entry no. 14:
i fooled myself hahahaha

so hellooo!! gagi for the past few weeks, i was actually having second thoughts of leaving. i was feeling so guilty venting here all of my worries and anxieties then i would think na "what if i stay here?" gagi i fooled myself hahaha. just this weekend, i really experienced a vibrant life. like sobrang nakapagliwaliw ako. girl's nightout, midnight walk (and run) kasi we studied in 7/11 at 12 midnight, magpicnic sa seaside ng moa, and even create a bond w great people.

kaso as i was doing those, i still have that little voice inside me saying how she wanted to rest. wait, what if that was dark calling for help? for those na hindi kilala si dark, try reading my other nonfic work named "meet dark" and there, you'll meet her. haha promote yarn. charot wag niyo yun basahin, for me ang dark nya.

anws, ayun nga, i fooled myself into thinking na i might belong here. sobrang hirap makaramdam ng kahit na anong emotion kasi palaging may mga taong nagpaparamdam sa akin na i should feel otherwise. example i was having fun here w the manila ppl and then a relative in my previous household will message me about how they are struggling in there. they are constantly reminding me na umuwi na doon kasi... kasi para saan nga ba? para hindi lang sila yung nahihirapan? para kasali ako? para may sumalo na naman ng lahat ng kashitan nila sa buhay? ayos ha.

nakatatak naman na sa isip ko yung goal ko and i know that it would happen in any other way. siguro im just being sentimental kasi kahit naman papaano, i made genuine bonds w them. it's just that i know na i won't ever be able to open up my true self to them. i'm just here because they need someone to hear their stories. i'm laughing because the situation requires me to. i'm having fun because im expected to. i'm not sabotaging these experiences, it was rlly what i am feeling. i dont belong here. kasi sa kalagitnaan ng kasiyahan, i'm always asking myself "is this really what i want or i was just overjoyed kasi this was the first time i get to experience these all?"—that was when i got awaken on my foolish thought. i should leave. i must move forward.

//incomplete entry again but i'll still post this ueueue

yours,
mikha