi parang wala lang po sa kanila yun. wala po silang pakielam na namatayan po ako kasi the same day po, naghotel po kami noon at ineexpect po talaga nilang magiging masaya ako. kaya sorry po na sa mga oras na nasa manila po ako, hindi po kita inaalala. sinadya ko po yun kasi kontrolado po nila yung dapat kong maramdaman. kaya po umalis na rin po ako doon. ngayon po marami na akong oras para po maalala kita—para po mabuhay ka po ulit.

alam mo po ba may isa po pala akong story na sinulat at kayo po ni tatay yung pinagbasehan ko doon? magsusulat pa po ako ng maraming story na ganon po ang theme para kahit po ako na yung mawala, buhay pa rin po kayo! :>

kung totoo man po yung langit, alam ko pong nanjan na po ikaw ngayon. sana po wag mo rin po kaming kalimutan. wag mo po akong kalimutan, ah? tapos po dalaw-dalawin mo rin po ako sa panaginip, sobrang miss na po kasi kita eh. i love you po!

- apo

shet maga na mata ko may klase pa ako mamaya.

yours,
mikha